My SD makes me want to leave
At the risk of sounding like an evil asshole, I'll continue.
I can't stand this kid She's 12. She's the most overprivileged, entitled, spoiled brat I think I've ever encountered. Her father spoils her rotten with new phones, iPads, ski trips, etc etc. and I don't think I've ever heard anyone besides me say no to her. I can barely bring myself to look at her, much less talk to her. I've been in the picture for about 10 years and every attempt I've made to connect with her has been rebuffed. I'm her best friend though when she needs something or whatever or for me to bring her and her friends somewhere. Other than that, I'm trash and not even acknowledged in my own home. When I call her out on her bullshit, she cries to her mother and then I get shit on by her because I'm damaging SD's self-esteem.
A little background on me; I did not have a good upbringing myself as my parents were too busy cheating on each other and/or boozing to give a shit. I had nothing growing up and it makes me sick that this little whiny brat has everything handed to her without as much as a thank you ever escaping her lips.
I feel awful, because I feel like I actually hate this kid, but she's only 12. I have no support whatsoever at all from her mother when I bring up her shitty behavior. SD has said to my face that she doesn't care if I'm around, I should leave, or she wants to go live her father, all of which broke my fucking heart. I told her I'd never stop trying to be part of her life and she told me to stop trying. The anger is only surpassed by the heartbreak. I swore to myself if she ever says she wants to go live with her father again, I'd put her into the car and bring her there myself. That's how fed i am with this bitch. I work way too hard and do way too much for this kid to be treated this way. I love my wife to death, but I regularly think of leaving sometimes just so I never have to see her kid again. Can anyone here help me, give me some perspective, anything? Thanks.
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You are among friends, sir.
You are among friends, sir.
Sending to her dad's did not
Sending to her dad's did not originate from me; it came from her to get a rise out of me. If it happens again, I'll call her bluff.
Damn straight call her bluff.
Damn straight call her bluff. I would love to see that -- especially if there's a SM over there! Oh, my goodness. I would feel bad for the SM but historically rotten little girls can tolerate stepdads better than stepmoms. She will be suffering the consequences of her own brattiness. Perfecto!
Thanks. There is a SM over
Thanks. There is a SM over there and from what I gather, they don't get along. Maybe she holds her accountable too. Maybe if I just maintain my heading I'll make out ok in the long-term. I'll tell you, the short-term sucks. The "bringing her to her father's house" idea is going to remain a fantasy as long as I value my marriage. (and I do) If I shuld ever call my SD's bluff and do that, I'm pretty sure I'll be served some papers.
I can understand you cannot
I can understand you cannot make unilateral custody decisions over your wife's kid. But, friend, please realize you have the right to make some demands in marriage, too. You have the right to have some boundaries that should not be crossed.
This has been years in the
This has been years in the making. I am not jealous of her privileges, I have a problem in that she doesn't say thank you and her attitude clearly is that the everyone exists primarily to do what she wants. She is not responsible for my shitty upbringing. I have a bio son of my own with my ex that can't stop saying thank you and goes the extra mile to help out around the house and asks for, rather than demands, things and privileges and doesn't pout and cry when he nears no.
My step has a lot of great qualities, but she is a terror when she doesn't get her way. I didn't mean to come off as overly hateful, but these most recent events still way heavy on me. Things were pretty good between us up until about 2-3 years ago.
I can afford plenty, I do pretty good, but I want them to earn their "toys" and privileges rather than just hand them stuff. Both kids get good grades but its attitude that matters the most to me and hers sucks. My son can be a asshole too and he gets reprimanded when called for. The difference, my step is not my kid and I have little to no say when it comes to her discipline and her lack of correction, when warranted, is a huge problem.
In my experience a bratty
In my experience a bratty hostile mean-spirited 12 year old can very well engender some intensely negative feelings.
Sir, imho, your family of origin "issues" haven't a single thing to do with your feelings toward this kid. Maybe someone in your house is trying to blame shift by making you think that way. But I advise you to stop linking the two. I personally agree that special gifts and trips and privileges should be earned. You get lovely kids and decent citizens that way.
My skids had never uttered "thank you" in their lives, either, when I came along. When I was still the gf I started my own campaign on that. When we'd all go out for ice cream or whatever, I would say loudly from the front seat, "Thank you, Daaaaad." It honestly didn't take that long for both skids to pick it up. Frankly, that has made an enormous difference in my sanity.
I advise you to either tell your wife right away that you are done with the way things were and you can no longer be counted on for rides and whatever for Princess Red Queen (you know, the one who yells and has her head explode). You feel very hurt that she (dw) has allowed this kind of abuse toward you all this time. You own your part in that you've allowed it, too. You, personally, are no longer going to allow it.
Or......don't say anything to anybody and just drop the princess, shut down her insults, and refuse to participate in any purchases etc where a proper attitude is not displayed. Let the chips fall where they may.
Sorry to see your pain. My
Sorry to see your pain. My current SD10 is fabulous and sweet, the other SD17.5 is an A$$hole and I hate her right now. So I feel you! I often want to leave and run away. Stay strong, but don't be run over.
Well the kid is not going
Well the kid is not going anywhere and I can tell you that if your wife does not nip this behavior in the bud not it will get worse. Especially with teen girls. They can be the worst. Raising kids in general can be heart wrenching and heart breaking. They certainly require more love and compassion then they will ever give u back in return. This is a given.
With all that being said the fact that she is a spoiled brat is your wife's fault. If your wife doesn't change things this situation will continue on indefinitely!!! Good luck
Yolo is right the worst is
Yolo is right the worst is yet to come, kind gentleman, teens are terrible and nasty adult SD's are the worst!
First, you are to be commended for trying to make this relationship work, but you have to stop trying immediately. It would be a blessing if you could pack up the spoiled kid and take her to daddy's.... but, you are likely NOT going to be that fortunate. Change your game plan entirely, no more Mr. Nice Guy, you are being emotionally controlled, and I think you know that...
Instead, ignore her and everything about her, disengage with all things with her and quit trying; what you are doing is not working is it? Tell your wife she is the parent and she needs to do all parenting duties, you cannot please her ungrateful child regardless of the backward flips you do for her.
The blame is your wife, not the child; the child does what she can get away with due to the lack of parenting by your wife, who should not tolerate this mess. As they age, spoiled SD's just up the emotional ante. The liklihood of your wife seeing the light is not great, so YOU have to change YOUR behavior dramatically to protect your own sanity and relationship dynamic and let the chips fall where they may at that point.
Stop doing anything for her.
Stop doing anything for her. Stop allowing yourself to be used by her. No more "best friend" when she needs something.
You can't stand her, yet it breaks your heart that she says she wants to live with her dad?
She told you to stop trying to be a part of her life, so stop. Focus on your marriage.
I only did for my SD, what I knew I wouldn't resent later. I did not bend over backwards trying to get her approval and did not really care if she liked me or not (she was 5 when I started dating my DH). I have always respected the fact that she's my DH's daughter but expected nothing from her as far as our relationship, except for mutual respect, which I got because she was raised to respect adults.
The fact that your wife does not give you any support and allows her daughter's behavior, says more about your wife than the 12 year old girl.
Indeed, you are among
Indeed, you are among friends.
Now, do exactly what the little girl says: drop her.
Plenty of people here will teach you about disengagement.
I will tell you, yes, it's possible to have some very negative feelings about a 12 year old girl. That's the age my sd was when I met her dad. She did say and do terrible things to me. But, unlike you, I did not accept it when my dh did not "see" her do them or defended her actions. I drew a line in the sand.
Things are not perfect in regard to this kid and the parenting she receives, but my marriage is fantastic. I've had to work to understand that he really does not understand some of these parenting things and he has worked very hard to try to get it right.
One thing for sure I did was drop that kid like the hot potato she is. She now knows better than to ask me for anything if it's short of basic human rights. If you adopt the same policy, your marriage will get a million percent better.
If your marriage and your life do not get better, well, you may be in a pickle with some hard decisions to make. Please notice that my husband HEARD me and TRIED. Equally important, I spoke up CLEARLY and FIRMLY.
I don't want to sign off before mentioning never ever never let that or any kid say mean things to you. Shut her down like a piano bench - slam! Flat out say things like "Don't talk to me like that." If your wife doesn't support you in that, you got big big problems and you should NOT have to live like that.
To everyone, Since the
To everyone,
Since the episode I spoke of earlier, I have pretty much disengaged from trying to play any sort of parenting role. When she gets home from school, she pretty much just goes upstairs and stays there until dinner. I got to say, I like it, even though I feel immense guilt for saying so. It barely matters if she is here or not and much prefer when she stays away from me. She CAN be nice to me and she is from time to time, but overall, I wish she wasn't so spoiled and feel that, at this age, she's formed and there's no going back. I understand to an extent that she does view me as a threat somewhat because I take attention from her mother away from her and she probably resents me on that level. As she matures and gets older and experiences that life is not going to continue kissing her ass all the time, she'll eventually "get it" and treat people, me included, better.
I just want to apologize for all the cursing. I usually don't resort to such language but these wounds are still pretty fresh. Thanks to all those who have responded. It validates the actions I have taken and I'll be on here regularly for help and hopefully provide some to others. I am so glad this forum is here and wish I would have found it sooner.
Glad you've taken
Glad you've taken action.
Don't feel guilty. She's not your kid. She's got 2 parents. Neither one of them is you. In my opinion so much of the terror of skids come from this pervasive guilt of the adults in their world.
What children want and need is normalcy. Everyone wringing their hands all the time communicating that they are "broken" or "have less attention" just makes them develop massive holes in their souls that they are always trying to fill with things, drama, attention, people.
If a kid lives in a home where 2 adults act like they are in charge and challenge that at your peril; life is secure; the world is fine and positive -- that kid will be calm and happy.
So many step problems arise because while single the divorced parent devotes nearly 100% of their attention to skid/s. That is not normal, natural, or desirable. The natural condition is for adults to be paying attention to each other and their adult lives as well as to the child and other children. This idea that a kid has to have 100% of mom's attention at her house and of dad's at his house is very detrimental in my opinion. I really hope you stop thinking of it that way and don't let anybody make you think you should.
I did not read all the
I did not read all the comments, but dang you are living my history..... it will not get any better, it will get worse the older she gets.
This is what I did - DISENGAGED...
SD told you she does not like you, she wants to live with her Daddy.... Fine she gave you permission to step out of her life.... and you will do so...
If she wants a ride somewhere, smile and say ask your Dad, if she wants money, smile and say ask your Dad....
read the link below - this saved my relationship
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I never talked to my SO about it like they say you have to - I simply stated doing it..... SO asked me a couple off times why can't I drive her, I smile and say - remember she told me I'm not her mother and I should f@ck off... well her mother can drive her....