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my husband spends every Christmas Day at his Ex's house, leaving me alone-is this wrong

alexndra166's picture

Every year, for the last 6 years, my second husband gets up and heads to breakfast with his biological kids, and ends up staying the whole day at his ex's home. I cry every year because I am left alone on Christmas day.

He gets angry and says, "You know I have kids" when I confront him about this. I feel he does not think about the fact that he is married and that we should be creating our own traditions. Same thing on Thanksgiving-he drives his kids down to San Antonio to spend the night at his brother's home, instead of making a Thanksgiving dinner with me.

It is like he does not even want to create any traditions around our marriage. I believe he is stuck in dad mode and does not really understand that he is supposed to be creating traditions with me, as a married couple.

Advice?

twoviewpoints's picture

How old are these children?

Knowing he has kids and being completely isolated from your husband and his kids at holidays are two very different things.

It would seem creating traditions with DH are the least of your troubles. You can't even get the guy to spend holidays with you. Period. Do the children do visitations on non-holiday times in your home?

evewasframed5's picture

More details would be nice. Why can't skids split Xmas among both homes? Can you not go with DH when he visits his brother?
Is there no visitation schedule? Did you know this would be the norm when you married him?
Marriages are complicated - I'm not passing out the just divorce him advice.
But the "you knew I had kids thing" is something that's a pet peeve of mine. Just because your spouse knew you had kids isn't justification for putting them low on your list of priorities.

happystepmum's picture

I'm honestly gobsmacked at this. Custody issues or not, what the hell is your husband thinking??? This is wrong on so many levels!

CANYOUHELP's picture

You kind lady; you are being treated horribly by this man; he seems to have forgotten he HAS A WIFE; so I would remind him of it and tell him he either creates reasonalbe alternative plans or present him with walking papers, so you can have the freedom to find a partner who values you and your feelings for a change.

He is a pathetic excuse for a husband, period. Do not tolerate this treatment, do whatever you have to do make create a positive change in your life. I am sorry you have to deal with this every holiday, no WIFE should be treated like this!

yolo222's picture

I agree with the other posters. What your husband does is wrong. Not sure why you would stay with a man who hurts u so badly.

Genelady825's picture

SIX YEARS! You have lasted SIX YEARS with this arrangement.This is so disrespectful to you. You should be invited along or I say head for the hills. I could not stay with a man who disrespected me this much. Why does he do this??? Because he can! Get out or lay down the law.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Tell him you'll be getting a date for next Christmas, Thanksgiving, and every other holiday. Since he's so busy not being a husband he should not object to you getting busy not being a wife. Start with Valentine's Day coming right up.

StepMomStruggles's picture

Six years! This really should have been discussed the first year. He doesn't sound very considerate. I don't know any families personally that have this arrangement. I would never have agreed to it. At this point he knows he can do it and you will stick around so there is no motivation for him to change. You need to have a serious convo with him about making changes this year so that he can warn everyone. Offer to do a brunch and have the kids over to open gifts after they finish at BM's or something. Go to TX with him. If he refuses and shuts you down then suggest marital counseling. If he refuses that I would go to counseling on your own as there are some pretty big issues with respect and compromise being railroaded here. Not sure how old the SKIDS are but we always had our "Christmas Eve and Day" early if it was not our year to have them on Christmas Day. We told the SKIDS that Santa knows kids who have two families go thru a lot so he makes two stops for them so both families can enjoy Christmas.

Rags's picture

Not in my world! That you tolerate it mystifies me.

Time to start booking a vacation, a really nice and expensive solo vacation, every Christmas from here on out ... until your DH pulls his head out of his butt. As for Thanksgiving... I would book into the La Mansion on the San Antonio river walk or at the Menger and celebrate your own TG in the lap of luxury and leave your DH to hang with his spawn. Take your own car and don't tell DH what you are doing. When he arrives home and you aren't there he can stew until you walk in looking amazing from your full spa day and luxury gourmet Thanksgiving dinner. When he asks where you were... tell him the same place he was. In San Antonio enjoying your Thanksgiving.

Have fun! }:)