monkeyseemonkeydo's picture

Well that was hard...but I did it.

Hard to admit as a custodial bm when you're throwing in the towel, but I just did. I hit send. I asked my ex to consider taking the boys-or at least the oldest. I have been parenting these two almost single handedly for over a decade. They are 16 and 17.5 yrs old....they need dad more then me.

DF is not capable right now of being the example they need. I'm to depressed honestly in my own life to be any good as a parent. I'm worn out, I'm tired, I'm giving up, unmotivated....they fight me at every turn.

It's his turn- for over a decade he has been the 'minimal effort' NCP- never any extended weekends, never any summer time/break time-always busy, always has things to do....never could be bothered much with his own sons. He paid CS- $500 a month, I never reviewed it. He has been hands off from day one-we split when the boys were 2.5 and 4 and I seriously have some MAJOR burn out. I'm not in a good headspace right now and I just don't have the fight left in me to go after them anymore to keep rooms clean, about grades, about not missing class, about being lazy. I think I've given up- I feel like I failed after all this hard work-perhaps it's temporary. When is it DAD's time to help teach them to be men, help shape them, help discipline and make the hard choices in life and be the 'bad guy'?

I honestly dont' feel it's in their best interest to be with me right now. And that sucks to admit.

I'll add in the last 2 years both DF and I experience tons of loss (both our dads, a pregnancy, job loss) and tooth and nail I fought through it and tried to be there for the boys. I should have asked for help then. I feel it's time though. Even with my adorable pup (whom now it seems the only thing I live for) I find I'm motivated with him but not my own kids...messed up but is what it is.

Clevergirlfriend99's picture

And their dad has been a crap

And their dad has been a crap dad all these years and for some reason you think he'll take over the reins and grow them into good men? He's not a good man.

Are you seeing a therapist?

monkeyseemonkeydo's picture

I don't know...it could turn

I don't know...it could turn out he's crap...but right now so am I, not much difference IMO.

Not seeing a therapist, not at the moment- I have in the past. I'm also on a min dosage of Zoloft .25 I might increase it.
Honestly I'm tired of struggling with depression -I have off/on for years. Much worse during this season (SAD). Therapy...will all be the same. The problem seems to be in me. All the usual shit I don't even FEEL like doing. I cry in the am, I can't get out of bed. I'm depressed, big time.

I still go to work every day- but it's a huge struggle.

I do at least do things for pup-we start a conformation/handling class tonight, I play/do training sessions w/him every evening and we go for a walk... it's not enough for me to feel I can properly parent my sons-because I lost all motivation to even nag at them to get shit done.

—

*Cyber Bullies, the Bored, the Weak, and the Pathetic*

Gimlet's picture

((hugs)) Monkey. You've had

((hugs)) Monkey.

You've had a damn tough year, it would be enough to bring just about anyone down. I'm so sorry to hear about your depression. I've been there, I know how it feels, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I see nothing wrong with asking the father of your kids to step up at a time when you need to care for yourself and don't have the extra energy or mental health to do anything more than that.

Please feel free to PM me if you need to.

—

"I'd rather have sex with a cactus." - Aniki

"I've figured out people tell you take the high road because that's easier than it is make the assholes behave." - FruitSalad704

"Steplife is transformative. Sort of like a crematorium, lol." - exjuliemc

downsouthinTX's picture

i swear have SAD. i didn't

i swear have SAD. i didn't know what it was until i moved out the frigid north.
i hadn't gone a year in those 5 not wanting to become a hermit.
then i moved to sunny and warmth and i never lived like that again.
although if it goes 4+ days of clouds and gloom i feel it creeping in. i need my sun.
never took meds though.

get a "happy light"!!-take it to work!
or tanning salon.

ETA oh and salt lamp.

downsouthinTX's picture

since hes been so hands off

since hes been so hands off what do you think the chances of him saying no?

if hes never even taken a long weekend or summer visit and then you want the kids to live there?

i get being tired. thats why i knew i was done having kids when i was 23. my mom asked me to have another years ago. i said no way-my brain was done. i love my kids dearly and i am doing my best to raise them to launch and be self supportive but i am also counting down the days to when i am all done.

uofarkchick's picture

I'm so sorry you're in this

I'm so sorry you're in this crappy place right now. You're a good mother going through a bad time. If you trust that their father's home would be a better environment for them right now, then do what you think is right. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

nobodysbabynow's picture

Give yourself a big pat on

Give yourself a big pat on the back and a big hug. This is one of the hardest things for a divorced mom to do- but when it's time, it's time- and it's selfless, loving, and smart. And heartbreaking. I know from experience.

Just two days ago I put my 17 year old boy on a plane back to Chicago from Michigan because he now lives with his dad. I raised him alone until he was 14.5, with his dad doing nothing but sending me scathing emails about what a sh*tty parent I was from time to time while I struggled. We had some great fun until he was about 12, but then he started isolating in his room, not doing his school work, grades dropping, not hanging out with friends, doing nothing. He wouldn't listen to a thing I said and my partner at the time was not a good stepdad. We lived in a bad neighborhood, I didn't have money to improve things, and the kid was unmotivated. I didn't want to see him miss out, to see his growth stunted. And like you, it felt like it was dad's time to teach him to start growing up.

I've read that at some point after puberty, it becomes emasculating for some boys to obey their mothers, so they need their fathers around to guide them. Since my son went to live with his dad, he's made friends, joined ROTC and wrestling, become a straight A student. It doesn't mean I'm a bad mother. He needed a change of scenery.

I hope your ex makes the right decision. I felt a relief of stress after the initial crippling sadness I felt when my son first left. Now when he leaves from visiting, I have to go through this sadness each and every time he goes again, but then I get used to it once more. I'm glad to not have to fight with him over the school work and doing what he is supposed to do each day. I'm glad that I no longer have to clean and cook for him all the time and that he isn't exposed to my bad neighborhood or my younger daughter's father who is a poor example of a man.

Some mothers are selfish and care more that their children are with them than what is right for the children. You are not one of them. You are being honest with yourself and even with your ex husband and children, and that takes a big person. You should feel good about that.

PS- my ex had never had my son for more than a week before this, and he is still doing a great job.

monkeyseemonkeydo's picture

Yes, this is how they are

Yes, this is how they are both acting- except we aren't in a bad neighborhood-not the best of school districts (which doesn't help) but not bad per se. I'm also thinking the change of scenery and dad being 'fresh' to parenting full time might help. Not sure if he will say yes...but it's worth asking at least.

Not sure if they'll fight it or not-don't think the oldest one will much.

It's good to hear that even an uninvolved dad can turn around and do a good job-that's what I'm hoping for. He's older now and hopefully much more mellowed out. Single so no step or blended situation for them to go into which lessens the stress on everyone.

—

*Cyber Bullies, the Bored, the Weak, and the Pathetic*

downsouthinTX's picture

i hope it works out for you i

i hope it works out for you i do...

but what if hes "fresh" and that means inexperienced. he could give them free reign and then things go down hill even worse. he might blame the lack of rules he gives them as "eh boys will be boys...when i was their age..yadda yadda"

obviously i think you know him better, his lifestyle and what he would do/not do though.

WalkOnBy's picture

You have nothing to be

You have nothing to be ashamed of, monkey. You recognize that your home might not be the best place for them right now. You are NOT sending them to dad's out of anger, spite or anything else like some of our BMs...

Do you think that dad will step up and parent these boys in the ways they need???

Feel free to pm me if you need to chat.

I am pulling for you and the boys and your XH Smiling

—

Reading...it's fundamental

DaizyDuke's picture

Do you think your boys are

Do you think your boys are going to be happy with this change or are they going to fight it?

I can honestly say, this would have been the BEST thing that BM2 could have done for SS. Send him to live with us.. (like 4 years ago) Granted I would have hated it and it would NOT have been the best thing for us, but SS would have at least had some structure and would most likely be graduating high school this year instead of only having 1/2 the credits he needs to graduate. But whatever. DH put the offer out and SS didn't want the structure and discipline and BM2 didn't want to give up her CS, cause that's how she pays her rent dontcha know. Again. Whatever. Makes MY life much happier and easier.

—

ღIt' all fun and games until someone doesn't pick up on the sarcasm ღ
ツ I wish I was as thin as my patience ツ

monkeyskids's picture

Awwww, huge hugs to you.

Awwww, huge hugs to you. Raising boys is never easy, single, married or otherwise attached. I don't know if sending them to dad is the answer, have you looked into help with their school? I don't know the whole story, but as a mom to pita boys feel free to message and vent away.

monkeyseemonkeydo's picture

I've done the help at school

I've done the help at school before- was of no help honestly.

—

*Cyber Bullies, the Bored, the Weak, and the Pathetic*

Maxwell09's picture

I don't know if what you're

I don't know if what you're doing is right; you said he didn't do much before and I'm a firm believer that most crucial parenting is done early on in life. I don't think he will do much disciplining them but be more of a buddy for them. All that being said, my DH has confessed that sometimes he wishes he could just give SS to BM because then she could see what it's like having to do the hard work while the other parent just gets to do fun exciting things. In the other hand, DH knows that this is SS's most crucial years that are setting the tone for everything to follow like going to school and making good grades, committing to sports, getting homework done, etc and if BM has to be the one in charge of this he would be a lot like most of the horrors posted on here. He says when SS is older and wants to run to BMs for wild nights and freedom, he will let him go. But he expects him back.

LadyFace's picture

(((Hugs))) monkey. I hope

(((Hugs))) monkey. I hope everyone finds peace and success in whatever is decided.

—

Keep on keepin' on!

downsouthinTX's picture

i wanted to add that just

i wanted to add that just this morning i was talking with SO about growing up etc and how people did things. i mentioned that my grandmother was a divorcee back in the late 40's with 2 kids. that in itself was rare. AND she was catholic.
then she remarried and when my dad was 7(1958) she was a widow. she had 2 kids from previously and 2 more sons from dead husband. she never remarried after that. but she did quite well for herself.
my dad said he was a terror around 10-11-12 and she sent him off to military school because she couldnt handle being single and raising this hellion son and worry about him when she was at work.
i guess it straightened him up because he only did it for 2 years and he came back.

so women have been struggling to raise hellion boys for a LONG time. sometimes they just need that firm structure.

my dad joined the army at 17-18 and went to Vietnam. guess he liked that structure and discipline.

Ram's picture

I don't post very much but I

I don't post very much but I have dealt with depression. Is it you being depressed or is it the boys not listening that you feel their dad would be a better fit right now? Please get some help and feel free to pm me. I know how awful depression is especially when you are this low. I allowed my dh (separated at the time) to have 50/50 custody of our newborn so I know the struggle you are going through.

BethAnne's picture

My husband lived with his dad

My husband lived with his dad as a teenager and from the sounds of things pretty much lived like roommates as his dad worked night shifts so they barely saw each other and there were few rules. He did really well out of it, much better than his brother who went to live with his strict religious aunt and uncle. Though his brother is starting to turn things around now.

Basically, I think that it could be the thing that your boys need, and if not they will turn out well in the end because you put in the hard work early on. Sometimes boys just need a bit more time to mature and work out that they need to work hard to get somewhere. Then they will turn their lives and attitudes around and you will be proud of them.

monkeyseemonkeydo's picture

" Is it you being depressed

" Is it you being depressed or is it the boys not listening that you feel their dad would be a better fit right now?"

Honestly? Both match at about the same level I'd say.

—

*Cyber Bullies, the Bored, the Weak, and the Pathetic*

downsouthinTX's picture

maybe a semester or summer at

maybe a semester or summer at dads will make them mature and get on track and succeed or make them realize how good they had it, all you are to them and they come back better young men.

sueu2's picture

If you're depressed, I

If you're depressed, I strongly urge you to make this a temporary thing. There's no reason to think your ex will be any better a father than any other divorced dad read about on this board. And there's definitely no reason to think he will be any better than he, himself, as ever been.

The last thing you want is to lose your kids to drugs or crime, so just take some time. Go see a doctor. See a therapist. Give yourself time to get yourself together. Set a date, say 3 months from now or 6 months from now, to get your kids back.

And in the meantime, start looking for programs to send your kids to help make men out of them because their father simply is not going to do it. Steve Harvey has a great program he conducts for a week or two each summer, but I kinda think it's only for black boys, I'm not sure. It's worth a look though. Frankly, I don't know if you are black....or white....green.

There are also books and websites that teach you how to dispense with the power struggles with your kids. I really believe there's help out there, such as other camps like Harvey's. You have to find them.

You're talking out of your depression right now, so just realize that it won't last forever and work on it for the time being until you feel better. It really scares me to think you only have their dad to rely on because he's obviously unreliable. And yes, it will make a difference despite how you feel.

robin333's picture

Hugs. I'm so sorry that you

Hugs. I'm so sorry that you are in this miserable space right now. You absolutely have to take care of yourself or you won't be any use to anyone else. Depression is the devil and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy (I don't think I have any).

There is nothing wrong or to be ashamed about asking for help. It takes a self aware person to do that. I can't imagine raising two teenage boys. Just wow.

Please keep us posted.

—

"I've seen dogs with better manners." Aniki

"A healthy future depends on having productive members of society - not basement dwellers." Notasm3

monkeyseemonkeydo's picture

I think making it a temporary

I think making it a temporary thing is probably smart. I know there are books and such Sueue, I've read them all, I've been in the trenches of parenting for years...I'm TIRED of it to be honest, because I don't see the hard work I put in paying off at all. I don't feel like researching programs and therapy and all that shit for them anymore. They are ungrateful and lazy and don't help out. They don't care about school or the house needs or their mom.

Maybe I gave up, or it's temporary or depression speaking....and yeah, oddly enough I'm doing plenty of research into programs/training for my dog but not my own kids. I rather throw my efforts into where I'll see results and feel appreciated.

There's programs like that more easily accessible for minorities....I'd have to pay out of my a$$ for something like that, can't afford it either. I do love them, dearly. I'm burnt out.

—

*Cyber Bullies, the Bored, the Weak, and the Pathetic*

HeavenLike's picture

I get it. I really do.

I get it. I really do. Dealing with an adult life of depression, working very hard to be a good parent, to grow good kids, and the outcome.... sucks. Nothing like what you hoped, nothing like you planned, nothing even remotely close to the kind of heart and soul effort you poured into it.

I get it. Worn out. Not even having enough to try to figure out something that might yet grow them into good men.

He's their father. I support your choice. The kids are as much his responsibility as it was ever yours. He didn't parent, he was a crap parent, let him now live with the consequences of his choices.

I totally get it.

Acratopotes's picture

sending you hugs monkey, I've

sending you hugs monkey, I've been there..... I waned ot do this so bad but I never did, I decided....

well I've done it for 16/17 years, just one or 2 years more I can do this, and I told Deigma... fine you think you are a man but you are only a boy..... from now on you will be responsible for your own life and if you do something I do not agree with you, you will be left on the street...

Deigma though I was kidding and one night when he returned from who knows where all his cloths was out in the street and the house was locked.... he slept in the garage that night with no blankets, no mattress nothing not even dinner, I simply ignored his knocking.

The next morning I took him coffee, kicked him awake and said, now we talk... if you want to stay in my house you will live by my rules, clean after yourself, no more having strangers in my house when I'm not here, this is my house not a party place, you have 30days to find a job, or pull up your grades and ensure you pass..... you will respect me at all times, I do not care if you agree or disagree, this is how it is..... think about it and decide....

I went back into the house and locked it again, I only allowed him late the next evening to enter the house... never had any problems with Deigma again. I am glad I never contacted his father.

These boys think they are men, they are not, they are children till the day they can look after themselves or find a wife to parent them further lol...

—

I will personally come glue your fingers together permanently - SuperJew

and that's for any stirrers

HRCity's picture

Yup, let him take a spin at

Yup, let him take a spin at it. I don't have any advice really, and I'm not going to tell you to not give up or try harder or try this or try that. These boys are nearly 18. You've exhausted yourself trying to raise them, let them deal with their dad since they can't appreciate what you've done for them. Many experts say teens need a strong relationship with their same sex parent, so send them off to dads (I hope he takes them) and let the chips fall. You are important too. You aren't an indentured servant to your kids.

Kes's picture

No advice, but I've had

No advice, but I've had mental health issues too and it's no joke. I hope that you can get some help for yourself, you need to focus on YOU right now. I hope your ex takes his sons, at least for a while.
Hugs to you.

—

Veteran disengaged SM of 14 years.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

One of my friends let her

One of my friends let her daughter and son live with her ex when they were 16-17. This man did the minimum and had moved the country away. But somehow the kids got it in their heads that if they lived with him (he is very very well off while mom works constantly as an EMT) that he will give them whatever they want so they made my friend's life hell.

She finally gave up, sent them to their dads. She asked me for advice because it just got worse. The dad PASed the hell out of the kids. If mom tried to send them something, she was trying to buy their love. If she denied them something (like a $500 concert ticket), she didn't love them enough. She couldn't win as is often the case with PAS.

I told her to stop chasing, read up on PAS, and be firm with her boundaries with her kids and constantly reiterate that she loves them but will not be threatened by her own children.

I saw her at an even for another one of our mutual friends and when she gave me a hug, she told me thank you for the advice and that her kids are finally coming around, at 23 and 24 years of age. It may get worse for a while but there's a lot of hope that it will get better.