At the end of my road and need help
So I have been with my partner for 4 years and we got a house together and moved in about two years ago I am 45 have no children and can't have any due to some medical issues years ago. My partner has two adult girls 18 and 22, I managed to build a pretty good relationship with the younger one but the older one moved in with us after graduating collage to save and go back to grad school but if you asked me she can't be on her own. She is unpleasant, unapproachable, quite and just all around a difficult person. I have tried many routes to build a relationship with her from trying to get close, have one on one conversation... we also had a "Family meeting" which during she refused to say a word fro two hours. She comes in without saying hello, grabs food from kitchen when I am not around and runs to her room, she is messy and dirty and her and my partner think I am OCD. I am not I am just very clean. My partner is very passive with her and doesn't want to confront anything. he thinks time will take care of it nut my relationship with her is getting worse by the day. He wants me to just leave it alone and not be bothered if she wants nothing to do with me but it upsets me. He also gets very defensive and equalize us like we are both are in fault. He calls it action reaction and thinks that "our personalities crash" which maybe but I don't feel like he stands up for me. We all live in a very toxic environment and I don't think it can sustain any longer. I love him very much he has been so good to me and he is the kindest, most tolerant person I can ever find. I also need to mention that I too had a step mother which was evil and made my life living hell but I just took it, I am so good to her and she hurts me and I feel threatened by her, I am afraid if we don't get this fixed he will have to choose and he will choose her. she is even changed her sister's attitude towards me. She is also claiming that she is terrified of my 10 lb dog and I am now thinking to have a hidden camera because I am afraid she might hurt my baby. Just all around she is a dark cloud over our lives.
Greetings Hopeful! I too have
Greetings Hopeful! I too have one of those Toxic SDs. She wants to live with us full time, however she is 17 right now, so we are enjoying only 50/50 for the time being. My SD17 - she also is very unfriendly, has no friends she spends time with, no boyfriend (or girlfriend), no partying, nothing - no activity - she is bump-on-the-log. My Sd17 is ALSO extremely dirty and yucky - leaving her bloody pads all over and I take out trash and they flop around everywhere. She grabs my food I buy and prepare and stomps off to her room, where dishes then collect until SO yells at her and demands she wash her dishes.
I have tried the "Family round table meeting" idea - no luck. She does say "hey" after I say "hey" but that's about it. She only talks to SO sporadically and when she wants money (she has no job).
What is the problem? It cant be with you - she might be like my SD17 and need medications!
I have no children of my own and am at the end of my 40's as well, so you and I have that in common as well.
What I have done is to disengage and get my own life together so that I have CHOICES. If it is YOUR house together you should be able to decide who lives there. Your DH is "gaslighting" you apparently, trying to make it your fault so that he does not need to take any responsibility.
Your SD is an adult. Try approaching her in adult fashion - ask her what her plans are for moving out because you noticed that she does not seem particularly happy living with you. Make it about her and her happiness, so you don't get blamed anymore.
MY SO - he tells me the same thing "you don't get along, both of you. You act like a child too, when you argue, and you just need to leave her alone." Several arguments later, I basically say nothing to her anymore.
But I am not looking forward to the conversation we are going to have to have when she "decides" that she wants to live with us fulltime. Dirty filthy people truly have no clue that they can have a better life without the mess. And I do not want to live with someone like my SD17. She is a sociopathic liar, she twists everything into something bad, and she is disrespectful.
UGh. I feel for you. Because ultimately YOU are the disposable one to him, and SHE is his flesh and blood...he will always choose her over you, it sounds like, unless the wool comes off his eyes and he sees what she is...
By far, the most difficult
By far, the most difficult and challenging SM situations are those where there are stepdaughters involved. If the SD's are older, it can be even worse. Too much territorialism to have them living in the same house with you.
If you did not agree to have this adult SD move into your home, then you were steamrolled by your partner. Which shows you he has no respect for the fact that this is half your home, too.
He may also be gaslighting you ("messing with your mind") when it comes to the household cleanliness issues and his SD ignoring you. For example, did he ever say you were "OCD" about cleaning BEFORE the piggy SD moved it? Probably not. But now his precious princess is there, why, just let her be a pig and make the problem all about YOU and YOUR standards in YOUR home.
If you are not married to this man, do not do it. Ever. Keep your assets as separate as you can, and always be sure to have an escape plan in the back of your mind. Because you may need it.
Well for someone who knows
Well for someone who knows nothing about me you sure sound more judgmental than me. I have worked so hard on understanding where she comes from by eve sharing my own experience as SD and told her that I was once you many times. I was the one who pushed for a bigger house to make sure they both alway feel like this is dads' home and they always a place, I was the one who took her to pick her own furniture, she was the one who looked at the place with me, I got her an internship with my best friend for 3 months and drove her ass there everyday twice a day...... took her several times to "talk" like adults,..... so don't rush to judgment if you don't know anything. Even at work people have issue with her mood swing and just unpleasant personality. After 3 months of being her driver she got everyone at the office a thank you card and treated them to lunch Andy not once even thanked me for making it happen. The problem is the mother as well, she is poisonous and have lied to them about my involvement in divorce when I had nothing to do with it. I am by nature caring and giving and takes a lot for me to be hateful. My feelings for her grow except to a different direction. She is unstable and I have even suggested therapy as has her father, she is stubborn and have joined her mom in punishing my partner because he got tired of her entitled, messy and no good old ass. She is just as bitter as her mom. I am 10 years younger than her mother, by far more attractive, succeful and financially secure as opppsed to her living off ear husband forever, so she is not sad because she lost him, she is mad because of the life style that she lost thus she is getting a large amount of money for the next 10 years so still living off us. So my dear I am not a complainer I am a pleaser and a kind woman who has been through a lot including a cancer survivor. I was my dad's care giver until he passed 2 months ago, because he was living with us I went out of my way to be more accommodating for everyone and I put up with her nasty unpleasant ass because I thought we both accepted each other as a package but my dad was a backache and not a baggage she is a toxic baggage.
You are correct. She feels
You are correct. She feels judged by me and she feels targeted by me. I had the best relationship with my dad and have always encouraged her to stay out the divorce drama and stay close to both specially her dad so I don't know why she feels that I am here to take him. I really am devastated because after my dad passed I know have no other family so for me to be to the point of breaking up is very very difficult.
All I can say - you are not
All I can say - you are not married Hon, simply get your own apartment and move back to it, can be close by SO's...
then he can come and visit you, his kids are old enough to be left alone.
After a month or 2, SO will get irritated with his dirty house, cause you are not there to clean it, and if he asks you when are you moving back, smile and say when your other wife leaves...
If SO ends it because you moved out then he was only looking for a bed warmer, and you should be glad that you only wasted 4 years on him and not 20....
It's not the end of the relationship if you move out, I did it and we are still together 4 years later.... I will probably move back when Aergia leaves next year. My reasons for moving out was simply... well you know we have different personalities and Aergia and I do not get along, it's best if I live away from you.. SO was not happy at all... the truth behind me moving out, his daughter is a lazy ass selfish piggy brat with no respect for any one, not even herself,
You know I still own my condo
You know I still own my condo and have rented out so I can always go back but we got this house together, he came from the divorce with nothing everything is this place is mine including the bed that she sleeps on and the sheets but if I move out this will be the end I am not taking a step backwards in my relationship and start "dating him" again I will start dating other people with no nasty baggage. He is always agreeing with my assessment, I have a master degree in psychology so I am not just talking nonsense to him, but after having tried everything he is asking me just not to rock the boat and let her be because he doesn't want to loose me and she is his child also. To be honest I don't even know what I want as an end game, do I want him to stand up for me!? Then what? To prove his love by making her hate me even more?! Even he "demand" change of her it is forced and it is not doing any good. She is truly not a troubled kid, she minds her own business does not even live her room( claimes that she is scared of my little dog) it is just very uncomfortable to be in the house with someone who can't stand you. I love my partner so much, my dad was disabled and I was his care giver until 2 months ago that he passed and I couldn't have gone through it without my partner's love, respect and support so I guess what I trying to say is I could just ignore her but I love him and I want him to be fulfilled and happy with our life together and I feel like her being miserable is always on back of his mind. I know it pains him and it pains me seeing him in a middle. I am going to discuss it with my therapist before I have one last conversation with my partner because I think if I draw a red line I have to honor it and I don't want to loose him, I don't want to make empty threats when I know I want to be together. I thought my experience as a former abused SD will help me but she doesn't want to change. If I was a bad person I would love the fact that she doesn't eat with us, I would love the fact that I don't see her but I complain because I want her to feel at home here and she says she doesn't. I think she has serious emotional issues but my partner I guess a black man doesn't believe therapy mall that much. Yes her mom is black and I am not so I guess that is also a tension
you SD is simply manipulating
you SD is simply manipulating her father and causing tension. Skin color has nothing to do with it, and belief me I would know lol......
Simply disengage from her, turn to SO and if SD did not clean he better clean, yes a sit down with him could work, you simply say, SO this is who I am, I like a clean house, SD was not raised in this way and it causes tension. Thus I suggest you help out more and clean a bit.
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
read this and talk to SO about it, simply state that you are not her mother, you never will be her mother, but still there can be mutual respect and helping out each other..
Anybody NOT married in this
Anybody NOT married in this stuff, should run immediately upon seeing al these red flags, even before marriage. Be thankful you are seeing reality now, and not later. These issues will only become more serious and problematic for you over time. Do you want that-- if you can stop it now?
Choosing to leave this
Choosing to leave this situation need not be an admission of defeat. You would simply be making the choice where you end up happy. If you cannot get aling with her, best to go, because kids don't magicallly change when they hit a certain age, or move out, or marry. They simply being a different set of differences to your life. She is permanent baggage that your partner carries. You have to,decide how close you want to live to that baggage.
All *time* does is lengthen
All *time* does is lengthen and exacerbate the problem. SD will not magically change and become a tidy well mannered young woman just because a year or two has passed, likely she'll get nastier and messier since your partner is enabling her behavior.
Your personalities do not clash, it's the roles you're each playing that are clashing. She's a grown woman living at home with daddy like a young child and you're the head female of the household, not her. There is no way to *equalize* your role with that of a child's w/out demeaning yourself in the process.
You say your partner is tolerant but it seems like he tolerates you only if you assume doormat position to his oldest daughter.
***Ignore the few people on this board who attack SM's. They are not SM's themselves but are likely disgruntled SD's who never confronted their own demons. Also someone smashed their sandcastle when they were little. Best response ***crickets***
Biggest and most important
Biggest and most important thing: whether your partner has your back.
Odds are things will get worse.
Ask your partner what will happen if:
-SD wants you gone
-SD won't move out
-whether the way he treats you will depend on what she wants.
If he hems and haws, get out now. Any hesitation, run far run fast.
Your relationship with SD may get better but may get far worse. You can disengage from her especially if you can get her out of the house.
You don't want to have to also disengage from your partner because he is putting her first.
Be very careful.
Your SD isn't the problem.
Your SD isn't the problem. It's your SO and his inability to put up boundaries with his daughter and his reluctance to have your back.
If your happiness was important to him you wouldn't have needed to come here.
If I were you, i'd meet with a counselor or therapist to help you sort some of the issues out you are having with stephell.
Good luck!