mamazen's picture

daughter ticked me off...maybe i'm overreacting

Sunday night my DD announces she needs 20$ for a school event, she needs to pay it at the school before 8am Monday morning. She brought the paper home and showed me what is was for, legit fee.. lift ticket for the tubing activity of Tuesday. whatever. I wasn't impressed, because I don't tend to carry cash and had to go to the bank to get it...so I gave her the 20$, took out some cash so I could use it to get Valentines day stuff.

Tuesday morning, she's BEGGING me for more money so she can buy her lunch at the tubing event, and basically threw a shit fit with the drama tears and everything. I was literally halfway out the door when she's doing this, so I just yell at her and toss another 20$ at her, tell her not to spend more than 10$ and to bring me back the change and receipt.

Wednesday, uneventful. I had a discussion with her about Not asking me for ANY more money, she's not entitled to use my cash for her fun, she can babysit, walk a dog, whatever... but that I was done giving her spending money.

Last night, I could have choked her. She first texts me at 7am yesterday asking me if since she has a half day at school, she could go to her friend's house when they get off at noon, then maybe go see a movie in the afternoon. I text back saying I told you not to ask me for any more money.

She texts back that technically she's not asking for more, she's asking to use what was left from Tuesday.

I text her Yeah, leftover money you were supposed to leave on the counter.

She goes You never said to leave it on the counter, you just said to put it in the kitchen.

**ARG**

So I text her back, saying regardless - she's asking to use more of my money after I specifically told her not to ask anymore, and to stop arguing.

She texts back "OK."

at 4pm, I get home... she's not home. I text her, asking where she is...

she says "I already told you mom"

I say "I didn't say you could go, DD. Get home."

she goes "I thought you did. The movie ends at 7, so soon after I will."

I tell her "No. I specifically gave you shit this morning for having asked to use the change from the 20$ from the other day after I told you not to, and for arguing with me. No is no. Get your ass home, no movie."

she says "Well gma was going to pick me up after the movie after, nobody else can pick me up before"

I say "Get your friend's mom to drop you off here when she drives her daughter to the movies"

she responds "ok"

A little later she starts texting about how it's not going to be as fun for her friends without her, she's only buying a ticket, it's no big deal, please, and some BS excuse about how her friend's mom was driving her friend's sister at the moment so she wouldn't ave tme to drop her off before the movie.. so i text back then have her drop you off after having dropped everyone off.

Movie started around 5:15, btw.

5:30 she's still not home.

I basically tell her that because she went ahead and did what I told her not to do, and decided to proceed with her plans I said no to, taking my money, that he rpunishment will be no more outings until the end of the school year.

Now I have her attention... she's mad texting...

I just write back "I hope your disrespect of my authority was worth it. Enjoy the movie."

Then she's off about how I ruined her entire school year.. it's not fair..how could I do this to her...

"You did this to yourself, DD. You decided to go against my decision."

Anyway - I'm not funding any more of her social outings. She can kiss my ass as far as that's concerned...

but... is it too harsh?

(I'm not talking going places with her friends or whatever... I'm just not going to fund any of it.)


monkeyskids's picture

I'm a fan of may the

I'm a fan of may the punishment fit the crime. No activities til the end of the school year does not seem to fit the crime.

How old is she?

mamazen's picture

She'll be 14 soon. It's not

She'll be 14 soon.

It's not so much "no activities til the end of the school year", it's "no activities funded by mom for the rest of the school year"

As in, if she gets a babysitting gig, she can spend her earned money on whatever she likes.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

monkeyskids's picture

Personally I would have gone

Personally I would have gone to the theatre and brought her home, grounded her for a week. She would also have extra chores to pay back the money she used that she was not supposed to.

For a 13 year old to be able to fund her own activities is asking a lot. I did, but that was 30 years ago.

downsouthinTX's picture

i didnt realize she was only

i didnt realize she was only 13 and already trying these games.
i think thats a bit forward and conniving for her age.

but maybe myself at 13 and all the 13 yr olds i know...just didnt behave like that, or attempt to behave like that until they were 15+. (or never)

LadyFace's picture

People still have lawns to be

People still have lawns to be mowed, sidewalks to be shoveled, windows to be washed, etc. Kids can earn money these days, they are just rarely made to do so anymore.

—

Keep on keepin' on!

monkeyskids's picture

And homeowners are being

And homeowners are being sued, people still wash windows?, there's been 2 inches of snow this year, etc.

Yes, kids can still earn money. I had to, my parents couldn't afford it. My kids do not have to, I'd rather they be kids while they can.

LadyFace's picture

I'm not sure how mowing a

I'm not sure how mowing a lawn or two a week during the summer will steal their childhood. Eye-wink

Some neighbor boys have made $100 off me this winter already shoveling our driveway.

—

Keep on keepin' on!

monkeyskids's picture

Nope, a lawn or two a week

Nope, a lawn or two a week for neighbors who need help won't steal their childhood. But when they do it because the neighbor needs help and refuse to take payment, that builds character. Same with the leaves in the gutters in the fall, snow in the winter. When they are 16 they can work their jobs and earn money, until then, I will fund their fun.

moeilijk's picture

?? I don't disagree that

?? I don't disagree that being helpful is important, but so is initiative, industriousness and creativity. I would support my kids helping those in need, but I'd also support them working hard to earn a little extra on their own.

—

---------
~ I've seen a lot of turds in my day, I may be able to identify the mammal of origin. ~ Said taushalove in possibly the most helpfully hilarious post ever.

monkeyskids's picture

I completely agree and would

I completely agree and would support my child if they wanted to do so. What I'm saying is I wouldn't require them to fund their childhood. Does that make sense?

From the time I was 14 I paid for everything from clothes for myself to board for my horse. I did not pay for the roof over my head or food, gas, insurance, car payment, clothes, horse items, horse competitions etc came from the money I earned from working. I don't want my kids to have to do that. 3 of my 4 are all active in sports, I want them to be able to do that as much as they want. If they have to worry about working to pay to go to the movies on Saturday with friends then it cuts into their school and sports.

mamazen's picture

My older kid does that kind

My older kid does that kind of stuff. He makes a decent amount of coin... enough to fund all the things he wants to do, anyway.

The legal working age here is 14, btw. Of course there are some major restrictions as far as when, and for how long, but they can even work at a coffee shop, or a grocery store checkout etc...

my DD has babysat a few times.. has earned some money... she just...it burns a hole in her pocket. She doesn't plan to make the money she needs for an outing, she plans her outings based on the money she has.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

anotherstep2's picture

I personally would tell her

I personally would tell her no outings with friends whether you fund it or not. You specifically told her NOT TO GO. She did anyway. This time it was the movies. What will it be next time? Nip this in the bud now - HARD. You are fortunate that this is your kid. Yeah - she will hate you for a while. Tough toenails. Better that than her blowing off you telling her NOT to go to a particular club in a bad area of town - knowing you will do nothing about it - and having a predictable and bad result. She needs to know that "no means no" and you are not screwing around. It is not the money. It is the parental authority.

downsouthinTX's picture

i agree or at least no

i agree or at least no outings of any kind for a month and no outings funded by you for rest of school year.

frankly when i was given a curfew of say 10pm and i was 30 min late...i would say "well i am already 30 min late. so i will just stay out until 2am." because whether i'm 30 min late or 5 hours late my punishment will be the same"
and it always was.
maybe that was my moms mistake but i knew how the system worked.

some people belive its easier to ask for forgiveness than permission.

also in these kids cases..i would have saved the mad texting and waited until they got home.
and been like "SOOOO how was the movie? was it the best ever? did every one had fun since you went?"
"oh they did? good because your grounded."

and in my home wifi/gadgets is always the first thing to go.

tonieye11's picture

Wow your parents were nice.

Wow your parents were nice. If I was late for curfew I had an hour to get home and there was a grounding. After said hour the deadbolt was locked, we need to find other lodging for the night (typically the front porch) and there was going to be hell to pay in the morning. If I could walk after said infraction (because I'm sure my father would put his foot so far up ...), I'd have nothing left except bare essentials for quite a while. No one's cute with nothing to wear but baggy khaki's, white shirts and Rebok Princesses. Sticking out tongue

monkeyskids's picture

I didn't really have a

I didn't really have a curfew. Some nights I was at work til midnight. My situation was rather unique as I worked more an almost full time job through most of high school and my dad was disabled.

MorriMom's picture

I don't think so, you gave

I don't think so, you gave her ample opportunity to do the right thing and she chose not to.

—

- Qualified resident goose

Stepped in what momma's picture

I think OP's point was that

I think OP's point was that her daughter should have told her she needed the $20 plus lunch money all at once instead of waiting until later to announce that she needed the lunch money and you are wrong, this is the kids fault.

This seems snarky "you are so good at telling others how to raise their kids and you seem to know what you are talking about but then I read this. You don't have your daughter under control at all. You need to get on that."
I'm not even a parent and I know that all parents don't have their kids "UNDER CONTROL" and OP is here asking if the punishment she gave her fits the crime so why not answer her question instead of being condescending.

—

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

mamazen's picture

For the record I didn't

For the record I didn't delete hiddenmoon's post... I wonder what happened?

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

MorriMom's picture

Uh... OP asked "but... is it

Uh... OP asked "but... is it too harsh?" and my response was "I don't think so."

—

- Qualified resident goose

mamazen's picture

there was a post from

there was a post from hiddenmoon after yours, that the replies were attached to.... it's gone. So's her profile.

On top of the quote above "you are so good at telling others how to raise their kids and you seem to know what you are talking about but then I read this. You don't have your daughter under control at all. You need to get on that"

she wrote something about how her kids would never have done that, they know better... and I called her out, because her kdis are what... unborn and toddlers? Cuz they really know better than to ask for money?

Another multiple personality profile, busted? Shocked Shocked Shocked

Didn't see that one coming.... Eye-wink

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

advice.only's picture

Submitted by HIDDENMOON on

Submitted by HIDDENMOON on Fri, 02/17/2017 - 9:34am.

I get hit with the school funds times 4 so I get how annoying that was. That isn't her fault though. I pay for all field trips and outings or what the crap other the school decides to do. I also allow them to buy lunches on those special occasions. I don't think she was asking to much for that. The rest though is forgein to me because my kids know better. You are so good at telling others how to raise their kids and you seem to know what you are talking about but then I read this. Puzzled You don't have your daughter under control at all. You need to get on that.

Sticking out tongue Busted!!!

—

Call me Chardonay

monkeyskids's picture

Now there's nothing by

Now there's nothing by hiddenmoon. Did she leave? Disappear?

Hmmmm, wonder what name she will come back as. Moonbeam? Overthemoon? Moonglow?

Stepped in what momma's picture

Maybe admin caught her.....

Maybe admin caught her..... Puzzled

—

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

advice.only's picture

LOL yeah I'm sure she will be

LOL yeah I'm sure she will be back, I bet she thought she logged in under one of her other names...guess her coffee hadn't kicked in yet.

—

Call me Chardonay

mamazen's picture

one of the other

one of the other personalities will come and comment, don't worry.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

mamazen's picture

....and there we have it.

....and there we have it.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Llilac's picture

I wish she'd take her other

I wish she'd take her other personalities off the board with her. So tired of reading some of the ridiculousness posted here.

mamazen's picture

So... who else has 4 kids in

So... who else has 4 kids in school and tends to get snippy with me?

lol

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Livingoutloud's picture

Her kids are supposedly

Her kids are supposedly toddler and unborn WTF????

mamazen's picture

Hiddenmoon's kids. But she

Hiddenmoon's kids.

But she posted about how she had school fees for 4 kids.

She tripped up... I guess she was trying to post as one of her other screen names but screwed up and posted as hiddenmoon instead. I pointed it out to her... and poof, vanished without a trace...

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

newcstep's picture

Wait wait wasn't Hiddenmoon

Wait wait wasn't Hiddenmoon the one with the SD who was accusing all the men in the family of abuse and so her DH was refusing to be around her? Or was that someone else? I can't seem to find that blog entry now...

advice.only's picture

Yes that was her, family

Yes that was her, family deserted her because her SD accused DH of sexual abuse, HM was pregnant and had a toddler. Last entry she was saying that SD was accusing BM's brother of abuse...so her comment today to MamaZen about having four kids...somebody's caffeine didn't kick in on time for her to catch her blunder.

—

Call me Chardonay

mamazen's picture

Yes. She couldn't get enough

Yes. She couldn't get enough of writing about how her SD talked about the men licking her privates. She had a young kid and an unplanned baby on the way. Not 4 kids in school. Busted. Her profile is gone. Literally a minute after she screwed up.

No worries though, her other personalities are still alive and kicking.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

newcstep's picture

Wow! How confusing! I'm new

Wow! How confusing! I'm new on here, that's gonna be hard to keep track of lol. Are there a lot of fake profiles?

mamazen's picture

You'll figure them out. They

You'll figure them out. They all write the same way, about the same types of topics...and they all band together when one of them gets called out.

Enjoy... lol

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Livingoutloud's picture

Honestly someone needs to be

Honestly someone needs to be totally perverted to make up stuff about children molestation.

granny goose's picture

And that, mamazen, is exactly

And that, mamazen, is exactly why I refused to respond to ANY of Hiddenmoon's posts.

I knew, from the start, that her 'True Confessions' brand of nonsense was exactly that. Some of these recent members are so outrageous that I simply shake my head and move on. It DOES annoy me when earnest and helpful members spend their valuable time attempting to give heartfelt advice to scammers and trolls.

Calling them out, as I have done several times in the past, tends to draw more negativity to myself than exposure to the liars so..... Like today, let them unmask themselves through carelessness and stupidity, thereby providing a learning experience to the gullible.

twoviewpoints's picture

Her 'story' though had pretty

Her 'story' though had pretty much ran it's course. Remember her husband had finally totally dumped the kid, her mother was admitting perhaps she'd been all wrong and life was going to be all sunshine and unicorns where she got rid of skid, kept husband and got her extended family back. It was due time for her to move on and become yet another new identity. She just managed to crash and burn this identity instead of just quietly going into the night. *shrugs*

MorriMom's picture

Oh, I'm sorry lol. I thought

Oh, I'm sorry lol. I thought the post was directed at me! I was so confused >.>

—

- Qualified resident goose

mamazen's picture

I'm not mad at her about the

I'm not mad at her about the school funds.

They usually know better than to ask for money for "special lunches" on those days... usually, the school gives notice that no bagged lunch can be brought or something like that. Her fit annoyed me, but I still gave her 20$, for her to spend 10$ and bring it back to me.

My kids do usually know better than to go against what I say. They ask - if I say no, it's no. This time, it was excuse after excuse and bitching and whining... personally I think her friends were egging her on.

she's usually very much under control, thankyouverymuch. Your kids know better, do they? What are they again.... unborn and toddler? Yes. Because toddlers sure know better than to ask for money. *rolls eyes*

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

downsouthinTX's picture

i agree that the peer

i agree that the peer pressure of being told no is probably what did her over.
to be sitting with friends and saying you can't go and the only one who can't go is embarrassing. which probably prompted her to keep pushing.

monkeyskids's picture

I nix that with mine early.

I nix that with mine early. When I get the text of "mom can I stay out til 9:30" when I've said be home by 9. My response is usually no. If they push and beg I respond with, "Oh, you want to be picked up at 8:30, gotcha, see you then". Their response always, sorry, I'll see you at 9. I tell my kids when they are in the kind of situation where their friends are pressuring, go with us, do this, do that etc. Blame me, I've got big shoulders and don't care if your friends like me or not.

ksmom14's picture

I don't think that's too

I don't think that's too harsh at all, there are plenty of things she can still do with her friends that don't cost money.

This is one of the things that frustrates me most about teens, they're at an age where they know they can twist things and try to manipulate you into the whole "well you didn't specifically say exactly XYZ so I just ASSUMED or THOUGHT" GRRR drives me nutty! You're not stupid, you know what I was saying!

mamazen's picture

exactly. This mama ain't

exactly.

This mama ain't gonna be manipulated... and I KNOW it's a harsh punishment, but it might be very effective.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

downsouthinTX's picture

thats why i hate texting for

thats why i hate texting for these things.

i have seen so many kids try to argue and beg like this. give excuses "suzy jumped off the bridge. if i dont too suzy wont have as much fun" or "suzys mom already bought my theme park ticket"
to that i say "oh well, dumb move on suzys mom. suzy can find another friend to go."

i have even heard of kids telling the friends parents and then the parents funding the trips/events. YEP.
SD17 did just that.
SO told her no more money and when she was invited she told the friend and mom "i cant because my dad wont give me any money"
so the friends mom says she will pay...and sometimes even the friends pay. its really sad. when SO heard about that he blew up on SD17.
hes not poor. our house is much nicer than almost all SD17 friends. SD17 has one of the nicest cars too.
but SD17 failed to tell her friends and her friends parents how shes drains him dry on "funds".
t shirt for school for this, extra project for that, friends birthday party gift for this...

a few months before SD17 got a job he put her on a budget...$50/mo. that included extra bullsh1t, lunch with friends, tickets to school sports games AND gas for her car.
what happened? SD17 started selling stuff she wasn't using. clothes, purses etc. she wanted extra money.
then she got a job.

seeing SD17 do those things...made me think i would set my kids up on an allowance. that they had to earn. but DD14 doesnt want to spend money. she will work for it, but wont spend it.
she will say "$6 to see a movie!? no way not wasting my money on that!"

mamazen's picture

I don't mind dishing out an

I don't mind dishing out an allowance, but not for normal household chores. You want extra money, do something extra.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

LadyFace's picture

From the beginning of that

From the beginning of that exchange it seems clear she is used to arguing with you until you cave. If you want her to respect your authority, mean it when you say No the first time. You gave her money after you said No. She went to the movie after you said No because she's learned your Nos don't mean much.

You argued with her. No is a complete sentence.

—

Keep on keepin' on!

mamazen's picture

I never said no to giving her

I never said no to giving her the money... I was just annoyed because I was halfway out the door when she started on about how she wanted it for lunch... I just told her not to spend more than 10$. Sorry that wasn't clear.

She doesn't usually go against my authority like this. They fully know my No's mean something. I never really had the temper throwing kids that knew they could reach my limits by having a fit... I'd stand there and watch them smack the floor til they were done, and carry on. They generally know better than to even bother asking, sometimes.

I did argue with her - that movie fiasco was the first time she threw the dramatic teenager antics at me... not really sure how to handle it.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

LadyFace's picture

The pure angst can leave us

The pure angst can leave us stunned. Lol

Next time... And there will be one! Don't respond to her begging and hysterics. Tell her no. If she argues, tell her you are on your way to pick her up. Pick her up. Don't argue. Just do. Eye-wink

—

Keep on keepin' on!

ESMOD's picture

TBH, unless you are near

TBH, unless you are near destitute, paying for a school trip and then lunch on that trip is not an out of line request from her.

The trying to trick you out of the movie money.. more so an issue for me.

I might have told her initially that she could use the money she had with her, but that she needed to pay you back when she got home from "savings". Or payback within a certain amt of time.

Now, I would assign her chores to get your pound of flesh from her for the 10 bucks she was supposed to give you back. I would ground her for a weekend for disobeying and going to the movie against your wishes.

mamazen's picture

the school trip thing didn't

the school trip thing didn't bug me, in and of itself.

I couldn't drive. There's 12 feet of snow everywhere. It was after bank hours, I had to get to the bank. It was inconvenient.

The lunch thing bothered me a bit, because it wasn't one of those school trips where you have to buy one. She just didn't want to cart around a bagged lunch, or wanted to be cool with her friends, or whatever. I don't mind spending the money, but I try and teach the kids not to spend in a way that screams "keeping up with the Jones".

It's not so much that she used the money to go see a movie.. .it's that she went ahead with it even after asking and me saying no. She had ample opportunity to come home, she didn't. (I forgot to mention she'd also used another 3$ of the cash to buy herself a slice of pizza after school instead of having home lunch...)

It's just 10$. Sure.

But it's the defiance, the disrespect... she's not usually like that.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

DaizyDuke's picture

Will you actually follow

Will you actually follow through with no outings with friends for the next 3-4 months though? Or will you cave?

I don't think it's harsh at all. To be honest, I would have drove my happy ass right over to the friends house and snatched her out of there and embarrassed the shit out of her.... no fucking way would she go and tee hee ha ha at a movie with her little friends after I specifically said no. This is the kind of shit that SD would do to DH and it drove me nuts.

—

ღIt' all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I wish I was as thin as my patience ツ

Stepped in what momma's picture

I agree with DD, I know my

I agree with DD, I know my mom would have shown up somewhere and jerked my as* right on out of the movie.

—

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

princessmofo's picture

Yep! I would've made a

Yep! I would've made a production out of dragging her a$$ out of the movie in front of her peers.

—

"Sometimes I think of something so inappropriate and wrong that my little black heart skips a beat with delight."

LadyFace's picture

I was thinking the same thing

I was thinking the same thing Daizy. There would have been no texting back and forth like that. I would have snatched her up and read her the riot act for being a disobedient turd muncher.

—

Keep on keepin' on!

mamazen's picture

I would have, if I had access

I would have, if I had access to a vehicle at the time.

I've done that kind of thing before, when the kids were younger... I've gotten them from friends' houses, parks, wherever... I'd just show up, raise an eyebrow, they skedaddled my way with their tail between their legs, pronto.

I did read her the riot act when she got home, no worries. She was a very meek little girl last night and this morning. She knows she's in it deep.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

LadyFace's picture

Ah, did she know you didn't

Ah, did she know you didn't have a car at the time? Little weasle!! All kids try to see what they can get away with at this age. We just have to show them that it won't be much! Eye-wink

—

Keep on keepin' on!

mamazen's picture

weasel for sure.

weasel for sure. Eye-wink

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

mamazen's picture

Oh yes. I follow through.

Oh yes. I follow through. Always.

There are rare occasions where I'll say something like... Hey you've been so well behaved and/or you really put effort into this/that... so how about I knock off a few days..

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Stepped in what momma's picture

I think you are dead on, and

I think you are dead on, and that the punishment is correct. She totally played you out to a T and she needs to be put in check. Remind her that you didn't do this to her, she did this to herself when she disobeyed your wishes. SHE ruined the rest of her school year and all because of a movie.

—

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

Lashy's picture

Yes and do not back down. You

Yes and do not back down. You said it so now you need to enforce it otherwise you are a weenie mom she can ignore and she can do what she wants cause weenie mom won't stick to her punishments. Don't be a weenie mom.

BethAnne's picture

That escalated quickly.

That escalated quickly.

mamazen's picture

well yes, because that was

well yes, because that was the short version... lol

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

advice.only's picture

I agree with a lot of the

I agree with a lot of the posters you should have just picked her up at the movies...not only is this punishment, but I bet she didn't tell her friends the truth that she wasn't allowed to go, so getting picked up and having to tell her friends the truth would probably sting as well. ETA I agree grounding her from outings (not school related) for a month would be sufficient.

Personally my kids get an allowance, school is their "job" in my opinion and if they are doing well and keeping grades up, as well as doing chores around the house they will continue to get that allowance. I know a lot of people won't agree, but for me it works. Honestly they will work for the rest of their lives, at this age they should be allowed to have some fun.

—

Call me Chardonay

mamazen's picture

I would have, had I been able

I would have, had I been able to. It just wasn't an option.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Monchichi's picture

Immaterial of what we think

Immaterial of what we think you are going to have to follow through on the consequence you have communicated to her.

—

RUBM - rusty uterus birth mother

mamazen's picture

Yep, I know that. She'll no

Yep, I know that.

She'll no doubt try to negotiate a "more fair" punishment... just wondering whether I should entertain the idea of letting her.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

twoviewpoints's picture

Well, Mama, she showed you

Well, Mama, she showed you who is boss Jawdropping!

I 'get' the school trip event thing. Here when info/permission slip comes home it states day, price for event, where lunch will be eaten, suggested amount for lunch and suggested amount for extras (extras are optional, like gift shop available or the like). If kiddo has handed me the slip when she gets it, no problem. Kid gets the required amount, the suggested cash for lunch stop. Fine with me. The optional suggested expenses are discussed. Either accepted, declined or kiddo can use her own money. Sometimes we work out a way for her to earn that part.

The movie? OMG! DD knows better than to ever try that stunt. If she did, yes I would have arrived at movie and removed her. There is no doubt in her mind that yes, I would actually do that (probably why she's never tried such a stunt Smiling )

Consequences in my home do fit the 'crime'. I don't believe in overkill on the consequence. In the case you presented, punishment would be the kid she pulled the stunt with. If his other teen has such an influence of defiance on DD, well, I guess DD would be banned from that particular BFF for a while. On top of that she'd be spending her long weekend earning back the money she was told not to spend (kids here have been off since yesterday at 11:15am and will be until Tuesday morning when school is in session again). Then there would be the consequence for talking to her mother (me) in the manner she did. Three 'crimes' , three punishments. So final consequence would be loss of phone for the week. For a teen who texts like crazy with her friends, this one would be the biggie. Poor brat would be in complete withdrawals.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Let me tell you what my

Let me tell you what my special snowflake did. She charged about $50 on minecraft app on my debit card this week. She's 7.

The week started out with two $2 charges on my debit card from Apple. I have my 9 year old's ipad on lockdown. I have to approve any and all app purchases. It alerts me on my phone. It did until my phone took a dunk. My mom gave me her iphone 6 and I went and had it turned on to Verizon. but my apple ID was signed onto the phone yet and I was having a hard time getting my mom's off. It wouldn't let me sign out. SO I accuse my 9 year of doing it. She said nope it was special snowflake and she told her not to do it on my ipad but she did it anyway. I said don't do it again but I can fix the parental controls and she did it again but this time to the tune of $50.

mamazen's picture

Yuck. I'd be livid!

Yuck. I'd be livid!

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Tarabithashiqua's picture

YSS did this, only he added

YSS did this, only he added another zero for a grand total of $500!

—

Honesty without compassion is hostility

Cocktail..Hour..Please's picture

If my kids did that, they

If my kids did that, they would be in so much trouble. I absolutely would've gone to the movies and picked up my kid. No way would I let them get away with trying to manipulate me.

—

smash a pineapple, smash some mint, boil some sugar in water, find some really good vodka, add some club soda....and there ya go. How to get thru step life.

Lashy's picture

Why didn't you go and pick

Why didn't you go and pick her up when she disobeyed you and why did you cave and throw $20 at her. No means no and you have to be firm. Your dd doesn't respect you and that needs to change. She needs to know you mean business. Going down and dragging her out of the movies is what most parents would have done.

Cocktail..Hour..Please's picture

^^^^^^^true

^^^^^^^true

—

smash a pineapple, smash some mint, boil some sugar in water, find some really good vodka, add some club soda....and there ya go. How to get thru step life.

mamazen's picture

Like I have previously posted

Like I have previously posted on this thread, I didn't have a car available at the time, or I would have.

I didn't "cave and throw 20$ at her", she began asking me just as I was heading out the door. I didn't want to get into the where's the form, why didn't you tell me before, why are you doing this last minute talk, because I was leaving for work.

I told her to only spend 10$. I didn't have any 10$ bills.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Lashy's picture

When you talked to the other

When you talked to the other girls mom what did she say when you told her dd needed to come home? Did you explain you don't have a car and dd is not allowed to go? This mom must have balls of steel to not honor your wishes. Dd should not be allowed to hang with this friend anymore since her mom doesn't honor your parenting of your child. I hate parents like that.

mamazen's picture

I didn't talk to the other

I didn't talk to the other girl's mom.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

moeilijk's picture

Are you (your family) usually

Are you (your family) usually disorganized? If this was a typical sequence of events up until the movie thing, then I'd say... you've got an upward battle on your hands if your plan is to manage your DD via text while giving her money and independence but expecting her not to use it.

If you're usually organized - then she wouldn't have gone on the trip since you didn't find out about with enough time to prepared, and none of this nonsense would have happened.

—

---------
~ I've seen a lot of turds in my day, I may be able to identify the mammal of origin. ~ Said taushalove in possibly the most helpfully hilarious post ever.

mamazen's picture

No, I run a pretty tight ship

No, I run a pretty tight ship generally. It wasn't typical behavior for her, at all. She's usually pretty obedient, and not usually dramatic like she was being.

I didn't give her money to use freely and independently. She decided to use leftover money from the extra 20$ bill I'd given her previously for lunch money during the trip (having told her to only spend 10$ of it, knowing she had to give the other 10$ back to me), despite my having told her not to.

The trip was already planned, and doesn't really have much to do with how she disobeyed about the movies... it was more to give a bit of context about how she ended up with the cash to begin with...

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

moeilijk's picture

I understood your post and

I understood your post and the additional information provided in your comments. I understand that you think you are completely right and that your daughter behaved 'wrong.' But life is usually more nuanced and the more you can see how you set your daughter up to 'fail,' the more you can change the story to set her up to succeed.

If your home and family is usually organized, then you knew about and had time to make sure she had the $20 for the trip. Or else she couldn't go when coming to you Sunday night needing something for Monday morning.

If your home and family is usually organized, and you had somehow dropped the ball on this one so squeezed in getting the $20 for her for her trip, then you had just seen the paperwork and knew that she would need more money for lunch or that you or she would be making a lunch for her to bring. That could have been decided Sunday night or Monday, and you wouldn't have given her more money than you wanted to Tuesday morning.

This all happened Thursday afternoon. You gave her money, told her not to spend it, and then waited a few days for her to meet temptation. Not a strategy that I would choose.

—

---------
~ I've seen a lot of turds in my day, I may be able to identify the mammal of origin. ~ Said taushalove in possibly the most helpfully hilarious post ever.

mamazen's picture

How did I set her up to

How did I set her up to fail?

forgetting about organization of the tubing event and the extra 20$ for a second... regardless of whether it was last minute or not, it still would have happened. She would have had the money on Sunday, or earlier, rather than the morning of.

To her credit, she did listen, when I told her not to spend more than 10$. She had 10$ and about 90 cents leftover. She usually does the same thing with other money. If I give her a bigger bill and tell her not to spend more than X, she doesn't. She brings back what I've asked her to. She put it in a little bowl I keep in the kitchen for spare change, on Tuesday night. The kids don't usually touch this bowl, not without asking... like if they need to take the city bus or something, they ask if they can take 3.45 or something like that, or if they can have 2$ and get an extra snack or something when they go to a friend's house. They don't just "take, and they certainly don't just "take" after I've said no.

We talked on Wednesday night about how she needs to start trying to earn her own for extra fun stuff, because I wasn't going to pay for it anymore.

She'd already left the money in the kitchen. It's not like she had it on her the entire time. She blatantly took it, Thursday morning, after I'd told her that we'd already talked about the money thing. I leave for work at 6am. She leaves at 7:30. She asked at 7, I said no. She took it with her anyway.

She took it Thursday morning.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

moeilijk's picture

"She'd already left the money

"She'd already left the money in the kitchen. It's not like she had it on her the entire time. She blatantly took it, Thursday morning, after I'd told her that we'd already talked about the money thing. I leave for work at 6am. She leaves at 7:30. She asked at 7, I said no. She took it with her anyway."

^^^^This was new information for me. Game changer.

I would have handled how the situation escalated via text etc differently, including but not limited to calling the friend, the friend's mother, and the movie theatre to instruct them that DD needs to put in a cab and sent home NOW, but a severe consequence is absolutely the correct course of action.

The only thing is, what you've chosen (no more school activities paid for by you this year) isn't that great of a punishment. There'll be what, 5 things? So maybe 15 hours of 'missing out'? Over the course of 5 months? It's not adding something uncomfortable or taking away something pleasant, so in terms of demotivating the behaviour that got her into this situation, it's not going to be very effective.

I am actually getting upset thinking about how I would deal with this if it happened one day with my own kid. I get it from the kid's point of view - they want more freedom, more independence, they feel like it's the parents who are putting unnecessary blockades to their fun life with their friends. Or they are feeling like no one listens anyway, so they'll go behind backs to get what they want. Or that they don't understand how precious they are to us, and how necessary trust and respect is to have happy and successful relationships.

If this should happen with me and DD, straight home from school with no electronics or other contact with friends outside of school until I had calmed down enough to talk about it, or a week. If I needed to hire an older kid to walk her home from school and call me at 3.30pm to say, "Yup, she just went in your front door," I would.

I would give her a list of virtues and ask her to write a letter to me (or have a conversation with me) explaining how she failed to show each virtue in what happened on Thursday, if she thinks she otherwise shows them, and how she plans to either demonstrate to me that she has those qualities or how she might build those qualities. I would choose at least 2, but not more than 5, that I thought applicable. I would specifically look at The Virtues Project on Facebook as they are very specific about what a particular virtue is and how people show them.

I would tell her that I was really angry, and really sad, about the choices she made, and that I would like to find a way to start fresh, to repair the harm and broken trust. I'd ask her to think about what she could do to mend the harm - I'd have to list the harm for her, so she understands. The money she took, the time and energy I spent worrying and texting at work instead of at my job so my colleagues had to cover for me, my sadness that her behaviour didn't show love or appreciation for me, my anger that my trust in her was broken. I would explain that my love and loyalty to her hasn't changed, would never change, but if I felt I couldn't trust her, our relationship would change in a way that neither one of us would like.

Examples of appropriate amends would include: finding a way to earn the $10 to return to me, baking cookies or similar for me to bring to work to share with colleagues, finding three special things to do for me such as taking on tasks I usually do, making a special meal for me, or writing me a letter of appreciation.

I would tell her I was proud of her when she takes positive steps, but I would really wait until I felt better about it before I would give her the freedom to be on the phone or internet or hang out with her friends.

And she'd have to suffer with how intense I am about it. Easier to just not take the $10 next time.

—

---------
~ I've seen a lot of turds in my day, I may be able to identify the mammal of origin. ~ Said taushalove in possibly the most helpfully hilarious post ever.

mamazen's picture

The only thing is, what

The only thing is, what you've chosen (no more school activities paid for by you this year) isn't that great of a punishment. There'll be what, 5 things? So maybe 15 hours of 'missing out'? Over the course of 5 months? It's not adding something uncomfortable or taking away something pleasant, so in terms of demotivating the behaviour that got her into this situation, it's not going to be very effective.

not exactly - not school activities.... she can do those.
No outings with friends which require funds from my wallet. As in movies, fast food, treats... That's generally once or twice a week.

If I learn that her friends/friends parents are paying, I'll deal with it when it happens... but usually if she's not planning on staying where I think she is, she lets me know, even if it's just taking a quick walk to the corner store.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Lashy's picture

You don't have to do all that

You don't have to do all that you just have to put the fear of God in them at an early age.

moeilijk's picture

"You don't have to do all

"You don't have to do all that you just have to put the fear of God in them at an early age."

I think that would be lazy parenting. I don't see the value in frightening my child. Fear just pushes unwanted behaviour undergroud.

Teaching values and developing character is a huge investment of time and energy, but my child, just like everyone else's, is the future... and the future needs good people.

—

---------
~ I've seen a lot of turds in my day, I may be able to identify the mammal of origin. ~ Said taushalove in possibly the most helpfully hilarious post ever.

FruitSalad704's picture

As much as I hate to say it,

As much as I hate to say it, I kind of understand what Lashy is saying. My mom was tough on her kids, but she could also be very loving and our biggest supporter. Her kids understood, though, disobeying her could have dire consequences. She was overall very fair in how she treated us. We never doubted, though, if she threatened to come drag us out of a movie theater (or anywhere else) she meant it. She never did, but that's because we believed her when she said she would. We KNEW she would do it.

My mom and dad ended up with 3 kids who are productive members of society, have an appreciation of family, and believe in honor and integrity. They could have done a lot worse.

—

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy shit for some whiskey and bacon.

Lashy's picture

This is exactly what I mean.

This is exactly what I mean. I've never spanked my children but they know I mean what I say. If I say no I mean NO! Don't push me because you won't like the outcome.

mamazen's picture

I think Moe is adding on that

I think Moe is adding on that sometimes, taking the time to delve deeper into the other side...the moral aspects if it all... Ina positive discussion type of way... can help do "more" for the kid in the long run.

The kid will understand WHY they shouldn't do whatever, instead of just that they shouldn't because they're terrified of their parents reaction.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

moeilijk's picture

Yes. It doesn't frighten a

Yes. It doesn't frighten a kid to know that you are consistent and will follow-through with what you say. In fact, it reassures them.

Discipline that only works because you're bigger or can hurt them worse... only works because you're bigger or can hurt them worse. I had parents that used that strategy - humiliation, ridicule, ostracization. Sure, it worked, I complied... and left when I was 17, and spent most of the next decade in therapy, figuring out how to be a friend, be in a relationship, be happy.

Right now, my DD is 3, so that's a totally different story than a teenager. Of course I pick her up or physically remove her from harm if needed, or restrain her etc. But usually she cooperates with any discipline because she's clear on what is not allowed, and what the consequence will be.

I just found this approach is so much more peaceful than engaging in conflicts. I ask DD to assist me with acts of service I do for my neighbours or my community, I teach her that she is treasured and adored, I point out her wonderful qualities as I see them... and I ask her to make changes when she's a pain in the a$$. I think she's a great kid and is on track to becoming a great adult one day. But we talk about personal qualities and virtues all the time, so that she can develop self-confidence.

—

---------
~ I've seen a lot of turds in my day, I may be able to identify the mammal of origin. ~ Said taushalove in possibly the most helpfully hilarious post ever.

robin333's picture

If you said it, you have to

If you said it, you have to uphold. Yes it's harsh but that might nip this behavior in the bud. The only thing worse than a harsh punishment is not following through with it.

If you are going to bend on it, start a discussion with her along the lines of "I've been thinking that I might have made a decision in the heat of the moment...". But if you do this, do it NOW and you need to bring it up first. That way, it's still your decision with a lesson for her that some decisions should be delayed.

—

"I've seen dogs with better manners." Aniki

"A healthy future depends on having productive members of society - not basement dwellers." Notasm3

RosaluOsliar's picture

My mother would have DRAGGED

My mother would have DRAGGED me out of the move theater. She would have also told me no tubing or whatever on Tuesday, even if it was a school event.

I think you handled this whole situation poorly, and now you're overcompensating. Don't get me wrong, your daughter was VERY wrong and is VERY in need of punishment. But, to me, this isn't even really a punishment.

You've shown her that if she throws a fit enough, you'll toss money at her to shut her up.

You've shown her that if she does whatever she wants to, you won't actually stop her.

You're plan is to show her that she can still do and say whatever she wants and still get to hang out with her friends - she just can't spend any money with them, which is easily remedied by one of her friends or another parent buying for her.

She isn't getting punished, she's just getting a few unpleasant barriers. Make her work to pay back all $40 doing things around the house. Ground her from everything - friends, computer, phone, whatever - for a week. THEN tell her that you're no longer funding anything of hers that isn't directly school-related.

She's 13. She needs to know that you will have rules and enforce them. So far, you're not doing much. Sorry if that's harsh, but that's the way I see this entire thing.

mamazen's picture

How could I stop her from

How could I stop her from going to the tubing even if it already happened? lol

I gave her lunch money when she asked for it. I never actually said no to it... but I did ask her why she was asking me last minute, why didn't she tell me earlier, why can't she take a bagged lunch... etc... but I had to leave, so I gave her the cash, because after she started with the pleeeeease mommy can I just have it.. I'm going to be the only loser with a sandwich bit... I had had enough of her antics, and needed to leave. Maybe I shouldn't have given it to her, but oh well.

What you said is not harsh - I may have handled the movie thing, that's why I was asking if the punishment was too harsh.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

RosaluOsliar's picture

My mother wouldn't have given

My mother wouldn't have given me money on Sunday night for a trip the following Tuesday. Nope, nope, nope. Not if I waited that damn long to tell her about it. THAT'S my point.

And the punishment isn't too harsh. My point is that you haven't actually punished her. And she has ZERO reason to think that you won't have in the future and just give her cash.

She waited until the last minute to ask because, in less than a week, it has worked twice in her favor. She now knows that if you go to the bank, she's going to get $20. She knows that you'll tell her to only spend half and demand the other back but not actually do anything to get the money back. She now has a system for getting cash from you and being able to spend it without anything more than angry text messages. She doesn't think you will actually do anything to her - so she's going to keep doing this scheme over and over again because so far it's working.

mamazen's picture

Oh I see. Regardless of when

Oh I see.

Regardless of when I'd have given her the money, be it Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, or 2 weeks earlier... she'd still have had the money.

She had put the money back. It was left in the kitchen, like I'd asked.

She TOOK it Thursday. After I'd already left for work. I only "found out" she'd taken it when I got home Thursday and she wasn't home.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

FruitSalad704's picture

I think you handled it great,

I think you handled it great, zen. The only thing I personally would have done differently is actually dial her number and TALK instead of doing all that texting crap. It's a lot quicker and she could also hear the tone of your voice. I'm not a big believer in the constant texting, though it has its place at times.

You absolutely need to follow through on the punishment. The last thing teenagers need to find out is their parents will make idle threats.

Mama Fruity absolutely would have come to the movie theater, embarrassed the shit out of me in front of my friends, and dragged my disrespectful ass out of there. Once we got, then she really would have let loose. My mom didn't play when came to her kids disobeying her. She'd make us regret the day we were born. Actually, she'd make us regret being conceived.

—

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy shit for some whiskey and bacon.

mamazen's picture

If she'd answer her damn

If she'd answer her damn phone... lol

I'm definitely going to follow through on the punishment, no worries there. It's 50/50 on whether it's too harsh or not, so I'm going to go with it and not back off a little.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

FruitSalad704's picture

Ah. I completely forget how

Ah. I completely forget how teenagers these days don't know how to talk on a phone. It's all the texting crap.

I honestly don't think the punishment is too harsh given how she blatantly disobeyed you. Till the day my mom left this earth, if she told me to do something, I did it. Of course, I was terrified of her, but still....

—

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy shit for some whiskey and bacon.

mamazen's picture

Same with my parents. There

Same with my parents. There was respect.

She will have a tough tough weekend. I've put together a shit list of chores for her.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Lashy's picture

I don't understand why you

I don't understand why you just didn't call the mom who was driving and ask her to drop dd at home as she was not allowed to go.

mamazen's picture

not everything in my world is

not everything in my world is as black and white as it is in yours

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Lashy's picture

I wouldn't say black and

I wouldn't say black and white as much as a logical next step. If you aren't there and your kid isn't listening than contact the adult you trusted her with, to me that is common sense. Oh well, at least she wasn't one of those poor girls from Indiana that lost their lives this week on a hike. Sad So sad! I hope they catch that bastard.

mamazen's picture

if you would have read what I

if you would have read what I wrote instead of making assumptions, you would have seen that:

She said ok when I told her to get her friend's mom to drop her off before she drives the others to the movies. I figured it was a done deal.

Shortly after, she lets me know her friend's mom was driving the sister so wouldn't have time to drop her off before the movie. I told her to get dropped off after. Again, figured it was a done deal.

When she still wasn't home shortly after the movie started, I knew she hadn't talked to the mom about dropping her off on the way back.

Even if I HAD called the mom at that point... I wouldn't have expected her to go BACK to the movies and pick up my daughter. That would just have been rude. I'm not going to hold the mom accountable for my DD's irresponsibility and disrespect - not all 13/14 year olds need to be helicoptered by their parent 24/7, and I generally trust that when I tell my daughter to do something, she does it - that if there's an issue, they'll let me know. She let me know the first time the mom couldn't drop her off before the show. She didn't let me know there was an issue with being dropped off after the others got dropped off at the movie... which means one of two things:

1) there was no issue, and she would be dropped off at my home on the mom's way back
2) she didn't even bother asking the mom. That's another notch on the shit list in her favor

Unfortunately for DD, she did not choose to come home when she could have.

As to the girls in Indiana... yes tragic... but honestly, it's apples and oranges with respect to this post.

The text in my OP is below.

I say "Get your friend's mom to drop you off here when she drives her daughter to the movies"

she responds "ok"

A little later she starts texting about how it's not going to be as fun for her friends without her, she's only buying a ticket, it's no big deal, please, and some BS excuse about how her friend's mom was driving her friend's sister at the moment so she wouldn't ave tme to drop her off before the movie.. so i text back then have her drop you off after having dropped everyone off.

Movie started around 5:15, btw.

5:30 she's still not home.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Lashy's picture

I would have called the mom

I would have called the mom and made sure she knew I wanted my dd dropped off. You call it helicoptering but I call it parenting. As for the Indiana girls, I wasn't comparing them I was saying it could always be worse. Your kid disobeyed but she is home where as those poor girls....

advice.only's picture

So glad your coffee kicked in

So glad your coffee kicked in your HIDDENMOON was showing earlier.

—

Call me Chardonay

Lashy's picture

What?

What?

sully's picture

You didn't praise her so she

You didn't praise her so she is calling you a troll. Don't let it get to you she LITERALLY does it to everyone.

Lashy's picture

I've read that but why call

I've read that but why call me hiddenmoon?

sully's picture

Who knows but she gets really

Who knows but she gets really upset when you challenge her.

Lashy's picture

I bet she got crazy eyes!

I bet she got crazy eyes!

sully's picture

Lol

Lol

mamazen's picture

Your personalities are

Your personalities are confusing you. I didn't do any calling out this time, Sully sweetheart

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

sully's picture

You just logged into your

You just logged into your other account to do it. We aren't stupid. Just wait 10 minutes and then log in as fruitsalad. Lol!! You gave a tell dear.

mamazen's picture

*sigh* Sounds good

*sigh*

Sounds good

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

FruitSalad704's picture

Sweetbabyprecious, you have a

Sweetbabyprecious, you have a tell, too. You are bat guano bonkers. That's YOUR tell.

—

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy shit for some whiskey and bacon.

mamazen's picture

I hate to admit it, but I'm

I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to like you.

Cool

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

mamazen's picture

Advice.only is usually pretty

Advice.only is usually pretty bang on when she calls someone out...

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

sully's picture

You need your meds...

You need your meds...

mamazen's picture

*sigh* Sounds good

*sigh*

Sounds good

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

FruitSalad704's picture

What the hell is wrong with

What the hell is wrong with you? Have you considered mood stabilizers? They would probably do you a world of good. Of course, I'm giving you credit for being a full-fledged adult - I highly doubt you are.

Now go back to packing up your things so you can move back in with your DH - the man you cheated on - and his kids. I'm sure they will be thrilled to have you making them all miserable again.

—

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy shit for some whiskey and bacon.

mamazen's picture

She can take a brick to lashy

She can take a brick to lashy out at her dh under the hidden moon's light

Trutherfully, the cherry on the pie is really the black hole her blue dress will leave behind... Doesn't she know it was her biggest fan?

Jibberish.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

sanecatlady's picture

(No subject)

Laughing out loud

sanecatlady's picture

Why are there some boards the

Why are there some boards the fake folks just flock to?

Mamazen, I wouldn't have been allowed out of the house if I had done that to my mother. And that Young of an age too!

Who's to say what parenting method is right or wrong. I think what you did is fair. No more money from YOU, but if she wants to go somewhere and needs money, she can do chores, etc.

HeavenLike's picture

My daughter has pulled stuff

My daughter has pulled stuff like this a time or two. I do not think you are being harsh in refusing to fund activities. Maybe end of school year is long, heck one month will seem like forever. Maybe let her earn it back gradually after a month.

Yes, my kid irritates me that she expects me to fund her social life every weekend. GAH.

Cooooookies's picture

I don't think it's harsh but

I don't think it's harsh but I also had to work and pay rent when I was 15. If I got bad grades, I was grounded from report card to report card...which was 9.5 weeks. My parents never caved. And all of it has taught me responsibility. I don't regret a moment. I knew to respect authority, work hard, save money, etc.

If she's clever enough to be a smart a$$ and argue, she's clever enough to get the punishment too. Working little jobs for extra cash will only teach her responsibility and the value of money. You're doing good Mama Smiling

—

Disney dads are never going to hold their kids accountable ~CompletelyPuzzled

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

At 13, I had an allowance.

At 13, I had an allowance. Does DD have an allowance that she could spend on whatever she wants (or save up, if she is so inclined.)? My mom said the reason she gave us an allowance (without terms or punishments confined to it, as in it's not worked for) was because she wanted us to learn how to spend money wisely, and that's not done through just being told about it, but being able to practice and make mistakes.

Both myself and my sister had out "fun" in spending small amounts as kids because of this, learned lessons from regretting buying things we didn't really need or want, so now as adults, we don't feel any need to get "fun" out of spending where the financial consequences could be much larger.

The issue is more that she didn't listen and give the money back (this is a huge red flag for a future of "ask for forgiveness later" and trying to push boundaries). I would have her grounded for a week and have a sit down meeting about why that's not okay and the consequences of not keeping one's word.

mamazen's picture

No, DD doesn't have an

No, DD doesn't have an allowance. I never had one either, but I moved out young so had my own money.

All the kids babysit SS the odd time for a little while, while we get groceries or something... I'm trying to teach the kids that you don't profit off family... so they don't usually get paid for it, although they'll get something in return. Usually they'll have the choice of being taken out for breakfast or lunch, being given a movie pass, a new book, something...

They can earn money, however, by doing extra things around the house. Not regular daily/weekly chores - I'm talking something outside the ordinary housecleaning ritual... my son once took a toothbrush to the grout between the tiles in the kitchen... he spent 3 hours scrubbing it... It didn't really do much, lol, but I gave him 15$.

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

bluedress's picture

Why do you care she went to

Why do you care she went to the movies? You put her in danger everyday by moving a stranger in cause you need sex. Smdh.

Acratopotes's picture

this is uncalled for and I

this is uncalled for and I flagged you, if you have nothing nice to say, scroll past and do not comment.

—

When you are dead, you don't know that you're dead. All of the pain is felt by others...

The same thing happens when you are stupid

mamazen's picture

thank you

thank you

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

granny goose's picture

Two flags, mamazen. The

Two flags, mamazen. The poster was way out of line.

mamazen's picture

Thank you

Thank you

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Livingoutloud's picture

Honestly I see it very

Honestly I see it very differently.

Since there are no allowances and she is too young to obtain a job, I don't think it's s big deal to give her money especially since it was not much at all. Now I would talk to her about informing me ahead of time. But other then that I don't really know what you punish here for. I wouldn't. I am against punitive parenting. Not my style. Do have a conversation with her though or maybe give allowance that she needs to be careful with.

Now if she asked for 300 every week then it's nuts but 20 bucks and money for lunch is not a big deal.

It's just my opinion of course.

mamazen's picture

That's fair - but what would

That's fair - but what would you do if she asked for money for an outing, both of which you said no to, and she went ahead and took the money and went to the outing anyway?

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha

Livingoutloud's picture

Unless outing is outrageously

Unless outing is outrageously unreasonably expensive or for whatever reason I am destitute, I simply wouldn't say no. I don't see the big deal. I observe a lot of punitive parenting on this site yet people have all kind of issues with their kids. Amount of punishment isn't going to produce successful adults. Sometimes less harshness and less punishments go the long way.

mamazen's picture

I totally get your point. But

I totally get your point.

But if you had said no?

—

The root of suffering is attachment.
~ Buddha