Hateful SD 18
I wrote last week about how I was being excluded from a family event because SD18 will be there and she hasn't spoken to SO in a year since I moved in. I was upset about not being invited but with your help I have decided to disengage from the SD26 as well as SD18 although we never see SD18 so nothing for me to dovthere except stop hurting about her.
Because he was going to be seeing her for the first time in nearly a year, SO suggested they speak on the phone before the event. I understand she was reluctant but last night agreed to speak on the telephone. I Know he felt hopeful that seeing her and being able to speak to her would lead to a reconciliation between them. I know he loves her and has been unhappy since she stopped speaking to him so this was his one chance and he wanted to speak on the phone beforehand to break the ice. Last night she phoned.
He was on the phone for well over an hour. He took the call in another room and I only got to hear snippets but it didn't sound as though it was going well. Afterwards he didn't want to speak about it much but gave me the gist of the conversation.
She said he just announced that I was going to be moving in and hadn't discussed it with her and had totally disregarded her feelings on the matter. She didn't live with him. She came to stay every other weekend and only then if she felt like it. She blew hot and cold with me. We always got along in each other's company but she told everyone else she didn't want me around and always got her way. If she said I couldn't go then I couldn't go. If I protested I was accused of stopping him from seeing his daughter. It put a huge strain on our relationship but he wanted me to move in and things had appeared to be improving between me and YSD. So I moved in and she cut him off and even took an overdose to demonstrate her hurt.
So last night the discussion was along the lines of what a horrible Dad he was and how much she hates him and never wants to speak to him again. She doesn't want Birthday or Christmas gifts from him and wants him to stop paying maintenance for her. He's not to speak to her at the family event which he must go to alone as I'm not invited because she will be there (although his mother will be with him). She doesn't want him to speak to her older brother and sister about her. She just appears to want to break all ties.
I am dumbfounded. I have sausage doesn't mean it. She loves him. They were always so close. But he said she sounded pretty convincing to her. My heart is broken for him. How can anyone be so cruel and punish a loved one in such a way?
She was seeing mental health professionals following her overdose but she stopped going as she said they were talking about the same things over and over.
I work in children's mental health (not as a practitioner) and I have a view on this. Her mental health is fragile - the family acknowledge this and yet nobody is doing anything to fix her. If her leg was broken would the stand by and allow her to insist she didn't want treatment? Why do they feel dealing with her mental health is any different? I am so concerned for her future. She will never get on in life if she thinks she can do this every time something doesn't go her way. There's nothing I can do or say. I'm the bad guy and so is my SO. Everyone wants to protect her from us. They're not looking at the bigger picture. My poor SO is devastated. She's 18 and so old enough to make decisions about her mental health but if she was my daughter I would be taking action to get her the help she needs.
In the meantime, I have a broken man who loves this broken young lady and I feel she'll shocked and am wondering what the hell did I do?
No idea how the word sausage
No idea how the word sausage made the final cut! Apologies for the stray apostrophe in the last sentence too.
what a little diva.... how
:jawdrop: what a little diva.... how did she think her Dad should've asked her permission to find happiness, she's totally a special snow flake.
I'm glad your husband can see this now and I hope he let it be, clearly she's still trying to manipulate him to leave you, I can guarantee you the day he tells he he's divorcing you will be the day she's back in his life. She's telling him, it's me me me Daddy or your wife.
You did nothing wrong Hon, you found a good guy who's not telling you my kids do not approve thus cheers...
Simply be there for him and tell him SD is still very young DH, she will come around... cause she will...
in the mean time make sure life is fun for you and DH
Thanks Acratopotes. It's
Thanks Acratopotes. It's either her being a manipulative little bitch or she's very unwell and is transferring that to us. Either way, the best thing we can do is to give her her wishes and stay away but somebody else who loves her needs to deal with her mental health needs.
The precedent was set early
The precedent was set early on. If she says I can't go then I can't go. I think this time he was torn but his elderly mother can't go if he doesn't. He isn't happy about it but I did sense that he saw it as an opportunity to reconcile their relationship. Now he has been put completely in his place. I am so sorry for him. What sort of Christians are they? Certainly not my sort. They don't attend church usually. This is just an excuse for a party. Why can't people be more accommodating? Neither of us would cause any trouble or distress. That's entirely in their heads. I would suggest they watch too much t.v. drama. It's not the sort of drama I want in my life so I will be eternally grateful to this group for teaching me about disengaging. That is where I am at but I love my SO very much and feel distressed that those who should love him can treat him this way.
My brother is at the end of his life. A very sick man. No amount of love will stop him from dying . I need to concentrate on my family and our imminent loss, not the foot stamping of a petulant 18 year old.
The precedent was set early
The precedent was set early on. If she says I can't go then I can't go. I think this time he was torn but his elderly mother can't go if he doesn't. He isn't happy about it but I did sense that he saw it as an opportunity to reconcile their relationship. Now he has been put completely in his place. I am so sorry for him. What sort of Christians are they? Certainly not my sort. They don't attend church usually. This is just an excuse for a party. Why can't people be more accommodating? Neither of us would cause any trouble or distress. That's entirely in their heads. I would suggest they watch too much t.v. drama. It's not the sort of drama I want in my life so I will be eternally grateful to this group for teaching me about disengaging. That is where I am at but I love my SO very much and feel distressed that those who should love him can treat him this way.
My brother is at the end of his life. A very sick man. No amount of love will stop him from dying . I need to concentrate on my family and our imminent loss, not the foot stamping of a petulant 18 year old.
wait a minute.....why can't
wait a minute.....why can't you go?!
Because of an 18yr old?!
What is she going to do-hold a gun to your face and tell you to leave?!
Tell her to get over herself-her father is an adult and does not require her permission!!!
My SD used to pull this shit with BOTH BM and DH-until they put her in her place.
I don't see how this one CHILD can have so much power over you
If she wants to have a fit-let her act a fool.
You should be able to attend a family event/function with your husband/boyfriend.
I 100% agree with you
I 100% agree with you KittyKatMomma but this particular diva has always been indulged by mummy, daddy, older brother and older sister. Everyone strives to please her. It's all about her. If she's not happy then nobody is. Whilst my SO wants to keep me happy, I am insignificant to the skids and their mother. They had a family conference to decide that he would be invited (and apparently he nearly wasn't) but I would not. They are rude, hurtful and disrespectful. The event in question is a christening! What a joke? I'm just glad they aren't my children as I would be enormously embarrassed. My SO is upset and so is his mother. I've got over it since deciding to disengage, but I am devastated for my SO.
"Whilst my SO wants to keep
"Whilst my SO wants to keep me happy, I am insignificant to the skids and their mother."
Who says you are insignificant? If your SO treats you that way, you need to proceed cautiously in the relationship. These kids are all adults and should not be pandered to at the expense of your relationship.
I love the word "whilst". I wish I lived in a place where I could say it and not get really strange looks.
Insignificant to his children
Insignificant to his children and ex wife. Not to him. He loves me. But he loves his children too. I would never ask him to choose but they would.
Haha! I love the English language. I live in the U.K. and I teach adult literacy. My language style tend to be very formal sinxe working for years in law.
The funny thing is, I don't
The funny thing is, I don't think you're insignificant at all to the skids/BM
Just the opposite!
If you were truly insignificant to your SD, then she really wouldn't care one way or another what you attended with DH. She wouldn't feel insecure about it, angry about it, she honestly wouldn't care one way or the other. If she felt secure and sure of her relationship with DH, she would in fact probably be nice to as you would be of no threat to her at all
In her mind, you would truly be insignificant. But, the fact that she DEMANDS you not attend. That she is so angry about you. That she threatened her own life supposedly because of you - oh trust me, you're very significant to her.
And that my dear, is the problem in a nutshell.
Been there, get it.
The girl is jealous of you. Insecure about your relationship with her Dad. Resentful that you breathe.
Don't let her problem become your problem. Your DH needs to stand up and grow some already. You need to be strong and not take her nonsense.
All of her issues and 'power' stem from temper tantrums in which she is insanely jealous of you, and getting her way by making threats.
Remember this when she starts manipulating your husband with her guilt trips.
I do agree her mental health is weak and she needs helps, so tread with that in mind. But otherwise, you need to stand up to this spoiled brat
It was a good idea for SO to
It was a good idea for SO to talk to his DD18 ahead of time, but as expected, she just pulled out her victim card.
Your SO did not need her approval before you moved in. This girl has been given too much influence over his life. Now that SO has a new queen, she feels she has been pushed back in importance.
She took an overdose to demonstrate her hurt? Boy, that takes punishing to a new level. But she thinks her dad is responsible for her rather than her being responsible for herself. And she is going to make him PAY.
" I have sausage doesn't mean it." Excellent! Haha are you typing without your glasses? Thats what happens to me if I don't.
Your SO needs to demonstrated to his DD18 that her method of punishing him is not going to work. If he panders to her and chases after her, she will get what she wants and continue to do it. She will punish him until she is restored as Queen in his life. He needs to communicate to her that he loves her, but he has the right to have adult female companionship in his life (like adult men all around the world), he doesn't need her permission to do so. And also that the role of daughter and the role of wife are two different things, and having a wife doesn't mean that he loves his daughter less.
"She was seeing mental health professionals following her overdose but she stopped going as she said they were talking about the same things over and over." In other words, she wasn't getting the validation from the health professionals she wanted to hear.
I understand your concern for her but you cannot care more than her parents. You should support your SO in his feelings, but let him work out the relationship with his DD on his own. Disengaging means removing the mental and emotional processes also.
His elderly mom can go if he
His elderly mom can go if he doesn't. Of course she can. One of the entitled SDs or SS can pick her up and take her. Saying he has to go to take her is an excuse for DH to go and keep giving in to his kids.
SD26 is just as much to blame if she purposely excluded you to keep SD18 happy and using the grandchild as the lure to get DH there. DH doesn't get off free either as he is allowing this to happen.
As to SD18 saying she doesn't want birthday or Christmas gifts, DH needs to take her at her word and stop. Maintenance is a separate issue. He shouldn't stop paying on her word or he can get dragged back to court where she'd likely deny saying it. DH needs to follow legal rules about maintenance. If can legally stop, he should.
My YSD and her husband would exclude me if they could get away with it. My DH will not show up without me though.
I go as his partner, not a family member. They don't consider me family or the kids' grandmother. Since I'm only the companion I don't do gifts or cards. Gifts and cards are from DH only. I don't babysit as they only let family watch their children and they've told me I'm not family. Choices have consequences.
I doubt they would be willing
I doubt they would be willing to drive an hour and a half to pick her up and then an hour and a half to take her home again but I hear you.
Life is too short for these
Life is too short for these kind of games. Trying to OD because Daddy moves a woman in; wow, she's acting like a scorned wife instead of a daughter.
That's both ways - so six
That's both ways - so six hours of driving on the day of the christening.
My SO is as guilty as his
My SO is as guilty as his daughters. He knows it. He said ''maybe I should tell her to grow up and get over herself' but I'm staying out of that one. I'm not telling him what he can and can't do with his children but by going he has pushed me to make the decision to disengage. He isn't standing up for me so I am standing up for myself and boy does that feel liberating. OSD mentioned that she hardly knows me and would like to meet me for coffee to get to know me better. I know my SO would like it if I did that but he's going to be disappointed. She's had four years to get to know me better. She had frequently been rude to me and not inviting me to the christening was a huge slap in the face but it was also the end of gerchances. The madam.
InterestinglySO has asked me
InterestinglySO has asked me to show him how to block people on Facebook. This is after I told him I have blocked BM and OSD. YSD has already blocked me.
"Whole family...indulges
"Whole family...indulges her...keep her happy."
I'd like to ask, how's that workin' for them? Exactly how happy is she? Thriving and ready to conquer the world? Robust young lady bursting with confidence and optimism?
To a large extent they have made her what she is. All this coddling creates an empty, angry, deeply insecure person. And that's just what they've got.
If I were you I would stop worrying about this girl at all. Since you've already accepted the role of Dis-invitee, I would take dh's credit card every time he goes off on one of these joyous "family" occasions and send myself on some wonderful adventure. Even better if you can make it an overnight adventure. Heck, take the whole weekend. Just enjoy yourself. Don't think about the girl or the party at all.
When you re-unite with DH be bubbling over with your stories of your adventure. Hopefully there just won't be any time left to hear about those people. They've made it clear those people have nothing to do with you so you have nothing to do with him. Stop worrying about any of them for even a second and don't let them control your weekends. You have a blast!
I'm going walking with two of
I'm going walking with two of our favourite friends who will make me laugh like a drain. I'm much happier to do that than to go to the christening and I bet SO would rather come with me but it's his first grandchild and he's eager to have a relationship. I get that. But I'm out. I'mthrough with trying.
"If I were you I would stop
"If I were you I would stop worrying about this girl at all. Since you've already accepted the role of Dis-invitee, I would take dh's credit card every time he goes off on one of these joyous "family" occasions and send myself on some wonderful adventure. Even better if you can make it an overnight adventure. Heck, take the whole weekend. Just enjoy yourself. Don't think about the girl or the party at all.
When you re-unite with DH be bubbling over with your stories of your adventure. Hopefully there just won't be any time left to hear about those people. They've made it clear those people have nothing to do with you so you have nothing to do with him. Stop worrying about any of them for even a second and don't let them control your weekends. You have a blast!"
This is a great suggestion. Let your H FEEL the consequences of going along with excluding you. Let him come home tired and hungry to an empty house. Let him be alone with his thoughts while you're out enjoying yourself. Let him be uncomfortable for a while.
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My DH will soon visit his
My DH will soon visit his oldest daughter. It will be his first visit since my pre-disengagement meltdown. I had dreaded the first visit and I do have some concerns about the manipulative crap OSD will pull. But I don't want to hear about it when he gets home, and that is what will make the difference. And my life is different now too. DH and I used to spend too much time together, both being retired. I told him I was going to make new friends and also get back into an old hobby. Once I did, one commitment turned into four and one comes with a small paycheck.
It's good for these men to get reminded we have lives outside of them. I used to, but being forced to retire early did a number on my self esteem. It's coming back, which is good for me. I am getting my life back. I saw a correlation between my self esteem and how much I cared about the crap OSD was pulling and how oblivious daddy was to the antics of his sweet middle-aged princess.
So I am actually now happy I will get a few days of peace and solitude. Let an overgrown spoiled brat whine to daddy. Day 1 I am getting a 2 hour massage. Day 2 is pedi day. I have not filled in the other 2 yet. Maybe a day at the the beach with a book and a flask? It's going to be good!
He knew or maybe did the put
He knew or maybe did the put head in sand thing. You are his wife, you two should be one for all, all for one couple, like any couple .
You think if someone said when he was married to first wife, that she couldn't go. He would of said ok. I will go alone. Don't think so..
All we ask is to be treated the same as the first W or H. Not have different standards as between BM and SM It shows that they can't live together, but there a strong bond still there
I do feel hurt that he is
I do feel hurt that he is going to go but I would never try and prevent him. If we ever speak about my feelings about it again, I will put that to him about whether he would have gone to events where BM was excluded when they were married.
We are not married. We live together but have no plans for marriage. As much as I love him, this does make me lose some respect for him. I can't help that. I am fine with not going. It's tomorrow. I'm going walking in a very beautiful part of the world with friends who like me. Why would I want to be with his daughters and ex wife?
My main focus now is disengaging to an extent that makes me happy (so that means to the extent that these kids become aware of it) but not so far as to be rude. I will not lower myself to their level. SS28 is actually very lovely. I know this week he has written to YSD with a few points to get her thinking about her behaviour but at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water and he is always going to back family rather than me. So do I disengage from him too? It will make me sad to do that.
Today SO got a telephone call from BM saying she doesn't want any trouble tomorrow. Does she think he does? She also said YSD might not go. So having caused all the anxiety she has caused, she now doesn't want to go. I'm so glad I'm out of it.
Why is BM calling SO when the
Why is BM calling SO when the kids are adults? This is a high-drama family. You are very wise to learn early to just stay out of their family dynamics.
Yes, losing respect for these men is pretty common. But if you disenegage from him too, your relationship will be over.
If you haven't yet read the book Stepmonster, it might be worth a read.
Relationships come with good and bad. The bad, with these SOs that drive us to this site, is that they are unable to manage the complex tug of war that they are in . So they frequently do nothing. And you have to determine if the good in the relationship trumps this step issue.
All that drama just to
All that drama just to exclude you and now she's also going to snub her father and the entire family too. I hope you realize that sd18's behavior has ZERO to do with you, she's just using this christening as another platform to assert her power. What a nasty monster they've created. BM calling SO, like he's the problem then saying she doesn't want trouble is just ridiculous. She should be talking to her drama queen daughter about respectful behavior and being there to support her sister.
You are wise to disengage from the lot of them. They are screwed up and circularly feeding on the drama they are creating. You've received the message that you are not family and not welcome loud and clear. Go with it and stay far away and free from THEIR issues. You can stay *engaged* with SO, just remember that his family issues are his. He needs to own and carry them not you.
Enjoy your walk
Oh gosh no, I don't intend to
Oh gosh no, I don't intend to disengage from my SO. You're right. That would spell the end. It's far from over. We strive to do the right thing by all concerned. YSD has only just turned 18 and is still in college. He still pays maintenance for her (in spite of her apparent objections to this) and has had mental health issues hence the two of them remaining in contact. This is a good thing, until she tells him not to cause trouble. He is as far removed from a trouble maker as you could possibly imagine. Hence their ability to trample all over him. Grrrr!
I doubt we will ever marry but if we did, it would have to be in secret and then announce it later. That's what my Dad did. I forgave him.