Diagnosis!?!
Dr., Psychologists, Psychiatrists, all wanted to tell us SS just has ADHD. I know it's not just ADHD. 3 out of the 4 children in my house were ADHD, and while two have come a long way with proper medication, SS has never shown any signs of improvement on (several different types & dosage). I have spoken with BM (she's openly admitted she's bi-polar) but I do not want to jump to the conclusion that this is what is wrong with SS. I also spoke with DH and finally have everyone in agreement that SS needs to be re-evaluated, last one was at age 10 or 11. He's now 14 and things are getting worse. SS takes no responsibility for his actions, blames everyone & anyone else for his troubles. He is a master manipulator, plays the victim in every situation. I can't take him to the initial appointment myself, BM or DH have to be the ones. However I know BM will push the "He's bi-polar, just like me" and DH doesn't want to admit SS has any mental health problems at all, so he isn't going to be very helpful in getting all the information across for the evaluation. Does anyone know how much of the evaluation for a mental disorder is what the "parents" provide or will they simply sit and talk to SS and make a determination? Either way is not good in my opinion, BM & DH are not with SS as much as I am, and they also view him with loving parent eyes..."my baby does no wrong" type of thing. As for the talking to SS, being that he is the manipulator that he is, one sit down with him is not enough to know what type of hell he can create at school & our home. Any advice on this is greatly appreciated.
There is a well documented
There is a well documented gentic link to biploar spectrum. He may require a dual diagnosis treatment center to get his meds straight. You may be the only sane one in this scenario. You did not go into great detail about his school performance or disciplinary actions taken, but you must focus on his documented behavior/performance/discipline when discussing with DH, physicians, professionals, social workers and such. He sounds like a real challenge, but you are knee deep and cannot give up now. The good news is, since he is now 14 you only have a few years to go under your roof. With dual diagnosis inpatient treatment, there is hope.
"inpatient" as in he'd be
"inpatient" as in he'd be hospitalized? Not that I wouldn't do whatever necessary...BM & DH will never agree to that. It's taken 8 years for me to get them to see there is more than just ADHD.
I don't know the extent of SS
I don't know the extent of SS behavioral issues, but bipolar is rarely diagnosed during young formative years. If he becomes violent to himself or others, don't hesitate to report it to authorities and eventually a social worker will be assigned. Maybe DH and BM need guidance from professionals to take action. It sounds like you take on the majority of the child rearing duties for SS and that is an unfortunate position for a step parent, because it places us doing the majority of the work without the benefit of being able to make important decisions. It is a common theme with blended families and step parenting. Watch SS carefully, and do not participate in minimizing his ill behavior like DH and BM. Above all, protect yourself and the safety of your other kids.
I was trying to keep it a
I was trying to keep it a little vague (most people will continue to tell me I need to disengage - I do when I can) but I listed some of the things I know we deal (or at least that I see, I may not get involved with each & every thing listed everytime) with at a minimum of 4-5 times a week.
have you ever looked into
have you ever looked into oppositional defiant disorder, which quite often leads into something called conduct disorder?
just an idea.
either way, you cant help this kid. for your own safety and wellbeing you must find a way to step back from him. there is no way in h3ll you should be with him much more than bm or your dh. other arrangements really need to be made.
I have looked at it...didn't
I have looked at it...didn't really seem to fit him. He's not rude or disrespectful. He just puts forth absolutely nothing at school, then blames the teacher for the failing grade. DH has custody, I work from home & he works outside of the home, therefore I am there to "see" what is going on. I am disengaged from a lot of things regarding SS. But if getting him the proper diagnosis & treatment will make my life more peaceful, I am staying on top of this while I have BM & DH in agreement.
Hon, you can't care more than
Hon, you can't care more than his parents. It will not end well for anyone.
Is it really caring more than
Is it really caring more than them, or trying to find something to make my life peaceful? I can't stand the skid to be honest. When I am fully disengaged my home is a nightmare & SS sees he can get away with everything because DH is either not there or doesn't "feel like dealing with it right now" which turns into ever, and puts me in the situation I am in now. SS happy as can be failing out of school without consequence, pitting me and DH as odds by manipulating DH into thinking he is being mistreated by bios, the list goes on and on...hence the reason I didn't start a list in the first part of this.
If I comment on this I will
If I comment on this I will be kicked off.
?
?
This article might
This article might help.
http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2013/09/adhd-or-childhood-narc...
SS is 14y/0, will throw a
SS is 14y/0, will throw a tantrum if things don't go his way (by tantrum I mean throwing things, kicking things, yelling, hitting walls/doors/refrigerator), anytime there is a dispute (home or school) he tells a version of it that shows him as the victim - never taking responsibility for his part in the problem,falsely accuses others (sometimes things about teachers, that if I wasn't working hand in hand with the administration at the school, could cause serious problems, he lies constantly (BM says he has an over-active imagination - another reason I hate that I can't take him to the appointment) and the most profound thing: still wetting the bed at night (no, there is not a physical/health problem - we've had him checked) & the worst part is even when he wakes and knows he has had an accident, he will continue to lie there in the wet clothes/bedding. This is a good article, but it lets me know I am on the right path. There is a disorder of some sort.
And why exactly can't you
And why exactly can't you take SS for the evaluation yourself? I took my Skid to countless doc appointments when he was a minor.
Take him. I would.
I don't know how you managed
I don't know how you managed this, Rags. I WISH I could have. Either the laws are different in my state or the therapists I picked had Nervous Nellie Maxima disorder.
For instance, they wouldn't even let me make the appointment to save my dh some time. No, all scheduling matters had to be done by bio parent. Furthermore, Dad couldn't even show up for the appointment unless bio mom had already put her signature on a permission form.
It gets worse from there, but you get the picture. I really think if I had shown up with the kid they would have called the police on me.
That is disappointing to
That is disappointing to hear. Our CO was ordered in Oregon but we never lived there. We lived in one of the most conservative counties in Texas and I never had any issue with engaging professional services for my Skid. Ever.
Have you contacted a lawyer to see what your options are?
Good luck.
Thanks, Rags. No, I just let
Thanks, Rags. No, I just let go. BM and DH never go to court.
Yes, it was a very frustrating thing. I found this website shortly after this happened. I found much more help here for the dollar
than I ever got at that place.
Infuriating to be told I couldn't even pin down a time slot on behalf of my dh.
From what I know, bipolar and
From what I know, bipolar and ADHD have a lot of overlapping symptoms, so it's actually really common for bipolar people to get misdiagnosed as just ADHD. Typically, bipolar people end up having ADHD as well though. I also know that ADHD is something that is present from a very young age, and like somewhat stated above, bipolar is rarely diagnosed in younger kids. I can tell you a little bit about my experience as well - I have ADHD and have gone through several different medications with none of them working for me. I was referred to a mood specialist who believes that I might have bipolar. She told me that typically when stimulant medications aren't working it's because you have something else going on, i.e. bipolar. We are still working on finding a medication that's right for me. It's a long and frustrating process. As for how I was diagnosed, it was really simple. They give you a couple of different questionnaires to fill out and parents history or input is not really required for this part, although it can help.
Wish I had better things to
Wish I had better things to report for you, letherebepeace, but my experience was not good.
We finally did get my sd into counseling when she was 14. Bad age, btw, for this kind of behavior. Parents asked the counselor for help in getting her to do her homework. That's it.
They told the counselor nothing about her emotional and social stuntedness, her hostile worldview, her aggressive behavior, her victim/tears manipulations, or her acts of violence.
Counselor did no testing. Therapy for skid cost my dh a bunch of money and he got nothing out of it.
If I could have spoken to the counselor to give more truth perhaps it would have turned out differently. We'll never know.
But I know just what you mean, it's a very difficult place to be.
I agree with you, btw, that disengagement does not cure all situations. If you have someone making trouble you still gotta find ways to make your own world a better place.
It seems you have traveled
It seems you have traveled the exact road I am on.