Help!

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

I have a 12 year old daughter from a previous relationship..when my husband and I began dating she was 8 years old...he has a 20 year old son from a previous marriage but he lived with his mother in another city...my husband and I have a 2 year old son together...after we married, his older son moved in..,(hes very smart but flunked out of college his first year and doesnt know any responsibility...my 12 year old daughter acts like she has more sense than he does)...my husband didn't communicate anything with me..he basically told me that his son was coming to stay for 3 months until he goes off to the military...okay, 3 months I can deal with...now fast forward...the three months have passed...my step son lied about going to the military, so now he wants to try to give school another shot...he wants to live with us while he goes to school for his Bachelors Degree, taking 2 classes at a time..??? How long is that going to take?!!! It took me 4.5 years and I was going full time...I feel as if he's doing just enough to appease his father so that he can continue to live rent free....he doesn't clean after himself...he doesn't cook...he won't do anything around the house, unless you tell him too...he's addicted to his game...and will play 12 plus hours...I feel as if hes a bad influence on both of my children...I don't feel it's okay to move his grown self in with my beautiful/innocent little girl....I think it's unfair and I can never talk to my husband about his son because it always leads to an argument...What should I do? I'm so confused and it's stressing me out...

Comments

yolo222's picture

You need to talk to your hubby and he shouldn't have made decisions about the son moving in without discussing it with you. There need to be some rules for the 20 year old while he's living in your house. You and your hubby need to set up the rules together and enforce them together. If he's defensive about his son this is going to be impossible and I don't see things changing.

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Yes...I'm definitely dealing with the inability to talk to my husband about his son...thats why I found this site where I can talk to other step parents...this gives me an outlet...thanks for responding !

JASD1977's picture

Biological parents are hardwired to protect their children and are often blind to their shortcomings, at least that's what I live with. If your step is only taking 2 classes at a time, he should at least be working part-time somewhere and I think you and his father should insist that he find a job in order to live there for free.

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

It was a very legitimate question...I'm wondering am I stupid for allowing his grown son to live in the same house as my daughter?? I don't know how long he's going to be here...

Disneyfan's picture

It's not a legitimate question.

If you were concerned about your husband's son molesting your daughter, you would move out. If you use the possibility of your kid being a used as the reason why SS should be there, your husband should tell you to take your daughter and leave. Then he should fight for full custody of your son. The reason should be he fears that your daughter may one day molest him.

This all sounds pretty damn crazy doesn't it?

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Huh? So if you had a little girl, there would be nothing wrong for allowing a man (because that's what he is) to move in and live with her? Excuse me for being a concerned MOTHER!!

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Wow...please try to comprehend what I am saying before responding in such an ignorant way..Thank you!

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

The SS walks into my daughter room without knocking...he gives her no privacy ...they are not blood related and she's becoming a little woman...I just don't want to give him a chance to even try to think about her in a sexual way...he wasn't there before the marriage and I was sooo happy...he's been here every since and I haven't been happy...he was originally supposed to "pay rent" which was going to be his deposit for his own place...now, he's just preparing to not go anywhere...he's not trying...I just feel if he continues on this path, he will end up being a BUM who doesn't know how to take care of himself..my daughter even knows how to make breakfast..he hasn't made or attempted to make anything besides bowl of cereal...it ridiculous...he will eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner...he is nasty..I hate that they have to share a bathroom...his dad has told him to clean behind himself..but he doesn't listen..you still have to go behind him and point out the things he should do...he's very smart but the video game has clouded his head...I don't see anything working for him, besides him going to the military (which was his original plan)...he will learn discipline and responsibility and they will pay for college...allowing him to stay home, is just allowing him to not grow ..thanks for your response

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

DH..is the bread winner of the family...I work but he pays all the household bills...my husband is very good at household tasks and loves a spotless house...it's just overwhelming for me to go to work and come home to a sink fulll of dishes and his son has been here all day playing the game...

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

DH takes up for his son..I.e., "His mother did everything for him growing up, he didn't have to clean after himself, etc.". Thats a great question!! Thanks, I will ask him this!!

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

He just said that yesterday, but of course he didn't do it...he's playing on the game now...my husband is at work...he'll be on it until my husband gets here and tell him to get off...then he'll get off til we go to sleep, then he'll sneak back on..same scenario tomorrow, the day after, the day after, etc.

Disneyfan's picture

So your husband is the one paying for the home your daughter lives in, but you want to tell him his son can't stay there?

Good luck with that

Disneyfan's picture

Agreed

But one is his bio and one is his stepkid.

That fact that he is the only one paying the household expenses MAY impact his views on this.

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Speak for yourself..it's not about kicking it his bio kid..it's about helping him to become self sufficient and responsible...something that you seem to know nothing about...you are probably living at home with your mom now...

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Yes, you are confused and your comment just confused me as well. I am trying to get my SS to become self sufficient..to learn the things nescessary for him to succeed at life. I am against him playing the game as long as he does. I want him to put his brain to work...I want him to be more productive....Both parents work in my situation...SS doesn't work...I know the path he is on will lead him to corner begging for change..I feel as if I want more out of him than his own bio parents, who have allowed him to not do well in school, not work, play the game 12+ hours, not learn to fix himself anything to eat, not clean after himself, not clean himself, etc..If I were I were in Education and he walked into my classroom, I would teach him as I would my other students. I would encourage all of my students to go to college, take it serious and brain storm real life examples of what can happen to them if they take college as a joke opposed to taking college seriously..I am not able to talk to my SS that easy...I am having issues talking to my husband...that's why I came on here..I have received some wonderful advice and yes, I am taking everything into account..thank you !

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Okay..sorry about that..I thought you were talking to me...as far as Disneyfan...she's irrelevant and her opinion is not wanted this way... ;)....I agree with your take on your son and the way you are raising him..yes, what the parents are doing to my SS Is a shame...I don't want our difference of views to end my marriage...but SS needs help and if there isn't any progress in the near future, I can see myself living separately Sad

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

I haven't ever talked about setting goals ....that is a great idea and I will start our next conversation about the SS that way...he originally was supposed to go to the military.. :(...even though his ways annoys the crap out of me, it wasn't as bad when I thought it only be for a short period of time...I doubt if my DH will argue against setting obtainable goals for his son ...I'm learning each day and thank you for this idea...it has to work !! Smile

Disneyfan's picture

If you want to talk about me, please make sure your information is correct.

My beef is with women or men who are not financially supporting the children they bring into a new relationship. I have always suggested a second wife work so that she isn't at the mercy of a controlling, abusive.... husband. Also to ensure that she never feels stuck in a situation she no longer wants to be in. Hell, this actually applies to all women.

I stated earlier that her husband was wrong for moving his son in without talking it over with the OP first. I also said that he was wrong for not having an exit plan in place for his kid.

I think this whole stranger danger line of thinking is wrong. Using that as a reason to get the kid tossed out is just sick. We have read stories here of BMs going after SMs in in that manner. It's just wrong no matter who does it.

I stated earlier that I agreed with the OP's feeling about how the SS came to be in their home and the fact that the 3 month period expired and he's still there without an exit plan in place.

Yes, I do believe men or women living on someone else's dime do not have an equal voice. When it comes to finances in step families, I think each person should contribute equally. That way no one can say if it weren't for me, he/she and his/her kids wouldn't have__________.

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

You and your friend came up with the Stranger Danger concept...I've always said he needs to become a man or else! That's the problem...yes, I said I don't believe in raising my daughter in a house with a "grown man" ..who does nothing but play video games all day..I sure did..you guys stretched that...so because my husband pays the bills, it's okay for his grown, lazy son to just move in and does nothing?..my 12 year old is more productive than he is...is he supposed to live with us til he's 25? 30? 35? All the while still playing the video game and taking a course or 2 courses towards his Bachelors..that's my issue...you guys turned it around..not me..

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Some men are just wired to take on all of the finances...I am well capable of contributing financially, but he rather I spend it on groceries, the kids, myself, the house, etc..this is how he is ...his grand dad was the same way and so is his dad..the men in their family take on the household finances...It doesn't make me feel less of a person..I still take well care of my wifely and motherly responsibilities...I think it's unfair and insulting for you to be referred as a "child"...you are in school full time trying to make your future brighter...

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Exactly!!

twoviewpoints's picture

You said SS eats nothing but cereal...breakfast, lunch and dinner. Assuming you and/or Dad (who likes things spotless) cleans up after yourself, the little one and your daughter, how many dishes can possibly be sitting around in the sink? A couple cereal bowls, spoons, maybe a glass?

Just out of curiosity , why does your husband pay all the household expenses if you too work? Don't you feel a financial obligation to support your own daughter?

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

My husband pays all of the household bills because that's the type of man he is...I'm an educated professional, and I work...I pay my car note/insurance, keep food in the house and take care of my kids...My husband moved us into his home 3 years ago..that was our agreement...I go to work everyday and did so when I was pregnant...my husband makes wayyy more than me and financially he can do that and still have more spending money then me...this was our agreement...I still take care of my children outside of paying any household bills...just because he pays the household bills, doesn't mean I'm not supporting my daughter ...also, yes...bowls, spoons, glasses,etc...when I was younger we would have the kitchen spotless for my mom before she came home from work...If I wash the dishes/clean kitchen before I go to bed...there is no reason, I shouldn't come home to the kitchen I left..

twoviewpoints's picture

He's 50yrs old. What are you going to do when he retires? Did your agreement include you taking over all the bills then?

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

We will still be well off when he retires...our children will all be grown and out of the house...I will work for as long as I can and mainly for health insurance..

Gud2bqueen's picture

He lied to you both. Is his Dad not even concerned about that? Sounds like Dad needs to learn some boundaries. 

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

If it was more to it, I would've went there...trust and believe...he knows not to try it again!!

Disneyfan's picture

This story keepshort changing/expanding

None of the possible sexual stuff was even mentioned until another poster tossed it out there.

At first it was a clear cut case of husband ignoring the OP moving his kid in. Which was wrong on his part.

Another concern was the kid staying beyond the original time with no exit plan in place.

Now it has morphed into my baby girl may be in danger. If this were a real concern, why wasn't it in the original post????

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Thanks for your comment...I agree with everything you said...yes, the thread went to the left really fast...at the end of the day...I want to help his son become a disciplined/responsible man...because right now, he's the total opposite...my daughter is more mature than he is...if I were to ignore him and his ways..I guess I'll be contributing to him becoming a bum, because that's the route he's going...but I wasn't raised like that and I just can't sit around while he waste his life...he will definitely thank me when he's older and is taking care of home as he should...I want him to be the MAN of his house one day...allowing him to stay on the game aand to not doing anything productive is enabling him to continue to be dependent and lost...I'm only trying to help him...my husband and his mom both wants help for him...he's 20 and cant do anything...I'm only trying to help..

sasha101's picture

I don't see why what seems a perfectly valid concern to me is attracting such criticism. The OP doesn't appear to be saying the ss20 can't stay there, all she's saying is that he needs to stop being a lazy, selfish pain in the ass, clean up after himself and as the third ADULT in the house, do his share of chores just like the other 2 adults in the house already do. He also needs to get off his lazy butt and get a job and pay his way. Doesn't matter whether it's dirty bowls, glasses or mess from making a 3-course meal left in the kitchen, it's still totally unacceptable that OP leaves the place clean and tidy and comes home after working all day to a mess made by another adult who's done nothing else all day but eat, sleep and play stupid computer games! He's getting housed, fed and presumably getting rides and his laundry etc done for him for free, at 20 years old when he's more than capable of contributing financially and otherwise!
I totally get what OP is saying about the example this is setting to the younger kids - how many little boys look up to their big brothers and want to do everything they do? And as for not giving the 12yo girl the privacy she deserves, that is totally unacceptable and the dad of this 20 year old loser needs to tell him in no uncertain terms he never, ever goes in the girl's room again. The ss's reasons for doing this may be totally innocent and he may not even have thought about how it could be interpreted, but whatever his motivation, it sounds like the OP is aware and is, very wisely, keeping an open mind at the moment but at the same time is keeping an eye out for any signs of the ss doing anything inappropriate towards her daughter.
The father also needs to be laying it on the line that he expects his son to get a job and pay his way and do his share of jobs around the house, and if he doesn't mend his ways before a set deadline, he has to go and then he has to stick to his guns if/when his son fails to do as asked.
I think part of the problem here is the father of this so-called "adult". Unless he stops being such a soft touch and lays some rules down for his son, I'm afraid the OP is probably fighting a losing battle. All she can do is make it clear to her husband that the current situation is unacceptable, tell him what she expects of her SS for him to be able to continue living there (ie perfectly reasonable requirements of get a job, do his share of household tasks and respect her daughter's privacy), tell him it needs to be done by a deadline and that if it doesn't happen, ss will have to leave otherwise she will and mean it.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Couldn't read the whole thread.

Sorry you got a lot of lint in there. Ignore it.

You did not raise this sloth, you should not have to suffer the consequences of how he was raised.

Try to have a loving heart to heart with your dh about setting up a plan to launch for this critter. It starts with expectations around the house and positive steps toward doing something with his life. No, 2 college classes a semester doesn't cut it.

If he only wants to take 2 classes, he should be able to be fully self supporting. Applebee's, Walmart, Jack-in-the-Box, grab those applications and start working, boy. Untold legions of people put themselves through school that way.

If he wants to stay in dad's house he has to contribute to the household via all the rules you and dh are going to set up AND he has to go to college full time.

I don't see how you can survive without one of these two plans.

I would draw a line in the sand over this. This (young man) was never your problem. You are willing to work with your husband in solving it but you are not willing to throw your own kids nor yourself under the bus for it. If you have to, I would move myself and my children out at some desperate point. Let dad "raise" his legal adult. You can remain married apart. You have to make dh understand how serious this is. And then you have to build your life.

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Thank you...I've been saying this all along...I didn't create this problem but now I'm faced with it and it's stressing me out..no one wants to hear my solutions...I'm being the "mean person" because I want to see him do something productive with his life...

IreallyNeedAdvice's picture

Thank you..I have said all along that I would be the same with my BS...it's a blessing your son turned around..I'm praying for the same over here...we are going to have to "launch" a plan soon..he's not getting any younger..