Is the child in therapy? How does he act in school? The dad does not sound like a great dad as you first describe. Indulgence due to guilt is not good parenting. It sounds like he has raised a little monster.
Keep reading more on the different forums...even the adult Stepkids forum to see what the future may hold.

If it is this bad now...what do you think your moving in will do to the dynamic? Perhaps you can delay the living together, at the very least make sure you do not give up all your own interests and have someplace to get away when the stress of it is too much. Do not become the nanny for the child. His parents should be his primary caregivers. You cannot care more than the bio parents is a standard quote here on stalk.

I would opt for the traveling the world and drinking fine wine over the chicken nuggets and fries.

Just slow down at least...a year is not a long time...attending to those red flags now is better than getting deeper into it when everything is not how you want it to be. Do you plan to have kids with this man?

Kids are the primary responsibility in a marriage/family but the marriage / couple relationship is the primary focus. Children should not become the little dictators in the family. Parenting classes and counseling may turn this around but it will take time.
Best wishes. Follow your dreams...do not settle for someone else's nightmares.

"Isn't this bliss, instant family". Those words concern me. No such thing as instant family.

I would recommend you proceed with caution. The feelings you have (particularly resentment) can be a challenge to overcome because the situation itself will not fundamentally change. His son will always be HIS son, and the boy's mother will always be his mother.

You may spend the next 10-15 years guiding and raising this boy to have him look you in the face one day and ultimately say the equivalent of one of two things:

1. I love you like you were my actual mom and am so grateful for what you've done for me. You are a blessing in my life!
2. You are not my mother and never will be - I hate your guts and wish my father would dump you forever.

No one has a crystal ball and can predict the future in any given circumstance. But you must know the odds you face and understand that you can invest a great deal of time, finance and emotion and there is no guarantee what the result will be.

My suggestion is to NOT GET MARRIED and keep your finances separate!! If you want to try living together to see how it will work, do so but make sure your SO has a clear understanding that this is a "trial" for all of you. Always make sure you have a viable exit plan and can leave if you choose to, without any negative impacts on your job, finances or lifestyle.

Do not make any sacrifices for this man and his child unless you are absolutely, fully aware that the relationship might not work out in the long run.

I also encourage you to listen carefully, and ask for, the opinions and insights of your respected family members and friends. They know you and will see this situation in a more clear light, and might be able to give YOU advice which can be quite valuable.

Good luck.

Kid really need help, there is something really wrong there. You have to take him someplace to find the real reason, he's like that
You have to know the truth before you decided what to do with your life. You may decide that this is the way it's always is going to be.
You will be taking this child until you died, until he's 50. Some people do this. You may decide you don't want to do this and find someone else.
Remember mental illness is the gift that keeps on giving. If his mother is sick most likely she passed if onto him. Check the Internet if you don't believe me,

Your story is the beginning of my story, the only difference I was a mom coming in, now 8 years later it is horrible. I have said many times that I wish I had discovered this site then. So, that is a big advantage as so many give great advice and only people that are or have been step-parents can understand. My biggest mistake in the beginning was thinking that I could love this child as I did my own, and then when I couldn't, I felt horrible about myself. I even went to a therapist wondering what in the world was wrong with me, she didn't really help as she just said it was normal to have horrible feeling toward your own children if they acted and did the things my SD was doing. That just made me feel worse, because I was having a tough time with my own son at the time and never did I have those feeling towards him. He was acting out because he would get repercussions on his behavior and SD would not. He got a little older and got over it, both my older children love their Step-Dad to death. My daughter calls him dad.

Now 8 years later, my SD14 is a really mean and hateful kid. My husband knows that I blame him for her behavior, he lacks in his parenting skills. Many years he would only get on to her if it directly affected him. He parented her out of guilt and felt sorry for her. For example, several years ago she started spitting in my sons face, I would tell him that he needs to get on to her and make it stop. My son is 3 years older than SD, he would say okay and never address it. It kept happening, I would send her to her room and make her wait for her dad (which was only about 30 minutes). Never would he get on to her. So, I told him that the next time she did it, my son was going to slap her. I really don't believe he thought I would allow that, but enough was enough. Next day he was sitting on the couch watching tv, SD walked in the room and spit on him, he got up and slap her. She stood there stunned, never a tear. An hour later when her dad came home she poored on the tears and made a huge deal over it. He took her to get ice cream because he felt sorry for her. I set my husband down and told him that not only did you not correct her, you then rewarded her for her bad behavior. He then had the nerve to tell me that I didn't correct my son either for hitting her? I told him to, hello.. That was the beginning, then it started with other people, friends, family, and his own mother was telling him how bad she was. He started to come around a little.

Sadly though it is a little to late, he nails her every time now and is really trying. He sees now what I have been telling him all along, and anyone that has raised a child from little on, will tell you. Whatever behavior problems a child has now at 8, if left alone and not corrected, multiply that by 3 as a teenager. That is what you are going to get. My older kids (daughter 23 and son 18) do not like their Step sister at all. And it is really sad, because this child cannot seem to see past herself and getting her own way, to see that she is missing out. Her own dad has gotten to where he doesn't like taking her anywhere, because she is hateful and looks like a child that comes from the streets (homeless that is). He sent her back to change 5 times the other day, until he told her to just stay here.

I am sorry for this being long, but My biggest advice to you would be to make sure that SO and you were on the same page when it comes to your SS. Leave no stone unturned and address everything. I would also suggest that you read about disengagement and leave the majority of the raising to his parents or parent. It saves your sanity and helps keep resentment down on both you and SS, especially when they are older. If I was to tell my SD14 no, it opens up the "I hate you, you are not my mom" response. My response is always "go ask your dad".

My H and I moved in together after about 6 months got married not long after and have been together about a year and a half now. I do have a BS age 4 FT and a SS age 6 that is with us half the time. I can completely relate to some of the feelings you are having towards SS. I am thankful that my SS doesn't have that extensive of behavioral issues, but he too can act out because he is spoiled by both parents. And I hate that everyone likes to point the finger at hubby or say you need to get out, you accept these responsibilities when you love your partner.

The jealousy, I too look at myself and think "Really, how old are you!?" I'm still learning and growing along the way, there is a transitional period that we have to be aware of. When I feel like my H is being too overboard, or that my SS is acting out, I have to put myself in their shoes and do my best to understand. My H has his son half the time, he wants his time with us to be special, he doesn't want to spend the whole time yelling at him. We also have to consider that behaviors can come from different disciplinary action in different homes.

The best advice I can give you is to tell your partner how you feel and some of you concerns. You need to decide what you expect of yourself as a step mother and also what your partner expects of you and see if you can meet in the middle. Allow yourself, your partner, and your LD time to adjust. Express to your partner some changes that really need to be dealt with and ways to discipline/ positive reinforcement moving forward. Communication is huge and you need to make sure that if you intend on sticking around that your partner is willing to put your relationship/marriage above the children. If he can't do that this child will be above you and that's not a healthy situation to be in.

I also have to remind my H all the time to stop feeling guilty. Split families are more common that nuclear families in today's society. You don't have to spoil the child to make up for your guilt, you in turn affect the person the child turns into. You can express to a child that you love and care about them but they will be disciplined because you want them to turn into a good person. Kids understand more that we think, we can explain to them that certain behaviors just aren't acceptable and if they can't learn to change that life is going to be very hard and not fun for them.

PS: I think communication gets better over time, but children go through seasons. Try to enjoy the little ones now because High School doesn't sound fun haha

You are not alone!!

I'v been a stepmom for a year now..and I do all the mom stuff for my SS10, we have him full time and mom has chosen to live the fabulous fashion lifestyle instead of being there for her son, I work my butt off to create a happy and healthy home for him.

It has really taken a toll on me emotionally.. but I got a lot stronger, and so will you.
There's not a lot of benefits of being a step mom o be honest, it is quite taxing.. I don't mean to sound negative, but it really is hard. So my advice is to let go of things you can't control and disengage when you need to..remember you are not th bio parent but see yourself as an enhancement in their lives...so it is okay to step back and let dad do the parenting.

Animal Lover your I am in a very similar situation though I do not have issues with my SO's son like you do. My SO was never married to SS8's mom and she has never really been in the picture and no contact for 4 going on 5 years I think. When I am with my SO I am with his son all the time too we do get time to ourselves because his family will watch his son occasionally and he will come to my place and stay the night.

I get the jealousy thing but I am going to be brutal here you got into a relationship with a single parent with a kid that is not yours. His son is the most important person to him. In the beginning that was the same with my SO his son came first always. Now after a year and several months he cares for me just as much as his son. That is the best you can hope for and that is really great when that happens.

As for the neat, clean, controlled life you were use to is now gone yes you chose to be with a man who had a kid so unfortunately you need to accept these things too. Trust me I do understand how you feel because I get those feelings to sometimes especially when I am at my SO's house (He live with his parents but we got our own place so that is changing soon). His son will run around in the house play fetch with a huge dog in the house and be so loud it is like ok I want to tape you to a chair and your mouth shut. I looked at my SO and said this is not happening in our house it will be too small and I do not want stuff to get destroyed. He agreed and started taking the dog outside to run him everyday. When you feel something is off or bad be honest to not hide it because that will blow up.

As for the kids behavioral issues year you need to take him to talk to someone and figure it all out.