You are here

Should Stepmoms be Treated Like Adult Humans?

TwoOfUs's picture

So, been reading a bit on this post and the OP's former post about an entirely kid-centric vacation where her needs were mostly ignored:

https://www.steptalk.org/node/236628#comment-1983783

One commenter mentioned something about how Stepmoms often go to family events, just expecting to be considered and treated like any other normal adult human would be treated...only to be surprised by the fact that they are not.

It reminded me of a time that DH and I went to pick up OSD, who had been staying with his aunt in Nashville, after a quick getaway of our own. This was the evil, sullen, dark-cloud OSD who was just awful to everyone in her life for years and years...but DH's entire family acted like "Oh, that's just OSD!" or like she was some deep genius old soul or like "Oh, poor OSD is having a hard time." Etc. You all know the drill, I'm sure.

Anyway, we planned to stay two nights with this aunt as well and then all go home. His aunt who I adore and get along with great...when we first got there...she pulled us into the kitchen and whispered, conspiratorially: "So, I think I'm going to let OSD keep the room she's been in this week, if it's OK with you. You know, I think it will make her feel 'special' and grown-up. I have two couches in the upstairs bonus room that you guys could have. What do you think?"

I turned to my DH expecting him to say something like: "Oh, no. That's really kind to OSD, but I'm sleeping in a Queen bed with my ADULT wife and my 14-year-old single CHILD can have a couch bed." Or something along those lines...something reasonable. Instead, he smiles, whispers back conspiratorially: "Yeah. That's great!"

Add to this the fact that we had actually timed our pick-up with a pretty important business meeting in Nashville the next day, and I was flabbergasted. I think I sobbed half the night, because I realized deep in my soul at that point that I'd gotten into something that wasn't good for me. DH didn't get it and thought I was overreacting, of course. Ironically, I have a 13-years younger sister who DH used to think my family catered to way too much...even though she lost her dad through death at 15 and isn't much older than OSD. But OSD is a poor snowflake who "lost her dad" and "deserves" extra of everything. I tried to explain it to him that way...like, how would you feel if we went to one of my family member's houses and they informed us that we, a married couple, had to split up on two uncomfortable couches in the bonus room so that my single little sister could stretch out on a Queen bed in a room with a locking door...so that she'll feel 'special' enough?

Anyway. Was wondering about your experiences...especially if you're a childless stepmom. What is the most outrageous, undignified thing you've just been expected to do or accept "for the kids"

Comments

Monchichi's picture

My husband and I were invited for a get away with his parents. I didn't want to go as my in laws, especially my mother in law, puts the children first. After much wrangling I eventually caved thinking the 4 cousins/ 3 cousins and 1 step cousin would share a room, like one big sleep over. Us adults would then have time together.

Oh my word was I delusional. My husband and I were separated and each of our respective children were booked to sleep by us. I love my kid, I then only had Polly and was pregnant with Baby D, I didn't expect to be made to sleep by her. When I spoke to my husband about it, his response was "Well we didn't pay for this holiday and my mother gets to decide".

My stepson walked the floor with me, hit Polly and was a complete little sh$#. My MIL made excuses for him and actually sided with my SS about not having to listen to me or my husband. I was stunned and that was the beginning of the end of our pretend blended situation. I have never gone on another family holiday and rather encourage my husband to go with his son as long as it does not interfere with our earning capacity.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yuck.

Ninji's picture

Reminds me of my MIL. We purchased our first home and we've been pretty excited. MIL tells me "Now you have to tell the skids that these are their rooms forever. They will always have these rooms even when they grow up" LOL nope. We plan on moving out of state when they grow up. And if we change our minds, the rooms in MY house aren't for them "forever".

Funny part is that my MIL is my DH's stepmom. DH and his brother do not have rooms in their fathers house but their sister (MIL's bio daugher) does and she's 29yrs old. LOL

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh, yes.

We used to regularly get lectures from DH's parents about what we should do or how we should behave "for the kids" -- really drove me nuts. Thankfully, that has calmed down and they have started supporting us as a couple rather than treating me like an indentured servant to their grandkids.

Monchichi's picture

Oh hell no thank you. I have a launch plan for my daughters and post their launch, leaving university there will be no more rooms/ place for them they. They will go forth and make their own money. My husband and I will be retiring to a coastal town with a spare bedroom for grand kids if and when we feel like it. My husband still does a double take at just how set I am on that plan.

Should the girls choose not to get a tertiary education, they shall be launching post haste 6 months after matric ends and they've had a chance to find a job and save for a flat deposit.

TwoOfUs's picture

I was floored, essentially...but didn't quite know how to handle it having never been faced with that kind of situation before. This was about 5 or 6 years ago. Now, I would certainly ask DH for the keys, book a hotel, and tell him to enjoy his couch. At the time, though, we were fairly newly married and I was trying to "fit in" with his family a little too much...all while he did not one thing to try to fit in with mine.

Ninji's picture

In my first marriage my MIL was horrible to me. Now, I would never put up with that kind of treatment. When you are young, trying to make a good impression and have never been treated so badly, it makes standing up for yourself so much more overwhelming.

SacrificialLamb's picture

The things SMs have done to fit in and hope that people will like us. People who we later find out are not worth it in the slightest. I cringe when I think back on those years.

My DH didn't have to try to do anything to fit in with mine. They are just nice, accepting people.

sunshinex's picture

My whole family took DH and SD in like their own immediately. Even my grandparents/aunts/uncles/EVERYONE treats them as family - especially SD - simply because I chose to be with these people so my family thinks they must be alright. DH's family has been leery of me since day 1 - always demanding I do more for SD otherwise I "must not care about her" and pretty much expecting me to baby the two of them. Even DH thinks its ridiculous how much they expect of me.

TwoOfUs's picture

Yeah. I don't think my DH got it, either. In his mind, everything done for OSD made sense because she was just so, so deprived.

In reality, she was and is far more spoiled than anyone I've ever known.

TwoOfUs's picture

It also makes me wonder if DH and his "first wife" would ever have been asked to do something like this on the altar of making OSD feel 'special'

ESMOD's picture

I have been in a situation where we were offered less than stellar accommodations by our hosts and we decided to go ahead and hotel it..lol.

I guess I have been fairly lucky with my DH's family.

His mom and dad are pretty much "kid first" people, but were always gracious hosts to us. It was mildly irritating to me that they allowed their grandkids to act like little greedy heathens. I remember the first Christmas when the 5 and 9 year old SD's ripped through their presents and then looked around the piles and said "is this all there is"??? I was shocked when at thanksgiving his brother's kids would surround the pot of clams and shove all of them down with elbows flying. The grandparents just beamed and loved that the kids were enjoying everything. I saw it as poor manners.

I insisted that the present thing get a reboot with his girls and now, the family actually takes turns opening presents instead of allowing the mass grabfest.

It was all rather loud and chaotic to me. I am now more used to it.. and all the grandkids are adults, so they are marginally better, but granny still lets them eat first.

I know what we are in for, so I am prepared and just ignore.

CANYOUHELP's picture

If you surveyed SD's, approximately 80% would rather SM's NOT be treated as a human beings. We are a lesser species, altogether..LOL.

SacrificialLamb's picture

I spent some time yesterday with some women who I just met. Almost all were SM's. One of the women started talking about stepdaughters. Oh boy the topic exploded. Since we are older and retired around here, we have skids looking at every cent spent. God forbid we want to enjoy our retirement and travel or buy a small boat. That's the skids money! One of the women has stepsisters telling their SM how she should spend the father's money now that he has passed away. They were mad she invested in a home in the south to escape the cold that is bad for her arthritis in the winter. They also were mad she wanted to give the money to the grandkids rather than the children directly. I recently talked to another woman here whose skids were upset she and her DH, in their 70's, are building a new house, and bought a new boat. Her DH sold his company for a lot of money, and the SM used to be the highest woman in her field in the nation, a groundbreaker for women.

We are so less of a species we are not even allowed to be comfortable while we get older, even if we were high wage earners. Maybe there is a Home for Unwanted Older Stepmothers we could just all go to.

sunshinex's picture

Back when my husband and I were dating and started living together, MIL would make comments about how much I shop and say things like "DH should really handle the money, it's probably best for the family" meaning DH and SD obviously because we weren't a family at that point... we were only together for slightly over a year at that point AND we had only lived together for a couple of months. We weren't ANYWHERE near sharing our money (and I made about 6 times what he made at his then minimum wage job). I don't think ANYONE shares money after a year of dating - but it seems to be expected if someone's spouse has lots of it and there's a stepchild to benefit from it!

I actually laughed out loud when she suggested that and reminded her that I'm young with no kids and making great money so I'll go ahead and enjoy it but thanks for the suggestion. I couldn't believe she had the audacity to think ANY of my income should be spent on SD let alone controlled by DH so he could lavish her with it. Even DH thought she was way out of line and apologized that she would even say anything of that sort.

Ninji's picture

It's not just skids that act that way. I read a post the other day with a kid (I'm assuming early 20's) was complaining because grandma "spent his inheritance" to ship her belongings when she moved out of state. How dare she want to have her stuff with her because in his words "it was all just junk anyway".

TwoOfUs's picture

Oh boy. So this is what I have to look forward to? After a lifetime of earning double and triple what my DH makes...skids breathing down my neck about what I spend in retirement?!

Got news for the darlings. I HAVE retirement. Paid for by me out of my personal account. Their Dadddeeee has nothing and plans to live on his inheritance from his parents, which is a pretty safe bet. They aren't getting mine after their dad passes, that's for sure. I've sacrificed enough for them already.

DaizyDuke's picture

I got nothing really other than annoyance at the constant "excuses" made for bratty skids.
"Oh, it's because of her mother's family, they have made her like this" "Oh she doesn't know any better" "Oh, Daizy, she just needs you to be her friend"

And I use to get SUPER, DUPER annoyed that shitty acting skids got more attention than our well behaved, sweet BS7. Kind of like in school where the bad kids get all the attention and extra help, and the good kids are just invisible.

Disillusioned's picture

My wedding day.

That was the eye-opener.

The whole wedding dinner was talk from DH about/to SD's, assuring them how special, important, wonderful they were.....I didn't even catch on to it really until my best friend who was my matron of honour looked at me with this confused look - then mouthed "WTF?!" as at that exact moment OSD had burst into uncontrollable sobbing, make a huge scene for everyone to feel oh so sorry for her, at our wedding night dinner of course!

And all DH could do was feel bad, and continue to go on about how wonderful SD's were and how proud he was of them

It wasn't until people starting making a huge point to "toast the bride" that DH paused - still don't think he ever got it!

SacrificialLamb's picture

......

Dogmom1321's picture

When I paid for the down payment on the house (joint deed though) DH thought SD was entitled to EVERY room in the house. She was 7 at the time and DH had NO problem with her going into our office and "playing" on the computer. AKA, unlimited access to inappropriate things on the internet. Not to mention, leaving trash everywhere. 

We also have a very nice master bath with a jacuzzi tub. DH said "I'm sure SD will want to use it." Mind you, our new house now had THREE bathrooms, but DH assumed SD could just use ours because "wants" to? 

DH said he didn't want SD to feel unwelcomed in our home... because you know the drill "she's been through so much." Even with non-divorced families, kids don't just run rampant throughout the house and do whatever they please. 

SD and DH have gotten better about having HER space and respecting the household rules. But I won't be surprised in the LEAST when SD grows up witih the victim mentality and everyone owes her something. Her BM is the exact same way. And DH has enabled it. The apple doesn't fall far.