SD Rant from the Wife of a Widower
Ok – this is my first post about my situation, and I honestly don’t know where to start so bear with me – this is LONG. I am 40-something, and have been married for almost 10 years to my DH, who happens to be a widower. We have 2 children together – DS8 and DS6.
DH’s first wife passed away suddenly 11 years ago and they had 3 children together – SS14 (now 25), SS11 (now 21), and SD6 (now 17). Due to this, all 3 have lived with us full-time.
DH nor ANY of the skids had any sort of counseling after his first wife’s death – even after my repeated suggestions that I felt they should do so prior to DH and I getting married. He said they ‘didn’t need it’ and I figured, as the newcomer, I better leave it alone. He’s the Dad and knows what’s best for his kids.
My husband said from day 1 that I should ‘treat the kids as if they were my own’. I was so happy he trusted me with his kids and I took the responsibility very seriously.
SD17 and I used to be close when I first came into the picture, but over the years have grown apart. Weird, right?? Honestly, I don’t know when I first noticed it, but our relationship has gotten progressively worse over the years and according to her, it’s all my fault.
Now she is going to her counselor at school complaining about how horrible her family life is and how ‘something needs to change’. DAMN RIGHT something needs to change.
I have had it with her shitty little attitude, snotty looks, etc. She is allowed to take daddy’s (our joint and only) credit card and spend our money on whatever she wants. I’m talking clothes that she never wears then gets rid of with the tags still on them, daily Starbucks, daily fast food, spending money for dates with her boyfriend, etc. She has a job – why are we covering her spending money again??
She talks back to DH and screams in his face with no consequences, leaves her crap laying all over the house, creates messes and NEVER picks up after herself, or simply does a half-assed job . On the weekends, she stays up all night and sleeps all day. Then when she finally does get up – around 1:00 or so, she lays around on the couch on her phone texting, taking selfies, and snap chatting all day.
Yet, DH and I still bought her a nice car last fall. We bought her a new iPhone for Christmas, and a new laptop for her birthday last month. She also talked to Daddy last week while he was out of town for work and got him to pay for her almost $400 Prom dress . He showed me a picture of it after she had purchased it. ALL ON OUR DIME of course – I had no say. It was already a done deal when he told me about it. She says she'll pay for part of it, but I know we'll never see a dime from her.
For Spring Break this year, she gets to travel with her sports team (by plane) to an out of state tournament for 3 days – this will cost over $1000.00. Literally hours after she gets back from that trip, she heads out on Spring Break (by plane) with her boyfriend for a week (also likely about $1000). And what do DH, DS8 and DS6 get to do over Spring Break? Stay home, because we certainly couldn’t go anywhere without her – she might feel bad!! AAAAGH. While I am REALLY looking forward to time away from the little snot, it pisses me off that she thinks she has it so effing bad.
Just recently, she told DH that she feels like our family is a family of 4 (meaning DH, myself, DS8 and DS6). What a bunch of crap. I have supported ALL of the skids from day 1, and have made many sacrifices over the last 10 years – by choice.
Prior to my bios coming into the picture, and then when both were infants/toddlers, we spent COUNTLESS hours at hockey, lacrosse, soccer and baseball games and practices supporting the skids. That was the LAST place I wanted to be with my babies, but I went because I felt it was the ‘right thing to do’ as a stepmom. I spent both of my maternity leaves running the skids around to their friends’ houses, to their sports activities, etc. because it was the ‘right thing to do’ – and honestly, DH expected it. I should have been enjoying the time off with my brand new little guys, but instead, I was loading the babies up and running the skids all over hell and hardly having any downtime to process being a ‘new’ mom. I also tried to help with discipline, which I know now was the WRONG thing to do.
No way in hell I’d EVER make sacrifices like that again.
She also recently told DH she’s pissed and not talking to me because there were a couple of days where I did everyone elses’ dishes and not hers. She felt I was being ‘stubborn for an adult’. What she didn’t share with DH is that I had just finished doing the dishes at the end of the day, and the sink was empty. She decided to bring all of the dirty dishes down from her room to the sink right afterwards. Well, as far as I’m concerned, those are now her responsibility. We have a dishwasher, and I’m not her freaking maid.
I figured out a couple of years ago that I need to attempt to disengage from her in order to save my sanity and keep the peace with DH. But I can only ignore so much of this shit, and then I get to a breaking point and just about lose my mind – which is where I’m at today.
DH typically sticks up for SD when I question him about why he’s letting her act like a spoiled brat. He gets extremely defensive and says that he ‘feels bad that she lost her mom’, ‘feels bad that she has health issues’, and ‘she’s my only daughter so ….’. Well, guess what – I feel bad for her too, but that doesn’t mean she gets to act like an asshole and get away with the stuff she does?!
It might even make it more tolerable if DH was as easy on DS8 and DS6. But, that’s not the case. If DS8 or DS6 even so much as LOOK at my DH sideways, they better run, because they’ll be in for it. I completely lose my shit when this happens. Also, if we're running errands and they ask if they can have a treat (some candy or small thing) DH actually has to think about it. Sometimes tells them no because of the 'way they're acting'.
Thank God SD has 1 only year of high school left – then she is going off to college. She’s looking at a school on the other side of the country because she has to ‘get out of our house – it’s so horrible’. Of course I am to blame for her wanting to get out of the house. I remind DH that I think every teenager has said that at some point in their life. I know I did.
DH is sad and ‘jokingly’ tells her she is not allowed to go that far away. Aside from the expense, I am PRAYING TO GOD she ends up there.
These days I often find myself staying quiet and trying to find quiet space – away from SD and her drama. I also find myself CONSTANTLY working to keep DS8 and DS6 as far away from her influence as I can. Don’t get me wrong, I am totally aware that they are still little and will no doubt have their own share of ‘teenage stuff’ as they get older. And you can bet your ass they will have boundaries and expectations of being respectful, responsible kids. But they certainly don’t need to see the things she’s doing and saying and be influenced by it. I also don’t need her posting pictures and videos of them all over social media. I have asked her not to multiple times, but she still does.
It’s breaking my heart that any of this bullshit drama might stay in the memory banks of DS8 and DS6. I work really hard to stay neutral and calm in front of them. I’m not always successful, but I try.
I know there are stepmoms out there who get along great with their stepdaughters. And every day I feel like a horrible, selfish, immature adult, and I’m embarrassed for the way I feel about some of the things I’ve vented about here. So it helps so much to see that I’m not the only one dealing with these issues.
Yep your problem isn't SD. .
Yep your problem isn't SD. . .it's DH! He has guilty daddy syndrome.
http://www.daddygotcustody.com/disneyland-parent-syndrome/
Stop being embarrassed. Right
Stop being embarrassed. Right now. This second.
That is the number one thing you can do for yourself.
Your dh has spoiled his daughter and that is not your fault. There is no default setting of "adults must suffer the dreadfulness of offspring" for the teen years. I dispute that vociferously. I know many lovely teens. I'm sure they can be a pill at times but overall they are respectful, ambitious, hard-working, and have been taught manners. To me, the teen years, especially the late teen years, are when you can expect a child to start learning very rapidly as their intellectual capacities grow. Still occasionally whiny and snarky, but mostly striving to become adults cuz it's exciting. So your dh is waaaaaay out of line to allow all this awfulness.
Can't go anywhere on spring break cuz sd's fee fees? Well, then, buy 4 tickets to wherever SD is going. Cuz YOUR fee fees might get hurt from her going somewhere without y'all. In fact, altbough terribly evil, I have a fantasy of you getting your little ones all whipped up into a frenzy where they go crying to daddy about how bad they feel that sis gets to go to X and it's not fair they can't go to X tooooooooo! (evil cackle!)
Furthermore, your dh is nuts sending his underage daughter off for a vacay with her boyfriend. She is NOT an adult and should not be allowed to get into an adult situation like that.
So the evidence is in: your dh is nuts.
Stop feeling guilty or embarrassed. There's a lot more you can and will learn by sharing your story here. But right this second just own it that DH is completely wrong and your feelings are not only natural THEY ARE SANE.
^^ This. You're not crazy.
Totally agree about the
Totally agree about the vacation with the boyfriend. But can you imagine if we told her she couldn't go??? She would make our lives a living hell. Also, I should mention - neither DH nor I have EVER met either of his parents. Not kidding. She will be with them for a week.
Oh, he's already addressed the 'grandpa' situation.^^ He had her Dr. put her on the pill because her 'periods were so bad' and that was supposed to make it better. Mmm hmmmm.....hopefully she's taking them. :O
ChiefGrownup YESYESYES! I
ChiefGrownup YESYESYES! I agree with this wholeheartedly:
I know many lovely teens. I'm sure they can be a pill at times but overall they are respectful, ambitious, hard-working, and have been taught manners. To me, the teen years, especially the late teen years, are when you can expect a child to start learning very rapidly as their intellectual capacities grow. Still occasionally whiny and snarky, but mostly striving to become adults cuz it's exciting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS: }:)
I have a fantasy of you getting your little ones all whipped up into a frenzy where they go crying to daddy about how bad they feel that sis gets to go to X and it's not fair they can't go to X tooooooooo!
She sounds like a total
She sounds like a total Princess and hopefully will be out of your life and on to creating her own life, leaving you to the wonderfulness of your little ones. Im sure you are pretty angry by now, but know that it will do no good to vent to DH, and it will do no good keeping it all inside. I found it very helpful to vent, and read other's stories about their experiences. I am pretty new (3 years) into this experience, and already have disengaged from Winona SD17, and her bad behavior does not really upset me as much as it used to. I say "good evening/good morning/hello/goodbye".
SO wants to give the 17-almost-18 year old "Lassy" (that's lazy ass combined) a cute little used BMW. For her birthday. She doesn't even have the get-up-and-go to get her permit. She doesn't practice so who knows how long before she gets ready for license. She appreciates nothing, and is only nice to daddee when she needs money (this piece of work doesn't even have a job, so her hand is always out! Drives me insane)
Your teenage SD will only get worse with age, I fear, but at least you have an "ours" family to help bonding. And now that you know the nature of the beast-let, you can protect yourself and your finances from the princess. Better now than never!
YES - SD is a total princess,
YES - SD is a total princess, for sure.
And you are correct. When I bring up SD's behavior DH gets really angry and somehow (at least partially) shifts the blame to me. Something I am doing, or not doing, is causing her to act this way. He tells me that 'there has to be a balance' of praise and parenting/consequences. I totally agree with that, and I felt like I did that for the first however many years. But does he really expect me to just overlook the stuff that is blatantly inappropriate for someone her age? And just let her continue acting the way she does?
Sounds like you are dealing with the same thing with your SD. I hate to say it, but I would bet my ass that she will get that adorbs little BMW from Daddee, and somehow damage it shortly thereafter (I'm speaking from experience, here). So hopefully none of the $$ for the car is coming out of your pocket.
Yes, same thing happens with
Yes, same thing happens with me. I bring up the behavior = argument happens. Like when you turn the key in the ignition, the car starts (car joke...) BUT, in my case, I am noticing that SO thinks about what I say, notices what she does that is annoying and needs changing. I have stopped saying ANYTHING AT ALL. Just silence. Sigh. Then more silence.
Yes, SM it will always be your fault, or someone else's fault, because princess is a victim.
However, if you remove yourself and just focus on you and kiddos, then there is no way on this earth you will have any of the blame.
Im afraid you must simply back off, and allow her to do her thing, and move away being the person she is. And yes, that means completely and utterly back off. Disappear. Poof! She probably wont change much, and the further the better from your young ones (yes siblings do influence each other, more so with same sex, I think).
Yep. SO knows that is a possibility/probability. She will be on HIS insurance, and the vehicle is a very inexpensive one, because he is mechanic (BMW and mini-cooper, and he bought it with his own money - so as far as I am concerned - he can do what he wants ). Sidenote - Winona SD17 is always saying she wants a mini-cooper, and he wants to hand over a BMW. She shows zero appreciation because she wants mini-cooper. I would love him to get a used Toyota!!!!!! Shes such a brat!!!! aaaarg! Sorry for highjacking your post.
Silence and more silence -
Silence and more silence - EXACTLY. And I have completely backed off of saying anything to SD. Honestly, I just try and avoid her. I am letting her do her thing, and watching DH clean up her messes (literally and figuratively). But then, my silence gets me in trouble. Then I'm ignoring her. Honestly. :?
I am trying to stay the eff out of her way and keep my mouth shut and I still get dragged into it. It's maddening.
Tell him in 10 years you
Tell him in 10 years you haven't managed to get it right so you are stepping away completely. Tell him you've learned that you will never get it right so you will stop "interfering." Then just completely disengage. When dh bitches you out for "ignoring" her repeat that you knew you would not get the balance right so you didn't want to "cause" any more "damage."
Really, I don't know how you've stood it so long. I would have told him years ago I can't understand how I could be so incompetent at this one thing and I would surely avoid all things SD to protect her from myself.
I have told DH something to
I have told DH something to that effect. I am very matter of fact about it, and just tell him that I have - for many reasons - chosen to step back so that I don't create more issues between she and I, and between DH and I. He doesn't like that much. And it's funny - SD keeps trying to push my buttons and get me in trouble with DH.
I look back ALOT and am not sure how I have hung in there either. Honestly, I think if not for my boys, I likely would have left and let him handle everything. I would have saved myself alot of frustration and heartache for feeling like a complete failure as a 'mom'and wife.
Hang on, he WAS a widower. He
Hang on, he WAS a widower. He isn't a widower now. He is married to you. He lost his first wife and is now remarried to you.
First, if you are employed start setting aside money to spend on your biokids. This Princess is the only girl and as such has become a protected species. Hence the bucketfuls of money being thrown at her to preserve her life.
As for the counselling, don't hold your breath. This is one DH to work this one out. If he wants you to engage with her ask him what he wants you to do. Because when you try to be a good female role model and teach her to be self sufficient and not rely on a man to provide everything for her he bites your head off. He can't have it both ways. He has never been a teenage girl whereas you have. You know how this works. And just like you haven't been a teenage boy like SDs boyfriend only DH knows what he is more than likely thinking.
Just make sure you get some fun money socked away for that 'rainy day'. And DH should realise you guys have nearly been married as long as he was with his first wife.
Yes, he technically WAS a
Yes, he technically WAS a widower, but it's not that easy. I think the common perception is that women (or men) who get involved with someone who lost their SO have it somewhat easy because the late SO is not around to meddle in their lives. That is true in one sense, but there is a whole new set of issues that comes along with it.
I believe all of the following to be true in MOST instances. The deceased SO is put on a pedestal. They were perfect, they did no wrong. They were so wonderful/beautiful, always happy, and were perfect parents, friends, daughter/son-in-laws, etc. Not to mention acknowledging late SO's birthdays, wedding/death anniversary dates, and the like.
So to come after them and try to be a 'parent' and wife in that kind of shadow is extremely difficult, and not for the faint of heart. I happen to be a VERY insecure person who worries too much about what others think, so I have spent most of the last 10 years with DH trying to be the 'perfect' mom, wife, daughter-in-law, etc. Stupid, I know, but I did. I worried about what other people thought of me, what they would say about me, and how they perceived me as a mom and wife. To make things worse, LW and I went to school together, so we know alot of the same people. Double up the intensity. But over the last month or so I have decided that I can't worry about any of that anymore. I am making myself miserable, and I'm over it.
I can't count the number of times DH has brought up that we have been married almost as long as he and LW, and that I have been SD's mom longer than she ever was. How should I feel about that? Can you say guilt trip? I'm over that, too.
I will be completely shocked if the counseling ever happens. My guess is it will, since SD is DEMANDING it happen. God knows he better follow through or there will be hell to pay. She wants to be validated. But I guess in a way, I do, too.
If it doesn't get set up, though, that will somehow likely be my fault as well. I have told him all along, that all I am trying to do is help raise a respectful, responsible and self-sufficient young woman. Instead, we're raising a bitchy, entitled, lazy brat who expects to be given everything she wants, expects everything to go the way she wants it to go. BS. She will be in for a rude awakening when she gets out into the 'real world'. Or, a more likely scenario is that DH may just continue to come to her rescue and give her whatever she wants or needs whenever she wants it. Will likely be easier for him to do this when she's not in the house, and I am not there to see it happening and call him on it.
I DO often do try and do things alone with my boys - with or without DH. But we usually have to check and see 'what SD is doing' before we plan. She will come with us if it sounds like fun, if she can bring her boyfriend, or as long as it accommodates her schedule. If not, she says 'no'. If we do something without asking her, she's pissed and we hear about it. It's crazy.
Mini-wife: "She is allowed
Mini-wife: "She is allowed to take daddy’s (our joint and only) credit card and spend our money on whatever she wants." You and her are in competition as dad's "wife."
Being a mom or SM and being a child are two different things. Just like being a mom and having a child is not a competitive event, neither is being a SM and having to take care of a child. These are two completely different roles. When someone (like DH) comes along and ACTS like they are same role and what he does for one, he has to do for the other, and so on = huge mini-wife issue!
This is also why it bothers me when someone says, "Well, if SM gets to do it, why not SKs?" I'll tell you why. SM is an adult and SK is not. SM has one role and SK has another. They are two different roles. No one should even be thinking that they are close to being one in the same or there should be some type of competitive event for DH's attention or money or whatever.
By letting her use your joint CC for anything she wants, DH is pretty much sending her the signal that you and her are almost one in the same. Only difference is you get to sleep in the same bed with dad and she doesn't.
Yep!!!!! You guys totally
Yep!!!!! You guys totally nailed it.
I've said this before and I'm
I've said this before and I'm sure I'll say it again, society doesn't recognize second marriages. They recognize divorce, but apparently still have not come to terms with second marriages. SMs (and step-dads) are asininely expected to sacrifice their lives for someone else's divorce and children and suck it up and take it and permit themselves to be the family punching bag, all while BM, DH and SKs go on.
I'm not saying divorce doesn't suck, because it does, but what I'm saying is for anyone to expect a 3rd party to pay the price for someone else's divorce is nuts. For one thing, SM and DH are married or are partners, so they should be treated just like any other married couple or partnership. None of this crap where adult SKs or BM gets to dictate when she gets to play wife again with DH or not and at which events. Meanwhile, SM is expected to be content being thought of and treated as sloppy seconds.
It is amazing to me how many people on these pages act like, "Well, if it is your second marriage, too bad." They just assume that SM involves a 2nd marriage for both DH and SM. Well, it may be SMs first marriage, and it may even be DH's first marriage. Kids can happen outside of marriage, you know? Further amazing is how few people recognize that SMs and step-dads come in all shapes and sizes, and very few of them deserve to be treated like sloppy seconds like it was the 1900s or something (and they shouldn't have even been treated that way back then).
Yes, and society's view that SMs and SKs are in competition and that situation automatically implies an all-out war, with pops stuck in the middle. So far from the truth. Like DH was suckered into marrying SM and now poor pops is stuck in the middle trying to make everyone happy. NO. If pops and everyone else treated SM like what she is--DH's wife, and SKs like what they are--kids, that would = problem solved.
so many things I would love
so many things I would love to say...
1. Immediately take the credit card and not even DH can have it anymore, you simply tell him, SD is your problem not mine, this is my money as well and it will only be spend if we both agree. Actually stop the card and get a new one, let SD stand at the store with a red face, tell no one. To Dh you simply say - you have 2 other children as well not only SD17... actually he has 4 other children.
2. Immediately separate finances none of your money ever to go to DH's account again, DH has to pay his responsibilities towards the house hold, his, SD's 100% and your kids 50%... after this he can give to SD what he wants to.
3. DH ever telling you he feels sorry for her cause she lost her mother, that's easy say and who's going to feel sorry for DS1 and DS2 if the loose their father......
You have done nothing wrong Hon SD17 is old enough to wash all the dishes, stop being her maid and start by taking back control of your house, it's your house not hers.... take back control
I have had many ‘less than
I have had many ‘less than perfect moments’ over the last 10 years, when I lose my shit after dealing with too much of this bs. But I am slowly but surely trying to preserve a happy environment for my boys (without a doubt the most important thing). I’m trying maintain distance from the drama, and by doing that, regain my sanity.
Wow Acratopotes - I would get such an incredible amount of pleasure from canceling the cc and letting SD fumble around at the checkout….lol!! }:)
This would be the sweetest revenge for SD LOSING DH’s (our only joint) cc. Not once, not twice, but 3 times!! For real. He never tells me about it when it happens – he just keeps ordering new ones. Batshit crazy in my opinion.
I no longer do SD's dishes or laundry, or clean her disgusting bedroom and bathroom. I don’t offer to take her shopping for this, that or the other thing. I let her daddy pick up after her messes, and I (most of the time) refuse to engage with her bratty crap.
I honestly can’t imagine my boys having to ‘lose their father’ via an ugly divorce. And it WOULD be ugly. If anyone ‘crosses’ my DH, he does not take it lightly and makes sure they pay in one way or another. Makes me want to :sick: just thinking about it.
Not sure how to separate finances since everything goes to 1 account, but I can likely squirrel away some $ in a new account under my name.
Hon, simply open your own
Hon, simply open your own bank account and get your money paid into that from now on.
Then stop contributing towards SD's CC..... what ever she buys DH can pay. No need to talk to him about it, if he blows up cause your income is not in his account anymore, smile and say - stop handing SD the CC to do with what she wants and I will start contributing.
The only money you contribute into the joint account is your part of house hold expenses, the rest of the money you keep for yourself.
Start asking for cash back at
Start asking for cash back at the grocery store and convenience stores. $20 to $50 here and there will add up.
I think this is a combination
I think this is a combination of:
1 - typical bratty teenage behaviour regardless of step or not
2 - some real step-related issues (hurts/anger) on your SD's part
3 - Guilty Disney Dad who would rather not upset his DD, so is adding to the issues
Remind yourself she is a teenager, as you're doing, when she starts the attitude, selfies, selfishness,etc...
Believe her when she says she feels she isn't part of the family (not saying it's true, but feelings aren't right or wrong, and lots of steps feel this with blended families - SM's too!)
Work with your DH on the Guilty Disney Dad stuff, in a non-confrontational way
I went through issues with my OSD at about the same age your SD is now. My SD was also living with us full time.
She ranted about her Dad 'not loving her anymore' 'putting his SO (me) first' called me every name in the book, refused to speak with me, told lies about me and my family. On and on it went
I spent a lot of time convincing myself she was just plain evil, but many years later I realize she was all the things your SD above is: An attitudinal hormonal teenager. A jealous and resentful SD who very much felt her Dad didn't love her anymore, and that she had been replaced by me. And finally, a very guilty Disney Dad who caved to almost all her temper tantrums and whims because he felt so bad, and lived so much in fear of her walking out of his life
Best advice I can give you is don't take it personally. Try to put yourself in her shoes. But of course, don't tolerate acceptable crap from her.
Ok – this is going to be
Ok – this is going to be long.
I agree - some of what SD does IS typical teenage stuff. The snotty attitude, the selfies, the sleeping in until noon. I expect it from her, she’s a teenager. I was once, too…I get it. Doesn’t mean it isn’t annoying.
Let me give some context. Before DH’s LW passed away, all 3 of the SK’s were expected to do chores every Saturday morning. Nobody got to do anything or go anywhere until they were ALL DONE. That lasted for a while when I came into the picture, then eventually, DH just stopped enforcing it altogether.
Fast forward to today. SD NEVER lifts a finger to help out with anything around the house, and shows little – if any – appreciation for anything. Just continues to walk around with her hand out and a scowl on her face.
I get it. She’s an angsty teen. But at what point should I be able to expect more from her? I mean, she’s got 1 year of high school left, and then will be an ‘adult’ and going off to college.
SD has also always had complete and total freedom to get whatever, and do whatever she wants (since I’ve been in the picture). Rarely any questions asked by DH.
How about the time last summer SD spent the day at her friend’s house, and came home obviously HIGH, and then asked DH if she could take his car to a ‘movie’ with her friends. He told her yes without even hesitating, and she walked away to head off to the movies. I asked DH to look at her, and said that she was obviously high. Only then did he tell her no, she couldn’t go to the movie.
I think it’s common sense that someone who is obviously high shouldn’t be driving a vehicle with a bunch of other kids inside.
Or how about the time she tried to sneak a large bottle of our booze out of our house when she was going to her friend’s to ‘sleep over’. He wasn’t going to question anything but I did. I found the bottle at the bottom of her sleep over bag.
I also think it’s common sense that someone with serious medical issues, and who is also 5 years underage, should not be drinking.
DH would never have noticed or questioned either of these instances, but I did. So SD is pissed that I’m inserting myself, asking questions, and looking out for her well-being. As a MOM should do.
Recently, DH, SD and I had to attend a truancy meeting at our local courthouse because she had almost 30 unexcused tardies or absences from school in 3 months. This is because she couldn’t get her lazy ass out of bed in the morning and get to school on time, if at all. I know for a fact most times she was up all night on the phone with her boyfriend. But Daddy would continually excuse her. Ortho appointments, ‘sick’, cramps, you name it.
I questioned the absences and DH said to me ‘well, if she is getting good grades, she can skip every day as far as I’m concerned.’ Really??? Because it’s a state law that she HAS to be in class on a daily basis or we, as parents, get in trouble for her not attending. I said this to him, but he thought I was overreacting. Ok – so I dropped it and let it continue.
Imagine my ‘surprise’ when we got the letter in the mail telling us we were required to show up at the courthouse.
I DO very often try to put myself in her shoes. There is no possible way she can feel her daddy doesn't love her. He gushes over her constantly, gives her whatever she wants and lets her do whatever she wants. He has multiple times thrown me under the bus with her. So she sees that we are not a united front, and knows she has daddy wrapped around her little finger. She also knows that when daddy and I aren’t a united front, it means daddy will give her whatever she wants. And she takes full advantage of that.
I know she misses her mom - and I totally and completely sympathize with that – I can’t even begin to imagine how hard that is. And I have NEVER EVER tried to get in the way of her relationship with her Dad.
But that does NOT give her the right to act the way she does. End of story.
Trust me, I 'm not someone who feels even the tiniest bit good that DH is in the middle of all of this - which is why I have simply stepped away from most things SD-related. I figured if I step away, the drama stops, and makes it better for SD and DH. And ultimately, better for DH and I.
I have tried a handful of times to VERY carefully ask DH why he lets her get away with the things he does. There is no bringing it up with him. He is immediately defensive and eventually ends up irate. Typically the conversation turns back to me and what I’m doing wrong.
Once he told me ‘You (meaning me) ‘could have been a rockstar. SD lost her mom and you had every chance to be ‘that person’ for her and you’re blowing it’. So, DH, explain to me exactly what ‘being a rockstar’ means? Giving her whatever she wants, cleaning up after her constantly (remember – she’s 17), letting her get away with whatever? Is that what her mom would have done? Maybe so? I have no idea.
And then I go back to feeling like a piece of crap. I am completely exhausted. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out how to handle this, and have shed enough tears for a lifetime. Those tears are always just right under the surface. The slightest scratch brings them out at a moment’s notice. Not looking for sympathy at all, just stating facts.
Being a stepmom is easily the hardest thing I have ever done in my lifetime. Though I do love the SK’s, I’m not sure I would ever sign up for it again.
Wow I can't believe your DH
Wow I can't believe your DH said that to you! Talk about being an ingrate. After all you've done for his child, a little support and gratitude would go a long way I'm sure!
I'm sorry you're going through this, yes it is very hard. And yes I'm sure you have definitely put yourself in your SD's shoes. You do sound like you sympathize with her where appropriate.
If your DH is always giving in to her, then guess it's not surprising that she acts like a bit of a brat as well
If you have one more year before she goes to college, then hopefully disengaging from her drama is doable in the meantime. Once she goes to college and gets a better taste of what life is like, perhaps she'll appreciate what she has at home a little more