Stepson 11 stealing and lying
I haven't been to the forum in months. I feel a bit guilty for coming here only to vent. But here I am again.
I have a stepson who is now 11. We went through a battle getting custody. His mother ran from state to state, city to city, avoiding service or putting him in school. There are long posts about our struggle in the legal forum.
It will be a year since we took custody in March. We have worked hard, dedicated almost every ounce of time, money and energy into helping him succeed.
He is no longer obese, he doesn't miss school, he is not openly defiant. These are all things that we praise him for changing about himself.
The problem is he is sneaky. He steals something almost every week. He took many different items from our garage, trinkets that belonged to my dead husband, a compass, a watch, etc. He always lies about it, when the object is found he says he doesn't know how it got there.
My SO made excuses and minimized it until over the holidays he went to his grandmother's. My SO was helping him get his laundry out of the dryer when a gold wedding band dropped from his pants. The band was his grandmother's. He claimed he found it on the floor. This is not possible. It was in a jewelry box in a room he shouldn't have even been in at all. My SO immediately sent him to his room. This was just yesterday. We don't know what to do.
He gets A's on his tests, does his homework because my SO makes sure he does but is still failing two classes because he won't do his in class work.
He has to be watched when told to do any task because he just won't do it.
We have limited his media, and have a system in place were he can earn privileges on top of what is standard.
He has gone through 4 sets of friends. Everytime the parents will not tell us specifically what he has done but only that their child isn't allowed around him anymore. There doesn't seem to be an issue until we let him stay the night with another child.
He rolls his eyes and clicks his tongue at anything I say. He is nice and friendly when he is getting everything he wants and the undivided attention of everyone in the room. As soon as that isn't the case, all bets are off.
He is obviously craving attention, we don't want to reward poor behavior with attention.
We also can't make other kids like him or want to be around him.
My adult friends will only come and visit when he is at school. He is so demanding and overly confident, it just annoys people.
I realize he feels insecure. We praise anything praiseworthy. I don't know how else to give him a sense of security and self esteem. He is as big as me, has a vocabulary of an adult but emotionally he is like a 5 year old.
I am sure it is difficult that his Mom has shown no interest in seeing him since we took custody. We have gone out of our way to facilitate it. I set up a Skype account so they could talk regularly, that lasted 2 times.
I have thought of counseling but it's extremely expensive and we receive no support from his Mom, not even a break from him for a few days. We can't afford it right now and he claims nothing is wrong. We have had him speak with our church pastor, his Grandmother, his 20 year old cousin, hoping if something is bothering him he would open up.
My biggest fear is the stealing. We are going to make him give it back to his Grandma with an apology but this doesn't seem sufficient.
Or is it?
Any advice?
oh dear - don't you regret
oh dear - don't you regret fighting for full custody?
I would handle this differently, he's 11 and nothing will really come of it, but for this you will need GRandma's assistance and scare the crap out of that child.
Gran should call the police and explain what's going on and that her wedding band is taken, she can explain the situation SS came from and ask the police for help... Police should knock on your door and say they are there for SS, theft report has been filed against him and they are there to take him in, silver bangles and all... make a big whoo ha out of it and they have to lock him up in a cell for over night if possible....
but again you, DH and Gran have to be on the same page regarding this, and his punishment will be, volunteering at a animal shelter for 3 months over week-ends....
Maybe it will work... or try and find a therapist or youth counselor to work with SS
Thank you, we had considered
Thank you, we had considered calling the police. The wedding band is his dead grandfather's who was ironically a police detective. We know some police officers who would help in such a situation.
We considered it but wanted to sleep on it. I know his Grandmother and father will go along with it. I wasn't sure if 11 was to young. He has been stealing for years though and it has to stop.
All my valuables are piled in the master bedroom with a lock. If I forget and leave my sunglasses sitting on the counter or my iPhone cover, other things, they are gone by morning.
I really have no tolerance for theft.
Thanks for your advice. I will update the thread and let everyone know how things go.
if you have friends in the
if you have friends in the force then go for it.... 11 is not to young Hon, teach them while they are young
You ask if I regret getting
You ask if I regret getting full custody. You have been kind enough to respond so I will answer that question.
Yes, I do. But I know it was the right thing to do. The child would have had no chance if we wouldn't have taken custody.
It is certainly a huge sacrifice. It is one I am willing to make. Everyone deserves a chance at a normal childhood.
I am calling my friend in the morning to see what we can set up.
Thanks for your response.
It is time to find a Phd in
It is time to find a Phd in child psychology. Not a family counselor, not a social worker with store front counseling services but a Child Psychologist with DR in front of their name.
My first thought was
My first thought was "sociopath."
We have a similar
We have a similar problem/issue with my SD17. She learned that stealing gave her a "boost". People who steal have certain chemicals that are triggered by the activity. Its an addiction, apparently. And hes been doing it a looong time, like my SD17. She lies too, about both random things and important things, heck its like every time her lips are moving, lies come spilling out. its time for a Doctor. Just like goodluck said above. Therapy wont change the programming in their brains.
My SD doesn't have any friends either, no boyfriend, etc. So its tough to punish her, but regular checks on her, no electronics, and doing things for herself are helping a bit. Stealing your things feels like a betrayal, but I applaud your efforts and attitude. Giving him a chance is positive, and I hope that he decides to change and that the solid family support he is receiving, really does something. I am doubtful about my SD17 changing, but she is not my child, and she will be 18 soon.
Military boarding school. It
Military boarding school. It will work wonders. Those young cadet leaders will chew him up and spit him out for that kind of crap. }:)
I have no advice but just
I have no advice but just wanted to say I'm dealing with this as well with one of my skids.. Just today he came home from school with a bag of chips from the vending machine. When I asked him where he got the money he told several different lies. I'm quite sure he took it out of the jar I have for laundry change as I heard him in it this morning.. but have no proof. He lies a lot and while he hasn't stolen anything of value he sneaks things. If I tell him he can't have a snack he will wait until I'm in another room and get himself one and hide the wrapper under the couch or something. Its frustrating and difficult to figure out how to handle it when I can never get him to admit to anything unless I catch him in the act! He's only 9 but he is scarily good at telling a lie. His twin brother can't tell a lie to save his life but this one you never know what's true and what's not.
Okay, uhh, I am a bit worried
Okay, uhh, I am a bit worried he's done something inappropriate to his "friends" which is why their parents (possibly embarrassed) do not want to go into detail but no longer allows them to be friends. Now you know he can't be trusted to have sleepovers, right? (I mean, fool me once...)
The stealing does need a good scare. Sometimes kids who want to be defiant but can't (you mentioned defiance as a previous issue that is now not so open anymore, so bottled up) do to get the rush of rebellion. My mom told me she had an issue like this when she was about 9 years old, although my grandma ended up beating it out of her (so you know why she did it in the first place--as sort of an eff you to my grandma who was a bit heavy handed that only a child's logic can come up with.)
It can be a really difficult habit to break, so I second everyone else who said he needs a psychologist or a therapist to work through that.
Paddle meet thieving 11yo
Paddle meet thieving 11yo Skid ass. Each and every infraction. Lather... rinse.... repeat.
He will either learn or he will be miserable.
Bring the misery.
Oh yes. And have him frog marched out of the house in hand cuffs by your LEO friends.
And some counseling. Get the kid some help.