Where do we go from here?
I have been living with my SO and SS for the past 5 years. Recently we have had arguments over how I am speaking to his child when he is misbehaving. This weekend I asked him to clean his close (which takes 5 minutes) and he responded that he didn't have to because his dad didn't tell him to. Well, that did not go over well. I told him that he needed to do it regardless. Then, when I said he was done, I went to check and it was still a mess, so I stood over him and watched him do the rest pointing out things still left on floor and was stern the way I was speaking to him. I vacuumed his room while lecturing him on taking care of things...pretty normal mom stuff.
Then his dad comes in and agrees that he needs to listen to me, but then proceeds to sit in the room and listen to his step son cry about how I was "yelling at him" and so then SO comes and yells at me for yelling at his son.
Basically, I am stern and firm with my kids. I dont mince word or put up with crap.
This is not the first time that after I get after my SS, SO comes in behind me, makes excuses, baby's kid and then yells at me.
I am at my wits and and hate my stepson at this point.
He is a conniving manipulative snot.
some typos in there...I asked
some typos in there...I asked him to clean his closet -
My SO is the same with his
My SO is the same with his brats. I tried treating BK and Skids the same, but that didn't work. I became the Evil SM. So, after that treatment for years and being thrown under the bus by him and them. I have disengaged myself, totally, from Skids and partially from him. I'm a much happier person.
Not my kids. Not my problems.
I'm the same way. I am
I'm the same way.
I am straightforward and don't stand for "but..." or "in a minute..." or "I don't know how."
I will say, "SD10, go wipe your nose and wash your hands please, right now."
SD10, "OK."
If DH even notices this stuff, he'll say, "SD10, have you wiped your nose lately? It looks like maybe you could wipe it. Do you know where the tissues are? Maybe you could go wipe it. Does that sound good? Can you go do that for me?...." ugh.
SD10, "No daddy, I don't want to. I am busy. Go away."
But I have been called dictatorial, authoritative, too strict, raised too strict to understand how it's "better" to suggest things rather than demand, and on and on.
So, what do I do? DISENGAGE.
He gets to do all of it.
I disengaged most completely with SD12. DH just sticks up for her about everything - I know this is due to divorce guilt.
I am more engaged with SD10 because she likes direction. However, if DH contradicts me, or is in the room, I disengage quickly and defer to him. However, the basics I no longer help with because he and she are capable and know how to do things like wash dishes, wash clothing, pick up after herself, etc. I don't clean up after them (unless it's to chuck things into the room or off the deck - more often with SD12's things). I don't vacuum their rooms or change the sheets or clean their bathroom.
If your husband doesn't like the way you do it, he gets to do it himself. Done deal.
I don't think your SS is so bad (from the above sounds kinda normal b/c his DAD lets him get away with it) but your husband created and continues it so he can do it all.
Wait, you hate your SS
Wait, you hate your SS because your SO yells at you. :? :? :? Why don't you hate the person who is disrespecting you and undermining your authority in the home?
Why didn't you use the same stern, firm voice with your SO that you use with your SS and children?
There's absolutely nothing wrong with the kid running to his father about what happened between the two of you. However you and your SO were wrong. Your SO was wrong for yelling at you and you were wrong for allow him to yell at you. It's also wrong to hate the kid for his father's behavior.
I tried to explain to him
I tried to explain to him that each time he circles around and justifies his son's behavior, it only fuels his son's disrespect for me and takes a toll on our relationship.
He's not going to get it. My
He's not going to get it.
My DH still doesn't get it.
He'll listen better but he still cannot see, nor will he ever, I think, see certain things about his kids.
So stop helping and make him do the parenting.
I tried to explain to him
I tried to explain to him that each time he circles around and justifies his son's behavior, it only fuels his son's disrespect for me and takes a toll on our relationship.
I tried to explain to him
I tried to explain to him that each time he circles around and justifies his son's behavior, it only fuels his son's disrespect for me and takes a toll on our relationship.
You are right. Thanks for the
You are right. Thanks for the feedback!
I probably was bullying him
I probably was bullying him at that point. I agree with that. I guess I got the point of being so tired of his sarcastic attitude that I was bullying. YOu are right. And thank you for telling me that straight up.
All of your points are good for me to hear and sometimes we just need someone to tell it to us straight.
Tks!
YOu do not have a SS problem
YOu do not have a SS problem you have a DH problem...
Give DH the option, either he backs you up and trust that you will not kill his brat, or you will disengage,
This means you do nothing for SS, no more gifts and snacks from you, no more telling him anything, no more doing his laundry.... and no more parenting, then it's all up to DH
I like the 2 option approach.
I like the 2 option approach. Makes a lot of sense....
Welcome new
Welcome new person......
Disengagement can work if you and the partner respect each other and love each other, I think that's the only reason why mine is working, SO keeps on saying kids will leave and he means it, thus I suck it up till she does leave, 1.5 years to go max...... if SO stringed me along and does not stick to the plan I am out
Time to change the locks and
Time to change the locks and put DH and the SKid on the curb until tney gain clarity.
IMHO of course.
True True...you are exactly
True True...you are exactly right.
So glad I got on this damn thing. I need help!!!
AHHHHHHH
I am going to just shut the damn door and let him live like pig...
Amen.
True True...you are exactly
True True...you are exactly right.
So glad I got on this damn thing. I need help!!!
AHHHHHHH
I am going to just shut the damn door and let him live like pig...
Amen.
True True...you are exactly
True True...you are exactly right.
So glad I got on this damn thing. I need help!!!
AHHHHHHH
I am going to just shut the damn door and let him live like pig...
Amen.
good point :/
good point :/
I have a slightly different
I have a slightly different take on this. If it means not saying anything and letting the spouse PARENT, then the step parent gets to live in filth and frustration? I say " HELL NO" to that. Yes it is mostly a DH issue, I agree with that, however the kid has some accountability surely. I don't think that the poster is really taking it out on the kid. I think she is just frustrated like any normal "mom" would be. The problem is that she is double teamed. The kid knows that he can go to Daddy to complain and cry and Daddy will just listen and comfort him. Horse crap. That DH needs to support his wife IN FRONT OF HIS KID. DH's response to that situation (and I am sure there are many more) is divisive. And kids....all kids...know how to manipulate a situation. This woman has lost all authority in her home I suspect.
She does need to kick this SOB to the curb and the kid goes too.
My spouse says that my SD should not feel ganged up upon....that is why I am not supported in front of SD. Also horse crap.
This poster is put in second place. The most important thing to her DH is the KID. The marriage is SECOND and will always be.