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How do you find peace has a SM?

Cutiepie's picture

Hello all,

My SD and I have grown close throughout the 19 years we have known each other. Of course we are a work in progress.
(Sidenote: Though we're close there's still something missing. The missing link may be the relationship with her mom. They do not get along. If she completely lets her guard down I wonder if she feels like she is betraying her mom.)

When she was younger and still at times SD would call only her dad and say Happy Anniversary, Happy New Year, or call to thank him for a gift that we clearly both have sent, etc.... Now that's she older I will pretty much address her myself about it. My question is, when DH allows this I feel excluded. I've spoken to him about it and sometime it's like DD can do no wrong. How do you find peace when your DH allows certain things from his DD that are just not right? How do I keep it moving with out being upset about being excluded. I recently posted in another forum about feeling excluded as a step grandparent. This exclusion thing really messes with my head! How do I move pass it? Thank you

ppeac078's picture

You are allowed to feel upset about being excluded, by both your SD and your DH. It isn't fair. The question is, what level of disrespect are you willing to tolerate from either of them, and when does it become "not ok" in your mind.

I find often, my DH is oblivious to these slights by his daughter. He doesn't even recognize they are happening. I point them out, and it is me being unfair, because she is just a child. Your SD is obviously no longer a child, and I think you have the right to call her out, as well as him about the behaviour. You also need to point to the fact that since she is an adult, and you are his spouse, he needs to be applying the same standards to her as he would to an acquaintance - would he ever let someone who wasn't his daughter do that to you on a regular basis?

It is hard, but it is often about picking your battle as a stepmother. Choosing what is important to dwell on based on your core values, and what really doesn't make a difference in the grand scheme of things. It isn't an easy balance.

If you know of any other step mothers, it is useful to reach out. Sometimes just knowing we all go through it is enough. Even if BM isn't in the picture, our relationships as stepmothers is always partially the "outsider" no matter what we do to fix that. You have to chose how to fulfill that role, define it for yourself, and then hold your SD and DH to the things that matter. The rest can be grumbled about over a glass of wine, and then pushed to the back of your mind. Hope that helps.

Cutiepie's picture

Thank you ppeac078. I'm glad I found this website. I have no other stepmother to bounce things off of or vent to. This group is like long needed therapy Wink It does help to know that I'm not alone! Biggrin

hereiam's picture

I find peace because I just really don't care about phone calls from my SD on holidays, or birthdays, or whatever. I'm 100% certain she doesn't even know our anniversary.

It doesn't matter how well you get along with your SD, her primary relationship, between you and your DH, is with your DH, he is her dad.

I don't even think of myself as my SD's stepmother (and I've been in her life 20 years), I am her dad's wife. She owes me respect as such but that's about it, I expect nothing more.

I read your grandparent post, and to me, that is on your husband. Yes, I get that he wants to see her and the baby but if he expects you to treat your SD as your own, as if she were an "our" daughter, he should have discussed and planned the visit WITH you, not just told you about it after he made the plans. He is the one who excluded you.

he had already made plans without considering me and then wants SD to be called considered "our" daughter

He cannot have it both ways.

Disillusioned's picture

This is a common thing that a lot of our DH's do

I think the reason why is they often feel guilt about the divorce, fear their kids will walk out of their life, so always tread lightly and allow so much that the same parent in an intact home, wouldn't tolerate for a moment

My DH does the same thing, with his daughters and even sometimes his sister

I've learned to recognize why he allows it to happen, still doesn't make it right, but it helps to understand why/what he struggles with

With that said, there is only so much you should be willing to tolerate, and your DH should be made aware of that

At one time, when I had had enough of all the crap from DH's daughters not to mention DH himself, I was ready to walk away from the marriage. All of a sudden, when it wasn't his kids DH was as worried about leaving as his wife, amazing how he stepped it up where I was concerned

And with your SD, it works two ways! If she doesn't want to acknowledge you most of the time, you certainly don't need to make a big fuss over her either. Give her what she wants - you out of her life (which includes doing nothing much for her)

Rags's picture

I find SPPeace because I tolerate nothing less for or from myself or anyone else in the mix for that matter.

Fortunately my bride and I are in agreement on this and have navigated our blended family experience from this perspective for 22+ years and counting.

That your DH not only tolerates this but participates in it disgusts me. I think it may be time to develop some disciplinary tactics to apply to your husband. The first of which should be not allowing it to go unconfronted no matter when, where, or who is present when it occurs.