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What to do with an unlikeable step-child?

Loxy's picture

I know that not liking your step-children is common, however there are many things about my situation that are not similar to most other stories on step-parenting forums.

Firstly, I’ve raised my step-kids (50/50 custody with their BM) since they were in nappies so both my SD12 and SS10 view me as their third parent. There is no resentment on their side or resistance to my parenting and they love me as they love their parents. Further, my DH is wonderful and has never made me feel like a second priority to his kids (I would have left if he did) and always backs me as a parent.

The issue I have is with my SD12 - I just can’t stand her. She’s one of those kids that just sucks the life out of you because she’s so difficult and only someone with that biological bond could love her.

SD has a range of undiagnosed issues going on which is another long story in itself, suffice to say it remains ongoing and untreated because we can’t reach agreement with BM on getting her professional help. These issues result in extremely irritating and challenging behaviour on a daily basis. On top of this, everything else about her personality just clashes so fundamentally with my values and I can’t find a single thing we have in common or a single thing I like about her.

She’s lazy, selfish, destructive, disrespectful and untrustworthy. She also lies constantly and has zero empathy. In short, she’s just not a likeable child and really, really pushes my buttons.

The issues with SD are not localised to, or targeted at me, all her teachers have had issues and BM and DH also really struggle with her but they at least have the biological bond to get them through.

Aside from the weekly struggle of dealing with a kid I don’t like, I’m feeling more and more worried and guilty about the impact my feelings are having on her as I’m failing to hide it.

SD really loves me and tells me all the time. She also gravitates more towards me that DH most of the time. This makes me feel so guilty as I don’t want to be anywhere near her. In my normal life I pride myself on my honesty and so I constantly feel sick about the fact that I lie to her every week by telling her I love her when I don’t. But what can I do when she tells me she loves me - I can hardly tell her the truth?

Lately, SD has been accusing me a LOT of favouring SS10 and I feel enormous guilt over that as well because it’s completely true. SS is a gorgeous kid for the most part and we get along really well.

I may not like SD but I still want the best for her and I still hold out hope that she will outgrow some of these horrible behaviours and personality traits. As a result, I’m really worried about the impact I’m having on SD's self-esteem but I also feel powerless to change it because you can't make yourself like someone you just don't like.

Has anyone been in a similar position? I really need help and advice!

Loxy's picture

Granny goose, you’re right that I’m luckier than most in that my step-daughter loves me and I probably need to focus more on that point when I’m in my darkest moments.

However, finding that thing I like about her and/or a shared interest is something I’ve been trying to do for a long time but it remains elusive. She’s artistic, a homebody and a real princess (girly girl) and I’m the complete opposite. As a result, she loves all the things I hate (ie arts and crafts, shopping, painting toe nails, baking etc) and she hates all the things I love like going on holidays, swimming, fun parks, beach etc.

I also really enjoy puzzles, board games and reading – all things she doesn’t have the patience for given her ADD issues. And I can’t even have any good conversations with her either (also somewhat due to her ADD as she’s all over the shop) but also because she’s not interested (and is completely unashamed about the fact) in listening to others. She only wants people to listen to her and 95% of what she says (and that’s truly not an exaggeration) is either at worst complete lies or at best a gross exaggeration of the truth. And for someone who likes real facts, honesty and genuine conversation I find my blood boiling every time we try to chat.

In short, finding something to do together would require me to do something I don’t enjoy and I feel I do enough of that as it is given I’m raising two kids that aren’t my own.

That being said, she does love giving me and DH massages (especially me) and the last time she did it I asked if she would like the same done to her and she said yes so maybe I’ve finally found something we both like. Her birthday is in two weeks so I’m going to surprise her by taking her to a fancy foot spa place together.

However, as the above is not something we can do on a weekly or fortnightly basis given the cost I think the only other option I have is to try and work through my feelings with a counsellor again to see if I can get to a place of greater empathy.
Right now I find it almost impossible to have any empathy for her given how difficult she makes my life and how little she cares about the impact of her actions on others.

I’ll keep you posted!

Jersey Not So Sure's picture

"And I can’t even have any good conversations with her either (also somewhat due to her ADD as she’s all over the shop) but also because she’s not interested (and is completely unashamed about the fact) in listening to others. She only wants people to listen to her and 95% of what she says (and that’s truly not an exaggeration) is either at worst complete lies or at best a gross exaggeration of the truth. And for someone who likes real facts, honesty and genuine conversation I find my blood boiling every time we try to chat."

Oh my goodness.. this is me with my SD13 too. I was trying to have a serious conversation with her the other morning about responsibility and cleanliness and the importance of real relationships vs. online ones. Her responses? "Do you think the lady that made the American flag poked her finger a lot with the needle?" "Did you know that's Donald Trump's real hair?" and my favorite "When horses were made, do you think they just appeared or do you think they fell out of the sky?"
I have also been graced with "facts" such as: "Well, Donald Trump promised to fix all the potholes." amongst others that my caffeine-lacking brain can't conjure up at the moment.
I'm going to knock my brain loose from all the head-shaking that goes on when she speaks.

newcstep's picture

I also have a generally awesome relationship with my SD. But there are sometimes when she reminds me of her mother so much I can't even look at her. There are also times as a bio free SM that I really just can't/don't want to deal with a child. Sometimes I will go outside or downstairs to get some alone time. She will follow me to hug or cuddle, and I find that I can't even tolerate sitting next to her for a few moments. Those are horrible emotions that I try fervently to hide from her, and I hate to even admit to them here. However, I think that trying to stifle the emotion sometimes makes it worse.

When I start to feel this way, I know it's time for DH to have some daddy-daughter time. Take a day off! You aren't her mother and shouldn't feel shackled to her. By encouraging some bonding time between DH and SD, you can clear your head, and maybe DH will start to get just as annoyed by some of her "challenging behavior" and finally step up to get the ball rolling on whatever help she needs.

My final piece of advice is something in a step-parenting book that I read before I married my DH and it has stuck with me ever since. As a SM you will NEVER love you skids the way their parents do or the way you would love bios, and that is 100% okay. Wanting the best for someone and making sacrifices from your own life to help support that child brew it's own special kind of relationship that grows from choice not obligation, but it will never be the same. So stop feeling guilty for that RIGHT NOW!

Loxy's picture

Newcstep, my SD is an exact clone of her mother as well which is most unfortunate. We tried for many years (and still try) to interrupt and change this replication from happening but it seems it’s completely out of our control – ie genetic and also environmental given she lives at her BM’s half the time.

DH does do the daddy-daughter time, ie yesterday he took her shopping. However, due to the current travel requirements of his job I’m getting a lot more time with her than I’d like and that’s not something that we can change before mid-year unfortunately.

As for getting the ball rolling on the help she needs, that’s something we have wanted to do since she was about 3-4 years old but her mother has never been on-board. As her mother suffers the same limitations and issues I just don’t’ think she is able to realise there is a real problem that needs addressing and/or know what to do about it. That being said, DH did manage to have a good conversation with her recently about SD’s issues so I think we are slowly moving in the right direction there for getting her help but it’s an ongoing battle.

I could relate so much to your point about barely being able to stand being anywhere near your SD sometimes and desperately trying to suppress that emotion – I get the same after about 3-4 days with my SD. She’s extraordinarily needy and always in my face and has no concept or care about personal space, privacy or respect for other’s property so she’s quite exhausting and I find I always hit a tolerance limit with her every time they are at our house where after that I can barely stand being in the same space as her.

By contrast, I grew up an only child and so greatly value my privacy, space, alone time and property so I just find the way she is completely foreign and so unwelcome.

I think I accepted a long time ago that I would never love my step-kids in the way I would bio kids (not that I’ve been able to have bio kids which is my greatest heartbreak), however I would like to get to the point where I don’t dislike her so much.

Ispofacto's picture

You have described my situation to a T. SD13 goes to a counselor, but BM has instructed her not to share, so SD spends the sessions blowing smoke up the counselor's ass. Our BM is a psychopath, and SD has features of RAD, but she is not working on her issues and I am getting worn out. I have been in her life since she was 5, and I'm starting to feel like this is not my problem. I don't feel sorry for her anymore.

frustrated stepmonster's picture

"There are also times as a bio free SM that I really just can't/don't want to deal with a child. Sometimes I will go outside or downstairs to get some alone time. She will follow me to hug or cuddle, and I find that I can't even tolerate sitting next to her for a few moments. Those are horrible emotions that I try fervently to hide from her, and I hate to even admit to them here. However, I think that trying to stifle the emotion sometimes makes it worse."

Wow. I could have written these lines myself. My SS9 is around 50+ percent of the time, and when I'm home he totally gravitates toward me. He follows me around the house excitedly chatting at me. When I go to the bathroom I have to expressly tell him he can't come in with me. And then he'll often wait outside the door to resume the chatting when I come out. It drives me nuts, but it feels terrible to want to get away from him because he's really just being sweet and he's so innocent. Still.

It's hard for me to make space for myself. I don't want him to feel rejected or hurt in anyway. I told him once that if he's chatting to me and I'm not responding, it's just because I don't feel like chatting and he should not take it personally. My SO has become aware of the problem and will step in when he notices: "Hey, how about we hike/eat/etc. in silence for awhile?" But he often fails to even notice when I'm being hounded and even when he does, SS doesn't much heed his suggestion to please shut the f*** up. Ugh. (Sorry. It's frustrating.)

I feel a lot of resentment over the conflict. I resent having to choose between (1) dealing with this annoying child, reluctantly hugging and snuggling and chatting with him (when I am so not feeling it) or (2) acting the part of the cold-hearted stepmonster and telling him to take a friggin' hike, thus hurting his feelings (and, heaven forbid, perhaps damaging him for life). I had an evil stepmother of my own, so I'm well aware of the damage that can be done.

All this to say, what's the step-parenting book you read? Would you recommend it -- or any others? I sure could use some help in this area . . . .

Loxy's picture

The woodcutter's wife (I think that was the name) was the best step-parenting book I read as it was written by a SM who took on her SS full-time and from memory he was a challenging child. It's very raw and honest and relatable for all step-parents!

Loxy's picture

The woodcutter's wife (I think that was the name) was the best step-parenting book I read as it was written by a SM who took on her SS full-time and from memory he was a challenging child. It's very raw and honest and relatable for all step-parents!

stepmomof1biomomof1's picture

I am guessing that she is not medicated for her ADD? My son has ADHD and in the mornings before he takes him medicine I can barely stand to be around him lol. He is the sweetest best kid after the medicine kicks in. I would do everything possible to get your husband to take her to the doctor.
I can not stand my 13 year old step daughter. I think she has undiagnosed mental issues that DH and BM refuse to see. She can be sweet and tells me she loves me all the time but I can not stand her. I usually am polite and walk away while trying to not look rude when she comes around.

Loxy's picture

No she’s not medicated as she’s never been diagnosed with anything thanks to BM’s refusal to see (until very recently) that there is a range of issues that needs treating. After 7 years of pushing the issue we finally have BM onboard and SD schedule in to see a shrink shorty.
That being said, if we treat the ADD issues there’s no doubt she would be less in your face and annoying but she wouldn’t be any nicer and she will certainly never be accused of being sweet ha ha.

Rags's picture

To me the solution to this issue is to focus on the kid behaviors and not the undiagnosed causes, thoughts, theories of issues, etc...

SD may accuse you of favoring SS and that may be fact... however, it you focus on her behaviors rather than you feelings then you can tie her concerns back to her actions and behaviors. If she pushes it then compare her behaviors to her brother's behaviors and point out that you "love" them equally but her choices are invoking consequences and the correction for the situation is on her and has nothing to do with favoritism. Her brother makes better decisions and thus does not suffer the consequences that she does.

I really couldn't give a flying rat's ass why a person behaves as they do I only care if their behavior is reasonable or not. Not reasonable by their standards but reasonable by the standards of a reasonable individual or most importantly... my standards.

Work with her dad/your DH to establish standards of reasonable behavior for the Skids in your marital home and enforce those standards. SS will likely have little problem with those standards while SD will likely struggle significantly with those standards. Stay the course, apply the consequences, and evolve to a zero tolerance position on the most intolerable elements of SD's chosen inappropriate behaviors.

Loxy's picture

Well the situation has deteriorated since I started this post. The issues of resentment and bad feeling that have always only been on my side is now on both sides. My SD has stopped telling me she loves me so much (if at all) and started complaining about how I always criticise her. She also told me this morning that without me in her life telling DH what to do she would have heaps better stuff ie the latest iPhone, laptop etc. To some extent that's true as my DH is a spender and definitely not a natural parent ie he doesn't think about consequences of actions such as buying kids the best of everything so I've had to do a lot of hard work there in that space to get him on-board with the program Smile

She also told DH that she knows I don't love her and I get along better with SS because we have more in common. Then she proceeded to tell DH lie after lie about me which he called BS on all until she admitted she was lying. Problem is she just doesn't understand the impact of her lying and is not motivated to stop lying.

I have to accept some of the blame for this situation though - my tone of voice is dramatically different to SD than it is to SS and I do always criticise and rouse on her. I honestly don't know how to change that as I simple hate her - everything about her irritates me and I hate the fact that I can't trust her or enjoy any conversations or interactions with her!

However, she also needs to own the other half because she expects to be able to lie constantly and treat other people and property like rubbish, never listen or do what she's told and all without any consequences to our relationship.

It's SO hard when your skid's personality just fundamentally clashes with your values and who you are as a person. I value honesty and facts and SD either grossly exaggerates or outright lies 95% of the time so talking to her is just pointless and frustrating as it's all rubbish. I also have a strong sense of responsibility and SD is unbelievably irresponsible and doesn't care about other people (zero empathy) or their property. I honestly feel like I'm going to scream if she keeps using my stuff without asking!

SD is artistic and loves girly stuff like shopping and gymnastics. I'm not artistic and loathe shopping, gymnastics or any other girly stuff. We have absolutely nothing in common and just clash massively.

So for now I'm going to continue my disengagement from her and wait and see how the shrink appointment in 2 months time goes. I really hope this is the start of ongoing treatment to address her behavioural problems as long as we can keep BM on-board as she has always been on a different page to us with regards to SD's behaviour. If the shrink is good then I'll probably do a few appointments myself to work through some strategies on how I can better manage this situation as it's really stressful.

moeilijk's picture

Loads of people have nothing in common and don't clash. I suspect that you've gone above and beyond a few too many times - to keep things nice, to be the bigger person, what-have-you. And now you're so far past your own boundaries for a happy life that you're just completely overextended.

The thing is, you're the one that didn't enforce your boundaries. With adults, we can say "Here's a boundary," and the other will (usually) respect that. With kids, especially toddlers and teens... nope. I'm sure you remember the baby years, where you had to be very black-and-white and hard as a rock in some situations. It's the same now.

Stop being too nice!

Loxy's picture

True, sometimes differences work well but often they do not - especially if the differences are around values which is the case for my SD and me. I'm not sure being too nice is the problem, in fact I feel very guilty about the tone of voice I take with my SD most of the time as it's significantly different (ie far less nice) to how I talk to SS10 (who I like). But doing too much over the years is a problem that I've been slowly changing over the last year. I'm leaving SD12 to DH more and more now so I can have more space from her.

I'm also starting to be a lot more honest with SD12 about the situation ie that while a bio parent's love is unconditional that's not the case for a step-parent and if we are going to get along there has to be effort on both sides to compromise. I've been very clear with her that I hate lying and people talking rubbish and so if she keeps doing that then we are going to have issues.

DH and I have also really cracked down on her lack of respect for other people's property (something else I hate) and she experienced some consequences she did not like on the weekend. This is a big win for two reasons: 1 DH and I are very different when it comes to parenting (I'm strict and he's not) so for him to take the lead on this issue and be very strict was awesome. Secondly, we have never been able to find SD's currency - ie that reward or consequence that really motivates her to change behaviour so it's been unbelievably hard to address problem behaviours over the years. However, SD12 has a phobia of germs and getting sick (one of many anxieties she displays, among a range of other issues). So on the weekend she used her brother's apple watch yet again without asking I gave him permission to go into her room and do whatever he liked with her stuff. As he was sick at the time SD freaked out about him touching anything of hers so we really rammed the message home how unpleasant it was to have your things messed without.

Anyway we shall see how it all goes - I'm hoping this new stricter approach, along with the shrink appointment coming up in August (which will hopefully be the beginning of ongoing and much needed treatment for SD) will really impact some of this stuff.

I don't expect I'll ever like SD much but I hope we can get to the point that I can at least like her some of the time.