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Am I responsible for partner's children??

Alibiabz's picture

My partner often throws at me 'you knew I came with kid's or 'you always have an issue with looking after my girl's
Well yes, I do, when he's not here. I'm not his babysitter. We have a 5 month old son of our own that I look after.

ldvilen's picture

I hear this line, "You knew I came with kids" a lot with non-steps, insinuating that you have to put up with or suck it up and take it with the whole lot of them, no matter what.

Anyone, and I do mean anyone who marries or hooks up with a SO, sees all sorts of things going on with their partner prior to marriage. Your partner may have a lot of bills to pay off, or he may travel away from home quit a bit for his job, or he may have a older mom and dad he is still taking care of. And, yes, he may have children. The list can go on and on.

No one in any of these situations excepts anything other than the best to occur or for it to at least be tolerable. So, to tell a step-parent, "you knew I came with kids" is really no different than telling someone, "you knew I traveled a lot and would be away a lot when you married me," etc.

What this does, is it puts the burden on you! In other words, you are supposed to just put up with it no matter how bad it gets. When, in reality. This is a genuine concern of yours that really needs to be addressed and your DH and you need to talk things over and work it out.

The biggest problem I have with the "You knew" line re: steps, is that generally it implies you are supposed to cook and clean and care for child and be responsible for child, but you have no authority over the child. In other words, you more or less wind up being, DH's and SK's and possibly even BM's servant or free babysitter in reference to SKs.

Tell DH he can't have it both ways. You either have no responsibility and no authority, or you have responsibility and authority (in other words, DH has your back) in reference to stepkids. If he won't budge, you have the right to make your own decisions.

Aeron's picture

Are you their legal guardian? Did you adopt them? No? Then you aren't responsible for them.

He wants to throw you knew I had kids around? I'd be asking him if he was looking for a partner or a nanny when he started dating you. You knew he had kids, he knew you didn't. knowing he has kids doesn't mean you are aware that he had ridiculous expectations that you would become insta-mommy to his children. Having knowledge of their existence doesn't mean you know that he has unrealistic expectations about you deeply desiring to spend every moment fulfilling his parenting duties for him or serving as chief cook, driver, maid and nanny...

Read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin and get him to read it too.

maldita's picture

Because those little boogers have their a mother! Why should it be her responsibility to watch over them?

Alibiabz's picture

Thankyou matilda. I find looking after my 5 month old hard work some days, and to be honest, I want to be spending my time with my baby, watching him, interacting and teaching him...just enjoying him. His ex got to do that with their first, so I'm bloody well going to do it with mine. Why shouldn't I. Id rather not spend my time refereeing his two kids and being worried that the quality of their time here is being lessened by demanding attention I'm just not willing to share on them at times.

I spent alot of my pregnancy worrying that it won't be the same for my partner because our baby won't be his firstborn...he said I was being ridiculous but even he would have to admit now that there are differences in our parenting because of our child being my first and his 3Rd. Leaves a rather bitter taste in my mouth if I'm honest. I am very fond of his kids (most of the time) but love them like my own?.. I'm sorry..I don't think I ever will. He either accepts that or I think we're in for a very bumpy ride

uofarkchick's picture

Yes, you knew he had kids. But you also knew they had a mom. And guess what! You aren't her. There is nothing wrong with refusing to babysit another person's children.

Cover1W's picture

...and he knew you didn't come with kids. How would he respond to that?

He knew you were not a parent to his kids. He knew you weren't a babysitter, cook or maid.

Alibiabz's picture

Ok, some of you need more info. Here it is, a nutshell. I am currently not working since having our baby. I gave up my business but plan to return to work part time. We have hus children every other weekend which has absolutely never been a problem. I am very fond of his girls but obviously my priority is my child.
Basically, whenever I question why it is I'm looking after his kids when actually, it's him they have come to be with, he accuses me of having a problem that he's already got kids. It's ridiculous.
I have to be clear that it's not that often that it happens but when he sees them as routinely as he does, surely he should organise his time better to ensure its not me looking afyer all 3 of them!

Alibiabz's picture

He pays a silly amount of child maintenance anyway imo. We used to argue about that too but I did learn that actually, no amount of arguing would overcome his guilt which is basically what overrides most things.

He has found saying no to their mum difficult because she always says- why don't you want to see your children?! I've been honest and told him to tell her that it's me that's said no and if she wishes to take it up with me then bring it on, but he just takes the verbal bashing. For someone so strong and bull headed he plays her puppet pretty well...he doesn't like hearing that, what man would, but I tell him, she's not the only mother of your children now you know, it's about time I get to have a voice too. It comes down to guilt again though doesn't it.

My partner leaves so early for work and gets home after baby's in bed so he barely sees him all week either.

I feel so bad that it's alot of pressure on hus shoulders but despite all that, it still boils down to the fact that our child is my responsibility, his children are their responsibility, if we have them and he has something else planned, then he either cancels those plans or sacrifices seeing the kids by telling the ex we can't have them....I think he finds it easier to upset me than upset his ex which is pretty tough to stomach.

Alibiabz's picture

HRNYC - they have arranged a sum between them, without anything legal in place. The only thing it's based on is her say so abd my partner's guilt of not being with his kids. I do believe he pays slightly less now,but she now just asks for any possible extra, usually when her tax credits are cut for some reason. I don't get involved with what he pays to her, it's not my business.

When I have to watch them he's usually said yes to extra work (before he's asked me to look after them) or he's had a social function on that has been arranged for a while. Which is why I say he has got time to rearrange with his ex but yes I think he worries that she will make it difficult for him. I doubt she would, she can't wait to get rid of them for a weekend.
Even she has asked why I'm not available to have them if and when he has told her he needs to change weekends....cheeky cow.

Alibiabz's picture

He doesn't work on weekends,not the Weekends we have them at least, sometimes he does on the weekends it's just us 3 (which is a whole other subject!!) This last time I looked afyer them it was for a few hours until he got home from work...his mum had had them because she had been complaining of not seeing them so much but had an appt to get to so had to drop them off with me. I didn't feel like I had a choice...my 5 month old has been going through a fussy stage of resisting naps etc, so when he asked me how I felt about having them I explained my concerns that my time would be taken up trying to settle the baby....he copped the arse that I can never just say yes or no simply!

What he really meant was, you can never just say yes. Which is crap because I usually have said yes because it's not worth the accusations if I say no.

I'm sorry uofarkchick I don't know what CP means? I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations yet!

I go between understanding that it must be incredibly hard for him not to see his kids all the time, and being so annoyed that he gives it all the oh I miss my kids so much but then when they're with us he's either got his nose stuck in his bloody phone or I end up getting them sorted so that his precious time with them isn't wasted.
My priority is my son, not his children, he hates it if I say that but that's how it is I'm afraid.

Once during an argument I said to him- let's not forget you chose to leave them....that went down well as you can imagine! That's what I resort to when he's being so pigheaded.

Alibiabz's picture

He doesn't work on weekends,not the Weekends we have them at least, sometimes he does on the weekends it's just us 3 (which is a whole other subject!!) This last time I looked afyer them it was for a few hours until he got home from work...his mum had had them because she had been complaining of not seeing them so much but had an appt to get to so had to drop them off with me. I didn't feel like I had a choice...my 5 month old has been going through a fussy stage of resisting naps etc, so when he asked me how I felt about having them I explained my concerns that my time would be taken up trying to settle the baby....he copped the arse that I can never just say yes or no simply!

What he really meant was, you can never just say yes. Which is crap because I usually have said yes because it's not worth the accusations if I say no.

I'm sorry uofarkchick I don't know what CP means? I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations yet!

I go between understanding that it must be incredibly hard for him not to see his kids all the time, and being so annoyed that he gives it all the oh I miss my kids so much but then when they're with us he's either got his nose stuck in his bloody phone or I end up getting them sorted so that his precious time with them isn't wasted.
My priority is my son, not his children, he hates it if I say that but that's how it is I'm afraid.

Once during an argument I said to him- let's not forget you chose to leave them....that went down well as you can imagine! That's what I resort to when he's being so pigheaded.

twoviewpoints's picture

CP means custodial parent. Your partner is not. He has them only every other weekend. Usually 2 48hr stretches is EOWE.

It is nice that the grandmother is occasionally available to help him out with the kids. What I don't understand is why he is making social plans on a weekend he is scheduled for his children . Mandatory work is one thing, also perhaps a bit of overtime as he is trying to temporarily cover the household with single income. Social time is quite different.

Are the weekends not consistent? Meaning, does he not have a set schedule where he has his kids every 1st and 3rd weekend or 2nd and 4th? If not, he needs to modify to a routine set visitation plan. He (and you) need to be able to easily glance at calendar and automatically know it's a kid weekend. He makes no self social plans and if it's work, he checks with you and grandma. No willing sitter, not able to accept work or decline kids all or part of weekend.

I'm betting you did this babysitting for him before your little one arrived. Many stepmothers start out doing things they really shouldn't do unless they honestly feel and believe they will gladly continue 'helping'. It sets up an expectation that shouldn't exist. These men need to know right off the bat that his children are their responsibility. They have two parents and stepmother isn't one of them.

Alibiabz's picture

You bet right. I did do it before our baby arrived. Man was that a daft move!
To be honest it's me that writes down on the calendar which weekends we have the kids, it's simply EOWE. If we did it 1st/3Rd or 2nd/4th when it came to a 5 week month his ex would probably just say we can have them...she's nice like that ha!! I'd ha e something to say about that though....for ages she kept moving the goalposts and I'd had enough. I told my partner that the kids need a routine which is STUCK TO if they ha e any hope in getting to grips with how often they will see us.

The ex has been asking us to have them more again recently because the 6 Y/o is rather a sensitive child and apparently seeing his ex's partner with his daughter more frequently (he shares custody and has his daughter 4days a week) is affecting her. My partner doesn't know I know she's asked him that abd he hasn't mentioned it to me yet....probably because he knows I won't agree to changing the routine again.

Alibiabz's picture

Whoops! Spot the newbie..managed to post that rant twice!!

Twix's picture

Your post (and your comments) really hit home for me and what's going on here at the moment. We have a one year old together who I am currently at home looking after....he's a handful to say the least and this first year of his life was harder than any of my time spent going through my rn program (which had me in tears quite often lol).
My DH runs his own business and recently let go of his employee (he only had two) so he's now been working crazy hours so I totally feel for him. He bends over backwards at work so that he's able to leave early on the days he has his two older boys (8 and 10). I know he would like it if I would mind them but I refuse. The only time I don't care is if they are already sleeping. I tried to set rules for the house (since the baby came I worry about him following in the older boys footsteps). My new rules aren't listened to and I'm hardly listened to so end result is I will not mind them. DH totally respects this (from the get go and pretty much all the time I say they are not my children and not my responsibility).
This weekend however we have the boys with us, it's crunch time for DH to meet a deadline and he wants me to mind them for the weekend. I already feel so drained from being on my own all week with the baby and the thought of being on my own with the baby and his boys is stressing me out. I feel obligated at this point to mind them since he is working to provide for us so I definitely feel torn. Ugh it's times like this I feel resentful about the whole situation. I keep asking him to find other arrangements. I said offer the time to their mother and/or ask your mom. My MIL takes them a lot for BM but she "likes them to have their have time with our family". He just keeps saying you can buy yourself something real nice (lol he's always trying to bribe me but seriously I would pay to not have them!)
Oh and just to add in they are actually very sweet boys and we have a good relationship...... but it can still be a pain in my butt!
Sorry for my rant! I just felt like our situations are similar. I wish there was a way to make your DH understand the responsibility is on him not you. And that if you did mind his kids it's because your doing him a favour .... not because you have to since he came with kids or whatever bull.

Steptococci's picture

I've asked myself and others this question a million times. Thanks to this site and others, I no longer feel that I owe my DH and his ex wife free childcare. At one point I really wasn't sure though.

Yes, I knew he had SD, yes I understood that 50% of his time would need to be spent parenting her, no I did not realize that meant all things that mattered to me before marrying him were worth nothing, just because I wasn't a parent yet (sarcasm, because that's what seems to be communicated to us childless stepmoms.) So, like a good girlfriend, then fiancé, then wife, I babysat and helped out and canceled plans and went without workouts and haircuts and things I enjoyed, so I could "spend quality time with her" (watch her) he was busy or at work, or BM was at work, or because DH thought that was the most important way for me to spend my weekends. I started to lose myself in "family time".

And then we had our kids- and his expectations of me grew and grew, so did SD's and so did BM's, and I was caring for newborns and watching her, doing her school drop offs/pickups while on maternity leave, cleaning up after her, making special meals for her since she was too picky to eat regular food, and then eventually even watching her when she was sick (while working, I work from home.) All the while, I wasn't kept in the loop between DH and BM, and was not even being asked when the plans were made. Resentment city.

I don't think you're silly to be asking the question though- since you're staying home with your child and sounds like you're genuinely trying to make the family work. We all start out wanting to make this blended family thing work, so why wouldn't we offer to help out, especially if it tightens the bond with our spouse and step kids?

It just doesn't really pan out. You can't escape the feelings of being taken advantage of, and disregarded by the child or the child's actual parents at some point down the line. I really started dreading my SD's company, and she's a basically nice kid. I still dread her sometimes, but now I realize it's more because of the arrangement and not her personally. Also, I just really want to give my full attention to my kids. And try as I may, I cannot force my heart to love her as my own. DH is starting to realize though that my raising our two kids (2 and under,) working part-time, and managing most of the household duties, is work enough. I don't owe him SD-care. He has a perfectly good built-in babysitter for that: her mother.

I think your DH needs to realize that forcing his kids on you will only eventually push you away, and does he really want that? If the marriage is crap then it's lose-lose for everyone. We're still working on it here- I help out when I really want to, for DH's sake, or if something is really urgently needed but have cut WAY back. I agree with others who said he should not be making plans to be absent during those two or 3 weekends that he has his girls. Surely he can plan around 4 days a month?

Alibiabz's picture

Steptococci...I have literally just cried reading your response. It's like you ARE me! I'd be interested to know your views in my other post regarding how you were when your stepkid was around your new baby.

I must choose my time very wisely to address the subject of the girls with my other half. He gets very defensive. Understandable if I actually said I can't stand them or something, but his transferrance of guilt means if I say anything other than sure I'd love to have your kids here loads and won't wish for time with just "my family" as I call me him and our baby (is that bad??!) he gets pissed, and he can then get very angry.
Basically, if he continues to make me feel bad if I am honest about things, it's going to make me resentful and I can only last so long feeling like that.

He had a vasectomy reversal to make our baby possible, it has been the most emotional subject. I just don't feel for his kids what I do for mine, and I won't be made to feel guilty for making my son my first priority in life. If things don't tie in with that rule then I won't want to participate.

Steptococci's picture

I think all of your feelings are so normal, or at least, I've had them all too!

Is the BM a good mom and are the girls close with her? I ask because it could be that your DH has a fantasy that you'll take over the role of mommy to your SD's, especially if he thinks poorly of her. My DH definitely wanted our happy family to include me as mommy to all the kids. It's been a rude awakening for him to learn that I never wanted to be SD's mom and SHE NEVER WANTED ME to be her mom either!!! We have a family a 4 sometimes, and a family of 5 other times. And Both are OK!

It's also possible that your DH feels he made a big sacrifice (if you can call it that?) having vasectomy reversal for his 3rd kid, so I imagine he sees that baby as his gift to you. Maybe he thought that would buy him some free babysitting (:

I don't have that much advice as I am still floundering as much as anyone (why I'm here!) but all I can say is sounds like all of your concerns are valid, and there are lots of mixed emotions playing a role here, not just a simple need for childcare every other weekend.

Your DH's expectations on you are too high, and you're not feeling seen the way you'd like to be seen- as the mother to your son. I've been there. It's a little bit of a grieving process to go through, to realize your firstborn experience isn't shared. Like he's over there ho-humming and checking his Facebook while you marvel at the beauty and awe of motherhood for the first time.... you know what I mean? Nothing you can do about it though- and maybe he just needs to realize- you can no more force him to become a first-time dad again to your son than he can force you to be the mother of those two little girls.