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Silent Treatment

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 11:38am

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Blended Family Issues

Dear all,
SD is now 11 years old, and she still gives us the silent treatment. Selective mutism was diagnosed when she was 5 years old, only treated for about a year and never again.
She is ok at certain enviroments, but not at home. In November she barely spoke, ignored us all the time, she was just sitting on the coach with her angry face and did not make eye contact.
Now she seems to be ok only with her cousins (Same age) and at the school.
BM has a new boyfriend, the third one in 3 years, since last May. We also had a new baby in July so I think they were critical events for her.
BM does not want therapy for her and my DH will try to take her once a week. But the sitution for me is unbearable, no answers for me, no greetings, no looks or just angry looks.
One word to define how I am: Desperate, and willing to run away.

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 11:49am

parents do nothing, but SD seems to be mute only at our home. She seems angry with her Dad (we don´t know why as she does not talk). I saw her answering normal with other people, and friends so it is kind of a punishment for her dad for the divorce. This is my point of view

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 11:49am

parents do nothing, but SD seems to be mute only at our home. She seems angry with her Dad (we don´t know why as she does not talk). I saw her answering normal with other people, and friends so it is kind of a punishment for her dad for the divorce. This is my point of view

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 12:16pm

Anotherstep,

That sounds pretty smart. I would try it.

Did this kid get Christmas gifts at your house? How did that go?

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 12:25pm

This year she knows Santa does not exist. So SD got the presents she asked from her dad.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 12:49pm

She "asked from her dad?" How did she ask? With her voice and words?

That would be extremely interesting. When the motivation is high, she can speak. Hmmm.

And, yes, please answer those next questions from sanecatlady. Did she squeal or express delight or express plans ("I'm going to use this present to play X game with my friend Megan!") or any of the exclamations children make when opening presents?

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 12:21pm

I do agree, she is a manipulative kid, and DH doesn´t know what to do and he still feels guilty for the divorce. I am running out of patience and taking her to therapy seems a good idea to deal with BM, DH and the bratty SD

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 12:50pm

Nah.

Get therapy for yourself in how to deal with a guilt-ridden husband who can't parent and in how to preserve your sanity with a tiny holy terror in the house.

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 1:17pm

Smile I need it, but with my new baby I have no more time! I went to therapy for about 3 years, but I think it´s now their time to go (DH, SD and BM)... I already spent my money & time there.

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 1:42pm

thank you for your words, I disengaged in some aspects: babysitting for example, but still have to cook, wash, buy chothes, as my DH has no time. I also decided not to take holidays with her, because my last 6 vacations were a hell.
I prefer not to travel and stay at home than being with my SD. I will also ask my DH to take care of more domestic tasks, so I don´t have to ask her anything.

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 1:59pm

about the gifts, sorry SD sent her Dad a message with the link of the objects in ebay... so that´s how technology helps her with her mutism. When she got the gifts, no expresions at all, and did not thank at all.

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 2:02pm

I forgot to mentions SD has a cell phone and Whatsapp, and never replies to her Dad..only this message for Christmas gifts, and sometimes only answers yes, no or maybe...

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 2:08pm

Thanks for your comment. I don´t feel alone any more. I know this enviroment is toxic, but I do love my DH and we have 3 wonderful kids together, that´s what I want to preseve, and my sanity too...

gaviotas's picture

Submitted by gaviotas on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 2:11pm

yes.. coming back with the same issue.. I know, it´s sad. My kids grew up, are doing well and they are healthy and have no issues with communication. That´s the positive part, the main problem remains the same, and it´s out of control. If counseling does not work for my DH, I really don´t know what else to do

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 2:46pm

When did SD stop talking to her father? In the older postings , SD would speak to her father. Now she doesn't. Was there a particular event/occurrence that happened causing that shift? Did it just gradually taper off?

Does she interact at all with her siblings in your home? Regardless of method of communication, does she communicate with them during any type of emotion (happily watching movie together and both laughing, little sibling snags toy and SD verbally angry, for examples).

I 'get' the selective mutism thing, but what changed between father and daughter that she stopped.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 7:39pm

Read the old threads. You have the patience of a saint. Kid obviously needs a serious treatment plan. Appears she'll never get it.

Since mom and dad are content to limp along with this ineffective "treatment" and since she does bubble up from the darkness to ask for toys, I would try deploying the reward system for her. If you know anything that she desires -- cookie after school, night light, sweater from the back closet, whatever, announce you know where it is. Then just go about your business.

Don't make the offer directly to her, just announce it to the air or even softly to yourself as if you're not even aware she's in earshot.

"Oh, dang, now where did I put those Oreos that I bought this morning? Uhhhh...oh, yeah! Now I remember!" And say no more. Just drop those tantalizing baits out there. See if she nibbles.

You have nothing to lose at this point and very few options otherwise that I can see.

Disillusioned's picture

Submitted by Disillusioned on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 8:43pm

I've heard of this condition before, so strange, but either way this child obviously needs counselling and consistent help. Not good that her parents are really not doing anything to help correct this.

Of course it's stressful for you Sad but try not to let it get to you. She is not your problem, she's not your kid. Focus on your DH and your child, treat your SD maybe like you would a friend's kid visiting your home along with your friend....someone you would be nice to, understanding of, but not tolerant of anything obviously destructive in your home or your child or your family. And while her behavior is upsetting, it doesn't sound like she's doing anything destructive - at worst maybe she's milking it but it sounds like an awful condition to have and that must suck for her too!

On the flip side, would her parents/your SD be up for you taking her to counseling?

It could be something you could do to help, maybe even promote some bonding between her and you. At least she would know you were giving it a shot at getting her some help, and trying to work on your relationship with her

ChiefGrownup's picture

Submitted by ChiefGrownup on Mon, 01/02/2017 - 10:48pm

Not doing anything destructive? Read the old threads posted. The kid deliberately urinated on a carpet OP had just cleaned. And it goes on from there.

She's angry and deeply dysfunctional.