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I want kids my partner doesn't

Loz's picture

I've been with my partner for nearly 10 years when I got with him his daughter was 2 and son was 6 Months old. I am very close to both especially my SD. For years my partner said he would have one more for me but didn't really want his first two. Don't get me wrong he is a brilliant dad we have them every weekend and during holiday times when we can take the time off work and he wouldn't change them for the world. I've always wanted one of my own but now he is saying he really doesn't want any more. I'm now 29 he's 31 and I'm now torn between giving up on him and losing all 3 of them for one of my own but I don't want anyone else !! I can't decide if my skids are now enough or will I regret not having my own

Comments

Loz's picture

I do see what you are saying but I also don't want to lose my two skids I couldn't imagine life without them either now

twoviewpoints's picture

" I can't decide if my skids are now enough or will I regret not having my own"

No one can decide this for you. It's a very personal decision you'll have to make on your own. I believe leading you on for ten years and now saying no must be heartbreaking for you, but you can't force him. Tricking him would be wrong. He needs to hear why a child of your own is so important to you. After that, if he still says no, you have an extremely difficult decision to make.

BethAnne's picture

Really? Be in a marriage but be a single mom? And for him who does not want more kids to live in a house with another kid who is not his? I know the irony of all this, with us all being step parents, but who would really choose this option intentionally for themselves or a child? Also laws need to be checked as some places he may still be legally responsible for the child wherever the sperm came from. It may sound good on paper but I do not think that it would work out very well in the end.

BethAnne's picture

Fair, but if that is the choice then I think it is unrealistic to expect the relationship to last. I would do it but plan on doing it as an independent single mother.

moeilijk's picture

Well, he's been very very lucky that he's had a partner that DIDN'T resent every cry and every need of HIS children. So, while I can't say this would be an easy path, I would certainly let him know that as my equal partner, I expect him to be a joyful stepparent to my child(ren), as the OP has been to his.

I would not allow his (potential) feelings to dictate my choices any longer.

BethAnne's picture

I would read up on here. I don't have any kids myself, just a step daughter who is 9. From reading on here I have learned to expect that my relationship with her could very well sour over the next 10 years or so because I am not her mother. I also am fully aware that should my husband die, I will never see this child that's I live with and care for full time again. I know that circumstances could change and that sd could end up back living with her mother. She is not and never will be a substitute for my own child. I do everything for her but I have no rights to her. The fact that she is not my daughter and I am not her mother is in our faces every day. Personally at 32 I am trying to decide if I want my own kids or not. My husband went from being very enthusiastic in the early days of our relationship to saying these days that he does not mind either way and it is up to me to decide. I would be furious if he said he did not want any kids at all as it was something that I explicitly discussed with him before committing long term to our relationship and something he agreed to. If it were me I would be seriously considering leaving him. Does your husband know how serious you are about wanting children?

hereiam's picture

For years my partner said he would have one more for me but didn't really want his first two.

This is not the man to have children with, he doesn't want any. Having one "for you" is not the same as wanting one. You know that now, because he is telling you that he doesn't want anymore, but really, he already said that.

WalkOnBy's picture

THIS!!!

moreover, why would you want to have a child with a man who told you he "didn't really want his first two."

This is not the partner for you. Move on to someone who wants to have a child with you.

SM12's picture

I can totally understand where you are coming from so let me share my experience with you on this matter.

When I met my XH, I was 23 and he was 26. He had been married/ divorced and had an adorable 3 yr old little girl who I fell in love with. After dating for year we moved in together. I adored his daughter. I never really considered having my own kids until I met him/ her. I started to get baby fever. After living together for almost a year, my XH (BF at the time) told me he never wanted to have more kids and he was planning to get a vasectomy. My heart dropped. I told him if that was his plan, fine, but to never propose to me as I wanted children and would go to a sperm bank if he didn't want to have a child with me. He then thought about it for a while and said he would rather have a child with me then lose me. Fast forward two years...we are married. After a few years of marriage we start the discussion of starting to try for a baby. He then turns it all around on me and says "I told you I never wanted more kids". He was set against it. I was crushed. A few months later he changed his mind again and says he really wants to have a baby with me and we need to start immediately. Long story short...I ended up pregnant within two months. My XH was never excited about the pregnancy. He started drinking constantly, staying out all night and being verbally abusive. He became a holy terror. The second I found out I was pregnant, my whole marriage changed and he was horrible. He never really bonded with our BS. He never took any interest in him. He tries to pretend he is FOTY but really he regrets having him. After we divorced, he only would see BS when it fit into his schedule, didn't pay his very minimal CS and was not involved in raising him.
Now that BS is an adult and launched, XH acts like the proud dad who created this amazing young man. BS knows that its all an act and comes to my DH for a father figure.

I'm not telling this to unload all my baggage...I'm telling you this to make sure you are careful about what you wish for. If your DH is set that he doesn't want a child then do not force the issue. It has been 10 years and he still doesn't want a baby so even if he suddenly changes his mind, it could end your marriage. I would cut him loose or learn to live without a child of your own. That is for you to decide. Just don't push him into a child that he doesn't want. I would never wish that on my own BS.

breakingthroughtheinstincts's picture

I have friends who met after she had had to have a hysterectomy; he had always wanted children so I can imagine there was a lot of heartache on his part. However 25 years later they have just married and he obviously feels his love for her was stronger than his need for children.

Having said this I would never have married my DH if he had not wanted more children - I have been clear from the start that I have always wanted my own (and I am now pregnant!).

It is your choice, but I would struggle to have denied my biological clock - For a couple of years I thought I might not be able to conceive and started to become quite bitter in my feelings towards other Mums and children...

yolo222's picture

Ten years is too long to wait. He strung you along. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It will be a difficult decision but only you can choose. Either way there will be resentment on either side since u both want different things if you stay together.

Acratopotes's picture

There's nothing for you left in this relationship - move on...

You want kids he does not, he already has 2... so accept it an move on.