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Do they raise children just like themselves?

Stepdrama11's picture

So my SD now has a son age 7 and a daughter age 1 (2 different fathers, both times she "wanted a baby", got pregnant on a hookup, and both men stepped up and entered into a relationship upon hearing about the pregnancy; she is still with baby daddy #2). My SS has 2 boys age 3 and 8 (the second one is with a woman he was having an affair with while married to baby momma #1). After blowing apart his marriage, this woman somehow convinced both SS and SD that they should get DH to leave me, and it has been trouble ever since.

Here is my question for those Steptalkers who have been in this for a long time...does what goes around come around? My counselor (who is older and has seen a lot) said they will raise children like themselves, who will treat them and their relationships as they have treated DH and me, and our relationship.

Any anecdotes, experiences, etc?

sunshinex's picture

I'm not sure about other people but i'm raising my stepdaughter and future bio who's due in 7 months quite a bit different. My mom was often my friend/the cool mom whereas I'm not planning on being that way whatsoever. In fact I'm being fairly strict and I'm fairly demanding of respect towards authority figures. My kids will never look at me as their "friend" but as their mother who they can trust to talk to, but I will not condone a lot of the crap my mother let us get away with.

Stepdrama11's picture

Thank you for your response.

There were many issues in my family as well - very similar to what you describe. One goal with both of my kids was to stop the chain. They are both adults and i am cautiously optimistic that they can recognize these issues, and communicate effectively when disagreements occur.

Hopefully the SGKs , or at least one or more of them, will be able to stand back, as you described, and break the chain in their family.

And while I am not holding my breath, i do believe that my SKs have some good qualities and maybe one day one or both will wake up and think about how they would feel if their kids grow up and treat them the way they have treated me and my relationship with DH, and their mother before me.

sammigirl's picture

I tried and tried to never treat my grown SD or SS's like I was treated by my two SM's. I also tried to raise my bio sons with positive attitudes, never negative thinking.

I also believe that we have to remember, every person has a different personality and they should be allowed to develop their own personality. My SGS30 was raised with GREAT control from his parents and it was sad. When he was in his 20's, he had to ask if he was allowed to consume a soda, when his parents were present. It was a shock to me!

Mostly, my grown skids are like their parents (DH & BM). Their judgement, habits, etc. are what they lived and I must say, in my mind, it is dysfunctional. But again, that is my opinion; it doesn't make it wrong. I judge their actions (DH, BM, SD, and SS's) by the toxic behavior they display to other people. They also have good qualities, which I observe.

I am bewildered on one thing; My SD56 says she hates her mother (BM). But she also says she hates me. BM and DH were married 23 years; DH and I have been married 37 years. I will be honest, I believe my SD56 and DH were the cause of DH's divorce from BM, because DH let SD56 be his miniwife; SD56 has also told me to move out and leave DH to her. So you are not alone in this area. I heard for years how DH's divorce was BM's fault, I don't believe it now.

Yes, I believe in KARMA. SD56 has experienced it numerous times and I sit back and say nothing and smile to myself every time. When people are toxic, they live a toxic life.

Also yes; my SGD31 treats people exactly like SD56 treats people, very disrespectful. So I do believe it is more of a team effort in my case. They are best friends, which mother and daughter should become. But on the other hand they gang up and bully a great many people, including me.

So it will be pay back time soon, because SGD31 also has a stepdaughter who is 14. "Go around, come around" soon to come for SGD.

Stepdrama11's picture

Thank you for your reply Sammi. I also know that my SKs were a huge reason for many things that happened before i arrived in the picture. I know you have been very strong and I appreciate hearing how things have gone for you, as I think our situations are similar in many ways.

sammigirl's picture

My SD56 is and was a huge reason for the trouble between BM and DH and the trouble between DH and me. With that said, she learned it from DH and BM and they let her run the show and DH still lets SD56 be the mini wife.

Two issues: SD56 has passed this on the SGD31; thus they both should know better, and DH still enables both SD and SG.

Therefore, I am totally disengaged and have no part of it. My disengagement has improved the situation a great deal; just wished I had never engaged with SD to begin with, 37 years ago. I did not engage with SS's and they have great respect for me. I did not say they like me, but they show me the greatest respect, that is all I ask for. SD and SGD will never show me respect, it is their life goal to disrespect me or any other person they wish; I am not the only family member they mistreat, therefore, I quit taking it personally and am moving forward. They are generations of a mold set years ago.

What you cannot change, you can live without.

Thumper's picture

YUP kids become a silhouette of whom they spent the most time with. In some situations this is most unfortunate. Follow the generations because it is just not one generation that is effected.

Remember the apple does not fall far from the tree.

This holds to be true more often than not.

Stepdrama11's picture

Yes...ine thing my counselor kept asking me was where the SKs learned their behaviors, including stepPAS, relational aggression, shunning, thinking they could be in the middle of our marriage, etc. As time went on, it became clear that they either learned them from DH or simply had them enabled by DH. After 10 years of relative peace it was like discovering DH had an entire other persona.

SM12's picture

I do think it happens that way. My SS's were groomed to treat me with little to no respect. Their BM made it clear from day one that they were not to listen to me ever and I was no unimportant that they could come and go without even telling me. Many times I would be in the same house as them (DH would be at work) and they would leave without even letting me know. They were allowed to be rude and disrespectful to me and my DH. DH was "afraid" to correct them for fear he would lose them. This happened for the first 3 plus years of our marriage. Then finally DH got sick of being disrespected and treated like crap from the SS's. They would only contact him when they wanted something and were rude if they didn't get their way. They would ignore all his attempts to contact them even though he provided their cell phones. But if they text him, they demanded and immediate response. If they didn't get it, they would send the most vile text messages imaginable and many times trashing me in the process.

Finally after DH had enough, he just stopped attempting to contact them. I totally withdrew from their lives long before DH did. I would tell DH if he would remove himself from the equation, they would turn on BM. They have be taught that rude behavior gets then what they want. If he refuses to engage, they will turn it all on BM.
And it happened. OSS treats BM like crap because he is an "adult 19 yrs old" and doesn't have to listen to her. Even though he still lives at her house when home from college. MSS is unbearable. He is mouthy, rude, manipulative and plain nasty. BM has zero control over him at all.
She is getting exactly what she deserves. She groomed him to act like this. Since DH is no longer participating in the madness, they only have BM to torture.

Stepdrama11's picture

Thanks for your response. You were lucky your DH finally stepped up and had your back. Kudos to him!

sammigirl's picture

Diminished: I believe these people can maintain self control and conduct themselves in a better manner. My SD56 and SGD31 have conducted themselves to suit the situation and to gain what they want.

That's proof to me. It may be phony, but I know they can be better to people if they wanted to be; their drama is at will.

sammigirl's picture

Well said sueu2. I've always been bewildered by the results that one gets, when you treat someone as you would like to be treated. The day goes well.

When a person's bad behavior is enabled it develops into whatever they are wanting, thus the results are: that person is not acting, saying, or living the way you would wish for them to do so, resulting in conflict. That does not make it wrong nor right. It is part of many issues in their life, which they try to inflict upon you.

I was taught, by my parents, that you reap what you sow. Therefore, I do believe in KARMA. I hate conflict and walk away, rather than play the games; thus the result is turning the other cheek and letting the person think they have won.

Disengagement was a peaceful way out for me and I will NEVER go back to being mistreated by my DH, SD, or SGD, who now has a SD14 and a BD10, whom SGD is preaching that there are evil family members (I'm not the only evil person in the family, in their book). It is in the fourth generation of treating people badly, when it isn't going their way.

They do not like me, therefore, they do not have to be in my presence without being respectful. DH has accepted the boundary and my SD and SGD are punishing my DH for respecting me.

It's a vicious circle.