Does anyone else have a BM who is "involved" just to make your life hell?
This is going to be a somewhat long post, so sorry if I rant or go a little off topic during this. I just really need to vent.
It seems like, for the most part, that most deadbeat BM's stay far away from their kids, and will only show up for the odd visit here and there. BM in my case, will no-show for weeks, even months, and then all of a sudden start showing up again. Every time this happens, I always think to myself, "Oh, maybe she's finally getting her act together," but thats never the case. Even though she will be somewhat consistent with her visits, her behaviors and actions don't change. I am truly convinced that BM despises SS6. Whenever she talks about SS6 there is so much hatred in her voice, and it's never anything good. Its always about what he did wrong and how naughty he is, etc. I have not seen BM hug or kiss SS6 in at least 6 months. Even when she no-showed for 2 months and then finally showed up again, no hugs, no kisses, no "I miss you." All she said was "Get in the car." She could be doing it when DH and I aren't around, but SS6 told his therapist that she never gives him any affection when he is at her house. This Thanksgiving was her holiday, so she gets SS6 his entire break, and she told DH that she would be picking him up and dropping him off at her mom's as punishment for telling DH and I that her boyfriend hit him. She also made sure to mention that her, her boyfriend, her other kids, and her boyfriend's kids would be going out of town to see a football game and for other activities, but SS6 will not be going because he is a "rat who tattletales." What I don't understand is, why pick him up when it's obvious you don't want to spend any time with him? She's always saying how she cannot stand him but yet she will still show up for visits. I know I shouldn't waste my time wondering how a crazy person's mind works but I can't help but wonder what her motive is. I know it seems almost far-fetched to accuse a mother of not loving her children, and I've hesitated at voicing my feelings about it before. DH recently put SS6 in therapy and the therapist has told DH that SS6 has said similar things, so I know i'm not the only one that sees it.
Well, BM also loves to fight
Well, BM also loves to fight with DH and cause drama anyway she can. The cops are called weekly (by BM, not us) and we receive threats multiple times a week on how she will take DH back to court and win full custody. It has gotten to the point where the cops told BM that the amount of calls were getting ridiculous and that she needed to grow up. I didn't add this bit in my original post because it would have been a whole other story. But I agree with you, it would be better for SS6 if she just stopped showing up entirely. She does more damage than good by showing up. SS6 is in therapy right now for the damage she has done and his therapist voiced to DH and I last week that she believes it would be in SS6's best interest to go back to court and get the visitation reduced.
You are NOT alone in this .
You are NOT alone in this . I also believe BM doesn't care about SS8 but uses random opportunities to be intrusive and vengeful . It is hard to imagine anyone not loving their child but you have to remember not everyone knows how , is capable or motivated to give a child the love they all deserve . Keep living SS8 and doing your best . That's all you can do .
Next time though , y'all do have the right to not allow SS to spend holidays with someone without BM. DH and BN have custody, not anyone else . But if you trust the grandparents maybe that worked out for the better so he could spend time with them . Better then than BM it seems like .
DH has primary legal and
DH has primary legal and physical custody and BM gets visitation. We were really upset when we found out that BM wouldn't even be spending the holiday with SS but still didn't want him to be with us, but we didn't think there was anything that could be done about it. SS is better off with her mother than with her, he at least gets fed and bathed when he's with the grandparents.
I came across this blog on
I came across this blog on another site re: a BM's attitude toward her children's SM (and it kind'a sounds like her attitude to all SMs): "What I wish step moms would consider is that when they marry a man with kids regardless if she has her own or not is that life is not fair. It was not fair to the kids when their parents broke up and it was not fair to the spouse that stayed faithful or worked on things got the raw end of the deal. But as the SM in the situation you should expect the unexpected at times good or bad."
Sounds very condescending to me, as if we have no idea that life is not fair! What!?? I sure hope not all BMs feel that way--almost sounds like she thinks SMs are sitting on easy street and have no idea of how to take the good with the bad.
Also, regarding this generalized comment: "was not fair to the spouse that stayed faithful or worked on things got the raw end of the deal," I'm sure she's referring to the "fact" that BM is faithful while her ex- (now SM's husband) is the evil one who did everything wrong.
In my experience, there are a
In my experience, there are a number of reasons why BM's stay involved when it is clear they are terrible BM's. There is also a long list why some people should NEVER be permitted to become BM's (but that's another topic.)
Some bad BM's continue with their visitation because they feel obligated. Some continue because of child support. Some continue for control issues. Some continue to use child as a pawn. Some continue to make ex partners life miserable. The list goes on....
One thing that you will learn which is really hard to stomach... SS will still deeply love BM no matter how horrible she is. SS love for BM will defy all odds. So please be extra kind to yourself and let DH handle everything about SS and BM and play a supportive role to DH. It isn't easy, I know.
The best predictor of future
The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. BM has her script, you know it, DH knows it, CPS should know it, his school officials should know it, and SS's therapist should know it. So get all of those who know her script in for depositions and .... nail BM's toxic ass to the wall and take this kid away from her permanently.
Like you my bride held out hope for several years early in our marriage that the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan would change their usual script of manipulation, lies, and guilt tripping and grow the hell up and behave in an adult manner towards our son (my SS) and my bride. Nope, that never happened.... until my bride gained clarity and kept a permanent knot jerked in the tails of the Sperm Clan.
I would were your DH.
Grrrrrr! No kid should have to deal with a hateful parent like your SKid's toxic BM.
Yes and now that she &
Yes and now that she & babydaddy2 have split we can pin point what she was just being difficult on and what really matters to her. Example: DH and I potty trained SS at 2 years old but BM refused to take him out of diapers until he was an older three claiming "he's too young, he's not ready" but with Spawn, she started trying to potty train him since the day he turned 2. Same with co-sleeping, bed times, preschool, sports...anything she can fight about she will but it's not because she doesn't agree with us, it's because she wants to feel like she was the one responsible for making the decision to do it and get credit for it.
That is abusive, to delay a
That is abusive, to delay a childs development to satisfy BM's needs! As I have previously posted, some people should never be permitted to bear children.