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Why is this happening all of a sudden?

Sarowyn0608's picture

I've posted here before. Quick background. I have two daughters age 8 and 10 who are home with me one week, then at their dads one week etc. Great relationship and no issues.
I have a 4 yo SD who comes every other weekend.
DH and I have a 10 month old boy together.

This is the first time that SD has been here for a week (thank u, court order!)
I've been in her life she was 2. I've watched her grow and hit milestones and helped care for her. She knows she has to listen to me (her dad told her so) and that she has mostly the same rules as the other kids. We have some minor issues but nothing too bad.
This is my issue.
The older my son gets, the more I'm starting to seriously dislike her. Like- bad- to the point where I want her to leave NOW.
Let me mention first that my DH is a great dad, on her about everything and always backs me up.
Not a Disney dad in the least bit.
K so here's my rant.

One- I wish she would just leave my baby alone! Several incidents have happened this week where he is getting hurt by her. He was pushing his walker toy and moved it from him..face plant. He screamed like I've never heard before Sad DH was pissed and she got in a lot of trouble and had a firm talking to.
Next day..he's standing in the kitchen at a drawer, she goes over and slams it shut, pinching his fingers.
Same deal with DH.
If he's playing with his toys, she will take them. Ofc DH and I can't be RIGHT there every second of every day..
I was putting my hair up and heard him start screaming and when I asked what happened (DH was working)
She said she wanted his toy and took it. I told her to either play with him, or leave him alone, because she has her own stuff.
She always refers to DH as "my daddy"...we both remind her that yes he is but he's B's daddy too. She just walks away. If DH is holding baby, she has to hug him or say "I love u daddy" it's adorable actually..the first 3 times. It literally happens 20+ times a day. She is actually a sweet girl and not a brat.
We both understand she probably misses him, and feels jealousy. Yes they do have time alone.
Why is this bothering me so much all of a sudden?! When DH and I hug or kiss(often) she either says "aww" or has to interrupt with "I love you daddy"
He has special time with all four kids where no one is allowed to interrupt. Ofc she tries too and I'm just like omg stfu pls!
It's not like the baby is new. She shows no signs of jealousy to my kids (who are very close and touchy with DH)..its just the baby. She goes between wanting to hug and kiss and slobber on him to hurting him.

What can we do? How can I deal with these feelings? I don't hate her but I definitely want her to either stfu or go away. Ugh.
DH is adamant that he wants to keep things the same all the time so she sees the consistency...she's been coming here for two years and it's always been the same routine etc.
I have a feeling it's going to get worse and DH and I don't want that. He's SO mentally drained at the end of the day.
We counted "daddy, can I xyz" "daddy, pls help me xyz" "daddy daddy daddy" FOURTEEN times in 30 mins! Finally I said ok, go play with her for a while, she's obviously feeling needy. He did. While he was cleaning and doing stuff with my girls se played happily. As soon as I walked over to him with baby to kiss him and have baby kiss him (new trick of his) she was right up his ass. Pls child, fuck off, just a little bit Smile

Sarowyn0608's picture

You obviously didn't read what I wrote. Was very clear that her dad does most stuff with her, and that my girls go to their dads biweekly.

Sarowyn0608's picture

I was giving an example of what could be happening at the time where she plays happily. It has nothing to do with my kids or their maturity.
It was to indicate that it only happens when he's with me or the baby.
Did you miss the rest where I said he has plenty of alone time with her, in addition to "special daddy dates"? She has no reason to cry for attention. You are misunderstanding. In no way is she left on the side lines while he's just doing stuff with my kids.
Lol at can't handle the three kids. Wtf are u thinking? It has nothing to do with that! I never once said he's doing their basic care or whatever. Come on.

Sarowyn0608's picture

She isn't feeling neglected.
Dad can be in the shower, outside, at work, helping my kid fix something, making dinner, etc and she is perfectly fine. She comes
To me for anytning she needs and her needs are
Met.
What I'm trying to convey is that it's ONLY in those two situations that she does this. You are making it seem like he's outside playing with my kids and SD is left alone, or he's holed up in a room with them and she's left out. Never ever the case and neither of us would ever do that.

Sarowyn0608's picture

You obviously didn't read what I said. Yes her dad does most stuff with her, I stated clearly that they have alone time, and I also stated that my girls go to their dads biweekly.
She is not the only child in this house and we won't be Rolling out the red carpet for just her. She's part of a family! Everyone has their time with each adult.

MummaTon's picture

Your last comment made me laugh...prob not appropriate but who cares..least you're honest! It sounds to me like your SD is jealous and from what you are saying I think this is normal. The baby at 10 months has moved from being a novelty to being a reality in the 4yo eyes. From what I know this is common even in full biological siblings. It sounds like your DH is doing a great job with spending time with all the kids. I think that discipling the 4yo inappropriate behaviour is definitely warranted but I also think that at this age and at this point she needs consistant reassurance (in moderation).

Perhaps you can emphasise her role as a "big sister" and give her age appropriate responsibilities that she would enjoy, can she help bath or feed? Can she tell him a story with picture books? Let her pick the babies outfit. What does she think the baby would like for dinner - pumpkin or peas? Tell her that she is a big girl and her brother needs help and her protection. Praise her when she plays nicely or "helps" him. On the flip side, at 4yo she has no concept of consequences. I strongly advise you not to leave her alone with the baby at ANYTIME! If you go to the toilet, take the baby with you, if you leave the room, even if only for a minute, take the baby with you.

Sarowyn0608's picture

Ty for your response. SD has many self appointed duties to help with baby brother. Getting his diapers, finding his soother, choosing his pjs and socks. Lol- all her choice! She is just as much big sister to him as my girls are.

I didn't even think about the novelty thing..guess it's easier for my girls cuz they are older.
I'll relay that to DH.

How do u suggest we "reinforce" her? I really feel that we, ofc mostly him, is doing that beautifully already and she just wants more more more. He is only one person and can only give so much. Neither he or I are comfortable with making it all about her when she comes.
She MUST get used to the idea that we are a family, no one is going anywhere and she doesn't get the spotlight 24/7. Yes she gets it often, as do the others. Yes she is very much a part of this family. She has her own room, toys, place at the table, etc.

Sarowyn0608's picture

Lol what gives you that impression?? I definitely didn't say that at all.

twoviewpoints's picture

Your two go to their father's every other week aka 15 days a month. SD comes every other weekend aka two 48hr periods.

Your kids get 15 days a month in your home with StepDad, you and Baby.

HRNYC teaches school, she can add and subtract. I don't teach school , but I went to school and I, too, can add and subtract ...it wasn't an 'impression' it was your words that told the combination parenting time.

twoviewpoints's picture

Daddy is Dad's name. What else should she call him? The girl gets two 48hrs a month with her father. Baby gets 30 days with 15 of those with no other children in the home.

The baby is now mobile. Running around the house and getting into much more than what Baby has been. You really need baby safety locks on drawers and cupboards in the kitchen. Remind SD to be gentle. You'd be just as angry is there where danger in that drawer and SD just stood there and watched Baby dig in. SD had the right idea but she doesn't have the maturity to supervise a baby

Sarowyn0608's picture

It has nothing to do with what she calls him, it's the 14 times in 30 mins that is the issue.
She obv isn't supervising my baby..
And regardless of what you think- he will not stop being a dad to our son just because it daughter who is here for "48 hours twice a month" is here. What would that teach her? Do Y suggest he take her to a hotel for his visitation, or ignore the rest of the family when she's here? Give ur head a shake! That is not realistic.
And FYI, smart pants, SD broke the baby lock on the drawer. Go suck some more lemons.

twoviewpoints's picture

:/

Sarowyn0608's picture

Do you actually think that he should be ignoring all of us because he gets so little time with her?
Like he can't shower, cook, clean, keep baby out of harms way if I'm busy etc, just cuz she's here?

Disneyfan's picture

What he should do is make an effort to spend quality time with both of his kids. Work on creating a sibling bond between his two. Make sure SD understands that her little brother isn't replacing her. Give her some big sister responsibilities.

Maxwell09's picture

I understand how you feel, my SS5 has been getting increasingly rough with BS1. He sent him flying into the floor hitting busting his head open the other night which resulted in an ER visit for some glue. A few weeks later BS1 mysteriously has his elbow yanked out of socket and it's another trip to the ER for them to fix it. Even today I let them jump on their brand new trampoline (Thanks grandma) and I caught him purposely jumping down behind BS1 to make his knees buckle and fall. He thought it was funny and luckily BS1 is a tough little nugget but it's still dangerous.

So now that you've read all that you need to understand that this is an age thing and not a "step" thing. At four and young five, they have no concept of personal space and are just now realizing that they can actually cause another child pain, joy, whatever. It's interesting to them. You say your DH parents, so does mine; he's a wonderful dad for the most part but even in nuclear homes there are times when siblings get too rough and someone gets hurt. If your DH is punishing her accordingly then the only thing left for you to do is be more vigilant when the two are together. I watch SS closely his first few days back from BMs because he takes him a while to adjust to playing with his brother that is four years younger than him versus his other brother who is only a little more than two years younger. DH likes to tell SS "be careful because accidents ARENT suppose to happen"

lintini's picture

Wow....I never sent my little brother to the ER and we are 5 years apart. I protected him. I did put chewing gum in his hair though once, then my mom whooped me. Your SS sounds so charming.

Indigo's picture

Apparently, you are wearing your "Resting Bitch Face" actively. Jeez, woman, a whole bunch of folk offered you perspective and suggestions and you are systematically rejecting everything. Good luck and too bad for your SD ...

Stepmonster blog's picture

Sounds like SD is jealous . You seem To be doing all you caN do . I have just noticed my SS12 has changed around my son 2 years . He was really excited about having a brother at first maybe the novelty has worn off . Now when he's over every 2nd wend he withholds toys from him ! And won't share chips or lollies etc causing my toddler to cry . It's not hard to hand over a chip !
Makes me so pissed off ! What can you do ? I am trying to speak out . I have caught him a few times and I say HEY ! Give him his car etc . I hear him cry and I know his annoying him . My SS also goes overboard with the " i luv you daddeee " spew ! In a baby voice over and over .
It's really hard but do what you have to do . i would just suggest to Stand up for bubby SD needs to learn this behaviour is not acceptable . Or lots of reminders of how to be gentle ! Good luck she is only young and will hopefully grow out of it .

sammigirl's picture

I would watch her closely, but continue to stay on top of all her jealousy. To make her behave and interact is the best, if you can stand the continual hassle. She will grow out of this as soon as she starts to school and interact with children her own age. The other "normal" is she has short time at your house and she probably feels left out of the "family scene", only because she doesn't live there all the time. This is all a normal reaction for sure. I would not put a great deal of drama into it and just watch your baby.

Do you know another child her age; maybe you could have another child (her own friend situation) come play with her and have their own time.

When my oldest was 4, he was at the stage of wanting attention all the time. He was jealous of his younger brother 1. As soon as he started to school, age 5, he changed and had his own interest and friends. I had neighbors with children the same age. I would invite them over and when 4 years old had boys his age, he was good.

Just a suggestion, it's been a long time since I've been there; but with that said we have grandchildren and notice the same behavior.

Hang in there, sounds like your DH is backing you and that is 3/4 the battle. Good for him and good for you for looking for solutions. Good parenting here.

ChiefGrownup's picture

You are absolutely right that the routine of the household should not collapse because a Princess Has Arrived. I commend you heartily. The girl is getting fantastic lessons in being part of a family, a team, a real human not a gilded speshul snowflake. Brava!

It is unlikely to happen but I have resolved that if DH and I ever had a baby this child would never ever be in the same room with my SD17 without being glued to my side. The risk of harm is nearly 100% so, no, not going to happen.

The incidents you describe are serious enough that I suggest you adopt the same policy. I think your SD is more an average 4 year old than a holy terror like my SD is but 4 is big enough to do some damage when acting out her 4 year old emotions. Take baby with you wherever you go when the girl is present.

Keep that policy until both kids are older -- the one to be more mature in her emotions and behavior and the other to be less vulnerable.

The asking "daddee" something every 2 minutes may be an excellent opportunity to teach her counting and to tell time. Have her do what you did: count up the time she says it and how many minutes have passed. Make a game of it and include other things to be counted.

Increase the time period as you go along. Such as !. Ask Daddy something once every 2 minutes 2. Ask big sister something once every 2 minutes 3. Ask SM something once every 2 minutes. Next week: 1. Ask every 3 minutes. Third week: Ask every 5 minutes (tell her how fast she is learning you are going to skip a week!) Get creative and mix in re-directing ideas so it's not all just "asking." Tell her to "run down the hall" every 10 minutes, count her dolls 2x a day, etc. etc.

It's just an idea but I would try something like that to help her grow in a direction that benefits her and also benefits everybody.

Thumper's picture

My 2 cents. THIS was a huge lightbulb moment from my dh and I way way back when.

Visitation is the term we can thank family courts for. Anyway, Visitation is NOT designed for the red carpet, special ME and DADDY time or anything remotely like the 2nd coming has arrived. It is for normalcy within the home.

IF Dad mows the grass Saturdays at 1pm so be it, he mows the grass. If SM starts laundry at 10am, and the kids sit in PJ's watching cartoons and ride bikes at noon so be it. IF everyone plays soccer or has dance Saturdays at 11--well guess where you are, at dance. NO special accomidations period.

The problem IS hearing from an ex "oh you don't do anything with snowflake" and bammm all hell breaks loose and before you know it the entire family is UP side down scramming to entertain where no entertainment is necessary IT is however started by one single puppeteer in a lot of broken homes for anyone who falls for it.

Your step daughter is harming and that should be reported with a child Psychologist. NOT a LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker, NOT a family therapist but a Dr in child psychology. This is not about her fee'fees or maybe it is. In any event the last thing you need is an accident where the baby is hurt.
DO NOT LEAVE her alone with this baby.

Come on HRNYC---really?

And,

OP I am gonna give you a huge break with the "stfu" comment pointed at a kid because I know your upset. WRONG WRONG WRONG to write that stuff.
JMO
.

Thumper's picture

***ADD****

also, try to remember she is only 4---the divorce and break up of her family is hard on her. Add into that mix your arrival and your children. Doesn't matter when you starting seeing dad.

BUT hurting anyone is never ever ok. Interrupting IS child like however, She will quickly learn these basic things in Kindergarten IF her MOM and dad don't teach her at home.
Heck adults interrupt and it is down right rude.

twoviewpoints's picture

Hogwash. This child was a loving well adapted kid, blending well, loving her SM and both her two stepsisters. No one was 'doting' on the weekend kid. No one rolling out red carpets. No one ignoring SM and their kids... Until :

OP on 12 Nov:

"She can not want me around all she wants as she ages but it won't matter a damn bit lol, this is my home. And my children's' home. Majority rules lol. What's good is that DH is aware of all of this (he's been reading step family issues like I have been) and he's prepared. I give him fake scenarios and he responds fairly.
The One who pointed out that she's insecure about her dad- yes,
For sure she is!! Bm told her that she will never have more children because she loves her the most and that daddy doesn't love her the most because he had a new baby. (Wtf!!?) SD told us that when she was 3.5, no way she could make that up.
BM told her that daddy has a new princess now (me) again wtf?!?!
He does his best to assure his daughter and she usually is well adjusted and happy. She shares a room with my daughter and everyone gets along well. I don't have that feeling of wanting to hide when she comes (although from age 0-6 mos I did NOT want her around my son and I still don't know why, and if someone says he resembles her I say NO he doesn't!)"

BM poisoned the kid's head, SM pushed SD away (for reasons she admits she has no idea as to why) and Dad started laying roles in scenarios that weren't actually existing.

And the OP wonders "why is this happening all of a sudden"? *SMDH* OP went on and on and on on everything was just rosy, happy, wonderful 'all one big family'.

SO while you're busy reporting "child Psychologist. NOT a LCSW Licensed Clinical Social Worker, NOT a family therapist but a Dr in child psychology"...be sure to report the role BM and SM BOTH played in isolating this child. Op has numerous forum post, read them.

Rags's picture

I find it interesting that SD-4 appears to have no issues with your two elder daughters doing things with your DH and only manipulates when your 10mo old is having Dad time.

It seems to me that this kid has a bit of a manipulation problem associated with no longer being the baby. From what you said in your OP your DH spends a significant portion the time that SD is in your home with her. EOWE is not a huge amount of time but it is regular and since it is regular SD should be held to the same behavioral standards (in an age appropriate manner) as any other kids in your home.

I would surmise that an effective way of dealing with this behavior would be for your DH to put her in her room alone for an extended period of time when she injures the baby. Not just a few minutes. Make it half a day. All while everyone else in the home goes about their normal business. If your two happen to be there... so be it. Then DH can jump in with the lecture about how she is the elder sister and cannot hurt her baby brother and ... if she does it again she will stay in her room (except for meals or if the family goes out somewhere) until she leaves to go back to her BMs.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

She will get the message or ... not. Either way she is held accountable for her choices.

Good luck.