Adult SDs get to dictate what gets moved where?
Short end of it: Significant other wants me (or him) to ask his adult children (2 are in college and 1 works out of state) permission before we move anything (pictures or furniture etc) or buy new furniture or redecorate in any way.
Backgroung: moved in with significant other 2 years ago. I moved some pictures and dishes (to make room for very few of my possessions- sold at least 85% of my stuff) and now his girls are acting as if it is a travesty if I move a thing. He says I should (or he should) ask their permission as they feel "squeezed out." How about me feeling like I belong and don't have to ask adult children who don't even live here where I can place an object in what is supposed to be "my" house. I pay 1/2 rent, some utilities and all groceries. He thinks he's right. I think I'm right. Want other's opinion.
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You pay half rent, and I'm
You pay half rent, and I'm assuming SO pays the other half? Unless they are paying rent, they have no say.
If they want their stuff, put it in boxes for them. You have every right to put your things where you want in the house you are paying half for. If your SO disagrees, then I think you have your answer. I'd look for my own place.
Not in my house and hopefully
Not in my house and hopefully not yours either.
Like Monkey said, huge red flag.
Wow, he is definitely telling
Wow, he is definitely telling you where you stand. You are a guest in their home. I would straight out ask him if this is the case because that is how he is treating you.
What would Medea say about
What would Medea say about this? " oh hell no!"
lol we typed at the same
lol we typed at the same time!
oh H3LL no. i'd be d@mned if
oh H3LL no. i'd be d@mned if *i*, as an adult member of the household, a full time resident of the household, and a bill-paying member of the household, am told i need permission to relocate an object.
if dh stuck to needing permission and i could not open his eyes while ripping him a new one, i'd just rearrange EVERYTHING just for the h3ll of it.
Really? I'd be moving ,
Really?
I'd be moving , chucking and rearranging Everything!
It would look like a new house when I was done.
That's what I think... he
That's what I think... he makes it seem like I'm being the insensitive one; they're feeling "pushed out," "replaced" etc.
Are most people on here in a relationship? Do you think it can work out if I live on my own with my 3 girls? Should this be the end of the relationship? We get along well otherwise, just don't always want to be put in last place.
It may very well be a clue
It may very well be a clue that the relationship should die off. Not because of the incident alone but because of what a harbinger it is of a very deadly current running through that man's ability to parent and to partner.
It's like getting a blood test and finding a positive result for hanta virus. There's a chance you can vigorously beat it and live long and prosper after. Or there are the great odds that you'll croak.
If you and your fella successfully work this out, bravo! The future is rosy.
But chances are very good this man is going to forever blur the lines between daughters and wives, as if it's all a giant harem serving his emotional needs. There will be more incidents, more misery, more resentment.
Bottom line: as adults, they damn well should feel pushed out. Fly, little birdies, fly! No parent asked my opinion about moving a couch or selling a house after I graduated high school (or ever), did yours? His view would be unnatural even in in tact families.
And for real world comparison, my dh told me explicitly to do anything I wanted with the house as soon as we married (or before).
"....just don't always want
"....just don't always want to be put in last place."
This, my friend, is the Grim Reaper knocking on the door of that relationship. It is possible that with good respect and communication between you two you can work this out. Some have.
But he has absolutely got to come to realize how hurtful and lethal that coming last thing is. He can't just "give in" -- he has to understand it. He has to keep understanding it even if you two broke up and he moved on to another relationship. It's like putting a slow acting poison in a drink. At first, tasty enough, but eventually that putting gf last will kill every relationship.
He probably thinks in putting you last he is putting himself last like a "good " parent, sacrificing all for kids. But there's so much wrong with that creed I'm not even going to go into it. The point is he thinks he's being a good guy.
So it is typically extremely difficult to break these guys of this kind of thinking.
But good luck, maybe it will work out for you and he will really listen.
There honestly is a
There honestly is a difference between a complete remodel and moving the dishes to a cabinet that works better for you .. the one who is living in the home full time.
You need to tell your DH, that organization wise.. you need to be able to move things in the home to allow you to function. That being said, I can understand how the girls might have a knee jerk reaction if they come home and a ton of things look different... especially if DAD hasn't given them a heads up.
Decor maybe I would ease into that but organization and things to make you live in the home more easily/comfortably... you need to have the ability to make those changes. Maybe check with DH on more major issues, but if you change where the silverware is kept, that shouldn't elicit a meltdown.
TBH, I think some of this reaction happens when kids leave home and come back to see changes.. they feel like they "don't belong" sometimes.
However, you DH should be backing you up on some of these changes.
You need to sit down and have
You need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Explain that this is your and his home now and you have a right to treat the house as your home. It is not ok for his children (adult or not) to tell you what you can do in your own home.
If he objects stand your ground and let him know if you are not respected as his wife and an equal partner in his home you will either 1. move out or 2. stop paying half the bills (save it so you can move out).
You are his partner and the person he is supposed to be spending his life with not his kids.
The only thing I would change
The only thing I would change would be my address.
There's no way I would argue, fuss, fight plot or scheme about my place in a house that is supposed to be my home.
^^ This. 100% this.
Omg dejavu.... I had ex who
Omg dejavu....
I had ex who was extremely attached to his adult daughters, who literally were destroying my life,that it's finally caused me total mental breakdown, I left him and moved out. I was so distraught with one of SDs that I had to see a therapist after I left him. Therapist said she didn't know how I survived that long there (and I didn't tell her half the things SDs did out of embarrassment) and that I almost had PTSD after that. I am now happily married to a man whose life isn't run by adults daughters (he has them too but they are not running our lives).
Move on girl. It will never get better sister
(No subject)
If you're staying with this
If you're staying with this guy, time to rent or buy an 'our' house. if not, time to move on.
When a person moves in with another person who already has an established home that the kids have been living in, it sets the 'new' person up to be the outsider. In your case, it sounds worse. If you have to ask permission to add/rearrange dishes to the kitchen cupboards, you're far less than the outsider, you're considered the very temporary passing guest.
I have begged and begged for
I have begged and begged for us to buy our own house. He has definite legal reasons he can not sell.
I still own my house, which is rented at the moment. Can go back with 30 days notice.
This man is WORTHLESS.
This man is WORTHLESS. Please leave that POS. There's so much worse than being alone.
He is just another loser/user. He wants you to pay half of his living expenses while he treats you like crap.
You cannot be serious here,
You cannot be serious here, this must be a joke. But if not, he'd squeeze out every dime from his adult wives and, as for you generous lady, start packing to find a man not so sickly enmeshed with his daughters. I am advising you to take these RED FLAGS seriously, a lot of men are sick to some degree, (I have one with doormat disease); but you are living with one that is making mine look healthy, and that is horrible on top of horrible. Yours has the worst case of this disease I have read on this forum, seriously!
I would tell him since his adult daughters make all the decisions around here, you get the next payment from them! And, then I would not pay, period...until he grew to h...ll up!
You cannot get out of this crazy BS fast enough; thank God he would not let you move much in.....get an immediate exit plan and find a man with no kids!
Even if two of you buy your
Even if two of you buy your own house these SDs will run his life because that's how they were raised. And dad is scared to upset precious snowflakes.
I gave almost 9 years to this nonsense and my exSDs are highly educated successful women. Now as I look back to what happened to me and my exSO, I blame him, not exSDs. My ex is a good man but completely whipped by his kids.
Last year living like that (one of SD's moved in with us) caused me to get pretty much crazy. I thought I was losing my mind. He never thought I'd leave. He only stopped begging me to come back when I got engaged to someone else. I think if I didn't leave though I'd get mentally unwell. I was losing my mind and coped with it by shopping, got so much debt over last few years with them .
Trust me. Think hard about staying with this man.
I would also immediately stop
I would also immediately stop contributing to the household. If I am not allowed to move things, I am not paying a penny. I am so livid right now thinking of BS you deal with.
I've been livid. Now I'm just
I've been livid. Now I'm just sad. All this is confirmation of what I assumed to be unfair.
If this makes you mad you wouldn't believe the rest.
Try us. It will do you good
Try us.
It will do you good to air it and hear some objective feedback. Sounds like you've been swallowing a lot of s*&t sandwiches and telling yourself it's just part of the give and take of a relationship.
Is the house his or his kids?
Is the house his or his kids? (Either way I agree with Disney and all the others saying you should move back to your house.)
The reason I'm asking is that he might feel required to ask kids for permission if it is their house. As an example, my family on my dad's side has owned a farm passed down through the generations since before the civil war. The current owners are my cousins once removed (Dad's cousins). When their mom (who was the one who carried the bloodline) died, she passed the property directly to her children. No legal survivorship, etc, nothing for her husband (the kids' dad.) He'd signed off on it because he knew how important it was to the kids and his late wife that the farm continue to pass on. The kids all agreed Dad would stay on the farm as long as he lived/wanted to stay. He got remarried, and apparently there was a lot of friction between the stepmom and the cousins. Since the kids loved their dad, they let him stay on the farm even though SM banned them from the farm except on holidays. When dad passed away, the SM told the kids to "get the hell off my property" after the wake. They had to inform her that the farm belonged wholly to them and she had no rights to it. They formally evicted her as soon as was legal in Michigan.
Now I think a huge part of the fault lay with the dad who (I'm guessing) never told his wife that the property belonged to the kids. He's probably the reason there was so much friction also. But it may be an explanation for why your SO thinks he needs permission from adults who don't live there.
This is NOT an excuse, just a warning as a potential reason. I'll repeat that I would move out if DH ever told me I needed the kids permission to make ANY changes.
They just moved into this
They just moved into this house maybe 2-3 years before we moved in. I gave up my house that my girls were RAISED in. Form birth. Not much of a house, but it is mine.
Then even more of a HELL NO!
Then even more of a HELL NO! Seriously! French2, if I were in your shoes I'd be sending my renters notice and moving out. Also ending the relationship when I moved out.
If it was me I would. 1.
If it was me I would.
1. Give the required notice to get my home back.
2. The next time he want sex I would tell him to ring his precious little snowflake and ask if it ok as she seems to be his partner rather then you.
3. Stop paying for anything in his house as you not a valued partner in this relationship but just a guest.
4. Stop cooking, cleaning up after him you ARE NOT A HOUSEKEEPER.
Until he see's you as a life partner rather then a housekeeper, cook you will never have a true relationship.
Tell your significant other
Tell your significant other to get a set of balls. He really can't be your significant other if you are not that significant to him by allowing his children to be the "masters" in the house. What a crock of s**t!
Tell him that you also have a place there because you both came to a decision to move in and if you do not then you will have a place elsewhere. Tell him he shouldn't worry about squeezing his children out he should rather worry about squeezing his set of testacles out. Well first he will have to find it..........
Apologies for my rant or if I have offended anyone. Just that this makes me mad....
I've been mad, now I'm just
I've been mad, now I'm just sad. Maybe it's grieving stages, Idk. It's also gonna be so hard to move out, especially since I'm broke. I'm gonna need lots of help moving.
Happy is just around the
Happy is just around the corner. Really. It is.
You will be AMAZED at how bright life can look when you grab your place in the world a full person, a being of respect, a valuable equal with your peers.
When you are not facing every day feeling diminished, you are stronger and brighter, like a vigorous candle, glowing without constant peril of fading into the background.
Please keep coming by and telling us how it's going. Many of us have been through similar feelings and incidents. We'll take strength from each other.
Return any Christmas presents
Return any Christmas presents you have purchased for him or his mini wives. Use that money to help you move.
What does this man do when you move something? If he yelling at you or threatening you? You seem so sweet but also very timid. I hope he's not hurting you.
He doesn't yell at me or hurt
He doesn't yell at me or hurt me.
When I switched out some furniture in one room he acted mad, but quiet mad. Said he wished I had asked/consulted him. Said one daughter in particular doesn't like change and he hopes she doesn't commit suicide. Now, she DOES have mental issues and he didn't say it directly after "she doesn't like change" but he had it in the same conversation... almost implying it. Pissed me off.
I am sweet & pretty timid
Amen. Frenchie, he is NOT
Amen.
Frenchie, he is NOT going to change. It's possible the 2 of you can work together to improve your relationship. But he is NOT going to "change."
Even though he is making a gesture toward you, you are living in fear of the repercussions when an sd gets her nose out of joint over it. This is very bad.
Yes, your dh should say "nunya bidness" to her. But he won't. So you cringe in fear of the Christmas visit.
This is no way to live.
You can find your voice and state to him in clear terms you're not going to live like this any more, you are an adult and you don't have to run your homemaking past anyone, and you need your partner to be happy about that. And he will respect that and you'll move forward together.
Or you can cut your losses. Accept that this family is way too dysfunctional for any woman to join, at least not a healthy one.
If I had to hear about suicide threats every time I wanted to move the couch the whole damn relationship would not be worth it to me. That is the damn truth.
BTW, to add a little reality to your situation, about 4 or 5 weeks ago my dh suddenly asked me if it would be fun to push the chaise lounge and the couch together to make one sprawling space we could snuggle all over. Sure! I said.
When skids arrived a few days later we still had it like that. We did not explain one little thing to them. SD17 never even mentioned it. WHY SHOULD SHE????
So, yeah, homeowners (this was dh's divorced single dad house) can do whatever they want without cowering over the children. It's ludicrous. Dad has some big problems. Will you be able to work them out with him? Don't know. But he will not CHANGE.
"he hopes she doesn't commit
"he hopes she doesn't commit suicide"
That is emotional blackmail. If she is so unstable that she would kill herself over moved furniture, she needs professional help.
There are people who do not handle change and are very upset by it, but they don't function very well in society and need a lot of care and help. There are parents on here who have children who truly can not handle change. They work very hard to make life easier for them and those around them. For him to equate his daughter with a person who is really traumatized by change is horrible.