Step parent who can't stand his step child
Hello, I'm new here.
I've joined because I do not know who to talk to about this. I have few friends and fewer family.
I've been married 11 years to a man who isn't my son's father. My son is 18. My husband and I are both in our forties.
The relationship between the two has always been a struggle. My husband and I married when my son was 7, at the time I had joint custody, one week with me, one week with his dad.
My husband has jealousy issues and does not agree with my parenting ways.
He came from a completely different parenting style than I did, stern, physical punishments and such. But I think I've done okay in the way I've raised him, yes, I've coddled more, I am over protective, he's my only child, and I grew up in a dismissive family where I was left on my own at a very young age.
My son is now in college, never been a delinquent or problem child. He's very introverted and solitary. My husband takes it personally. Thinks that my son doesn't care about it. My son has been living with us full time for a year and a few months, before that he was at his dad's for 3 years, when we decided to move to the city, my son didn't want to follow, until he was done with high school.
I have no clue how to manage this anymore, I've tried and tried to get them to talk, to make my husband see that the is not a bad kid, it just seems my husband takes my son's personality as an insult to him. He refuses to see that this generation of kids is different than when we were young. My son is not a talker. He talks with me if I take the time to ask a million questions... It's just the way he is, its the way I was as a kid, and it's the way his father is. My husband believes my son is disrespectful toward him because he doesn't open up and share everything with him.
It has been putting a strain on our marriage, and I have no clue how to deal with it anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I'm pushed to chose, and I will not give up on my son. Never ever.
Has anyone else dealt with this kind of thing?
Yesterday my husband told me he'd had enough of me and my son... Do I fight or let him go?
I am so lost... I am so confused...
It is hard to deal with
It is hard to deal with different personalities in children.
My OSS and MSS are a lot like your son. They are very quiet...don't open up and rarely share any aspect of their lives unless they want to.
They would to an entire weekend of being at our home and not say ONE word to me at all. Half the time the wouldn't even talk to DH.
I also felt it was odd and uncomfortable in my own home and being ignored. But eventually I got used to it and stopped trying or caring.
I wish it were different but that is just how they are. Of course, BM was also making us out to be horrible people which doesn't seem to be the case in your life.
The fact that your DH is very un yielding seems to be an issue. He just can't wrap his brain around the fact that this man in his house
is not worshiping him. Does he have control issues? After 11 years, you would think he would just realize that this is how some kids are.
My DH had to get used to my BS who was a talker...constantly talking...very open and shares everything. That drove my DH nuts...but now they are closer than DH is with his own bios.
If my DH had come to be and said he had enough of me and my BS...his bags would be packed before he finished the next sentence. 18 or not, No man would disrespect my child like that...for no reason other than he doesn't like his personality. Nope...He would be gone.
I sincerely doubt your son is
I sincerely doubt your son is the issue. Sounds like he wants out for some other reason and is just using your kid as the excuse.
Many replies in a short time,
Many replies in a short time, thank you all for taking the time.
I have few friends because I prefer quality over quantity, the ones I do have I've had for 20+ years and we're close, but we all have busy lives. I've also a medical condition that doesn't permit much as far as gatherings or outings.
AS for few family, my parents have passed, I have a sister and step mom that I am very close to. Cousins are far away and we've not had much contact over the years. Therefor, it's not about my husband limiting my social network. There's no issue there.
My son does do his best to be polite, aren't lacking. He's just not a chatterbox kid.
I just wish my husband had more of an objective opinion. He takes things very personally, not only with my son, but in general, work habits, etc. That's his own issue to work on, I try to bring polite awareness to it but that's not easy.
As for the college dorm, there is none for this school, it's a 1 year intensive college, no summer or holiday breaks, and it is in the same city that we live in.
I'm just wondering if it's normal that the step-parent have such adaptation difficulties with the children.
Thanks again for you input.
I actually have to agree with
I actually have to agree with Evil3 to some extent. It might not actually be that your son is being rude or disrespectful, but when your DH or DW insists that butter won't melt in their mouth regardless of what they do, after a while you start to feel totally isolated (two against one!)
I say this because my DH is exactly the same with my three SS. I have three grown up children and they all like and respect DH - however, I have always pulled them up if I think they have behaved inappropriately or rudely to anyone - not just DH. I am also happy to discuss what I perceive as my own kids' shortcomings with DH - for example I will say 'I'm so cross with BS, he ate his dinner and left the plates all over the living room, it's really time he pulls up his socks' I actively try to involve him in my parenting and decisions.
DH on the other hand has a defensive tact. It doesn't matter what I say that any of the SS's have done to upset or insult me - he automatically jumps to their defence - it was a joke, I've misread their meaning, it wasn't intentional, I'm too sensitive etc. If I complained that they left dishes all over the room he would say - you're being unfair - he was going to clear them away, you just didn't give him enough time.
I know that he can't seriously believe that his sons are perfect - he just feels that he has to protect them all the time. If just once or twice he discussed them with me like an equal parent - and said something like 'I'm getting a bit fed up with BS because he's really not pulling his weight around the house - do you think I should have a chat with him' it would make me feel involved and that he respected my opinion and position in the home. He wouldn't even have to carry out my suggestions - he could say 'I value your opinion - thank you for that, I will have a good think about how to approach it'
Have you thought of saying to DH - 'I'm actually a little concerned with my son too, he does seem a little introverted with everyone - me included. I know he's only 18, but what do you think we could do together to try and bring him out of himself.' or if he moans and says that he thinks he is being disrespectful - acknowledge it. Say something like 'it actually does seem a bit disrespectful that he doesn't open up and talk and I'm sorry that he's hurting your feelings. I have tried to speak to him, but it's probably just his age. Hopefully, now he's at college he will be more confident in himself and start opening up a bit.
I'm not saying you should criticize your son - but don't automatically jump to his defence. I know from experience that it will straight away make DH feel threatened and defensive and probably thinks that you are constantly putting your son first and not caring about his feelings.
Sadly your DH may be done and
Sadly your DH may be done and may not invest the time that it will take to bond with your kid as he progesses into adulthood.
Your description of your son describes our son (My SS-24 now adopted by me) when he was in his mid to late teens. Getting him to communicate was like pulling teeth. In fact if I had broken out the pliers we probably could have gotten more information out of him than the incessent infinate question model that it took to get anything at all out of him at the time.
The good news is that not that he is in his mid 20s, self sufficient, and navigating his life as a viable adult he communicates regularly with his mom and I and with my parents. We do have to prod him occassinally but he regularly requests that we stick to a Sunday evening call (our time) with him every week and he usually makes sure he is available. If we don't call him he texts us to call him.
He speaks with my mom and dad regularly but... my mother is stalker Grandma and does not let the GKids go for too long without touching base. My dad also makes sure to call them all regularly.
Your son may very well blossom as a communicator in another 5 or so years.
As for your DH... I am not sure if I were you if I would want to invest any more time or emotion in a relationship with a person who would play the "Yesterday my husband told me he'd had enough of me and my son" card.
I would say do yourself a favor, force the discussion with DH to either clearly state his commitment to the equity life partnership with you or you call the locksmith to rekey the locks.
The one saving grace is that he did not say he is done and for you and your son to leave. It may have just been his venting his frustration with investing more than decade trying to connect and communicate with your son to seemingly no avail.
Hopefully.... he was just venting.
Good luck but make sure to take care of you.
I am going go vehemently
I am going go vehemently disagree with posters like renewal and others who say that the son does not have to make conversation with the step dad. YES HE DOES. He should show that man some respect for all the years that he has known him. Undoubtedly the step dad put food into his belly and bought the toilet paper he wiped with. He deserves way more than an hello and goodbye. PLUS THE SS IS AN ADULT. Put up or shut up! It is different if he was a budding teen. This is a GROWN MAN now.
I have some pretty strong feelings about people who always side with their children over their spouses. It sends a really bad message to the children as well. Maybe this poster did that all along and the step dad feels alienated. I am sure that there is WAY MORE to this story.
Spouses have to be a united front with children especially in a step parent situation. There is a pecking order in the household after all.
Maybe the poster should try sitting down with the husband and validating his feelings but I have a hunch that this has not been happening all along.
You can tell your ADULT SON
You can tell your ADULT SON to make some casual conversation with his step-dad out of respect for his feelings. YES YOU CAN FORCE IT. He is a guest there. He has no right to live there. It is still the husband's home. I bet the son isn't on the deed or lease agreement. Step parents should get some glory for providing for their step-kids. It is typically THANKLESS job and worse when the spouse and skid take it for granted. I had a lovely step dad. My mom always thanked him for all he did for me and for us as a family. She always reminded me how much he loved me ( he was a quiet and not so effusive gentleman). I was so grateful to him. He helped put me through school. I adored him and miss him so much. He passed in 2010.
Relationship rights? Hell yes. And I call it RESPECT!
Wow... the sentiments here
Wow... the sentiments here can get intense! I was very upfront in my original post, so much so I was feeling a bit awkward about being an open book to strangers. I did take stock in some responses and spike it both my husband and my son. My son does need to show more respect and gratitude for all that my husband has done and still does. I think the message was well received. MY husband will need to see more clearly that my son isn't out to get him. He just isn't the same way my husband is and we all need to accept our differences. We all need to work together to build a harmonious home for the 3 of us....
As a StepDad with no biokids
As a StepDad with no biokids I actually understand some of what your DH feels. For my wife and I the key is that we agreed early in our marriage that we were equity life partners and that makes us equity parents to any kids in our marital home. It turned out that SS-24 remained an only child in our marriage. His mom and I met and started dating when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.
I would have to say that you and your DH are not equity life partners or he would be an equity parent to your child. Since that does not seem to have happened, there is not much likelihood that it ever will at this late stage.
My SS is also a quiet non talker. Getting him to share about his life is like pulling teeth. Fortunately I am not one to allow this to stand so I get out the pliers and get to extracting teeth... so to speak. I don't let the one word answer conversations stand. He knows it and over the years has learned to engage and will even call on his initiative. He asked for a regularly scheduled Sunday call since his mom and I moved overseas and all three of us stick that that schedule pretty well.
I would be surprised if your DH expects you to abandon your relationship with your son but I am sure he wants for the relationship to be your priority.
My wife of 22+ years and I agreed very early in our relationship that our marriage and each other would be the unequivocal priority for both of us. Of course SS was our top marital responsibility but he never took priority over our marriage.
It seems that you and DH never settled on being equity parents and at least for you... the marriage was not the priority. Your DH's current stance makes sense to me. He obviously has clarity that he and the marriage are not your priority and likely never have been.
If it is not too late... it is time to sit DH down, discuss the situation, commit to him that he and the marriage will be your top priority. It might give your marriage a chance. Parents who make their children their priority often end up very lonely once their kids move on to lives of their own.
Good luck.