i've walked away
hi, i found this forum yesterday, and already i am so glad i did!
i am only 22 years old and my (now)ex is 38. he has two children, a girl who is 10 and son who is 11. his daughter is great, his son is horrible!
usually i would feel terrible saying this, but now i am no longer a part of that family, i want to scream it from the rooftops!!
i have been their Step mom for 3 years and me and their dad were engaged (no date set, luckily). i have always supported them, treated them with respect, dignity, provided for them, loved them and most importantly, ensured they had a frequent and stable relationship with their dad.
since we first got together, his son speak to me & treated me like rubbish, however, he was 7/8 and i thought he needed time to adjust, over the course of 18 his behaviour deteriorated and he was picking on children at school and his football team. ( i would like to say that this behaviour was his way of lashing out, however, he has always been in trouble for bullying and upsetting children).
last boxing day, he actually screamed in my face and raised his fist. luckily his sister saw this and was able to colaborate with me to his dad. his dad spoke to him and then said to me it was a mix up in communication. no apology, punishment, nothing!!
since then he hasnt held a full sentence me.
this weekend i sat and cried, all weekend. i let them all play happy family down stairs, while i escaped and sobbed.
i have finally packed my bags and walked out, as im 22 i have the option of returning home, which i am going to do.
i know many people will have negative things to say, but my question is....
WHY WILL HE NOT DISCIPLINE HIM?
over 3 years he never once diciplined him for his actions, he never does anything. and if i comment.... im the bad one!
Someone please explain why he lets his 10 year old son (at the time) raise a fist to me, and no consequence occures?!
Sunday, i left. i am at my mothers and feeling stronger than ever (partly because i am still so angry)... but whats everyone elses thoughts, im sure this isnt what life as a step mom is supposed to be like!
any advice?!
Thankyou!
Reading this makes me feel so
Reading this makes me feel so much better straight away!
yes referring to the other replies, i did exactly that... i said to the children when we first mixed that i would never parent them, i would be a friend... my ex did not do any of the parenting....
i will admitt, last year when he raised his fist, i had THE breakdown of all breakdowns. i was screaming my head off at my partner begging him to explain why he isnt telling him off!! in the end i got that worked up i ended in hospital with swelling of the throat!!!
i have begged him to tell them off, make them understand i live here too... he never has
onwards and upwards i think.
x
Yes, I second anotherstep2;
Yes, I second anotherstep2; you have too much to offer to deal with this amount of baggage and dysfunction. Do not settle for less than zero children; even the best situations are problematic and if you do not have to deal with it, do not. You will not regret NOT getting into a crazy step situation again.
What anotherstep said. Good
What anotherstep said. Good for you for having self respect to leave.
The only one who can honestly answer why he will not discipline his son is your ex.
I would discipline the child
I would discipline the child myself if they threatened violence against me, but I presume that your ex took all power for you to protect yourself against his kids away from you so that he was the sole person able to address their behavior in your house.
As for why your ex did nothing it is because he values his child's right to express himself more than he does your right to be respected. He also is probably used to a culture of violence against women such that he sees little wrong in this threat. I find it interesting that you believe that your ex would not have trusted your word alone but needed the back up of another of his golden children in order for your voice to be heard and believed.
Well done for getting out. Each relationship is a learning process and now you know a lot of red flags to avoid in future relationships. Take time to recover with your parents and then move on and move up, do not look back.
Who knows why people are crap
Who knows why people are crap parents. Sadly, there are way too many in this world.
You, however, should stay gone. Not only was he a crap parent, but he was a crap partner.
Definitely go find someone closer to your own age, without kids, and go out and have some FUN. You have already missed out on too much of your own young life.
Block him every way that you
Block him every way that you can. Erase his numbers and forget that he ever existed.
Yes, stay mad. This was a
Yes, stay mad. This was a very bad situation you were in. The man is not going to parent and that boy will become a lifelong nightmare.
Why won't he parent? Because your ex-boyfriend is a very immature man. I usually don't get into age differences but in this case I want you to carefully consider that a 35 year old father of two pursued a teenager. A TEENAGER.
By my math you were 19 when you became a couple with this man. I'm sure you're very mature and all that -- but that's the problem. You are more mature for your age than he is for his. When you yourself are 35 you will understand what is most attractive about 19 year olds -- physical beauty, of course, but malleability and inexperience the most. He knows older women will make demands, the teen will look at him adoringly and accept whatever he says. Until a point when she is no longer so inexperienced.
So now you have some experience. CHERISH IT! Go forth into the dating world knowing something about men, about children, about step-life, and about yourself. Thank heaven you will never be that innocent teen girl again. He will probably find another 19 year old and she will have to learn the lessons you've just learned. Be glad your time in that torture chamber is over.
Go NO CONTACT with this man. Do not answer his calls nor calls from the children. Just go forward.
^^^^This is all the advice
^^^^This is all the advice you need. Spot on.^^^^
My SD22 is with a divorced
My SD22 is with a divorced guy 34 and his two daughters 5 and 7. I fear the same mistake is happening for her. I know his wife divorced him because he was a control freak.
While she must make her own choices, I hope she has the courage to leave if necessary. I think every young woman should have the chance to have her own nuclear family without taking on other peoples' baggage.
What do your parents think
What do your parents think about your almost 40 year old boyfriend? Yes I know you are walking away from him. Thank goodness
You were taken advantage of---in one of the worst ways possible. Find someone near your own age and hopefully a man without kids. Also one who was never married too.
Be HAPPY!!!
Believe me, you will look
Believe me, you will look back in little time and wonder what the hell you were thinking! At 22, your biggest problem should be which date to pick from a crop of guys your own age with no kids...you can marry a 38 year old with no kids when you're my age..49:) Yes, I did find one, it is possible at any age, let alone yours!!
You really shouldn't even be looking to settle down yet, go have real fun while you are young. No amount of money in the world can buy your 20's back.
All kidding aside though..I actually picked up some things from the guy with 3 insane kids (that I left for basically the same reasons you did). I cannot TELL you how hard I laugh as I drive away, music on, me be bopping to my freedom...you will get there quickly, too.
Good job getting out..now stay away when he calls - because he will. Be prepared.
Gosh. You are way way too
Gosh. You are way way too young to date a man with kids. Go out and find a guy with no kids. You would be doing yourself a favor. You made the right decision to leave. Good for u!
Hon I hope you learned from
Hon I hope you learned from this...... at 22 there's enough single guys out there with no children, find one of those, not a second hand husband with brats....
At least you have the choice to become a GUBM and give a SM shit.... that's how life starts, you don't start out as a SM and eat BM shit
As a SD you made the right
As a SD you made the right decision. Leave and stay away. Sometimes I wish I had. Run, run and keep running.....
Congratulations on gaining
Congratulations on gaining this clarity before you invested decades of your life in this shallow and polluted gene pool. That your XDF was such a waste of parental skin dooms his children to a life of behavioral drama that they will likely never get over.
Enjoy the beginning of your new life adventure and take care of yourself. Learn from this and do not tolerate it in any future relationships you find.
Stay away ,,,,, build your
Stay away ,,,,, build your future and carrier ,,, be stronger and independent woman ,,, look for the right man ,,, stay away from complicated life