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We got full custody of his daughter 2 years ago and it's been hell

aeo013's picture

Sad So long story short my husbands ex wife started doing drugs and and my husband took full custody. Well ever since him and I have been together she has just been rude and disrespectful. She just turned 10, but everyone else just let's her act and talk however she wants. She argues about everything, talks back, on some days just refuses to go to school. She doesn't listen and just does as she pleases. She is almost 140pds, so I have been trying to limit her portions and the things she eats, but everyone just gives in to her. Saying oh her mom left she is having a hard time or its just baby fat. We have taken her to counseling and she just puts on a face and the therapist says there is nothinwrong with her attitude and that she is a sweet girl. Her grades are failing and its an all night battle to get her to read for 20 minutes. I feel like I am losing my sanity. My husband and I argue on a daily basis about it, its now to the point that I don't do any of the discipline or interaction because it gets thrown out the window or I am being mean. My husband just let's her stay on a tablet or in front of a TV. I say I am worried about how she treats people and that she is overweight and he just gets angry with me. I am starting to dread the evenings and weekends when we are all home. It makes me feel like a horrible person, and I know I am starting to develop depression. What do or can I do? Please help thank you.

Yogaguru's picture

Disengage. Keep being disengaged. You can't care more than the parent but be understanding that this little girl's mother is on drugs and that means she's probably been exposed to much, much more than you can imagine. If she lost custody of her child I can absolutely guarantee there was much more going on before that happened. Of course she's sassy and acting out. She's probably been acting as an adult by virtue of her environment. I'm not saying it's ok to be disrespectful but acknowledging how the issue happened will go a long way to helping fix the problem. Your husband is the problem. Two years he should have been able to make a dent in this problem. He's showing you he's ok with her daughter acting like this. That's unfortunate.

The other thing is you're changing the rules, hard and fast and clearly without help or acceptance from the parent. You will be seen as the problem, the outsider and the one to get blamed. Don't limit her food but if you do the grocery shopping purchase the things you will make for dinner and if her father goes with you and buys the sugary and fattening things for her then he's responsible. Put your mind at ease that you tried. If she doesn't go to school and is truant your husband is the one that will deal with the consequences which can include a fine or worse in some districts. If she fails then that's on her and the parents. I know I'd be heartbroken if I saw my stepkids going down that path but I was lucky bc their dad cared enough to discipline them. I would just be clear about the expectation that she is going to launch at 18 come hell or high water.

I would stop arguing about this with your husband. Don't argue with his daughter either. If she's disrespectful to other adults and they don't correct her then that's on them. I would.

Find another counselor bc your counselor isn't a very good one. Any counselor worth a damn would never say a kid that grow up in a household and flat out refuses to go to school and doesn't isn't perfectly fine. There is clearly something wrong with the lack of parenting and the fact that you are your husband aren't able to talk instead of arguing. Maybe address those issues in counseling and ask if a child is failing and the parent does nothing about that what would you suggest? And go from there.

aeo013's picture

Thank you for the comments. Her mother was very active in her life actually. She took care of her and everything, but my husband heard she was doing drugs and decided to take custody. I just always felt like I was doing something wrong. I don't raise my voice with my stepdaughter or call her names or anything, I even tried to sit her down to teach her the importance of good hygiene, healthy habits and doing well in school and treating people with respect. She just rolls her eyes and says whatever and walks away. I don't mean to fight with my husband, but if I say one negative thing or try to bring up a situation he gets really angry and scary mean towards me. I am getting to the point where I am wondering if I should just leave and divorce.

Yogaguru's picture

Scary mean is a problem in itself. My husband is a big strong military man and I am 5'1 115lbs and he's never got scary mean. I'd divorce if he was in any way or sense of the word scary and his anger frightened me. It sounds like you've tried and done your best. Now take care of yourself. Let the parents figure this out.

Rags's picture

Time to deliver a life of abject misery when this kid fails to do what she should be doing.

No TV, no internet, no .... nothing .... unless she diligently performs the duties she should be performing.

The key is consistency from your DH and from you. Anyone who violates your standards of behavior that this kid should be following gets no access.

As for your DH being scary mean towards you... he is trying to parent the wrong person. You need to have zero tolerance for that crap from your DH and the next time he does it ... get in his face and tell him to get his threatening ass and ill behaved crotch dropping out of your house and don't come back. If he touches you..... own his ass if he survives your self defense efforts.

I completely understand frustration and anger. What is unforgivable to me is a man being intimidating or violent towards his wife.

Good luck.

aeo013's picture

I have tried the no internet, t.v and things like that. When I do that its like a whole different child. As soon as she gets what she wants back she is back to the same behaviour. Like this morning I said can you please brush your hair and she rolled her eyes at me and walked away. Anytime I try any kind of discipline she tattles to Daddy that I am being mean and of course if I try to defend myself I am lying and she is the innocent one. I have now resorted to just sitting in my room at all times and shutting them out. Then he gets mad and asks me why I don't want to do anything with them. Like are you serious? I love my husband, but when is it enough?

Rags's picture

So don't give it back. We had this problem with SS and gaming. So we took the power cord for his PlayStation and never gave it back. No more issues associated with his gaming addiction.

She has proven that she cannot handle the responsibilities of free choice regarding internet/TV/etc....

Zero tolerance and residual disciplinary methods work. Just be ready for the long term commitment to retaining the consequences.

uofarkchick's picture

The answer is simple but it's not easy... You leave the parenting to him, 100%. If he's going to get scary mean (abusive) then it's in your best interest to take a giant step back. This child has a mother and a father.
I guess "scary mean" can mean different things to different people but I'm guessing he yells obscenities at you and degrades you. Instead of distracting yourself from the real problem (your husband), start working on you. You may find that life would be better if you left this situation and found someone that doesn't control you by getting scary.

bearcub25's picture

I have to agree with disengaging 100%. I didn't necessarily tell my DSO that I was doing that, full custody of SD16 for past 7 years, but he isn't scary mean either. He didn't like that I stopped doing a lot of things but he did step up, somewhat.

My skids were taken from their Mom. BM punched SD in the face when she was 9. The school saw the makeup covered bruises and notified CPS. CPS found out BM was living with 2 registered sex offenders, young girls, and took them. They had a pretty crappy and unstable life before that.

Here is something I told my SD in the beginning when she tried treating me horribly. I said that I didn't have to let her have friends stay over, I didn't have to take her and let her pick out new clothes every so often, I didn't have to get her to cheerleading or all the other fun stuff she was doing that BM refused to take her to. I didn't yell, I just stated it matter of factly and walked away. In my case, it worked and she lost a lot of attitude with me.

Acratopotes's picture

Disengage 100% - leave all the coddling and parenting to DH, seeing he believes his special snow flake above his wife and partner.... let him feel

You stop doing anything for her, driving, buying things, babysitting, cooking , laundry you name it.
If SD asks you something smile and say - Ask Dad hon... and ignore...

her hair being uncombed and messy, pffftttt who cares you are not going out like that she can do what ever she wants.

If she makes a mess and does not clean simply tell DH - sort this out please and walk away,

When DH has a fit cause you are not helping, smile and say... why should I parent if I am not allowed to teach and discipline? it's either 100% parent or 0%, let me know what you decided.