Daughter and Step Daughter has a Formal Dinner Dance coming up soon....
My BD, 14 and SD, 13, who are both in the same grade, have a formal dinner dance coming up. I plan on taking my BD to get a dress, however I am having hesitation on taking my SD. Reason being, last year, they both attended a Valentines Day Dance and I made an appointment for my BD. At the request of my DH, I also included my SD and her BM. The appointment was two months from the dance and an hour prior to the dress appointment, the BM called and said to my SD that she was unable to go because she didn't have the money. Needless to say my SD was distraught. I phoned my DH and alerted him and he contacted the BM and said we would be willing to split the cost with her and she did eventually did show. The dress salon we went to had the ability to rent dresses and for middle school dances, I thought this would be a prudent option. The cost to rent a short, homecoming style dress was $45. The BM was pleasantly surprised and let me know she could afford the $45 rental fee and ordered a dress. Two days before I was to pick up my BD an SD Valentines Day dresses, the BM texted my DH and said she was unable to come up with the money and either he would pay for it or she would not go. Needless to say he agreed and paid for the dress rental. The day of the dance my BD texted me from school to tell me my SD was not in school and if she wasn't there soon, she would not be able to attend the dance. I phoned my DH and he called my SD. My SD told my DH that she missed the bus and the BM wouldn't get up to take her however they were now at WalMart. He told her she needed to be at school by 11AM in order to be able to go to the dance. The BM was angry about the entire situation and got her to school however BM never came to our house to see her off in her dress or take a picture of her going to her first dance. Since the Valentines Dance so much more has happened and I have had many issues regarding lying and lack of respect from my SD. She has caused so many issues in our home over the last year. Most recently, BM and DH took my SD for orthodontist for braces evaluation and they agreed to getting her braces. Before getting them on the BM stated she is in school and just can't afford to pay for her 28% portion of her braces after insurance, a whopping $23.20/month (oh, I cover the insurance, not my DH)and yes, he pays child support for 50/50 custody... and no, she doesn't work and go to school, but she does go bowling weekly. She has never had a full time job. SO... here I am not wanting to be taken advantage any more, by my SD or her BM. I am all for splitting the cost of everything including the dinner dance dress, but I do not want to take her knowing exactly how this is going to go down. I am the one who is going to be stuck with the entire cost, put in all the effort and in the end feel like I was shit on. Thoughts and advice, please!
Hate the games from BioMom!
Hate the games from BioMom! Why can't these ladies just get a life! I think there will be resentment from SD if you do not include her. I think it will be worth the $45.00 rental fee and to let her have the experience. Or at least try to... If BioMom pulls some crap again... SD will know you guys tried AGAIN. The anger will be on Biomom not on Step Mom or Dad if she messes up plans again.
And make sure SD knows... "Your mom should be paying for half ~ but we would hate for you to miss the experience." Maybe make her earn the money? IDK... Somethings are just better off looking like the hero instead of making the kids suffer because BioMom is a looser... We have the same here with BioMom. No job LIVES on Child Support. Never has money for the kids things yet she has an Iphone and Iwatch and Car Insurance gets paid for and her hair and all the other things she does... But when the kids need a pair of pants she's broke. SURPRISE!
Christmas I was given a
Christmas I was given a list...PINK back pack, 4-PINK Out fits, earings, bear paw boots, Northface jacket, and a surprise Mendes/Puth Concert Tix... I got everything on that list, wrapped it and put it under the tree. Christmas afternoon I was told that she got a sleeve a Urban Decay eyeshadows at her BM's house for Christmas. I said, nice! What else did you get... nothing, she doesn't have a job and doesn't have much money. I said Christmas comes on the same day every year and your BM not working is a choice, not an excuse.
I wouldn't take SD with you
I wouldn't take SD with you to the appointment. It is not fair for your DD to have to share in this experience with SD and her BM.
SD's BM is capable of making a dress happen and if she doesn't, then that is on BM.
I would take my daughter and have a day of fun shopping and preparing for the dance without anyone raining on that day.
This is YOUR DD's dance too. Stop letting BM and SD make it less enjoyable for her.
If your DH gets upset that you didn't invite SD along, make it clear that she has a mother who is capable of doing this for her.
.
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I honestly do not want to
I honestly do not want to take her, I just don't want to have the fight with my DH. ... and it is much more complex than just about the money. It about all the lies and bull that has been done by the SD. A month ago, she kick the chair out from underneath my DD at school. She fell and hit her head and twisted her ankle. She completely denied it and refuses to accept the blame for her getting hurt even though people saw her with her foot on the chair. My DD just wanted her to say sorry, because she doesn't want to believe that she did it intentionally but she just sat there with a complete blank face. I don't believe it is fair for my DD to have to share a wonderful and exciting experience with my SD and her BM. How is it even my responsibility to have to take her. Why should I have to pay for it, I choose to work to be able to provide everything within my power for my children. Her BM chooses not to work and expects us to pay for everything all the time.
Just two nights ago, she mentioned that I was a B*TCH for yelling about the incident... me a bitch? I just thought, right, I am the one paying for your braces. Maybe I was a little over the top with the yelling, but she hurt my child and DH was siding with my SD. And yet again, I was called a B*ITCH and DH sat there and said nothing.
I am just tired of being taken advantage
Right...at least not by me. I
Right...at least not by me. I am not saying she should not be permitted to go, I think she should go, but I don't want to take her to get the dress, end up having to paying for it, doing hair, makeup and getting shit on or even worse having my DD hurt. The attitude anymore is really something! It is almost frightening that she has no expression on her face when questioned about something.
she plays games and
she plays games and manipulates people. Last year this time, she caused all kinds of trouble in the house... her cell phone was on MY plan. I cancelled it. He asked me if I did and I said yes, I am not about to pay for a non-necessity especially for someone who doesn't respect me. She went back to her BM and told her and her BM's parents (grandparents)and made her grandparents get her a phone that next day.
So even if I don't take her dress shopping , and cause a fight with my DH, she will still get what she wants in the end ... and I will have to hear that I did for my DD and didn't do for his.
and I will have to hear that
and I will have to hear that I did for my DD and didn't do for his.
So what? She doesn't deserve your kindness. Your husband and BM should be doing for theirs.
BM never does, she puts it
BM never does, she puts it off on DH and her parents (SD's Grandparents)
I never understand how she can get away with doing nothing. She doesn't take her to the doctors, can't afford to contribute to braces, doesn't pay for anything extra - I am not even sure she buys her clothes. All I ever hear from my SD is her grandmother buys her clothes or she gets hand me downs from some cousin.
When I don't do the same for my SD as I do for my DD she gets an attitude and takes it out my DD. How is that even fair? It is not my DD fault her BM doesn't do for her. But somehow it will be my fault that she is getting exactly the same benefits that my DD is getting.
uggg
Then it's on your husband,
Then it's on your husband, unless you had an agreement that you would be HIS child's pseudo mom. He may expect that of you but you certainly don't have to do it, especially if you are going to be treated disrespectfully.
And yes, that may come at a cost but you are not their servant.
If he wants his child to have things and do things, he needs to make that happen for her, not push it onto you.
Why would you want her to
Why would you want her to even go?? Seriously, If SD treated my BD that way I would not allow SD to even go looking for dresses with my DD.
Regardless of whether you pay for SD's dress or not, your DD deserves a day in peace without SD screwing that up by being there.
Why would you want her to
Why would you want her to even go?? Seriously, If SD treated my BD that way I would not allow SD to even go looking for dresses with my DD.
Regardless of whether you pay for SD's dress or not, your DD deserves a day in peace without SD screwing that up by being there.
Agreed. My DD wants it to
Agreed. My DD wants it to just be us and have a special day. But then she always feels badly about her BM never does anything like that for my SD and says... I feel bad, just bring her.
We have joint account for
We have joint account for household expenses. However we keep separate finances as a whole. I have two teens of my own that I do not expect him to have to financially care for. Their father is exceptional at always providing for them. My ex and I do not have child support... we just agreed to do what ever was required of them, as we both had decent jobs.
My DH and the BM have a very different relationship. She holds her hand out and he puts money in it.... at least that is how I see it. He never fought, just gave in
He is paying for the braces
He is paying for the braces himself... BUT I cover her health and dental insurance. So is the grand scheme he and I both are paying and BM will get all the credit!
The best part of her sucking
The best part of her sucking is ... NM is now dating my DH cousin. His kids now live with her and my SD. So my SD shares her life with her boy cousins. For the longest time they were even sharing a bed?
So no matter what I do I am a B*TCH but at least I don't make her sleep in bed with anyone.
DH didn't even have the balls to say anything? God forbid he cause any undue duress for her.
Then there is me, all I am thinking about it oh my goodness the therapy that this child is going to need to be able to function in life is going to be serious. I mean, who is made to sleep with their cousin?
Divorce has crossed my mind
Divorce has crossed my mind and mouth on several occasions... but only when we fight about SD or BM and sometimes inlaws.
I have been a rug mat for far to long.
Not excusing your SD at all,
Not excusing your SD at all, but why aren't you mad at DH for allowing his child to disrespect you?
This bitch wouldn't be doing a damn thing for either of them.
I just got up and went to
I just got up and went to bed... I was boiling inside. I had to mention to him yesterday that I was mad and he said he thought she was joking. He just never wants to be on her bad side, she is a snow flake that manipulates him. I told him, I was just as upset with him as I was with her... he never defends me yet expects me to baby sit her on the weekends and do exactly for her just like I do for my own DD
Joking? HE'S joking, right?
Joking? HE'S joking, right? Because if my SD called me a bitch, it wouldn't matter one iota if she was "joking". Not when she was 13, not now that she is 25.
I wouldn't babysit her on weekends or do anything for her. 'Cuz, yes, I'm a bitch like that.
I am trying not to be a
I am trying not to be a screaming maniac all the time.... I really want to try the disengagement thing that I read about and see how that works.
I don't appreciate being disrespected, and his lack of response tells me he really doesn't care.
He allows her to talk to him like a POS. I usually stand up for him and call her rude ass out, but that isn't working... so I am thinking I will no longer provided my ATM card for every little thing and see if that works.
Given all of the above in
Given all of the above in this post, hell no, I wouldn't be taking my SD and when she complains and asks why I'd be telling her AND her father that it's because of the appalling way she spoke to you on the above occasion.
Same would go if it were my BD.
I would love for my DH to
I would love for my DH to take her... him and the BM in my opinion should be there for these experiences. Not me, the B*TCH ATM Step Mother. My DH works Wednesday - Sunday. He is never around on the weekends to do anything with any of us, especially her. My SD comes on either Saturday Mornings at 8am or Sunday Evening at 8pm and is with us until Wednesday morning when she leaves for school. She spends the weekends with me and my children. I try not to complain, as I knew what I was getting into, but he doesn't do much with her and I am over it.
Well you said it yourself,
Well you said it yourself, you are over it, now what?
Question- what would he do if you weren't around to babysit his child? Because the answer to this questions is what he will be doing if you leave his as* for not parenting his child.
I don't know... believe me I
I don't know... believe me I think about it sometimes.
He is her father... tell him
He is her father... tell him in front of her that he will take her if he wants it done.
Oh no, he will not... he will
Oh no, he will not... he will not put her or the BM in the situation. He won't be the bad guy. He prefers to be the hero, many times at my expense.
I have been doing it for so
I have been doing it for so long now that no-one would understand why I am just now making it an issue. All I wanted was to give everyone a good life and in turn, I have been handed a pile of shit in return. I work full time, attend everything I feasibly can. Give everyone everything equally and continuously be taken advantage of. I am not going to take her to get the dress. Someone else can do that, being DH or BM or Grandma for all I care.
I have requested that he bid out of his job to have a normal M-F job and be able to do "family" things with us, unfortunately that would require him to take a pay cut and he is not willing to do so. If he suggest that she just stay with her BM, that would be a custody thing and he would end up paying even more in support.
I feel as if my hands are tied at the moment. Unless I leave myself, I think I am stuck babysitting her on the weekends until she has a life of her own.
My only concern is now that she is 13, she is going to start having more and more activities and I am going to have to get her to them... my own kids are extremely active and are constantly on the go
. There is not a chance I am going to miss my own BD and BS activities to be sure that she gets where she needs to be. Her BM is going to have to take her or he is going to need to make arrangements for her. I can not be in two places at one time, let alone three
I guess he will have to make
I guess he will have to make an appointment to take her then. I am going to take my DD on a weekend when she is with her Dad so I don't have to deal with it.
Tell your DH to take his
Tell your DH to take his spawn to the dress store that you are not doing it.
Why is skid even allowed to go to dance when she just called you a bit*h?!!! This speaks volumes about your relationship with your DH. If one of my skids called me a bit*h my SO would kick some serious butt and I know for a fact that the daddy daughter dance would not be attended, you do not reward bad behavior.
He told me that he talked
He told me that he talked with her yesterday... but I don't believe that for one minute. She knew I was angry and so did he when I got up and went to bed. Neither of them give a crap about me. My kids are teens too... they hate it in the house. How he lets her get away with everything and never says anything. They think he is a joke.
She called you a b**** and
She called you a b**** and your DH did nothing?
I wouldn't be doing a damn thing for her OR him.
He said he talked to her the
He said he talked to her the next day... but he let her talk to me like that and all I think about is if I could get you off my health insurance now I would. November doesn't come soon enough
He said he talked to her the
He said he talked to her the next day... but he let her talk to me like that and all I think about is if I could get you off my health insurance now I would. November doesn't come soon enough
Did not read all the
Did not read all the comments, but no it's not your responsibility to take SD, this is a mother daughter thing and SD is not your daughter.
Simply do not tell when you are going, not even to DD, just do it one after noon after school.... if DH has any issues with it, simply smile and say, but why don't you take SD..
forget about SD being pissed off with you, she does not like you any way.
This past weekend I took my
This past weekend I took my BD to get her dress. I have kept this a secret from my SD and DH because of the ordeal from last year. She had a wonderful experience and got the dress that she wanted. It was really nice to do something special with just my BD.
Now that being said... my BD and SD are both on the softball team together and there was a parent/boosters meeting this past Thursday. We were given our requirement of what is expected of us. Each child is to sell a package of discount tickets which goes towards the banquet at the end of the season. Each child is also required to participate in a Tag Day. I attended this meeting as did my SD's BM. My DH was working. The BM asked for an additional book of tickets to sell (I knew she was going to try to pry these off of my DH) and asked my SD if she thought her Dad would sell these for her (mind you I am sitting right there in the room with my children)and my SD responds, "Ya" ... well towards the end of the meeting the BM calls my name and asks if she can give the tickets to me to have my DH sell... I pick up my BD tickets and take a look at them and respond, "No, he is not going to be able to sell these at work. He works and hour from here and no one from work is going to buy these and come from there to here to go to our local fast food or bar restaurants for free French fries. Maybe SD should go around door to door and try to sell the tickets locally. Silence took upon the room, which gave me great satisfaction. Keep in mind, she was only required to sell 1 book not 2 books of tickets and BM took an extra book without asking first. That satisfaction lasted until last night, when she returned for our custodial time. She was naturally an hour and 18 minutes late and came with excuses and bull shit lies. DH transitioned the conversation to the softball tickets and told SD that she is going to have to sell them herself. She rebutted with a quick, I know. Then DH asked if she looked at the tickets, and she said, yes... so he asked why did you tell BM that I (DH) would to sell them? She said, I didn't.
That is when I had to remind her that she absolutely did. I said, yes you did... BM asked if you if you thought your Dad would sell these for you and you said YA when you were leaning on the table on the left side of the blonde girl. And her dry empty face response was, "ok"
At that moment I was never so glad that I didn't take the tickets and especially glad I didn't take her to get a dress. Wednesday doesn't come fast enough!