Divorced, Done with Stepson, Need breakup advice
Hey everyone, totally new to the group so here's a VERY brief synopsis of what's transpired.
I hate children. Nothing will change that, it's not for me, not what I want or where I see my life going. Nevertheless, I fell in love with a man 9 years ago who happened to have a 1.5yo child. I bought into what everyone said about "it gets better, it will come to you..." and it didn't. He ended up being on the autism spectrum and is delayed about 2-3yrs cognitively. I've tried classes, therapy, support groups. In the end I was on anxiety medication and smoking pot just to get through my days with this child (who is now 10). I left my husband 6 months ago because of this parenting nightmare... For my own health and sanity, in every literal sense of the term. No comments needed on the back-story... Just want you to know where I'm coming from.
What I need help with is this:
My ex moved to Arizona with his son. I have ZERO interest in having a relationship with his son (or my ex for that matter) and I need some suggestions on how to go about ending the relationship. While it was a horrible relationship for the both of us, the stepson sees me as his mom (I'm the only mom he's ever known) and is pretty sad he doesn't get to see me anymore. But given the physical and mental distress he causes me, I want nothing to do with him and have no intentions of seeing him, sending birthday cards, talking on the phone, etc. My worst nightmare is him coming to me in a few years wanting to live with me or something.... I am not an option in his future.
The only thing I can come up with is letting the communication fade and then ceasing all-together... Then when he's older answering any questions he might have, but not leaving a door open for a relationship I don't want. My ex is pressuring me to tell his son "that I'm not his mom anymore"... But I can't imagine telling a mentally handicapped 10yo child "I don't want to be your mom anymore" is what you do in this situation and have voiced that.
Is it time for his father to step up to the plate and help him work through the sadness of the breakup? How do I break up with my ex's child?
Where is the BM in this
Where is the BM in this situation?
That is a toughy. I am not judging you for your feelings because you feel how you feel. You sound like you tried but it just isn't how you want your life.
Honestly, I would say you all need to go see a counselor to determine how to break it to the SS without causing him more problems. But since the XH moved out of state, it seems he took your opportunity away to really make that break gradually.
I understand you are done with it all. But for the sake of this child who had no say in any of this...maybe a few phone calls a week for a while will help him transition. But then again...I don't know. I would contact a therapist or someone and ask this question.
The fact that the child is mentally handicapped puts it in a difficult situation.
To complicate it even
To complicate it even further... Stepson A is actually adopted by my ex, so he has no biological ties to him either. My ex was with his previous girlfriend, who cheated, got pregnant, then jetted. My ex adopted A because he was, for all intents and purposes, A's father. The BM has had nothing to do with A his entire life.
Let your ex break the news.
Let your ex break the news. It's his responsibility to tell his son that you are no longer going to be in his life.
It is absolutely his
It is absolutely his responsibility.
When my DH and I went through a breakup a couple of years ago (then clearly made it work and got married, but that's besides the point), we first talked about how it would impact SD, whether or not I would continue to see/talk to SD, and how HE is going to tell SD we were splitting up.
He was surprised that I was so concerned. He thanked me for going out of my way to make it amicable and easier on his child. I was still willing to continue a relationship with her, so that made it easier, but if I wasn't, he wouldn't have held it against me. It wasn't my fault he chose to put me in a position of "mom" for his child and he knew that.
This is one of the many reasons bio parents need to let stepparents be stepparents - not force them into the role of mommy or daddy. It's not fair to the kid(s) involved. But your ex needs to grow up to be honest. This is his problem and his alone. HE needs to talk to his kid.
If you want to, then great, that's a nice thing to do. But don't feel like you have to. You didn't take the risk of dating when you have a young child who could get attached, HE did. There's a reason I haven't had kids yet... it's because I was waiting to find the right person so they never have people coming in and out of their life.
I don't judge those who don't choose to wait and find the right person, but I do judge them when they decide that the fact that they didn't wait is someone else's fault when a breakup happens.
In a few years he won't be a
In a few years he won't be a child anymore so maybe if he did approach you then to ask questions, you could talk to him like an adult. Unfortunately, I think his dad tried really hard to fill the mom role with someone and you were the closest thing to it. I don't doubt it was probably exacerbated by the fact that he didn't parent effectively which drove you to where you were, and TBH I think you deserve a lot of credit for sticking around for as long as you did.
I'd do what another poster suggested--go see a family counselor and ask them for advice. I do feel bad for the child because his world has been turned upside down, but it's something kids go through every day in divorced families, especially when one parent has full legal and physical custody, or one parent just decides to walk away.
Then I'd suggest you tell your ex he should be taking the kid to therapy too to work it out. This is not all on you as he's suggesting with his stupid idea of you telling the kid that. Low blow. Seriously low.
I really appreciate this, you
I really appreciate this, you have no idea. My ex was an absent parent and left 90% of everything on me to fix/solve/do... I think this breakup is a cold slap of reality that he never expected... Finally seeing how much of everything I did in that relationship to try and break myself to fit the mold.
I don't give up easily and I walk away with my head held high because I know I tried everything I could possibly find, even to the point of medicating myself, to make things work.
I will suggest to him that he take the stepson to therapy for this (I did once before) and see where that goes.
You were never the kids mom
You were never the kids mom in the first place so saying that you are not his mom any more is a ridiculous statement.
If forced to explain to the boy I would tell him that sometimes adults decide they do not want to be boyfriend and girlfriend any more (husband and wife?) and they choose to live their lives separately going forwards. Unfortunately that also means they must say good bye to the family of their boyfriend/girlfriend and live their lives without them too. If he counters, but your my mom.. then say that no, I was never your mom, your mom..(fill in here with whatever he is told about his biomom), I was dads girlfriend and helped dad look after you while we were living together/ dating. Now that we are not, I will not be helping dad. Your dad does not need my help. I will miss you but I will always remember you and I know that you and your dad are going to have lots of adventures in Arizona.
TBH though this is your ex's job to talk this through with the boy but I can understand if you feel the need to have this discussion with him yourself.
I agree with this. If you
I agree with this. If you must talk to him, explain to him that unfortunately people break up but his mom and dad will always be his mom and dad. That kind of puts the onus on your ex to explain that he made you out to be his "mom" when really he already has a mom.
Your X is the one who needs
Your X is the one who needs to explain it to his son. This is sad for all concerned but it is dad who needs to step up and be dad.
Why are in contact with this man after he moved? It is pretty simple. Block his number. If your former SS contacts you late, be pleasant, be direct, and deal with it if it happens.
We're not officially divorced
We're not officially divorced yet. I have to be somewhat in contact with him...
Yea ur ex needs to step up to
Yea ur ex needs to step up to the plate but you are wrong for even dealing with a child to the level when you knew the love wasnt there. This would be different if he had a mom but you are the only mom he knows. That is not the same responsibility as a stepmom. A stepmom can move on but how on earth can a child recovers from his mom leaving him when he was 10?