101Stepmom101's picture

BIO MOM CONTACTED BEFORE I WAS WHEN A CAR ACCIDENT HAPPENED

Bio mom was called before I was when my husband got into a small accident on his way taking the kids to school. I am only their Step Mother. But I am his wife. I'm upset. Am I just overreacting? or do I have a right to be upset that I was not #1?

sunshinex's picture

If his kids are in the car

If his kids are in the car and she's fairly involved in their life, she deserves to be contacted first. She shouldn't be put into a position of hearing it from someone else, which is probably what he was trying to avoid. You can't always be number one, especially when kids are involved... Their parents need to know they're safe first and foremost.

anotherstep2's picture

Who placed the call? You DH,

Who placed the call? You DH, the police, medical personnel? Was anyone injured and if so, who?

advice.only's picture

Exactly, who made the call,

Exactly, who made the call, if it was the DH, he was probably only thinking about the kids at that moment and wanted to let BM know that the kids were okay.

—

Call me Chardonay

101Stepmom101's picture

It was a slight fender

It was a slight fender bender. No one was hurt. Thank goodness. My husband made the phone calls ~ Police, Bio mom, then me (His wife)

sunshinex's picture

If you had a child and split

If you had a child and split up with your husband, and those kids were in a car accident, would you not be pissed off if your ex's new wife was called before you? He has an obligation to report that they're safe to their bio mother. In most instances, I think men need to put their current wife first, but in this instance, I'd agree he did the right thing.

If bio mom isn't very involved and you do most of the parenting with him, than he should be calling YOU first. But if she's an involved parent, she gets the call before you.

downsouthinTX's picture

because the kids were in the

because the kids were in the car thats the right order.
if no kids...police then you

if he is in a wreck in route to pick up the kids then again it might be police, bio mom, then you....why? because shes sitting with kids waiting for him to show up and not showing up on time is against his court order and contempt.
he doesnt have a court order with his wife to where if he doesnt call her first he can face legal consequences.

twoviewpoints's picture

This is as far as I read as

This is as far as I read as far, so don't know yet what all has been said.

Per the original post, DH was on way taking kids to school. Then clarified as a slight fender bender.

Yes, with school children in car who could be taken on to school and were not any in way injured, their mother seems to be obvious first contact. 'BM come get the kids, they are find, I'm at x with a very minor accident which will hold me up'. Then police to get things rolling and then you. All in all less than probably a minute.

Be thankful accident was a slight fender bender. That everyone is ok. In such a minor event, it would not occur to me to ask 'Husband, who did you call first?' or to be upset to find out BM was called to take her children. Being in minor accident with no injuries, car still drivable , what would be the sense in first and foremost reporting in to his wife?

For this small occurrence to set wrong with you, I'll assume there are numerous other little and big things that make you feel left out and/or coming in second. Those times may be legitimate concerns to discuss with your husband. No one should feel they don't count or aren't important . Steplife can be a wobbly rope walk at times and SMs need to feel they can express their feelings to their husbands.

101Stepmom101's picture

I would want him to tell her

I would want him to tell her for sure. Just makes me feel 2nd I guess. Like I'm your wife that's your EX WIFE. I should of been notified 1st.

sunshinex's picture

Unfortunately in this

Unfortunately in this scenario you're not first, you're second, because the livelihood of the kids is a matter that's more important to BM than you.

SuperJew's picture

What if he had someone else's

What if he had someone else's kids in the car instead? Their parents should be notified before you. Your DH is an adult and was ok. The kids are the responsibility of another adult and that adult deserves to have timely information about their well-being. This wasn't a wife issue, it was a parenting one.

—

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

downsouthinTX's picture

who called her? the kids

who called her?
the kids because they were in the car?...then they called their mom because THEY were in the car accident.
its up to your husband to call you.

if kids are young and didn't call mom its because the safety and concern of the children come first. if DH was incapacitated to take care of the kids following the accident and the kids were fine then BIO MOM would be the one that needs to come and take them. NOT step mom.

if whoever made the call was using a call list(first point of contact/next of kin) on paperwork filled out AND bio mom was called then maybe your DH hasn't changed it from BIO MOM to you.

SuperJew's picture

Because DH is an adult. The

Because DH is an adult. The kids are kids.

—

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

sunshinex's picture

But the problem is, calling

But the problem is, calling his wife because she insecurely wants to be the first called doesn't seem fair to BM. I know if those were my kids in the car with my ex, I'd want to be the first to know that they were in an accident. Especially considering even if they're okay, kids get shaken up over things like that pretty easily. If I found out I was second to the new wife, I'd be having a pretty heated talk with my ex about who birthed those kids and who worries about them all the time.

The fact is, stepmoms rarely worry about their kids as much as the woman who birthed them does. She deserves to know first.

downsouthinTX's picture

if they were my kids in the

if they were my kids in the accident they would be calling me first while their dad was on the phone with the cops.

and i imagine it would vice versa if i was a in a wreck with the kids.

"The fact is, stepmoms rarely worry about their kids as much as the woman who birthed them does."<- this made me LOL

Stepped in what momma's picture

I agree 100% with Diane123.

I agree 100% with Diane123. Had the kids been hurt then call BM first but everyone was fine so you first call current wife then call past mistake. I have no issue with kids first and they should be if there is something to report and exactly right Diane, how will BM know who was called in what order?

—

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

GRITSinAL's picture

Agree with Diane, and I am a

Agree with Diane, and I am a SM and a BM. Since this was a minor fender bender, the wife should have been called first and not the EX. If someone had been hurt, I would be absolutely fine with the EX being called first. In this incident, that was not the case. Now, I wouldnt say anything to my husband about it because likely he would not understand these feelings etc., but yes in this case I would be hurt and it would make me feel 2nd since it is not like anyone was hurt etc.

—

Kiss my grits

zerostepdrama's picture

Agree with Diane. Had it been

Agree with Diane.

Had it been me, DH would be my first call. Then Ex.

—

"I don't take stuff personal from a person who doesn't know me personally."

"It so doesn't matter who likes us... WE like Us."
-Pom Pom Squad

Willow2010's picture

I also agree with Diane.

I also agree with Diane.

101Stepmom101's picture

Diane is 100% correct. Bio

Diane is 100% correct. Bio mom would be SOOOO mad if he had told me 1st and He knows she would ask the kids if he called me 1st. He would of never heard the end of it.... I don't mind at all that he told her. She should know. But, since it was minor. I think I should of been contacted 1st ~ I AM THE WIFE. We discussed it and he is sorry it hurt my feelings and if the situation happens again he will make sure to call me 1st. Or so he says... lol Laughing out loud Thank you for all your input and listening to me vent! Smiling

DanielleR's picture

I agree, I expect the person

I agree, I expect the person I share my life with to call me first. DH absolutely would, probably even if skids were hurt because I am his support system. I am the first one he turns to. We share our lives together, his mind would not immediately go to concern for BM and he would probably have to work up the nerve to deal with the psycho.

SuperJew's picture

dup!!

dup!!

—

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

Tuff Noogies's picture

take a deep breath. this is

take a deep breath. this is incredibly minor. absolutely tell him that it hurt your feelings, then let it go.

—

"I am the nicest person you will ever meet until you try to f*ck over somebody I love. Then? I'm your worst f'ing nightmare." - Former.

Famuky is looming at me ark.

"His eyes said different though...."

101Stepmom101's picture

True. Thank you. I'm just

True. Thank you. I'm just hurt about it and it is very minor. I think everything is just building up and I'm ready to explode.

sunshinex's picture

Is there more to this than

Is there more to this than you've led on? Is he putting her first in other areas or talking to her first about non-parenting issues?

SuperJew's picture

I was going to ask that, too.

I was going to ask that, too. It seems like this is just the icing on the cake.

—

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

101Stepmom101's picture

Not to get off topic ~ BUT ~

Not to get off topic ~ BUT ~ There is sooo much to our lives... We have been married for a year and she refuses to meet me or acknowledge I exist. If I was her ~ I would want to know who my children were spending time with.
She has all these rules for me. (Not that I obey) But, she feels the need to micromanage the time Bio Dad (My husband) and I have with the children. It has gotten better. But she still has control. I am not allowed to take them to school. She doe not want me to take them to the store without my husband (Bio Dad). She tells him ~ she thinks they will think I am their mom. I'm not allowed to be at the children's events because she does not want to be in the same room with me. I am not the reason they divorced. She cheated on my husband with his best friend (they are together and have two more kids) that happened long before I met him. I have tried to say hello to her when we pick up the kids. She has told me not to speak and or ignores me. I have to bite my tongue because the children are there and I just want to shake her and tell her to grow up and we all have the same goal to have these kids grow up to be happy healthy adults! She tries to not involve me in anything and everything that involves their lives which is not fair to them or us. She has a 2 hour rule. The kids can not be alone with me for more that 2 hours. I honestly don't know what she thinks will happen to them if it's 2 hours and 5 minutes! I would understand If I was a crackhead or something but I am not. I am very stable and I don't use drugs or drink. Life is so frustrating. I'm not allowed to text the children she has blocked me from their phones and ipads because she doe not want to see me tell them I love them or them tell me they love me. She has the kids say they only want Bio Mom and Bio Dad to come to this or that. Which I know is pressured from her. Which puts my husband in a spot and he just ends up not going to just stay out of the situation but that's not fair to the kids or him or me. I guess sometimes I feel like he is trying to please her over me.... not always but sometimes.

sunshinex's picture

Okay.... So the problem is,

Okay.... So the problem is, DH obviously hasn't put BM in her place. She needs to be told that you are a part of his and the kids life regardless of what she wants. I highly doubt she has any legal right to be determining who her kids can be near when they're with their father. Have you talked to him about this before? Have you told him how it makes you feel?

downsouthinTX's picture

"We have been married for a

"We have been married for a year and she refuses to meet me or acknowledge I exist."
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not be one of those women.

if she gives all these rules and you choose to follow them or your husband chooses to follow him then you have no one to blame but yourselves.
she is going to keep doing it for as long as she knows DH is scared of her and she can control him.

if you dont follow them then you are doing great.

dont do anything thats not in the court order.

you guys need to learn to take it all with a grain of salt and learn to laugh it off as "thats looney tooney BM for you!" (among yourselves of course-never with kids present)
until you do you will always be angry at BM for "controlling" your lives.

HRNYC's picture

Well 1. Nope, the mom does

Well

1. Nope, the mom does not have to meet her.

2. OP should not be calling or texting the stepkids when they are at moms, absent an emergency. Not to say I love you.

3. If a public event, she can go. It may piss off the mom, if it pisses off the kids, a bigger problem

4. 2 hours is a very ROFR where I live, but some may get it.

I can't tell how these problems started. It sounds to me that OP thinks she gets to be an equal parent (we all love these kids and want the same things). Usually doesn't happen, and the attitude may come off as overstepping.

sunshinex's picture

Well, in all honesty, how

Well, in all honesty, how much of her trying to be an equal parent is her own fault? Does DH expect her to pick up/drop off the kids? babysit? etc? If so, that's more of a conversation DH and OP need to have... He can't expect things of her if BM shoots her down constantly. That's a lose-lose situation for OP and I'm not surprised there's resentment.

HRNYC's picture

I agree with that. Some here

I agree with that. Some here would regard the rules as good ones (not dumping kids on her)

downsouthinTX's picture

yes some SM would be very

yes some SM would be very thankful to not have to deal with the step kids.
they would probably want to be BMs friend at that point LOL
"thank you BM for not pawning your kids on me or making me do DH's or your job!"

sunshinex's picture

That's what I'm thinking!!

That's what I'm thinking!! That would be lovely. BM tells DH everything is sunshinex's obligation because I took her kid from her... She adamantly believes SD is my responsibility now.

Aniki's picture

"...some SM would be very

"...some SM would be very thankful to not have to deal with the step kids..."

MEEEEEE!!!!!

—

"I feel like I'm reading food erotica. Fifty Shades of Aniki's Wine and Dinner." ~Gimlet

"StepMothers Day? No thanks. I'd rather get all hepped up about Colonoscopy Day. Infinitely more enjoyable." ~Echo

sunshinex's picture

honestly I'd use this to your

honestly I'd use this to your advantage LOL i'd tell DH "sorry I can't do anything with your kids BM will get upset and you don't stick up for me so i'm gonna go take a loooong bath with a glass of wine, than go out afterwards until your kids are gone"

Smiling

That's exactly how i'd do things

Aniki's picture

A long bath with a BOTTLE of

A long bath with a BOTTLE of wine... Cool

—

"I feel like I'm reading food erotica. Fifty Shades of Aniki's Wine and Dinner." ~Gimlet

"StepMothers Day? No thanks. I'd rather get all hepped up about Colonoscopy Day. Infinitely more enjoyable." ~Echo

sunshinex's picture

Even better

Even better Eye-wink

hereiam's picture

As long as she is allowed to

As long as she is allowed to dictate all of this, it will continue. Unless all of that is in a legally binding document, your husband needs to stand up to her and ignore her ridiculous demands.

She sounds like a nutcase.

ETA: I would have no problem not taking kids to school or not being alone with them or whatever but BM's statement, 'She tells him ~ she thinks they will think I am their mom', just sounds nuts. She just wants to be controlling and is apparently very insecure.

downsouthinTX's picture

is he one of "THOSE"?

is he one of "THOSE"?

smomofone's picture

Wow that is pretty Fked up. I

Wow that is pretty Fked up. I mean, I can picture this coming from a BM but his family too! I am sorry you went through that.

I agree with you, this is such a non issue in regards to the OP's post. But there seems to be way more going on than just this.

sunshinex's picture

I totally understand why

I totally understand why you're upset though. It's hard getting used to being put second in some situations, but it's only natural. Those kids have a mother and it's not you. Their mother needs to be kept in the loop on certain things before you do, and it's naturally going to be hurtful but you've always gotta try to understand where he's coming from. Sometimes we forget that steplife is an awkward thing for our DHs too. The good ones do try to make things work without being hurtful but they have obligations to their kids and even BM sometimes.

hereiam's picture

I would focus on what is

I would focus on what is REALLY going on in your relationship.

BethAnne's picture

Your husband couldn't win

Your husband couldn't win could he? Someone had to be called first. Personally I think it was a minor issue and unless he needed your help or the children required medical attention or would be late for school then it was not urgent that he contacted anyone. It sucks that our spouses are still tied to their ex's but unfortunately that is the way it is.

Stepped in what momma's picture

He could have won, nothing

He could have won, nothing was wrong with the kids so the one you live with is the one you call.

—

Ain't going to lie- skids make me want to poke myself in the eye

Peridwen's picture

Wow. I guess my DH didn't

Wow. I guess my DH didn't have a strong enough reaction when he found out from the kids a week later that BM first got in a fender bender with the kids in the car and earlier had slid off the road into the ditch with the kids in the car. BM never called since no one was hurt. While DH would have appreciated a text - no one was hurt! What danger were the kids really in FFS? By the way, BM did call when SD slipped off the neighbor's trampoline and twisted her knee just like DH called when SS fell out of a tree and smacked his head. They do call each other when the kids are hurt. Neither thought an incident when neither child was hurt constituted a call to the other parent.

IF the kids were injured I agree with calling BM first. As they weren't the only reason for contacting BM in OP's case would be to tell her the kids were going to be late for school if indeed they were late.

OP - I get that you were hurt and it's ok to feel that way. And you should talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. But while I disagree with most posters about how "right" it was to contact BM first, it does seem to be a minor issue. Maybe just ask him to send you a text before he calls BM next time, something like 'I'll feel better if you just send me a text saying you're all ok but you were in an accident and you'll call me with details soon.'

—

**************************************

"I'm not 'using' you to get work finished. I'm using the work to get you finished. Now set the table." - TwoOfUs's Mom

101Stepmom101's picture

The "Rules" BM puts on me ~

The "Rules" BM puts on me ~ just puts the kids in a position, the bio dad in a position and doesn't allow Blended family life to flow as it naturally would and should. The children think they are not allowed to do things with me. And or she makes them feel guilty if they do. It's terrible and very manipulative on every level. I think she is pure evil. She goes out of her way to make life difficult. My husband and I have discussed these things over and over and have been to therapy. It did help. But, it has not all been resolved. My husband is very scared she will turn the children on him so he tries to just stay clear of a situation where it would involve both of us getting together. She is constantly telling my husband that he chooses me over them and that he loves me and my son (From a previous Marriage) more than he loves his own children. Constantly bulling him... And I know the children are around when she is speaking to him like this. They hear everything. It is terrible for them. She also refuses to put them in Therapy. I'm sure because she is afraid of what they will say about HER.

HRNYC's picture

"Blended family life to flow

"Blended family life to flow as it naturally would and should" ???? You got to be kidding me. You have been a stepmom for how long, and you think you know how things should be? She may be wrong, but if you took that attitude with me, I would tell you to stick it.

lucy91's picture

Exactly. HRNYC just has a

Exactly. HRNYC just has a problem with stepmothers in general. OP should ignore her.

101Stepmom101's picture

How should it be? Please do

How should it be? Please do tell me. Should i hide in my room and not care or what to spend time with them? I don't think she should be dictating what we can and can not do. When it is his court ordered time with the children He is responsible for who they are with and what they do. He makes good judgements as he would expect her to do. I think our blended family should flow. But, because the kids know mom doesn't want me to run to the store with step mom they don't because shes got them warped and they don't want to get in trouble with her. It upsets me that we are not a part of their school events or soccer or gymnastics. I don't want them growing up thinking I never cared or wanted to be a part of their life. This is a struggle with my husband and I. He would rather keep us away from her drama and keep the kids safe from her crazy abuse that would follow after it would happen. He's afraid of her tornado. I'm not. and I think once we do it ~ It will be come normal and she will just have to get over it. She is the one that ruined their marriage and yet I'm being treated like the bad guy. I think I should be and want to be an active part of their lives.

101Stepmom101's picture

EXACTLY! xoxo

EXACTLY! xoxo

HRNYC's picture

I see you are in NY. So am I.

I see you are in NY. So am I. If needed, judges will read a step parent the stepparent, typically the stepmom a lecture. You are not a parent. Yes, on his time, HE is responsible. Not YOU. If dad is not part of their school life, that is on him. I would suggest he is caught between you too. I don't understand your run to the store comment, can't you go to the store and have him stay with the kids?

lucy91's picture

Hey HRNYC, how often does

Hey HRNYC, how often does your husband have his kids? I would love to hear how you make your family work perfectly.

HRNYC's picture

Every other weekend, and if

Every other weekend, and if someone tells me I don't have to do something, I don't.

lucy91's picture

Only every other weekend? Why

Only every other weekend? Why is your husband such a bad father? He should move next door and see them everyday. At least according to you right?

Does this also mean your husband spends more time with your kids than his? How dare he? Your poor stepkids.

I'm being sarcastic by the way..

DanielleR's picture

You sure you didn't

You sure you didn't copy/paste from previous posts lol

HRNYC's picture

In NY, it is very easy to get

In NY, it is very easy to get ROFR. Will it be for two hours? Unlikely, but possible. She can dictate that if dad not there, she gets the time.

101Stepmom101's picture

She tried to get ROFR for Two

She tried to get ROFR for Two hours and the judge laughed at her. My husband agreed to 4 hours. BUT of course. She does not follow the ROFR of 4 hours. She passes the kids to her mom or father or sister or brother without asking BIO Dad if he would like to spend extra time with them. BUT, I can't take them to Target or the Grocery Store? REALLY? It's a control thing and It's not fair to anyone. Trust me .... give me a rule from a grown woman who has not respect for me ~ and I'm wanting to break it every day! But, sometimes sadly it is easier just to avoid the Drama and hurt with these poor kids dealing with her crazy.

HRNYC's picture

Does he want to spend more

Does he want to spend more time with his kids? He should complain.

101Stepmom101's picture

YES, I am a step parent that

YES, I am a step parent that would like to be a part of my step children's lives. The only reason she has is because she doesn't want me to be. She does not know me nor want to. Maybe she should of thought of that before she cheated on her husband (mine now) and ruined their marriage. THE STORE THING ~ She does not want him to let me take the kids to the store without him. She thinks they will think I am their mother and she has told him this. It used to be she didn't want him running to the store without taking them with him ~ if needed anything from the store. We got past that for the most part ~ then she wanted to be notified if he did when he left the house and when he got back home if he did. He sometimes tells her he sometimes does not an she gets mad if he does not so sometimes it's just easier to tell her. Then to have her yell at him about things ~ It's completely stupid.

lucy91's picture

Please don't defend yourself

Please don't defend yourself to HRNYC. She has..issues.

Your bm sounds like a crackpot and I would be equally frustrated in your shoes. I would just ignore her and operate how you want to. You guys are giving her too much power over your lives.

Llilac's picture

Yes totally! I would flip out

Yes totally! I would flip out as well! But I think my DH would go off the deep end before i would have to.

I think it's very odd OP that your husband goes along with these crazy demands. No judge is going to slap him on the hands for leaving his kids in their home with their stepmother or going with stepmom to the grocery store!

HRNYC's picture

I think there is a difference

I think there is a difference between being in your stepchildrens' lives (your clearly are) and wanting to be another parent, being treated the same as the actual parents, which you seem to want. I don't think the latter comes easily, if at all. Your DH may have spoken to his attorney, and his attorney may have told him that if he does not agree to this, she may go for a formal ROFR. How old are these kids? Is there some reason he cannot handle them?

FruitSalad704's picture

She doesn't have to get to

She doesn't have to get to know you, and she doesn't have to like you. Neither one of those things have anything to do with why her marriage to your DH didn't work out. She obviously doesn't want you doing anything that remotely resembles parenting her kids. She has a right to her feelings regardless of whether anyone else agrees with her or not.

How old are these children? If you posted it, I missed it.

—

More cowbell. We need more cowbell.

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

goingcrazy00's picture

BM has 2 hr ROFR and she

BM has 2 hr ROFR and she literally had my name put in the CO that I am not to have unsupervised contact with the kids. (The hate is that intense!) The latter was something she would not budge on and allow for everything to be finalized. Lawyer advised SO that he should agree to get it over with (such a long, drawn out divorce) and that they could revisit that at a later time. Well, imagine how miserable that makes our lives. I feel your pain and frustration!

But yeah the whole checking in with BM thing is just as loony...that wouldn't fly one bit. It's enough the kids go report to BM everything they see and hear.

101Stepmom101's picture

It's so crazy... all of it.

It's so crazy... all of it. I'm so sorry. I really don't understand what she would think could or would happen if I am alone with them over 2 hours. Will the blow up? It's perfectly fine if she has her friends and family have them longer than that. But no one in his family is "ALLOWED" It's not just me. And there is no valid reason other than she is being difficult.

goingcrazy00's picture

We deal with the exact same

We deal with the exact same double standard. It's bizarre. It's somehow justified in their minds though.

downsouthinTX's picture

why is he standing there or

why is he standing there or taking calls from BM to allow her to speak to him that way-in front of the kids no less?

when people treat you poorly they dont deserve to speak to you and have you answer their phone calls.
he should just walk away or not answer the phone.
she can email or text. and vice versa.

no need for him to put himself in a position or place for any of that to happen.

kids can talk to guidance counselors at school for free during school hours.

HRNYC's picture

This I agree with, limited

This I agree with, limited need for phone calls. Most issues should be email or text. Dad should get involved in school, not rely on ex for information.

101Stepmom101's picture

Actually It gets worse. She

Actually It gets worse. She won't text or email him because she knows I will see it. They went from being on the phone hours and hours 10- 20 times a day ~ to 1-2 5 to 10 min conversations a day now. Not like if they do talk he doesn't tell me what it is about ~ She truly is CRAZY ~ We have been through so much...

HRNYC's picture

Well your reading the texts

Well your reading the texts and emails certainly exacerbated the situation. You have yourself to blame for that. I see two women battling for control.

lucy91's picture

You see women as the problem

You see women as the problem every time regardless.

HRNYC's picture

No. There are a lot of women

No. There are a lot of women here who go about their own business and don't look for trouble. OP has been married a year, and to me it looks like she wants to be another parent. Doesn't always work like that.

lucy91's picture

I'm sure you may be ok with

I'm sure you may be ok with your husband's ex-wife controlling your lives but that doesn't mean everyone is.

It's weird how you find one detail and just latch onto that like a dog with a bone and just keep hounding people incessantly. Is seeing the bigger picture that difficult for you?

Also, why is your awful husband only seeing his kids every other weekend?

101Stepmom101's picture

What I am saying is she knows

What I am saying is she knows I might be sitting next to him if she texts or emails so I would see her message. She actually makes the kids go outside to call her so I can't hear their conversations. I'm not making this up... she's nuts. I KNOW i am not an equal parent. BUT I am married to their father and I want to be a part of their lives and know they are loved by all. Bio mom OUTS me any chance she can. She has a new husband that is part of their lives and that is perfectly fine with my husband and I. And he is the man that broke up their marriage. They are friendly to each other.

HRNYC's picture

And how do you know she had

And how do you know she had an affair? Because he told you? What do you mean she "outs" you?

101Stepmom101's picture

It is not a secret. He told

It is not a secret. He told me and so did her new husbands Ex Wife. He was also married at the time to someone else. She will not let me be at any of their events soccer... gymnastics.. etc. or any school function. Basically anything she will be at I am not allowed to attend.

HRNYC's picture

How can she stop you?

How can she stop you?

downsouthinTX's picture

BM super powers. you just

BM super powers.
you just have to engage them.

dont you have those HRNYC?

now unless she has a restraining order on you then you can go anywhere. use the phrase a lot of kids like to use "its a free country"

if she takes your presence at kid events out on the kids with punishments etc then thats something your DH needs to address.

SuperJew's picture

I agree HRNYC. These two

I agree HRNYC. These two women are butting heads and the DH is spineless.

—

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

sunshinex's picture

I would just focus on your

I would just focus on your child and stop worrying about his kids to be honest. Many of us SMs would LOVE for BM to tell DH we don't have to do anything with his kids! Don't worry at all about them... they're not yours and they're not any of your responsibility as BM has made clear.

Llilac's picture

Sounds like a fender bender?

Sounds like a fender bender? Yep my husband would totally call or at least text me first and I'd expect him to.

101Stepmom101's picture

Children are 8 & 12

Children are 8 & 12

SuperJew's picture

And if this was a BM, she

And if this was a BM, she would be angry if the SM got a call first. Who needs a call more, the mother of minor children or a grown ass woman who can wait 5 minutes to hear that her grown ass husband was ok after a fender bender that she hadn't even known about?

If it happened near school, you can bet that someone already texted BM about it and she would have had a fit if there was a delay in DH calling to update her on her own children.

I admit, I am a little neurotic when it comes to info that BM gets about my husband and my home. I will not, however, EVER begrudge the woman timely info about her kids. That's just common decency.

—

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

SuperJew's picture

And there it is! Thanks.

And there it is! Thanks.Smiling

—

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

HRNYC's picture

LOL, mine would tell me when

LOL, mine would tell me when he wanted help getting car to body shop

WalkOnBy's picture

My husband has been in two

My husband has been in two minor fender benders, neither of which were his fault, and I found out many days later when we were getting in his car and I said "hey what happened to your car."

If it was minor, and no one was hurt, I really don't see what the big deal is about making phone calls at all.

If I got rear ended on my way to work, and I wasn't hurt, I don't think I would call my husband right away.

My kids were in a rather serious car accident with their stepmother when they were younger. I am fairly certain she called Asshat first and then called me. Of course, I had no way of knowing who she called before me.

It wouldn't have mattered to me who got called first. What mattered to me was that the kids were safe.

I feel like this is much ado about absolutely nothing

—

Reading...it's fundamental

yolo222's picture

Minor fender bender and no

Minor fender bender and no one was hurt. The wife should have been called first.

HRNYC's picture

uh, so he is there exchanging

uh, so he is there exchanging paperwork, and kids are in car. Are they going to be late for school or activity? If yes, first call should be to mom, can you come get them. And given one is 12, I would want to call her before the kid did.

Llilac's picture

Why? Are they hurt in the

Why? Are they hurt in the fender bender or hysterical and needed their mom? That I would understand. Was his car ok to drive them? It takes maybe 15 minutes to exchange info and take a couple photos. He should call and have her come get them and show up while he's getting back into the car? Dad has more than enough time to tell his wife and ex. Now if it had been an accident where the child is hurt or upset, that is a different story. I can't see anyone arguing that.

HRNYC's picture

it depends. Either party can

it depends. Either party can call police, and then you really have to exchange information, give your side, to police. It can take a while.

MrsZipper's picture

I was in a fender bender a

I was in a fender bender a few months ago. It took over an hour for everything to get wrapped up. If this was on the way to school he should call BM first so she can get them and they won't have to go in late.

I called DH while I was waiting but if it was DH in the fender bender he wouldn't even mention it until he got home.

Llilac's picture

I was in one a few months ago

I was in one a few months ago as well. It took 15 minutes to wrap up.

yolo222's picture

No one is hurt. Bio mom can

No one is hurt. Bio mom can wait 3 minutes until the guy calls HIS WIFE. BM can wait. Why would that be an issue. Really. Are u serious hrnyc?? How long does it take to call your spouse ? Two minutes. Yes. He should have called his effin wife. These men are ridiculous with their bms. It's this type of thing that makes a wife feel abandoned in a way and like there is no place for her. I strongly disagree with u hrnyc. But u are entitled to your opinion.

SuperJew's picture

Explain, please, why DH

Explain, please, why DH should have called OP about the fender bender? I do t mean "first " or "second". Why did he need to call his wife at all about it?

—

"u ashole u think ur new condo is so great..." -Medusa via WOB

yolo222's picture

Why would he call his ex wife

Why would he call his ex wife if the kids were not injured. They were fine. Ummmm usually husband and wife would communicate about this type of thing. Husband and ex wife would not. There was no emergency. But the car may have been damaged. Maybe that car is partially owned by the WIFE. Maybe the wife loves her hubby and would want to know. Maybe a wife would be helpful in offering a ride if needed Maybe the wife wants to know what is happening with HER husband and her car. Maybe if this guy wanted to call his ex wife when something this minor happened he should have stayed married to his ex. Generally if u get in an accident. First person u call is a spouse. Why would it be different just because one spouse has kids? Super Jew I will agree to disagree with u. I doubt that I could change your mind. These are just my thoughts.

HRNYC's picture

Per OP, they were on the way

Per OP, they were on the way to school. I suspect they will now be late. So now, the mother will see they were late on Dad's day. He should at least offer her the chance to stop by and pick them up. Now, maybe she cannot get there any quicker, but he should offer.

yolo222's picture

And BM couldn't wait two

And BM couldn't wait two minutes while husband calls his wife. Really??!???

twoviewpoints's picture

Exactly what is the need and

Exactly what is the need and rush to call his wife? Immediately. Before any one else including the police? It's a mild fender bender. No one is injured. What can OP do if called first? What purpose does it serve?

D*mn, some are taking this way tooooo serious. It's not like it's a must know emergency life/death incident.

Some are making this very minor incident sound like the guy was severely injured, being raced to ER , no children were in the car and on his dying breath guy grabbed his cell and called his exwife to let her know and whisper 'I will always looooove you'.

Ridiculous.

Peridwen's picture

What is the need and rush to

What is the need and rush to call BM? Some are acting like the kids were in some grand danger and OP was trying to hide it from BM. What exactly can BM do that the OP couldn't? Unless BM was really close to the scene of the accident in order to run over and take the kids to school while DH talks to the police, there's not much she can do either.

—

**************************************

"I'm not 'using' you to get work finished. I'm using the work to get you finished. Now set the table." - TwoOfUs's Mom

twoviewpoints's picture

To take the kids on to

To take the kids on to school. Why should the kids be late and just stand around on the roadway why business gets taken care of.

Some members here do not transport skid for various reasons. Mostly disengaged and have their own busy morning schedule. First person to bother with somebody worrying about them getting on to school should be the mother. The kids are BM's responsibility to look after if Dad is hung up.

I just can't imagine being in a marriage where I'd go through the day to day stuff with such insecure feelings as what the original post stated. 'Oh no, DH called BM before me'

The mother could take kids to school or make arrangements for the kids to be picked up. Many members here believe anything kid related if not their problem, but rather the parents problem. If OP happened to be at work herself, why would she clock out to go take skids to school?

ETA: Frankly, I can't imagine being an adult and not being able to get through a day of minor events without having to 'report in' to a wife or husband. I've been married 37yrs next month and I've never been so dependent on him that I must immediately report to him something like a minor fender bender. I'd get around to telling him eventually sometime throughout the day, but fricken immediately? Nope. I guess I've just never considered myself attached to his hip not being able to function on my own. *shrugs*

Peridwen's picture

How far away is BM? Like I

How far away is BM? Like I said in my original reply to you, unless BM was really close Dad probably would have been done with the whole report before BM even got there. I don't know about the BM in your case, but in ours BM would take 30-45 minutes to get over to the kids school. It'd be pointless for DH to call over getting the kids to school any earlier since for a minor fender bender the whole thing would be over and done with by then.

Honestly I don't think it's "dependent" to let your spouse know you were in a car accident but that no one was injured at the time of the accident. Unless you are in fender benders every day it's hardly having to 'report in'.

While I agree this is a minor incident, I think we may just have to agree to disagree on it. Unless this accident was less 'minor' than I am reading it I don't see a reason to immediately jump on the phone to contact BM. And since he did call OP about the accident at the time, OP's DH obviously doesn't subscribe to the 'get around to telling her eventually' method it would have been nice if he'd called her first. Especially given the OP does appear to have to put up with plenty of crap from BM already. I don't see a call to his wife lasting so long it would seriously impact BM's arrival time.

—

**************************************

"I'm not 'using' you to get work finished. I'm using the work to get you finished. Now set the table." - TwoOfUs's Mom

WalkOnBy's picture

If they were going to be late

If they were going to be late to school, I hope he would've call the school first.

I don't understand why everyone thinks these kids are special snowflakes. They weren't hurt. Who gives a shit the order in which people get notified?

—

Reading...it's fundamental

yolo222's picture

Keep that wife on the outside

Keep that wife on the outside of her own relationship and she will get sick of it an leave one day

Ram's picture

Diane123, do you realize your

Diane123, do you realize your profile says you are engaged to a 3 yr old? Lol!! Just telling you so you can fix it.

Gimlet's picture

LOL, I needed that laugh,

LOL, I needed that laugh, thank you.

—

"I've figured out people tell you take the high road because that's easier than it is make the assholes behave" -FruitSalad704

"Steplife is transformative, sort of like a crematorium" - exjuliemccoy

SugarSpice's picture

it may have something to do

it may have something to do with legality. technically you are not the childrens mother. i know its offensive but thats the way it is.

Acratopotes's picture

seriously..... DH had his

Jawdropping! seriously..... DH had his children with him in the car, he had a small fender bender... of course he should call the children's other parent first...... what makes you so special, a ring?

No Hon, you are not that special.... it's fine for DH to call the mother of the children first.... just make sure that you are his emergency contact on his medical insurance, hospital will call you first when it's serious.

Answer me this - would you have been angry if DH did not have a children with another woman, and was giving a niece a lift and called her parents before he called you? No I think not... you are just pissed cause it's BM and you have this competition with a woman who's not really part of your life

—

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

101Stepmom101's picture

How it happened was... He was

How it happened was... He was on the way to drop the kiddos off to school. Got in a minor fender bender. Called the cops. Called Her and I only know this because... He called me next and said they are all ok and I said do you need me to come pick up the kids and get them to school? And he said, "NO, Bio Mom is on her way." Which made me upset. We are suppose to be a team. I should be helping him and them. Not her.

BUT, She also has demands and rules. One of which is I'm not allowed to drop them off at school. She doesn't want me to be able to do anything with them/for them without my husband there also. I think it's completely stupid that I'm not allowed to take my step children to school. I think once it happened/happens she will have to get over it. But he doesn't like making her angry. She's crazy. Again I posted this in the tread but she has no reason other than she doesn't want me to. So yeah he called her 1st knowing If I took them to school it would be WW3. But I still feel I should of been called after the police. Then he could of called her.

Acratopotes's picture

I don't get it..... this is a

I don't get it..... this is a SM who does not have to worry about being a parent to her skids, if there's something wrong with them DH and BM sort it out.... why is she complaining...

—

Blended family life turned me into a pirate....
All I want to do is drink Rum and stab people

Disneyfan's picture

"I don't get it..... this is

"I don't get it..... this is a SM who does not have to worry about being a parent to her skids, if there's something wrong with them DH and BM sort it out.... why is she complaining"

Some people just don't know when they have it good.

yolo222's picture

Diane. U nailed it. This is

Diane. U nailed it. This is exactly what I think. Let dad and his family (sm) handle things on their time. Let bio handle things on her time. Some people in blended families run things in a more enmeshed way and if that works for them that's great. But many need some separation. A lot of these men cannot let go of the ex wife. Just my opinion. But if u cannot let go of you ex then please do not bring another woman into the mix. In this case since time was and issue a quick text to bio stating kids will be a few minutes late to school would have been sufficient.

yolo222's picture

The thing is your are not a

The thing is your are not a team. He and BM are when the kids are concerned and he has shown u this through his actions. Even when it's his time with the kids BM has to be brought into the mix. Why? You are his wife and partner and step mother when the kids are on his watch. Him acting this way can be very hurtful especially for the sm who loves her skids. U are not bio mom but u are step mom when kids are with your hubby. So what place do u have in this family? U just stand by and watch this other family operate and u watch like an outsider?? Sorry guys for some reason this post struck a bit close to home. So I digress a bit.

101Stepmom101's picture

Exactly... I think that is

Exactly... I think that is the big picture here. That I feel like an outsider or in the shadows at times. Not by choice... :/ I want to be an active part and feel like a team and family. He allows her to push me out of the situations (Like taking the kids to school) to avoid rocking the boat with her. To avoid causing drama with her and the kids. But, to me it seems like he is looking to please her at times before me. I am not saying he still loves her or wants her over me. (I know some other posts mentioned that) I just feel like my feelings should come before hers but I know he caters to her to avoid hurt/drama with the kids. But I hate it... maybe that is selfish of me. I just want us to be able to live our life without involving her. When we have the kids it is our time. Without her demanding and giving us rules about where we can go and asking what the kids are doing or if they are ok ~ every few hours. Micromanaging our time. Which he allows ~ to a degree. Sorry, just venting thanks for listening.

yolo222's picture

exactly.. and this is why I

exactly.. and this is why I left .. there was no place for me in my relationship.. bingo. these men are ridic.

sully's picture

I wouldn't be upset about

I wouldn't be upset about this. He has kids and he let their mother know they were in an accident. I would be fine with him calling me next because honestly my first question would be did you tell their mother. Plus I would want to talk to him and get all the details of what happened and if he still had to call bm he would be rushed.

FruitSalad704's picture

The more you post about your

The more you post about your skids and how involved you want to be with them, the more I understand why BM wants to limit your interactions with them. I'm not so sure she's the crazy one in this tableau. They're not your kids, and you're not their mother. This one of the few times I'm going to agree with HRNYC and her assessment you want to be an equal parent to these kids. It's not going to happen - they already have an involved mother.

—

More cowbell. We need more cowbell.

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

Echo's picture

The BM didn't even know

The BM didn't even know there'd been a fender bender so the thought that he should have called her first to tell her the kids were ok doesn't hold water. Yes...he should have called you first and then her. What's done is done, but I certainly wouldn't ignore the 'message' from your DH.

And stop going to the pick ups. It's clear that you're not wanted there, it causes stress (in FRONT of the kids) and it's antagonistic. It comes across as you attempting to establish your dominance...where you have none. You are NOT the parent of these kids, you are their Dads wife. You attempting to be any more than that would piss any BM off. Stay home and put your feet up and allow the parents to have a peaceful exchange.

—

If it's important to you, you'll find a way. If it's not, you'll find an excuse.

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
Mohandas Gandhi

101Stepmom101's picture

I will go with my husband to

I will go with my husband to pick up my step children If I want. I do not always go. But, Either way ~ I do not get out of the car. We have deep tinted windows Bio Mom has no idea if I am there or not. For the most part is is peaceful unless ~ Bio mom gets decides to engage in tell Dad what a bad father (She thinks he is)... and how he loves me and "his new family" more than them....She does this on the phone often and in front of the kids I know they hear everything. So who's causing stress on the kids? Bio Mom ~ NOT ME. I make sure to not even bring Bio Mom up in front of the kids because I don't want them hearing any negativity from me about her. I know she is their mother. BUT, I am step mom and I should be a part of their lives to a DEGREE. I will help raise and care for them when we have them ~ for at least the next 10-12 years and will love them as adults also. I will not be in the shadows and have them remember me as someone that did not care or want to be a part of their life as Bio mom would like.

SM12's picture

As long as the children were

As long as the children were fine and NOT Injured, I feel he should have called you first. You are his wife. THEN called BM only to inform her of the accident and let her know everyone is fine. And he should have had YOU come and get him and the stepkids.

I had this same issue with DH. My MIL was in the hospital due to a stroke. DH called BM first to notify her so she could inform the SS's and then called me. I let him have it with both barrels on that one. He did it again at one point when DH was golfing with my BS and his YSS. YSS was having a great time and loving it. DH called BM to tell her what an amazing time YSS was having. WHAT??? WTF did you do that for?? Let YSS call her if he asks but there is no reason she needs to be involved in our every move. He has since learned that is a HUGE no-no.

FruitSalad704's picture

Why should OP come and get

Why should OP come and get the kids if they have a mother who wants to do that herself and is willing to do it? For all we know OP has a terrible driving record and that's one of the reasons BM doesn't want the kids in the car with her. Maybe BM wanted to make sure the kids really weren't hurt or shaken up.

If the situation were a SM who didn't want to come get skid because they have a mother who could do that, everyone would be applauding, patting her on the back, lots of "you go, girls", and who knows what other accolades.

—

More cowbell. We need more cowbell.

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

twoviewpoints's picture

Ok, just for kicks and

Ok, just for kicks and giggles (curiosity sake), what would have happened if DH first called the police, then called you and you very willingly offered to race over and take the kids?

1. Would DH and you gotten into a long 'but, honey, you know BM objects to you taking the kids to school' with you arguing 'I'm your wife, we're a team'?

2. DH calls BM and says 'yeah small fender bender here, everybody ok, SM is on her way to come get kids and take them on to school' and of course *kaboom* goes BM with 'that woman is not to take my children to school blah blah' clicks off and heads to retrieve the kids.

Seriously. If this is what I (if the father) were knowing would come at me from BOTH sides of the females for a fender bender, I wouldn't call either one of them. Nope. Kiddies can just be late. Poor guy, stuck in the middle of the battling females. One the mommy, one mommy wannabe . One the exwife. One the 'new' wife. Who takes the flack? The kids.

After updates and additional clarification by the OP, my 2 cents? Pick your battles. The supposed 'honor' of who will drive the kidlets isn't one I'd care to wage.

Good grief. A fender bender. *SMDH*

Op, I am glad no one was injured. It is nice to hear you actually like your skids and would be a willing participant in a pinch. Just don't let it burn you out.

yolo222's picture

That's the whole point. He

That's the whole point. He shouldn't be stuck in between the two women. He has a wife. BM can be upset. Let her be.

HRNYC's picture

So lets play this out. Now

So lets play this out. Now the kids are late to school. Is SM going to sign them in? Is mom going to demand to know why the kids are late. Is mom going to monitor how often the kids are late, and blame on SM? The problem is update on the kids, regarding their being late to school, is more important to mom. How many people here complain when the other parent cant get kids to school on time?

yolo222's picture

Seriously. ? Like I posted

Seriously. ? Like I posted previously. It would have taken two minutes for hubby to call wife first. It's not that big of a deal. God forbid the kids are a few minutes late. Who cares. Accidents happen.

HRNYC's picture

So it takes the same two

So it takes the same two minutes to call either one?

yolo222's picture

Yes it does. And thank u

Yes it does. And thank u because u just proved the point I was trying to make. BM can wait several minutes!! So why would he call his ex first. ?? Bottom line is some of these men don't see how hurtful these things can be. This man is divorced and has a wife. His ex is no longer the wife. She is no longer the mans family. She is an ex. Does the ops hubby not even care about keeping HIS wife in the loop.

MrsZipper's picture

I think her DH knows the

I think her DH knows the solution to this in the future. Do the sane and logical thing because kids are involved and call BM first. Then call wife and tell her he called wife first instead of BM. Delete phone logs.

Disneyfan's picture

YUP And when SM tries to pry

YUP

And when SM tries to pry info out of the kidd, teach them to always respond with" You have to ask my mom or dad that"

MollyBrown's picture

I wish I could do survey on

I wish I could do survey on those who answered on their length of marriage, happiness and position. My hypothesis is that those married for more then 10 years say not to sweat this so much.

HeavenLike's picture

Who got called in what order

Who got called in what order is not an indication of who is number one because if that's the case apparently the police are your stiffest competition.

It gets said so often on ST about disengagement, that the parents are supposed to be the one parenting but now suddenly because the parents disengaged the SM, there's something vilely wrong with the concept.

For whatever reason, DH wanted the mother to come get the kids. I have no clue why there's a problem with that. He can no longer adequately care for them, he called the other parent.

It's just an SM has her knickers in a twist because she views this as somehow her husband choosing his exwife over her. Well, he didn't. He choose the right thing - his kid's other parent.

OP, if you are at this level of insecurity and grasping so hard to be a relevant parent figure, I predict you will not be married to this guy very much longer.

You are not a parent. Let the parents handle their children. Your husband in no way indicated that BM is "over" you in priority. It is only your own insecurities that have made it so, and few people really like being in a relationship with an insecure person.

yolo222's picture

Than what is the op's place

Than what is the op's place in this family?? For those of us that don't want to disengage but help our partner with the children. Op has no place. She's an outsider. I agree. If op cannot let this type of behavior go the relationship will end. Her hubs won't change.

HeavenLike's picture

OP's place in the family is

OP's place in the family is her husband's wife. He had a fender bender. He's okay, he is capable of managing the situation but he does need to manage the situation and the kids go to school.

So he, a capable functional adult who is still capable and functional after a fender bender, he handles that while the mother of the children handles getting them to school.

Now if DH had been injured, then her role is to go to the hospital. But there was nothing OP needed to do and frankly, yes, DH needed to call BM before he called OP. Reason being, someone needs to handle getting the kids to school and honestly OP sounds like she's going to need a lot of reassurance and handholding when she is called, and that might mean BM might already be at work or otherwise unavailable, oh yes call the other freaking parent immediately.

BM and DH have already agreed that OP is not going to be doing things like taking the kids to school. Dad's first priority is to find someone to get the kids and get them on to school. That isn't going to be OP so someone needs to be called.