I am probably going to leave, move out. I am trying to find the strength to move forward without this option, I haven't talked to him since Sunday afternoon. He disregarded all my concerns and my BIGGEST issue is having a party, I am 110% against it, never did it when I was their age, I am totally against it. My sister and brother had one, I left to my grandma's, I was not going to be a part of it. I thought it was irresponsible and disrepectful towards my parents, someone could die and my parents would be at fault. I have told him many of times parties like this are a huge no no for me and he says that I am a goodie goodie, no one was like that when they were my age, etc. My feelings were crushed, again. He never takes me seriously anymore. I am pretty sure he will never change, he will allow his kids to walk all over him and now it affects me as well. Our parenting is not the same at all. It was when they were little, it is not anymore and the BM yells at him all the time over things he does with the kids. I am told it will get better as they grow and move out, but I cannot see how it would, they will always be a part of his life. I cannot stop crying, it has been off an on since Sunday morning. To me this is a huge huge concern, to him it is not.

Thank you for all the replies, it really means a lot, getting a broader perspective. I am beside myself, I find it so disrespectful & hurtful, I am very hurt by her actions.

**Update**
Well, SD15 and SD16 came back to our house Wednesday night. I haven't seen them since I found out from my husband the party SD16 had. Wednesday night my daughter, 15, had sports game until late so we decided to have the discussion regarding the party last night. At 6:30pm, the three girls were in the living room, so we went in and husband said we were going to have a talk about the liabilities of having a party (everyone was aware that this was going to occur, he texted everyone earlier to tell them about it, it wasn’t a surprise). SD16, who had the party, was doing homework, husband told her to stop and listen, she said no, it was important to do the homework, he said this is important. I said, this discussion is about you therefore we will wait for your full attention! She said, ya I get that already!

He explained the liability of having the kids drinking, driving, etc. he told her about the guns and how some person could easily take one and he could spend the rest of her life in jail, someone could die, etc. She said she already told everyone we had guns and not to touch them. I was like WHAT!!!!!!!

She continued to backtalk the whole time, I tried to remain calm. I told them we are chaning all the locks and only husband and I will have a key, there will no longer be any coming and going freely, you have lost that privilege. She said, this is not your house (referring to me) this is my house! Husband actually stuck up for me once and said to her, No this is her house, she pays the bills and takes care of it. I said, if you want to have a voice, start paying rent and expenses then you can have a choice, until then, you listen to us! She called me a bitch and started yelling. Husband didn’t do anything.

She said, you guys were kids once, you did stuff like that too. I said NO I did not, I never ever thought of having a party at my parents house, never, it is totally irresponsible and you expect us to trust you again! She told her dad she was packing her stuff and leaving, never coming back, going to live with her mom (her mom lives about 8-10 miles away). SD16 went into her bedroom, called me a bitch again and told her dad she hated me and has not liked me for a long time. (She and I have never gotten along, I am not sure if it is jealousy over her dad being I am younger or what, but she has always been very snubby with me so I rarely talk to her or interact with her, less drama all around).

SD16 called her mom on the phone bawling, telling her she is leaving to go home, she doesn’t want to be here anymore, she hates it here and then she says “I love you mom”. Husband says, quit the crap already!

SD16 and SD15 left. I went downstairs to talk to husband and he was fine with it. He said he use to be strict and is not so much anymore. They need to realize they have consequences that is all there is to it. I said are you sad that she left? And he said she needs to cool down and my daughter has done the same in thing in the past when she was alternating houses, she would fight with me and go to her dad’s. Now I have her full time, we fight and she has to go to her room. It told him the mother will be calling and yelling at him, and he said he knows, he isn’t going to answer the phone.

I am relieved to get my feelings out and that husband stood up for me, I was very shocked. I think we have a long road ahead still. I feel I did the right thing and stood my ground.

*****I forgot to add, she stated over and over again how responsible she was, the party got out of hand and she told everyone to leave...Husband said, you were irresponsible for having the party in the first place, what you did does not make up for it! You told me you were going to be somewhere, you lied to me!****