"I thought things would get better as they got older." This is a common thought with SMs or pretty much everyone in reference to SKs. It certainly doesn't always occur, unfortunately. It is natural to assume that with age comes wisdom and acceptance, but I have found that common sense doesn't usually apply in step- situations.

The answer to your question is No. Ten years of trying is more than enough. It is good your DH seems to have your back. They are adults. Leave them behind and let DH and your BDs have whatever relationship they will with them. You only have to be involved and attend events YOU want to, and No, you don't have to suck it up and take it. AND, you are not a failure. The divorce was DH and BM's decision. Whatever goes on with their children is on them.

One would hope that they care enough for the BD to treat you better; but it has been my experience that they turned on my daughter, as well, eventually. In the end, they were almost worse to her than me and she really looked up to them, doing nothing to deserve any of it; just trying to care for them.

You probably have held your tongue too long, kind lady. "Silence is acknowledgement." Saying nothing, is simply saying what you are doing is okay to me, keep on doing it.... I was quiet as many others on this board, for far too long and then we all realized we were at a dead in road, in a broken down junk heap car in the middle of the night, no phone, nothing left in us more to give to a bunch of ungrateful people and a weakling man. We were done.

You will know when you are done too. Your daughter can deal with them on her terms if you choose to stop this sick cycle of years of abuse to you-yourself. But do not be surprised if they do not eventually turn on her or start using her as their communication vehicle, if they no longer have contact with you. Eventually, she will see the light too, all on her own, and fully agree with you, but she will have to experience it herself, unfortunately.

Stop biting your tongue today. No more abuse...and you defend you-- without caring (for a change), if anybody likes it or not, including your husband (who is to blame--kids only do what that know they are allowed to do, and that includes adults).

I learned the hard way like you, I have to defend myself. I am all I have.

This past couple of months of disengagement from SD28 have been the most relaxing I have felt in years. She will never accept me because we began dating when her father was a year into the divorce but not fully divorced, so she holds to the fallacy that her parents would have eventually reconciled had it not been for my interference.

Even after several years she still treats me terribly. I finally disengaged in an attempt to save my heart as I had hoped to have at least a working relationship with her and it was like hitting my head against a wall. This past thanksgiving something in me snapped. I no longer care. And i feel better. I tried, did my best, but refuse to put my head on the chopping block ever again. I still listen when my h talks about her but I no longer offer advice except to keep repeating in my head that I am queen and she can never be. She will not dictate the rules of the castle.

You have to care for your own feelings and if things ever do get ugly with them talking about you to your bio daughters, care for them as well. It sucks, but you can't let them dictate how your home is run.

Hang in there.

What is it with the gift giving thing? Mine does the same exact thing to me.... think these sorry women were raised in a barn?

Leaving us out, is purposeful and done with full intent to exclude us as family. Take it as as the sign it is, and.... that "whatever" it is-is not likely to change.

You may be left with no other choice--but to change yourself, instead.

Yeah, I understand what people are saying when they say, "Don't take it personally." What they really mean is, "They are going after you because of your title--the dreaded SM--which has nothing to do with you or whether you personally are a bad person or not." I get that.

On the other hand, I do think it somewhat minimizes the effect it has on the SM it is being aimed at. I think too often SMs are told not to take it personally, and move on, as if that somehow means it was or is OK. And, what about next time? I think what is going on here is really nothing but good ol' fashioned bullying. Bullies often aren't aiming their anger at someone specifically. They are aiming it at the easiest, weakest, nearest target. But, the effect of the bashing, banging or bruising is no less because "you just happened to be handy and in the way." In other words, getting your ass kicked hurts just as much whether someone did it intentionally or accidentally on purpose.

Sometimes, I think these adults SKs get passes on their behaviors way too often. Heck!, call them what they are--bullies--and treat these situations as such. I didn't have the best childhood either, and if anything, I would go out of my way to avoid belittling others because I knew personally how it felt. Yeah, the last thing you should be doing is rewarding a bully for their behavior with a Christmas gift or any kind of gift. I say, take the "kick me" sign off of your butt and stand up to these young'ns.

I am in the same boat as you. What helped me was training myself at keeping the skids at an arms length. To talk myself out of not treating the skids the same way as I did my Bio's. I always thought that whatever I did for one I must do for all (skids and bio's). It takes practice. But when you are the nice person and the skids never say thank you, when they are never, ever nice in return and you keep thinking that it will get better but it never does. Just protect your heart.
I have weaned myself off from making sure that they had special treats for every Hallmark holiday.
I buy for Christmas but have cut back big time. I mail a greeting card on their birthdays. That's it. Now it doesn't hurt so bad when I get nothing.
I will no longer reach out to them if they need something and I think that I can help. I no longer offer, just listen in silence and tell myself no, no, no.
I am friendly, I am respectful. I guess I treat them as I would a co-worker.
I no longer offer advise because I am labelled as being opinionated if I do.
Life will become easier for you when they are all out of your house.
I would typically ask DH about them but I rarely do anymore because what he tells me causes me stress and anxiety. I am happier not knowing.
I was like you I too ran the skids here there and everywhere and helped with this, that and the other thing and in the end I just feel used.
I try not to think about it but sometimes I get sucked back in.
Do things for you and do things for your children and your husband. You all will be happier. I have one SD that seems to be coming around but with the past being what it is I am very hesitant to believe it sorry to say.

Sometimes, when you give people exactly what they say they want, it's the best thing you can do!

So, if they blame you for everything, and say how much they despise you, and appreciate nothing - then why continue to try to have relationships with people who have made it clear to you that they don't want it

And I have two answers to your question on whether it ever changes

I'll start with my YSD. We had our ups and downs while she was growing up, and there were times she was rude and disrespectful and made it clear that a "step-parent" had no business in anything yada yada

So, I thought to myself well okay then, since I am a "step-parent" and have "no business" so much as asking you how your math test went (the same one I helped you study for) then okay, sure, since I'm that step-parent who has no business in your life, that means I have no business in doing nice things for you - you're all on your own for the next math test - and oh, guess I have no business cooking all your favorite meals, or treating you to your favorite spa, or taking you to my family's get togethers where everyone dotes on you, or driving you and your friends to a party, etc.. etc..

I stopped cold turkey doing anything for her. Especially as I had never made it my business to pry in anything in her life, I simply showed an interest, on top of being fall over backwards nice, and her treatment of me told me all I needed to know

However, once I withdrew, she freaked out. She realized she'd messed up, and has ever since made a huge point of making sure I know how much she loves, appreciates and values me in her life. So, I have done many wonderful things for her since. And on the occasions she has not been exactly great in return - even recently - I simply tone it down. In her case, it kills her, she likes having me and all the things I do for her in her life

Her sister on the other hand, is way more spiteful, rotten and unappreciative. When I've done the same things where she is concerned, she reacts with anger, sometimes followed by false niceness (hoping to get me back to kissing her ass, which hasn't happened in a long long time) and then back to being a complete ass to me

In her case, there is no relationship. I have nothing left to give. But, it's all good. I've wiped her out of my life and I no longer stress about her, or care one way or the other what she thinks.

So, STOP doing all the things you do for your SD and sgd's. Simply focus on your relationship with your husband. Be polite to them, but demand respect from them. Don't be confrontational, but don't be a doormat either. Treat them no different than if they were the neighbor's kid. You would be nice, polite, but you wouldn't bust your butt for them or think of them as family

Sure, keep trying. Just because they will no longer live with you does not mean that you and they can't make an effort.

Tailor your effort to theirs. If they make an effort then you reciprocate. Over time an equilibrium should settle in that will work for the twins and for you.

Hon - sending you hugs...... I've been where you are.... and it's not fun, You do everything for these brats and they stab you in the back.

Now you simply disengage, they make as if you are the Evil Step Mother, make their dreams come true and be that...
You will no longer do anything for them, you simply say good morning and good evening... you only focus on your daughters and do fun stuff with your daughters, those twin b!tches excluded, no more trips to the mall with all off them and you do not spend any head space or money on those brats.

You simply tell DH, you are done, they are adults and you will treat them as such from now on, they can do their own laundry and clean after themselves, if they do not do it, he better do it but you and your daughters will not be doing it. You will no longer buy snacks for them, and if you decide to cook you will not care if they eat or not, tell your husband you are done with them. Ignore them..

read this link below, and simply disengage, but do not hide away in your room, you take control of your house and they can hide in their rooms, as long as they live there, they will obey the house rules and DH will support you.

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html