Unsure of what to do
Yesterday my husband sent me a screen shot of a text that my 6 year old daughter had sent him, saying that he was "meen" thats how she texted it because she's 6 years old. She had sent it to him after she had gotten in trouble a week ago at a store for talking back and he had taken her outside and was holding her hand to tight. I had my SD with me and we were about to go meet my husband up to go have dinner. Before we could get there he had texted me to just drop his daughter off and for me and my daughter to go somewhere else to eat because he didn't want to be around her.
I understand being upset. I was hurt to see that she sent him that but I also know she's 6 and gets upset if someone gets more of something then her. I had explained to her that what she did was wrong and it hurt his feelings. When my husband and SD got home my daughter was in bed asleep already because she was sick. My husband didn't talk about what had happened so as I always do I brought up what he wanted to do. I asked if he was going to talk to my daughter tomorrow and explain to her that what she said hurt him. He responded, "No there is nothing to talk about. That is how your daughter feels about your husband."
Am I being ridiculous for feeling heartbroken right now. My husband knew getting into a relationship with me that my daughters BD was pretty much not in the picture, and now her SD just turned his back on her. My 6 year old does have behavior issues, she talks back a lot and doesn't listen but she's also a great kid and 6 years old she doesn't have any idea about half the stuff she says. I feel like he is comparing her to his daughter who is 10 and never talks back, and always listens and expects my daughter to be the same.
My husband is a great man and I have never felt like I've had to question anything until this. I know my daughter is a lot to handle. She's outspoken, always has to be the center of attention and when we have my SD she acts out ten times worse then if my SD wasn't there. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that experiences this but my husband makes it out as if we are. Like my daughter is the red headed step child that can't do right. She's a straight A student and one of the smartest in her class. She has said mean things to me before and yes it hurt my feelings and when I would tell my husband he would just say, "she's a kid she doesn't know what she's saying or she doesn't mean it." but yet it happens to him and my daughter is ungrateful and disrespectful.
I don't know what to do, I feel he is wrong in the way he is dealing with this, not talking to her I feel is just going to show her it didn't hurt him and could cause for it to happen again. Also I don't want her to think that when something bad happens you deal with it by just not talking about it. I don't want her growing up in that kind of environment.
I think it is him you he
I think it is him you he should talk to - a text from a 6 year old can't possibly be the reason for him 'not wanting to be around her'. It sounds like much more than that has happened - maybe this was the last straw?
Personally, I would say that you would be the one to go to your daughter and tell him your DH is hurt; maybe he doesn't feel it is his place? Find out how she feels about him and vica versa, then you can start to work on their relationship.
Sorry, but you just described
Sorry, but you just described a 6 year old that I would not want living under my roof. That text may have been the last straw for your husband.
I'm assuming your daughter is in the first grade. If so, she knows darn well that he would be hurt by that message. She knows darn well that words have power because she used them to hurt you.
Your daughter IS disrespectful. Kids who get away with disrespecting their parents, will disrespect other adults. Your husband should have ripped into her little behind for being disrespectful to him. He should have made it clear to her that he doesn't give a damn how she's allowed to treat you, but he isn't going to put up with up her treating him in that manner.
Do I put my 6 year old in
Do I put my 6 year old in counseling to try and find out why she acts like this? She gets punished when she talks back and acts out so it's not like it goes ignored. I've done time out, taken toys, electronics away, spanked, grounded. I don't know what else to do. She goes to school and it's like she's a completely different kid, she never gets anything bad sent home her teachers always say what a great kid she is, same when she goes to other peoples house. Yet at our house she's completely different?
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I just signed up for a parenting class. I do love my daughter and I don't condone her behavior what so ever. I thought I was doing everything I possibly could for her and even disciplining her when she did wrong. I guess I am very wrong. It's hard to realize but I know I don't want to lose my husband and I definitely don't want my daughter to get worse.
My daughter has been around
My daughter has been around him since she was 2. I have a step brother who lives in a different state. I don't completely agree that a DH shouldn't be a father figure. My step dad was around since I was 2 and my bio dad wasn't. My step dad treated me like I was no different then his other kids and I saw him as a dad and not a step dad. I could see if my daughters father was a more consistent part of her life but he is hardly if not at all around.
As an adult you understand
As an adult you understand that what goes for one doesn't go for another. Just because your stepdad did it doesn't mean your DH could/should/or would. If you are looking for a Daddy for your little girl then you need to tell your DH that. Then send him here so we can tell him to RUN!
My stepdad raised my sister
My stepdad raised my sister and I. Very few people in my life know that he isn't our bio dad. Steptalk is the only place I used the word stepdad. My parents have been married for 43 years, so yeah, he's our father.
That doesn't mean all men are willing to take on that role. Expecting your husband to play dad to your kid is wrong, especially when her behavior is so bad. Hell, even if she were a perfect, little kid, your expectations would be wrong.
I guess I didn't realize I
I guess I didn't realize I was such a shitty parent. I discipline just like any other. I don't accept my child acting the way she does and she gets punished every time she acts out. I have apologized to my husband as I know I over reacted with how I thought it should have been handled and of course I have made my daughter apologize. I'm not trying to make my husband look like a monster I just felt like he could have at least let her know that what she said hurt him.
I didn't see it as
I didn't see it as disempowering him but I see how that would be. Any better discipline suggestions, I've tried time out, I take away her toys, electronics and not just for a day it's long periods of time. I don't allow her to go to friends houses or vice versa. I also spank.
Being consistent is the most
Being consistent is the most important thing so that everyone knows what is expected. Having set consequences for bad choices. Giving a warning if a bad choice is being made so that she can try to correct her behavior then if she continues she gets time out or what ever the consequence you decide on is. If one particular behavior does not improve then move onto removing privileges, things or activities. We even resorted to sd getting earlier bedtimes last year every day she misbehaved in class. It was tough on us to keep this up but we have not had one complaint from her teacher this year.
Combine this consistent routine of consequences with rewards for good behavior and good choices. Even something as simple as praise for a good choice or perhaps a trip to the park, a piece of gum, time on electronics etc. Also give her the opportunity to earn back any privileges that she has lost. My sd has a reward box with cheap things in it such as stationary, earings and toys. There are a couple of different ways that she can earn prizes from the box. Last year it was for good behavior in class, this year it is for getting her homework done in a reasonable time. It seems a bit like bribery but as my husband says we are providing her with external motivation so that she can develop internal motivation and good habits to do these things.
A 6 year old who is already
A 6 year old who is already disrespectful doesn't need to know that she hurt your husband. That will just give her more power.
She needs to be punished because what she did was wrong. She needs to know that you AND your husband will give hell anytime she disrespects him.
I'm not faulting him for
I'm not faulting him for disengaging I understand the was the right move to do. She has been disciplined as I always do when she does or says wrong. I don't dump all responsibility onto my DH. I know she isn't his responsibility and he is always there when I am unable or my authority does nothing. I have my husbands back. I see now I am wrong for the way I was thinking things should have gone. I will search the things you brought up as well as the book. It's been a rocky 2 years for our family just due to my husband taking a different store thats farther away, we moved and my daughter had to be home schooled her first year of school because we had to temporarily go to a different state so I could help my dad take care of my mother who was in the last moments of her life. So there is more then the few paragraphs I mustered up. It's hard to read that I'm sucking at being a parent and my expectations are too high but I promise I don't just sit around while my child shows her ass. I discipline the crap out of her and I don't just mean time out. She doesn't act like this at school or to strangers. Her teachers and anyone else who comes into contact with her always say she is well behaved so I don't know why at home it's a completely different story. Unless everyone else is lying to me.
I deleted the other post
I deleted the other post because I was trying to bounce back and forth between replying. I didn't delete anyones response because anyone is too hard on me. It sucks reading the posts but I wouldn't have put it up here if I didn't want the feedback.
I didn't delete it, I deleted
I didn't delete it, I deleted my other thread to just keep it to the one. I agree it made sense. Yes hard to hear but like you said if I came here for advice and I have gotten it and will apply what has been said.
I appreciate everyones posts
I appreciate everyones posts as I'm seeing that obviously I was being ridiculous.
I agree she is responsible
I agree she is responsible for apologizing for what she did and in the manner you stated. Me apologizing isn't enough. Since I get the same result my discipline is flawed and I need to fix that. I don't want to be apologizing for her behavior or doing damage control.
She went to him to apologize
She went to him to apologize and he stared at his phone the entire time she talked to him and once she was does he replied with "ok". We were going to take the kids to zoo boo but I told him bc of her behavior she wasn't going to go and he said no that she should go. Wouldn't allowing her to go right after all of this be rewarding bad behavior?
Ok thank you for the advice.
Ok thank you for the advice. She did say that she was sorry for what she said and how she acted in the store and that it wouldn't happen again.
Nope, DH is the one being
Nope, DH is the one being ridiculous. A 6yo changes their mind on a whim and nearly every second. Your DH needs to not let your kid drive his feelings. He needs to man up.
However... you need to step up and parent.
"My 6 year old does have behavior issues, she talks back a lot and doesn't listen but she's also a great kid and 6 years old she doesn't have any idea about half the stuff she says. I feel like he is comparing her to his daughter who is 10 and never talks back, and always listens and expects my daughter to be the same."
Talks back and not listening and being a "great kid" are mutually exclusive in my mind. Time to tighten your standards of parenting, establish reasonable behavioral standards for your kid, and hold her accountable for meeting them with the application of appropriate consequences if she chooses to violate those standards. All applied in an age appropriate manner of course. What you have been doing is ineffective. Try something different. Maybe start with asking yourself why a 6yo needs a phone? Since the phone is a tool for her to hurt people, take her phone and give it back when she is 13.
You clearly understand that your kid has behavioral issues. Your DH obviously can parent effectively which you also recognize since you have stated that his daughter is well behaved.
His daughter is well behaved... yours is not. Hmmmmmmm? Maybe you should engage with your DH and do what he has done with his kid with your own. By teaming you and DH should be able to salvage your own kid's behavior and get her in line with reasonable behavioral standards.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck.
I applaud you Rags for your
I applaud you Rags for your on-going success. As you read here...it is rare. Keep up the inspirational work you are modeling in your own family. Your bride is a fortunate woman to have a husband who puts her first. If most of us had men who were capable of the same, we would not be writing on this board..LOL
Thanks.
Thanks.
Your daughter knowing that
Your daughter knowing that she hurt DH with her disrespectful text is not the key. You are just giving her tips on how to hurt her stepdad. She will manipulate and do it again if she knows that's all it takes to hurt him. What she does need to know is that her text was disrespectful and what she does need to know is HER PLACE and you have to be the one to let her know all of this.
You know as you have admitted, that your daughter is a brat and behaves badly. I know its hard to accept that others feel that she is a brat and behaves badly but it is what it is. Sometimes you have to leave your lil mama bear feelings out of it and not let it dictate your parenting.
Sounds like DH doesn't want to be bothered with a bratty kid. I can't say I blame him. Its especially hard for step parents when they have their own bio child who doesn't behave in this disrespectful manner. Hang in there and perhaps find different methods of discipline and correction.