Wifeandmomx4's picture

Need advice! Going crazy!

I will try to make this short. My husband and I were together when we were in high school. We separated for 10 years and got back together 2 years ago and got married. I have kids with another man that I was with for those 10 years. He also has a child. We now have a child together.

I have serious issues with the fact that he he a child. I think it's because the BM lied from day 1. She told him she couldn't have kids, and she was married to someone else. They hooked up one time. Yes, I know my husband should have used protection, so no need to point that out. I am so angry and bitter about this child.

I am angry that she did that to him and that it will effect our lives now forever. He never even wanted kids. He loves the child and my kids, but he's not a very attentive father. In fact, my mother in law was the one to raise this child because my husband loved with her at the time. To this day, my MIL feels that this child is hers. My husband is wishy washy when the child is here at our home. My husband says all the right things but his behavior doesn't match his words. He seems annoyed by the child. The child is 7 and can't tie his shoes, button his pants, or even wipe himself after a BM. He is a whiny baby and no doubt the product of BM and MIL.
I don't know what to do to calm these feelings. The BM is nice to my face but stalks and starts crap with me on Facebook. She has even decided to co parent now with my MIL and not my husband and myself. She will send texts and pictures to MIL but not my husband. My MIL was so concerned about not seeing my SS after the birth of our child, that she decided to befriend her after 6 years of drama and BS.

I can't stand this girl and highly resent the fact that my husband is stuck dealing with her forever. She's such a nasty person. I don't know how she can expect him to be Father of the Year when he never even wanted the child. He also has resentment, but nowhere near the amount I do.

Anyway, I don't talk to my MIL anymore and she rarely sees my baby. I feel betrayed by her because she chose the other child over mine when she did that. Why wait until we get married to friend the BM?? I am ready to get a divorce and move on. I am sick of the child, BM, and the MIL.


Acratopotes's picture

you can't stand your

Jawdropping! you can't stand your husband's child but yet he has to keep house with yours?

You are simply jealous..... you want DH all to yourself and I am sorry to say, you hoped he would sit and wait for you for 10 years, get a life and realize that life chances... you broke up and you both had different lives in between, you can't hold that against some one.....

MIL is an adult woman and can choose her friends on her own, you have no say in this matter, You should not blast BM... if DH really did not want to have children he would've used protection and not simply believe a one night stand saying she can't get pregnant.... did DH do DNA testing to make sure it's his child?

There's no reason why you and BM should have any contact, you are not family and should not be friends, you have no say in the upbringing of BM and DH's child, it's not your child.... so stop co-parenting this boy, he's not your family and you have no say in his life,

But then again - you said you are ready for divorce... I suggest you go ahead with this divorce, cause clearly this marriage is not what you wanted, DH will never be a father to your children, they already have one. Find some one with no children

I will personally come glue your fingers together permanently - SuperJew

and that's for any stirrers

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I never hoped he would sit

I never hoped he would sit and wait for me. I never have him any thought. We got back together by accident (we ran into each other at a mutual friends funeral) and it ended my 10 year relationship with my children's father.

Also, what do I have to be jealous about? He slept with this girl one time and never wanted anything else to do with her, especially a child. He still has resentment and many negative feelings towards her. I don't feel as if I am jealous of someone that he never wanted and a child that he did not want.

Acratopotes's picture

yes you are Hon.... cause he

yes you are Hon.... cause he has a child with another woman and yours is not his first born....
you hate this poor child who did not ask to be there....
this poor child has done nothing to you.... but yet deep down you hate and recent the kid? go to a quiet corner, sit and think carefully about it .... and then we can talk

by the way - it's a normal human feeling

I will personally come glue your fingers together permanently - SuperJew

and that's for any stirrers

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I do not hate the child. I'm

I do not hate the child. I'm having a hard time accepting it. In a way when it comes to the first born experience, I can say I feel like he was robbed. He had to experience that with someone he didn't have any feelings for. Then they fought in court over custody issues. That's all in the past, and it's no big deal now. All they do now is fight, and rarely even communicate. I am not rude to the child, I don't display any negative feelings towards him. I'm not a step monster!

anniegetyourdrinkon's picture

Basically your dh has a kid

Basically your dh has a kid from a one night stand that he resents and expects his mom to raise because he gets annoyed and doesn't want to be a dad. Is that the gist of it?

Shaman29's picture

"I am angry that she did that

"I am angry that she did that to him and that it will effect our lives now forever. He never even wanted kids."

But it's okay that YOU had a kid with a man, who didn't want kids.

Please go look up irony in the dictionary.

Do not take your jealousy out on this kid. He didn't ask to be born and it's not his fault his parents are fidiots. How about you show this little guy a little compassion and show him how to tie his shoes. Make his father show him how to button his pants and wipe his tush.

Block the BM on all social media and ignore, ignore, ignore.

You, my dear, are a drama queen. Get a handle on it or it's going to eat you up.

"I've come here to kick ass and chew bubble gum...and I'm all out of bubble gum."

-Roddy Piper

SuperJew's picture

If you and DH have a kid

If you and DH have a kid together, this skid is your kid's brother. It would benefit you and your new kidlet greatly to help the SS have every possible advantage. One day your skid might be the only person around to care for your little one. What do you want him to know so he can pass that along?

twoviewpoints's picture

Hmmmm, interesting. So you

Hmmmm, interesting. So you hooked up with a guy who spent his twenties living with his mother and having one night stands with married women. yeah, because everybody naturally believes married women cheating on their husbands to be upstanding trustworthy people, he oops, got lied to and ended up a daddy. *rolls eyes*

Ok. Whatever. Then you got back with this guy who by then had this unwanted kid (cause he never wanted kids)who is a lousy father and decided it would be a good idea to get pregnant and have more kids...and blame BM and MIL for all your woes.

" The BM is nice to my face but stalks and starts crap with me on Facebook. She has even decided to co parent now with my MIL and not my husband and myself. She will send texts and pictures to MIL but not my husband. My MIL was so concerned about not seeing my SS after the birth of our child, that she decided to befriend her after 6 years of drama and BS. "

Why would BM co-parent with you? You have no reason to have anything at all to do interaction wise with BM. Why not delete the facebook account? Why would MIL be afraid just because you had a baby she wouldn't see SS anymore?

What an odd thing to call BM. A girl? *shrugs* I guess it doesn't matter now since you've decided to divorce and move on though. While you'll be rid of BM and that pesky never wanted kid, you've got no of stopping MIL of seeing your baby (and likely 'raising baby during Dad's parenting time)because some things just never change.

downsouthinTX's picture

i am also guessing that the

i am also guessing that the BM didn't have kids because her hub was shooting blanks. probably wasn't her issue at all if OPs DH hit it one time and BAM baby on board.

also OP stated that she ran into her now DH at a funeral that in turn caused her to leave her 1st husband.
she was not single, getting divorced, separated-nothing.

seems like DH wasn't into this oopsie baby from day one and let everyone else do the work and call the shots. why would he suddenly be different now that the kid is older?
and he never wanted kids? but was A-OK with having a kid with OP?

Wifeandmomx4's picture

Our child was also an oopsie.

Our child was also an oopsie. I had an IUD in place and it failed. He is nothing but loving and attentive to this baby. I think it's easier to have and raise a child when the child is with someone that you love.

downsouthinTX's picture

he had this child before you

he had this child before you even came along.
this child was not the result of an affair on YOUR marriage.
why get all up in arms about it?

and if he doesnt like how his son was raised/parented then perhaps he should ask HIMSELF "why didn't i parent my child? i have no one to blame but myself because i allowed someone else to do my job. so i have to accept the consequences"

analogy:
if you were suppose to close out the cash register of the store but felt the need to leave early to go meet friends and left it to someone else. the other person stole some money. the next day the manager blames you because YOU were suppose to do that work. YOU pawned off your responsibility to someone less than qualified to do the job and they messed it up.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I believe the issue with MIL

I believe the issue with MIL is complex. She knows that BM still has feelings for my husband. I think she thought that she wasn't going to be able to see my SS due to jealousy of BM. I'm not really sure. She is emotionally unstable and is very attached to this child. She feels as if she is his mother. SS even calls her mom.

FruitSalad704's picture

Your DH never wanted kids,

Your DH never wanted kids, but he now has one with you? That makes zero sense. Do you think he's going to be a better father to the child he has with you than he is to the child he had with BM? It sounds like you're resentful your DH was sleeping with other women, and he has a child that proves it. Just like you have children that prove you were having sexual relations with other men.

Why do you care if BM sends texts and pictures to MIL? You said she was raising this child when your DH was living with her. Your DH doesn't seem interested in being a parent. He should probably be grateful his mother is stepping in to do his heavy lifting.

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy shit for some whiskey and bacon.

monkeyskids's picture

Poor kid. Bio-dad could care

Poor kid. Bio-dad could care less, mil is who knows and smom hates him. What did he do to everyone? Be born?

You all need to grow up and treat him as you do your own. He did not ask to be brought into this world. Just because your dh couldn't keep his pants zipped up, it's not his fault. Your hatred is extremely misplaced.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

Ok so my husband never wanted

Ok so my husband never wanted kids....15 years ago. So people do change, and he is a great father to our baby. Who's to say what will happen when the baby isn't a baby anymore.I understand that all these emotions I am having are unwarranted. I am just trying to navigate these waters for the first time.

I don't know how to step parent. As far as my kids are concerned, BD and husband have been friends for 15 years. Everything runs smoothly. Everyone accepts the situation.

I feel like BM still has feelings for my husband. She wouldn't even pick her son up at our house for the past 2 years. She just now started.

I just need to accept this child and move on. I just don't know how. This will and my marriage because it's driving me nuts.

Oh and by the way, thanks for not being judgemental! NOT!

Acratopotes's picture

disengage from the kid, it's

disengage from the kid, it's not your kid and not your problem....

it's very easy actually, you just need to change your mind set....

read this and remember it

In order to successfully disengage, you have to accept some realities. They are:

Your SKs are not your children.
You are not responsible for overcoming their previous "raising."
You are not responsible for what kind of people they are.
You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
You are not obligated to become an abused member of the household just because you married their dad.
You are not responsible for raising your SKs.
All the responsibility belongs to your DH.
Your DH is not a mother.
Your DH is not going to raise his children the way you want him to.
Your SKs are not going to turn out the way they would if DH supported you.

What all this means is this: You must stop parenting your SKs. You must stop telling them what is expected of them. You must stop disciplining them. You must turn over all responsibility for them to your DH. You must allow DH to make whatever mistakes he makes.

I will personally come glue your fingers together permanently - SuperJew

and that's for any stirrers

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I am not in a position that

I am not in a position that allows that to work all the time. I have tried this, and found it effective until I get sucked back on. He spends at least one day a week with me while his father is at work. Also, I'd like to know the perspective when it comes to my husband disengaging with my children. He lives with them daily and does discipline them. This would seem unfair to him since he is engaged with my kids.

Acratopotes's picture

You allow the sucking back

You allow the sucking back in...... no one is forcing you ,

so what if your husband disengage from your children? Why are you with him, to replace their father or to have a partner? And DH can always decide to disengage from your children....then you raise them the way you want to...

I'm totally disengaged from my step brat and SO is totally disengaged from my bio brat and it's fine...
we have different parenting styles and we've accepted that, we are with each other because we like each other not to replace a parent, kids will leave the nest one day...

I will personally come glue your fingers together permanently - SuperJew

and that's for any stirrers

downsouthinTX's picture

even if you loved his kid he

even if you loved his kid he could not love yours. it could be him saying your kids or maybe 1 are brats. he could choose to disengage at any moment from yours.
your kids have a bio mom and bio dad. thats what they need.
there isn't a reason your husband should be doing the work of you or their bio dad.
and if he IS doing the work it should be because he WANTS to not because he is obligated to. which also means he can pull back and not do things when he sees fit.

DanielleR's picture

I will refrain from

I will refrain from commenting on the first post and just act like I've never read it. You need to figure out what is it specifically bothering you so much. I know in My situation, I am bothered my DH stuck it in something so hideous inside and out. The woman is ugly, crazy (on disability for mental illness ) and have morals and values that I despise. It bothers me that my husband gave validation to a lay and someone he never liked much by marrying her because she got pregnant (she later confessed she stopped BC for both skids and lied to DH). That has nothing to do with skids, they can't help the nasty crotch they dropped from. It bothers me the way the skids are being raised, again it is in a manner I despise and I haven't met a person yet that didn't think they were rude, spoiled and self-centered. Again, not their fault- I just don't have to pretend to like their behavior. So what in the world is specifically bothering you? Skids usually aren't despised by stepmoms just for breathing. And if you do despise them just for existing, I would get therapy to try to work through the emotions.

My guess is you despise the affair it's self and really should work through that with your husband. What is it that you don't like about the mother-in-law situation? (Is that who was helping to raise the kid?) Be happy that person is there to help and the care for the child is not dumped on you and a lot of people don't get along with their in laws.

downsouthinTX's picture

15 years ago he didn't want

15 years ago he didn't want kids...
but his 1st kid is only 7!?

is the BM still married to her husband who she cheated on with your DH?

if it was a one night stand and she still has feelings for him?
but i was a one night stand? not a drawn out affair. not even a few weeks or 2 months affair. a one nighter.
how can she have feelings over that?
unless he and she lied and it was a longer relationship...

DanielleR's picture

If it's not an affair I don't

If it's not an affair I don't understand the issue. The first post was so atrocious that I am not going back to carefully read.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

Yes, all of that bothers me.

Yes, all of that bothers me. I don't hate the child, he is a sweet kid. He cannot help what has been done to him. I feel like he has been treated like a baby for the last 6 years. He comes to our house and his father expects him to act his age and he is just not capable.

It also really bothers me that BM has been public enemy number One right up until the day we got married. I don't understand it!

Acratopotes's picture

Hon... block BM from ever

Hon... block BM from ever contacting you, you owe her nothing, really... DH can deal with her or ignore her

if SS is sweet towards you then you are friendly towards him, if he changes into a brat, you ignore him..
disengagement means... you do what you want and how you feel..... but you do not parent the kid, and this does not mean he can kill you or any one.... you can still say: SS this is my house and these are the rules, so cut out the crap or go to your room till DAd comes home...

I will personally come glue your fingers together permanently - SuperJew

and that's for any stirrers

sanecatlady's picture

So basically, he's not a good

So basically, he's not a good father to the kid he didn't want but he's a good father to your kids? That's really sad.

I understand that you are upset by his decision, but what is past is past. A few things need to happen if you want this to work. He needs to step up and parent and quit pawning the kid off on his mother and you. If he is 7 then he should be at school for most of the day.

Facebook is the start of most drama it seems. Block her and it will give you peace.

MIL seeing the child is a two way street. Are you reaching out to her and communicating with her concerning your child? Are you sending her pictures, etc? Sometimes MILs are friends with the BM just to ensure a connection with the child.

Wifeandmomx4's picture

I absolutely agree with you

I absolutely agree with you about ensuring a connection with the child. I'm just wondering why it would happen right after we get married. To me it felt like a betrayal. I do not reach out to her for anything, and do not send her photos of my child. It's pretty clear in this situation that the only child she is worried about is the SS. She obviously isn't worried about being friendly with me to ensure a connection with my child.

sanecatlady's picture

Well, you can either seethe

Well, you can either seethe in your resentment or you can get past it. If you feel like this isn't the best situation for you, then you need to have a heart to heart with your DH>

classyNJ's picture

SIGH ok I'll ask: "We got

SIGH ok I'll ask: "We got back together by accident (we ran into each other at a mutual friends funeral) and it ended my 10 year relationship with my children's father."

So you left your childrens' father for this man without knowing what the dynamic was?
Did I miss something?

Aniki's picture

Holy old socks! I'm not even

Holy old socks! I'm not even going to comment now. Not after reading that. Wow.

"I feel like I'm reading food erotica. Fifty Shades of Aniki's Wine and Dinner." ~Gimlet

"I want him to appreciate the beauty of what I've done to him. I want him to know that I, Aniki, am the instrument of his demise!" ~Drac0

FruitSalad704's picture

Yep. It's one of them thar

Yep. It's one of them thar days, Aniki.

Never push a crazy bitch to the point where she no longer fears her actions.

Sometimes I wrestle with my demons. Sometimes we just snuggle.

I wouldn't do anything for a Klondike bar, but I would do some sketchy shit for some whiskey and bacon.

Aniki's picture

Fruity, after Monday, I can't

Fruity, after Monday, I can't deal with any of that thar stuff this week. Not people making inflammatory comments, not bullies, not cheaters, not jealous people, not antagonists, not nobody.

"I feel like I'm reading food erotica. Fifty Shades of Aniki's Wine and Dinner." ~Gimlet

"I want him to appreciate the beauty of what I've done to him. I want him to know that I, Aniki, am the instrument of his demise!" ~Drac0

classyNJ's picture

Sorry Aniki - I thought maybe

Sorry Aniki - I thought maybe I missed some replies so I had to ask. Kinda hard to give advice without getting full story. Didn't mean to give you another Monday. Noone wants that. Sticking out tongue

Aniki's picture

Oh, classyNJ, I didn't mean

Oh, classyNJ, I didn't mean YOU! I meant this situation and the cheating. Didn't wanna touch it with a zillion-foot pole.

"I feel like I'm reading food erotica. Fifty Shades of Aniki's Wine and Dinner." ~Gimlet

"I want him to appreciate the beauty of what I've done to him. I want him to know that I, Aniki, am the instrument of his demise!" ~Drac0

Wifeandmomx4's picture

The relationship with my

The relationship with my children's father was already over. We were loving together just for the kids. I knew the dynamics,I just didn't realise how profoundly it would affect my life and our marriage. My MIL was never like this either. Not until the day after we married.

The BM was always a pain in the add but it also got worse after we married. If a woman honestly does not have feelings for her child's father anymore then why does she insist on starting so much crap and drama with his new wife?

She was also a very inattentive mother. Never would buy the child a coat or pay for a haircut or miss a day of work if he was sick. Now all the sudden Everything Has Changed. She is mother of the year!

I just don't understand.

Jsn3883's picture

Don't chose to be with a man

Don't chose to be with a man who has a child if you can't accept the child. Be like a mother to that child or get lost. Over and over and over on this site I see step parents complaining about the significant others children. When you decide to be with someone who has a child you are also deciding to accept that child. If you CAN NOT or will NOT accept this child and treat them with love and respect then turn right back around and walk away. Parents and their children come as a package deal regardless of the situation. Take it or leave it, because if you can't accept that child you better believe there will be someone else willing to step up to that plate and not only love the person but love the child as well. You have no right to be with him if you don't find a way to love his kid. Everyone seems to forget about the children and their feelings and well being it's not wonder children are growing up with bad behavior and emotional problems etc etc... because all the step parents could care less about these children. It not the kids fault. You married him with that child knowing what you were walking in to! Now live up to your decision and take some responsibility! Those kids deserve it! Quit being selfish.

Rags's picture

His having a child with

His having a child with another woman effects your lives together no less or no more than you having a child with another man only you had more than one child with another man.

Time to take off the double standard filter glasses and grow up a bit I think.

If the SKid has behavior issues then confront and correct them as an equity life partner with your DH and an equity parent to any kids in your marital home.

A parent is an example, mentor, confidante, advocate and disciplinarian, not a buddy.-Rags
If you can't listen and learn then you will have to feel.-WLR
If you want to be a part of my life then use your head or STFU and do what you are told.-Rags