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Been a while, but I need advice...

MomandSMofSix's picture

So we recently moved to be closer to SO's kids. Love it here honestly. Smile
However this means SKs stay over 2-4 nights a week. They are 13 and 14, just about 15 and can catch the bus at the end of our street. They both have phones with alarms, the older also has an actual alarm clock in his room.

Today he missed his alarm clock, several phone calls to wake up, and his bus. Rgh. I had to wait until my 2 oldest were on the bus, then wake up the baby to bring him to school. So irritating.
Anywho, he's now in trouble with sports and unable to compete tonight and this is allllll my fault.
SO is pissed that I didn't wake him up at 6 am and make sure that he got on the bus. I 100% believe that this is absolute balogna. First of all, of course I am to blame, I am always to blame. Second, hes almost 15! I am NOT his mother so why am I expected to follow HER rules in MY house. When I was a kid my mom didn't wake us up, we set our alarms and got up on our owwn, and if we missed the bus or were late, it was OUR responsibility and WE got the punishment!
This kid is allowed to come and go as he pleases, help himself to whatever he wants...he literally TELLS his dad what their plans for the week are, not ASKS. But he can't get himself up in the morning with 2 alarm clocks and his dad calling 10 times! ?

I am NOT wrong. I am not his mother. He needs to learn a little responsibility and needs consequences. I'm sick of being the skape goat all the time.

Anywho SO and I are fighting. He says I'm being childish and an asshole. I think hes being ridiculous.

Btw I work a NIGHT job. It puts me in bed between 1am and 3am every night. I already have my 2 older kids to worry about getting up by 7 and ready and out the door each morning, and now he execs me to get up an hour earlier to make sure his wittle pumpkin is all set?!

In need of advice. I feel I'm right. He keeps exclaiming that everyone he tells our situation to says I'm an asshole already wrong. :/

Comments

SM12's picture

Ummm do all these people he is telling have to work nights or deal with the stepshits??? No. So either he is feeding them a line of Bullcrap or he is lying himself.
If I were you, I would tell your DH "OK dear, I will wake little Johnny up no problem" Then little Johnny would be woke up with a pail of freezing cold water on him when he failed to get himself up at 6 am.
And where is your DH that he cannot get them up himself??
I Don't get my DH's kids up for school. That is on him. Not my kid, not my problem.
And I didn't expect my DH to wake up my BS for school either.

You're DH is being a rude jerk and you should not be the one in trouble. He needs to deal with his kid not getting himself up.

MomandSMofSix's picture

That's how I feel too, your kid your problem. He's at work when it's time for them to get up. He leaves at 5am.

zerostepdrama's picture

15 years old is old enough to get himself up. Does he normally have a hard time waking up? Did he not set his alarm?

Whatever SS's consequences are, you are 100% not to blame.

Curious though- if you had not been there, how would he have gotten to school? What are his options? Would you have been okay with him staying home?

Not too long ago this kind of happened with my 11 year old. I leave first for work, then DH, then BS.

DH texted me at work when he left the house and said "BS was still sleeping when I left." BS should have been up 30 minutes prior to DH leaving. DH said he said something to him but did not make sure that he was awake before he left. DH's words "Guess he shouldn't stay up so late".

BS forgot to set his alarm. BS called me 15 minutes later like "Oh no I just woke up."

To me, I felt like DH should have made sure that BS was awake before he left the house. This is not something that has ever happened before, so it's not like this happens all the time.

Thankfully BS made it to the bus on time. But had he not the only other options would have been #1 for him to miss school that day or #2 me to leave work and take him to school. Not sure that those options would have been better then teaching him a lesson about setting his alarm.

MomandSMofSix's picture

I am home during the day so yes I was able to bring him to school, despite the hassle for me. Our situations are a bit different though because you are both already up when your BS has to get up so it's not the added Hassel of getting up an hour earlier like in my situation. I get in so late, or rather early, that I'm already exhausted trying to get my kids up and out the door.

DaizyDuke's picture

Your DH is the asshole. There is no reason that a 15 year old can not get up with the help of an alarm AND 10 phone calls from his dad. And the fact that you work a night job, makes it even MORE ridiculous that your DH expects you to be responsible.

robin333's picture

I am with Daisy. He's old enough to be responsible for getting up on time and there's no reason you should get up early because he cannot. That's BS especially with your work schedule.

Also it sounds like it is necessary for all wifi and electronics to be inaccessible after 8pm.

bearcub25's picture

That punishes the kids that do wake themselves up or get up and get to school without a problem.

So_Annoyed's picture

Ha, I heard the same from DH about some of our issues. My question is, what is he/they REALLY telling them? Because when I've shared the issues with my friends, they all think he's an ass.
I'm guessing it's being spun in their favor, and the poor skid is the victim in every story. RIDICULOUS.

So_Annoyed's picture

You have to stand your ground and tell him no, and too bad if he doesn't like it. I did the same, it went over like a lead balloon, but I haven't wavered. SD is not my responsibility, and if she cant be responsible enough to wake on her own (with her 2 alarms set) then it's on him to correct.

They love to blame us, because who else can they blame? They wont hold the skid accountable, they surely aren't going to say it's their fault for non-parenting.

Disneyfan's picture

Call me nuts (or a crazy DISNEY BM LOL), but I agree with SO..NOT with the way he spoke to you, but with his view on the matter.

Even if all the kids in the house have alarm clocks, I would expect the adult in the house with them to make sure they are all up and moving. You do that with your kids, so why not with the others?

If this were my kid, I would be livid with him and you. Him for slacking off and you for not being aware of what was going on in our home.

I get the not my kid, not my problem view, but I think it goes a bit too far at times.

What your SO and his kids do before you moved in?

zerostepdrama's picture

I think she is normally asleep when SS is supposed to be up and getting ready. She doesn't have to wake up until after he leaves for school or is awake?

If she is normally awake though during that time and notices that he is not awake then I think she should wake him up. At least the first time. Then have DH talk to him about making sure he is getting up on time because OP is not his personal alarm.

bearcub25's picture

Absolutely not!

If they moved to be closer to HIS kids, then he needs to adjust his work hours or the kid needs to stay with BM on school/game nites.

The kid slept thru 2 alarm clocks, so he may be a heavy sleeper, or he stayed up half the nite. She has to keep harping on him to wake up, he could get pissed being woke every 10 mins and go off on her, especially as he gets older and bigger. My own DS was a bitch to wake up in the morning and his bio Dad had to step in sometimes.

MomandSMofSix's picture

Yah we don't really get along either. The kid barely talks to me. And he's already 6ft 260lbs

bearcub25's picture

You need to tell Dad that either he adjusts his work schedule or the kid can stay with Mom on school/game nites.

I make my DSO wake up SS17 when he stays over, but my DSO knows I will just stay with my Mom when SS is there bc I refuse to step foot in a teen boys bedroom when they are sleeping, a teen boy not related to me.

Icansorelate's picture

Your DH is wrong, wrong, wrong.

You work nights? and a baby?

SS is 15. If he gets up late, it is his own problem and any punishment/consequence is on him- it is a learning experience. Better he learns now and misses some hs sport than learns later and loses his job. Any decent parent would take this position with a 15 year old. You were nice to drive him and you are owed a thank you.

If SO cannot understand that 1. you did him and SS a favor by driving SS 2. SS getting up late was his own fault. 3, because SS was at fault, NO ONE should have expected that the other kids be late or baby be an issue due to ss- he was fortunate you were willing to drive him when you did because you were under no obligation to do so and I am sure it totally jacked up your morning- the one you start after only a couple hours of sleep.

Your SO is being not only an ass, but incredibly disrespectful to you. Both he and SS need to apologize to you.

The way it is solved going forward, is SS now gets up at 5am and it is your SOs responsibility to make sure he is up. Of SS learns how to go to sleep on time and wake up with an alarm clock. It is NOT your problem and if SS is late again- you will not be driving him.

Icansorelate's picture

Sorry, for some reason this one has me steamed.

Your SO is willing to treat you like crap, call you names, talk about you to "everyone", punish, yell at you, and undermine you to the kids in the home, all because a 15 year old missed a freakin high school sport thingy? I am sure SS is the next Tom Brady? Seriously? This is how your SO treats you over high school sports for a kid who is NOT yours? Are you OK with this?

At the very least tell SO, a consequence for how you are being treated is getting SS either up or to school is no longer your problem, ever. That way you never have to be an asshole again and inconveince everyone else so precious SS can have his lazy butt saved. SS can get up at 5. Since he is such a sports star, he can use the extra hour to work out.

Major Blunder's picture

As one of the few men who frequent this site, and I say this with the best of intentions....... I would be happy to come and punch your SO in the friggin wherever, lazy teen should get himself up, azzh@le SO should shut his mouth before someone shuts it for him.

Shaman29's picture

My advice?

Tell your H that if he calls you one more name, he will find his and skids belongings on the front porc. Along with changes locks and divorce papers.

Name calling should be verboten.

MomandSMofSix's picture

Ughhh he's being such a jerk! I asked if he was going to be cranky all night now. He's like "we'll I was really looking forward to watching his match tonight and now hes not even participating, so probably". HERE IT COMES LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. The guilt trip. He always tries every tactic. Whatever will work. It only makes me angrier.

Um also to top it all off, I had a ton of stuff to do before kids got home today and just before I left I got a text saying he had a half day and I'd have to wait around for him. I was fuming but I did. For an hour. He never showed up. Decided he was going to a friend's house instead. Yup

MomandSMofSix's picture

Yes wrestling. He just started, this is his first year and only his second tournament. SO is all upset because that's what he did in school so he's super into it. But the kid does football year round.
He tried to tell me the entire school was pissed because he can't compete, and that he had to drive there to explain why he was late and that I seem like an asshole to all of them. Okay thanks fr having my back asswipe.

MomandSMofSix's picture

I've said this to him before too. I never noticed it until the last year...

I see a psychiatrist once a month and had missed about 4 months recently but saw her last week. She basically just wanted to catch up on my life and the more I told her the more she leaned towards telling me he is abusive. Not physically. Emotionally, psychologically etc. She even went so far as to hand me a pamphlet of examples for each kind of abuse, and he fit into each one with each examplease perfectly... since then I've been not only angry with h ok m and questioning every aspect of our relationship, but feeling a little better about myself, that I'm not a bad mom, or mean/bitter unpersonable person, or crazy!

SM12's picture

WHAT??? Oh HELL No!!! I would have lost it on all of them. Your DH and SS are ganging up on you and totally screwing with your head. That is unacceptable!!

If my SS went to school and complained to the coach that his StepMommy didn't wake him up in time to get to practice, the couch would blast him for being a freaking baby and not getting himself up. Those two are totally projecting their failures onto you. And I would get ahold of SS15 and tell him he can walk his ass to school every day for all I care.

Lets be real here....They need you a hell of a lot more than you need them. It is clear that they expect you to bend to whatever they need. And if you don't, they are going to verbally and emotionally abuse you until you given in. That is ABUSE!!!!
And to make it worse, your DH is teaching your SS to treat you the same way. What is going to happen when the 15 yr old is 19 or 20 and still living in your home?
Oh no....this is a hill to die on. This is one of those times you need to look at your DH and tell him if he opens his mouth one more time blaming you for this, he will find his ass out on the street.

Its time to stand up for yourself...he will never ever respect you unless you do. Hugs to you

Icansorelate's picture

So when are you going to be done being a doormat for him and SS?

You do not HAVE to do anything for SO or SS. You did not have to wait around for someone when you were given short notice.

Learn the word no and start using it.

Hope you are not cooking dinner for them before going off to work the late shift.

MomandSMofSix's picture

Well I am cooking dinner, but I'm lucky I have the night off tonight, only one this week. I do however cook dinner for everyone before I leave for work every night...
My SO makes me feel like I'm being a shitty person and parent. He keeps going on and on about how everyone he knows/talks to gets their kids up and his parents used to get him up at that age.

He even went so far as to try to say SS was upset asking why I can't just wake him and his sister up like their mom does? Does she not like me?? (Serious pouty face with baby voice was also applied) I could have punched that stupid look right off his face right then. Any sort of way he can work it so that I'm this crazy vicious villain.

MomandSMofSix's picture

Hahahahaha "speshul snowflakes"! This made me laugh so hard

So_Annoyed's picture

Right? I would say, oh yeah, who? Give me their names then, and I will ask them.
I've done this when SO tries to pull this, and he has like one person he told and they believed him.
Well, whatever version of the story he told them, anyway.

Icansorelate's picture

Of course you are, and of course you do. (dinner)

I am out. If you are willing to live this life, be gaslighted, be their slave, their doormat, their whipping post, while you work yourself into an early grave...get to it.

GoingWicked's picture

Just tell him you are definitely "a**hole", and as one, you aren't fit to be around his precious progeny. I mean what is he thinking? You might just damage them psychologically simply by being in the same room. He should keep them as far away from you as possible. In fact, since everyone at his school knows you're an a**hole too, you are now excluded from taking him to and from school or going to his school functions, since you might upset someone with your presence. And since your SS needs someone to wake him up every morning to make sure he gets to school on time, he really should stick as close as he possibly can to his mommy and daddy on school nights. Maybe they should even consider cosleeping, I heard it's great for kids.

robin333's picture

Holy hell. I'm went back and read through your comments. You are being lied to and manipulated. It sounds like your SS is learning how to do the same by his father's example.

My kid has been responsible for getting herself up in the mornings since middle school. It didn't matter that I was already awake. Now that she is in high school, I typically don't see her until after school. The exception is when she has to go in early and I have to take her. I am not heartless (yet) or uncaring about my DD because I don't wake her up. It's called responsibility and I have NO intention of moving into her dorm so I can wake her up. I want and expect her to be self reliant.

Getting one's ass out of bed is a basic life skill. Your DH is not doing SS any favors by trying to task that to anyone but SS.

sunny_skies's picture

I haven't read any of the other comments but there is something I read on STalk a few years ago that I'll always remember about getting a lazy teen out of bed. I really can't think who suggested it, too long ago. But..

Ice cold marbles. Walk in. Lift covers up from bed. Throw em all in there. Walk straight back out that room. Every time the kid moves round, those freezing marbles will follow in the contours of the mattress. I know I'd ever have the guts to do that myself but the thought of it made me laugh!!!

MomandSMofSix's picture

He just got home and just said to me, "well a bunch of the wrestling parents offered to come over to make sure he's up at 6, should I give one of them a key?? Kinda messed up that they'll go out of their way to make sure he gets off to school on time but you can't get up for a few minutes to do it"

Which to me implies that he was running his mouth again while he was out.

Isn't this supposed to be the one person that's got my back?

notarelative's picture

Wrestling must be a bigly sport at that school for a parent to leave his or her children and home to go to wake up a child's teammate. SS must be one phenomenal wrestler.

If you believe that I have an acre of Arizona ocean front property you will be interested in.

Miss T's picture

This guy is in urgent need of a wife-ectomy, and you're going to have to be the one to give it to him.

Seriously, I've got a mouth on me, and he would be afraid to say BOO to anyone at all, especially to me, by the time I finished with him. Oh man. Time to declare war.

If you're physically afraid of him or his giant mutant spawn, call the cops. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200. Just high tail it out of there. Jeezly.

still learning's picture

My 14 yr old (who has mild special needs) sets his alarm and gets himself off to school every morning because I have to leave for work before he's up.

If your DH is sooo concerned about his son then HE needs to be the one to adjust HIS schedule to get HIS son up and out the door. Set your boundaries now, don't run him off to school if he's late. He has a mother and a father he can call right?

Acratopotes's picture

I did not read all the comments, but I'm going left with my advice....

DH recons you are being childish for not waking up his special snow flake? You should do it... fine you will do it, this is how.. get a bucket of ice cold water and 6:05 am you simply dump it on SS - his alarm clock went off, his dad called, he ignored it, see if he can ignores a bucked full of ice water... then smile and say this is what will happen every morning if you do not get your ass out of bed at 6am.... or use a squirt bottle lol...

I used a coffee mug with iced water on my own kid.... after the second time, Deigma is awake 5min before the alarm clock goes off.... so it does work.

kaybee82's picture

You sound just like Mapper. I noticed you didn't respond to the posters who asked you why you stay and continue to be a doormat. Mapper is the same way, but she did finally admit that she was/is/and will continue to be, a doormat. It was a relief honestly, I knew that she was wasting the time of those truly trying to help her, and they/we could move on to someone who actually wanted help.

Sometimes people are comfortable and happy to be used, mistreated, and abused. Those types tend to only want people to talk and laugh and agree with them. And thats ok. As the saying goes "If you like it, I love it".

Acratopotes's picture

Like in Mapper's case - OP does not have any confrontation in her, they where raised differently, they grew up differently, they are not hard and cold like some of us. They rather keep quiet and fold...

There's nothing wrong with it, but if you join this group she might just decide one day to try it, I know she tried being disengaged but that did not work for her, because she's soft... She just needs the right way to deal with her husband and by posting here and reading each one's advice she might find the right way.

OP's skids are all still minors, and living with them, Mappers SD was and 18 year old, never lived with them...
thus Mappers DH was never really a father to her...

kaybee82's picture

I believe you just reiterated what I said. We agree. ALl I'm saying is don't ask for advice if you don't actually want it. It's ok to be spineless if thats what makes you happy. It takes all kinds to make the world go round, right?

Acratopotes's picture

I still have to get use to people asking for advice but not really wanting it lol,

maybe Op is just venting and we are giving advice...I grew up only asking for help if I wanted it..

kaybee82's picture

No she said she was looking for advice. It's all good. She may not realize yet that she won't actually take the advice given, she just wants validation that what she's dealing with is wrong. I'm glad that there are people with patience to help such people.

kaybee82's picture

One more thing: Mapper has been on here for years (YEARS!) Doing and saying the same things. Long before her SD turned 18. She's not looking for help, she is looking for comraderie. Nothing wrong with that.

MomandSMofSix's picture

Well that took a turn towards negative town.
I stood my ground and refused to wake SS up. I slept like crap because we both went to bed so angry and resentful. (I'm one of those ppl that needs to talk it put and not go to bed angry)

SO woke me at 430 to ask me again if I'd get him up at 6. Unbelievable.

I only recently realized I'm in an abusive and manipulative relationship. I've suspected over the years that it couldn't possibly just have been all me all the time, but only recently was that validated for me. So forgive me for not immediately packing up my things and walking away. There was a time I'd do just that. I haven't spoken to my own mother in 10 years for the very same and added things.

I have only myself and my children. Over the years I've lost all my friends. I've never been close with any family. After my daughter was born I became a shut in. I only just recently started working again.
I have no money and nowhere to go. I'm not trying to just up and run away, that's not fair to my kids. We have a daughter together and my boys were very young when we met. They love their new school and friends and our new neighborhood.
My psychiatrist recommended couples therapy if I'm trying to find a way to make things better, so I will.

I have never been a SM until a few years ago so I was desperately seeking people in my same situation for advice. That's why I signed up on this site. Not to come get a pity party or to upset anyone.

Acratopotes's picture

Hon calm down lol.... some of us are bitter old SM's.... some of us are the same way as you,

yesterday I was fine and today I feel like telling SO to get the eff out of my life.... long story...

but seriously do what I suggested... dump a bucket of cold water on that stupid teen kid...
DH asked you to help him wake up - DH never said whisper in his ear softly while gently stroking his hair to wake up.

thus you wake him up any way you see fit.... if SS and DH does not like your way they have to find their own way Wink

MomandSMofSix's picture

I offered last night to throw some ice c ol d water on him from the doorway but he just kiND of looked at me blankly.

I don't even talk to this kid (which of course is MY fault too because I'm the adult so I should go out of my way to make conversation EVERY time I see him!- I have tried so many times by the way and if I even get a response it's usually one word- because I'm a super bitch all the time apparently, nobody wants to be around me and I make them all uncomfortable) so the LAST thing I want to do is go into his room and talk to him or touch him when he's in his underwear to get him up!
First off, so gross, second, so uncomfortable for both of us!

Acratopotes's picture

don't ask any one just do it... }:)

remember DH told you to do it, be the good little wife and obey... DH never said how lol......

oh and if DH tells you you are a bitch... tell him... in capital letters please
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

Acratopotes's picture

start by changing your avatar into a evil witch or awesome woman....

your stepford 50's house wife days are over.... I will teach you how to house train your husband and deal with a bratty teen...

hereiam's picture

I seem like an asshole to all of them.

Really? Nobody thinks he should shoulder any responsibility for not getting his own ass up on time? Part of being involved in sports is responsibility. Maybe he's not mature enough to be participating.

As for your SO, he's a douche. You should want better for yourself and your kids.

MomandSMofSix's picture

Apparently they all think the same. We are 11 years apart in age and so he believes that because of my age difference and the fact that my 3 children are younger than his I just don't know how to properly parent teenagers. I fucking HATE when he tries to use the age card! "When you're older you won't even care about some of these stupid things that bother you so much now, you're just too young to realize" oooohhh that really makes my blood boil.
I am younger yes, but I've had more life experience and am more mature than he and his 3 brothers put together! DON'T talk down to me. I HATE condescending a**holes :/
Our town is a ritzy rich snobby little town where everyone has money to throw at their kids and their kids all rule the roost. So I wouldn't doubt that they all agree with him. I was raised differently and refuse to accept this as actual parenting

Tuff Noogies's picture

i was telling dh about your situation last night. he said you are being totally disrespected by a world-class asshole. but now reading further comments that have been posted since i last read, i just dont know what to say. he is evil. YOU deserve better. your children deserve better.

SM12's picture

Ok first of all let me explain.. I do understand a lot of what you were saying about not realizing you were in an abusive relationship until recently.
I have been there, lived it. My XH was horrible to me. At first, like all relationships, he was perfect. We would discuss everything and talk about any issues that came up. Slowly that changed. After only three months of marriage, my THEN DH lost it on me and did every abusive thing you could do without actually putting his hands on me. I was terrified. But after only being married three months, I was too embarrassed to leave. It didn't happen again for several months. Then he did it again. This became a pattern. A pattern that started to repeat itself more frequently until it was weekly and sometimes daily. By this point I had a child and was also raising his child.
He would come home drunk in the middle of the night and wake me up to scream at me about how horrible his life was and how it was all my fault. I tried to get help from his family but they just turned their back on me. I knew if I told my parents, he would end up 6 feet under and they would be in jail. So I kept my mouth shut for YEARS.
Finally I realized that he needed me way more then I needed him. I worked hard, had a great job, and took care of myself and my child. His words and threats no longer had any affect on me. That is when he ramped up his abuse. Because his hostile words were no longer working to hurt me. I then decided it was time to leave.
After 10 years of marriage I filed for divorce and threw him out of my house. It was the best thing I ever did. He learned he could no longer control me or blame me for all the ills of his life. But it took me years to understand what was happening and how to get out. I don't want you to waste years of your life like I did.
I understand you are not in a position to get out today. But you can start the process. You can start getting your affairs in order to protect yourself and your children for when you can get out. Maybe you aren't ready to do this....you are on the only one who can make that decision. But just know that you can do it. We have all been through some type of nasty crap in our lives and can help guide you. Good luck to you dear!!

ntm's picture

Next school year, my DS will be 11 and in middle school (wah!) and the bus comes through at about 6:50. I am so NOT getting up at 5:00 each morning to tell him it's time to get up. He's getting an alarm clock for Christmas this year and learning how to use it NOW. I get up at 6:45, so I will be able to give him a hug before he walks out the door, but I'm not going to be responsible for him making the bus. If he misses it, it will be a $10 fine for the first ride, $25 for the second, and $50 for the third. He had to pay me $5 when he missed the bus when he was in like 2nd grade. Hasn't missed it since. I would make him walk, but he has to cross a huge multi-lane road with a boatload of traffic and they don't have a crossing guard.