Brian1876's picture

Adult step kids and my wife's coddling ruined my marriage

Somebody please tell me this is so wrong.my wife always put her adult children before me or our marriage.they were allowed to come into our home with no rules and do as they please.it has happened w 2 of her adult children.the first,her 21 year old son.he quit college and decided to work out of town.after 6 months just decided to quit for no good reason and asked to stay with us till he got situated.he had 20,000 saved from working and had no bills but insurance and cell bill.after my wife allowed him to live there not contributing to the house,not looking for his own place,nothing.his mother did nothing but make excuses why he couldn't support himself.it caused several arguments between us.i never had a say on anything in my own house.during the time he lived there he slept w a 13 and 14 year old n our house and was still allowed to live there.needles to say he blew every dime of the 20,000 w nothing to show for it living off us.he finally moved out after over a year.now the same thing is happening w her daughter moving back in which is causing us a divorce (she filed).her daughter moved out to live w her bf.he wouldn't keep a job so she quit college to work more to support him.after only 3 months of being on her own she moved back in w us.shes been back in our house a year.in that year she's done nothing to better her situation.she blows all her money on getting hair done,clothes,cellphones etc while we foot the bill for living expenses.dont contribute any money to our home.even got a credit card n maxed it out in just a few months.my wife saw nothing wrong w this behavior .she calls it loving and helping her kids.again,I never had a say on anything.her way or the highway.i spent several months trying to talk to my wife n got ignored.i work full time,cook,clean,pay bills while grown kids living off us doing nothing to be responsible adults..my wife asked for a divorce because I finally had enough n went off


Stepped in what momma's picture

I guess it depends on who you

I guess it depends on who you ask but to me this is wrong. Good news is that you won't have to deal with it anymore because you are getting divorced. Make sure you interview the next runner up better than you did this last one and go over what you will allow in your life and what you won't. Many of us didn't know to ask these types of questions but now you know what could happen so you shouldn't make the same mistake twice.

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

ybarra357's picture

"my wife asked for a divorce

"my wife asked for a divorce because I finally had enough n went off" Good riddance to her and her spawn, IMO.

That's no moon, it's a space station!

ChiefGrownup's picture

Flee and don't look back.

Flee and don't look back.

She's a lousy mother and worse wife. Good riddance.

Schikdrenwhuch: Hansel and Gretel Blue Plate Special. -- Taushalove

I could smell the GUBM sulfur spewing from her cloven hooves eons ago. -- Ladyface

Brian1876's picture

When I say I went off nothing

When I say I went off nothing violent by any means. I just said some stuff I probably shouldn't have said. I spent 4 months trying to talk calmly about it and she never wanted to listen.when it came to her kids in our house there was never any compromise on anything.it was all her way or no way at all.she always made excuses for her adult kids why they couldn't be independent.neither had any handicap of any kind.theyve always been treated like a silver spoon was in their mouth. I'm all for helping kids but why should I if they're not doing anything for themselves but take advantage.she enables them to grow up or suffer any consequences for anything or any choices they make.she encourages their selfish,immature ways just so they can live like teenagers.blow all their money while someone else pays the bills

Aniki's picture

Your wife doesn't want to

Your wife doesn't want to listen because 1) she's an enabler, and 2) she wants her kids there.

Don't expect this to change. She wants a divorce because you are no longer willing to support her children. Contact an attorney and file first.

"I feel like I'm reading food erotica. Fifty Shades of Aniki's Wine and Dinner." ~Gimlet

"I decided to stop reaching out. It's just asking to get my hand slapped." ~Aniki

cw's picture

Your wife is totally out of

Your wife is totally out of line. First of all, your wife should have discussed with you and both of you should have come to mutual decision about your skids moving in. The rules and established boundaries. It feels like she is using you for her own and her kids financial gain. If she can't or won't do a 180 then as sad as it is probably divorce may be your only option. I sure hope you have a prenup.

sportslover's picture

Sounds like a nightmare. I

Sounds like a nightmare. I don't get this new parenting, I had to start contributing $$ at 16 and have had a good, independent, nice life because of it. Who ever thought this coddling crap was a good idea?

The kicker is, do any of these "kids" seem happy? Not at all from what I've seen.

Stay out and save yourself!

DanielleR's picture

I will require my children to

I will require my children to pay rent when they are able to work, yep and get a job while still in high school. It'll be a fairly low rent and set aside for them when they go out on their own, but it will help teach them how to budget and manage expected expenses while they have a huge safety net. Broke? Go out and donate plasma, that quick, easy money.

Brian1876's picture

Of course the kids are

Of course the kids are happy.theyre getting a totally free ride and not pushed to grow up.they have it made.no rules,no responsibility,no bills.now nobody to get in the way of that.everything is handed to em

granny goose's picture

Brian, I am sorry for all the

Brian, I am sorry for all the pain that you must be going through, having your wife treat you so unjustly and coldly. However, she has made it plain that her lazy, entitled children are her priority. You are going to suffer for a while but believe me, you are better off without this woman and her useless spawn.

I am horrified that your wife allowed her son to rape a youngster of 13/14! And yes, it constitutes statutory rape according to law when an adult has sex with a minor. Your rapist SS should be in jail! If the girl's parents get wind of SS's behaviour and decide to get litigious, SS is in for a world of hurt and he DESERVES to be!

There are a multitude of good women out there yearning for a single man. Once you get over your misery, you will find someone who cares for you; just make sure to find one with no children!

anotherstep2's picture

Actually any adult who

Actually any adult who provided a place for it to happen and is now covering up the crime is an accessory - either before or after the fact - according to the criminal code in my state. States vary but the statutes relating to sexual assault of minors tend to be pretty uniform. If it ever came to light that this happened - as in the girl's parents going to the police - and it comes out that the OP and his wife were aware of what happened and took no action, they could be prosecuted themselves.

You are in a bad situation, OP. When you lay down with dogs, you get up with fleas. These people are dragging you down. Best for you to be gone as soon as you possibly can.

Brian1876's picture

He was caught and arrested.he

He was caught and arrested.he served no jail time at all.nothing.parents didn't push it.his mother made excuses for him.its pathetic

granny goose's picture

Very well said, Dad'swife!

Very well said, Dad'swife!

SMforever's picture

Sad to say, but you will be

Sad to say, but you will be better off without this mess, and it sounds like your wife isn't very respectful of the relationship at all. I know there are always two sides to a story, and none of us are perfect. She sounds like a control freak.

Her ploy of asking for a divorce sounds like a drama queen escalating her attempts at control. Don't feed her attention-seeking, just lawyer up and get out as cheaply as possible.

I would predict that if you go ahead and get them out of your house, or divorce and force a sale, within a year you will have found peace and quiet, a new direction, and very likely a good woman to keep you company. Life is too short to put up with the users who are on your payroll.

My DH has adult kids who keep trying to ease back into our home. One SS even had the gall the ask if he and his new GF could stay in our house while we were away on vacation! We had never even met the GF. Oh, and they wanted to "borrow" DH's sportscar. I just advised him to make sure they were insured ... Turns out they weren't so I hid the keys to the cars before we left, turned off the furnace and hot water, locked up our laptops, and emptied the fridge completely. Our house gets wicked cold without heat. I also disabled the wifi and the satellite TV. If they "visited" I bet it wasn't much fun. I even left dirty sheets on the bed and locked the linen closet. Sometimes skids need a clear message. So do their gullible parents!

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Best thing I've read in a

Best thing I've read in a while!! I am crushing hard on you!

Stepped in what momma's picture

This is the best laugh I've

This is the best laugh I've had all day- Love it!

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

still learning's picture

Omigod, you totally rock !

Omigod, you totally rock Cool !

And now I'll do what's best for me.

Brian1876's picture

You're right,there's always

You're right,there's always two sides to any story..I'll be the first to admit I'm far from perfect and like anyone else I've made my mistakes.the difference between me n her was I didn't tuck tail and abandon my marriage every time I got mad,didn't get my way or got my feelings hurt.in fact I've had several reasons to walk away but always chose my marriage.in fact I married her twice.same problem both times.she had her brother attack me w a pipe just so she could steal my car(last time).very car she gave to her daughter who still lives off her.she betrayed me with my ex from many years ago etc.the first time I walked away w nothing to be the bigger person n she's pissed I won't do it again..when I came back I added 400 square feet to the house,I put a shop on the property and put down hard wood floors.i also bought her a new car which is upside down over 6,000 she stuck me with etc and she wants me to walk away with nothing and her be liable for nothing.shes so sneaky and evil.she even had me thrown in jail for the stupidest crap just to bully me into giving her everything

anotherstep2's picture

You don't have to "walk away

You don't have to "walk away with nothing." Please get a place for yourself to live in and then consult an attorney. Make sure to get all the papers you need to show ownership of anything you own either yourself or jointly with her. And get out anything personal that you want to make sure you keep because you will never be able to get back in once you insist on a division of property.

If you already walked away once with nothing, you now know better. You know there is no point in being "the nice guy." If you allow yourself to be bullied again, you will never be able to look yourself in the eye.

Brian1876's picture

I worked full time,cleaned

I worked full time,cleaned house every weekend,cooked most night yet grown kids did nothing and paid nothing and had more say in my home than I did!!! Not to mention I spoiled her.there wasn't a night went by I didn't rub her back and hair till she fell asleep.yet I was always treated like the outsider

ChiefGrownup's picture

Wow. I missed the part about

Wow. I missed the part about the statutory rape the first time I read through.

Deal breaker for me.

File if you haven't already. Wash your hands of this den of dysfunction. Who wants to be around any of them at all?

Schikdrenwhuch: Hansel and Gretel Blue Plate Special. -- Taushalove

I could smell the GUBM sulfur spewing from her cloven hooves eons ago. -- Ladyface

SugarSpice's picture

people in our situation can

people in our situation can either choose to leave or suck it up. each action has its pros and cons.

i have decided to suck it up for awhile due to personal reasons. in the meantime, i watch detached from the sidelines as the skids make total disasters of their lives from their stupid choices. what can be more satisfacttory to witness the time the kar ma truck runs them over?

granny goose's picture

Please, Brian, Do not let the

Please, Brian,

Do not let the sun go down tomorrow without your having consulted an attorney. This woman and her spawn have taken such outrageous advantage of you that I feel like giving you a good granny shake! Man up!

You've been unhappy for too long and it doesn't have to be this way. Respect yourself! Stick up for yourself! As anotherstep2 mentioned, you do NOT have to walk away with nothing. To your wife and her toxic spawn, you are just a sucker with a wallet and you know this.

We are all here to listen and encourage you. If you need to vent or want advice, we are all happy to oblige. Take care of yourself.

(((((Hugs))))))

Brian1876's picture

Thanks.i got an attorney and

Thanks.i got an attorney and a good one.she pissed I won't lay down and get screwed like I did before

ChiefGrownup's picture

Brian, that's great news! We

Brian, that's great news! We are all rooting for you. So glad you are taking steps to get out and to protect your interests. Way to go!

Schikdrenwhuch: Hansel and Gretel Blue Plate Special. -- Taushalove

I could smell the GUBM sulfur spewing from her cloven hooves eons ago. -- Ladyface

grace8205's picture

I got to the point when I had

I got to the point when I had enough of my skid who was 20 at the time not following the rules and having no respect. My DH always promised to enforce the rules "this time". Then one day when I discovered $300 worth of pot in our house (have a very strict no drug rule, I do not want that around my kid and DH is very anti-drugs), yet again, I was done. That was the third time for the same offence, DH kept telling me he would kick him out if it happened again.

When I found the pot for the 3rd time, I disposed of it (so DH could not give it back, because he would) and then calmly told DH, that we should not live together until he was ready to have his son launch. He could move out with his 20yo son and I would wait one year for him to get him squared away to live independently and if it is not done in one year I would wait no more and it will be over. I did not raise my voice, stated this matter of fact, and there was no tears.

DH gave skid notice (30 days) that night and said the notice will be void if he breaks another rule or is not respectful. Skid only lasted less than a week of the notice and was out.

I guess the difference is that my DH does value our marriage, where I don't think your wife does or ever did. At least you know and are not being strung along and you can move on. Sorry it did not work out for you.

grace8205's picture

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Acratopotes's picture

Make sure that divorce goes

Make sure that divorce goes through quickly.... they've been using you for years.

If it's your house and in your name only, give DW and span notice to leave, get them removed by the people in blue if you have to. Cut all ties to these spongers, get all your information ready for the divorce, that means go back into your financials since the day you got married and proof she never contributed much to the house hold expenses, house payments or what ever.... this will only help you

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

CANYOUHELP's picture

There is no excuse for the

There is no excuse for the lack of respect by your wife and her lazy children. She has enabled them to be what they are, now she has to deal with the product of her ineffective parenting; they always do.

You, however do not, they get out, or she and they can all get out and you can move on to somebody who respects your feelings and generosity.

Rags's picture

She is the one who filed so

She is the one who filed so go for the jugular. Rekey the looks, put her on the curb, and let her learn that her kids won't be there for her.

Any divorce is a sad thing but ... good riddance to her and her toxic crotch nuggets. Move on with your life and don't look back.

Take care of you.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags