SD bonding issues, need some advice
I have a SD, 4 years, who lives with her bio dad and I full time. She sees her bio mom every other weekend and any extra time that we agree on. We gave BM an extra weekend so SD could attend a wedding with her. So SD was at BMs house 3 weekends in a row. This whole week SD has had a horrible attitude, lying (excessively), throwing tantrums multiple times a day (which we had broken for 3 months), hitting my bio son, also 4 years, and deliberately disobeying to everything I, and only what i, tell her to do. She also started pulling away from me. I've been in her life since she was 2 and every night before she goes to bed I read her a story and give hugs and kisses. After the last time she returned from her mother's, she started refusing both hugs and kisses nearly every night. I have never forced her to do so, so I just leave the room. A little hurt. She has started refusing to hold my hand while crossing the street, which is only an issue to me when her father isn't around for her to hold his hand instead. But basically she seems to be very distant to me. She used to climb up in my lap and watch shows or ask me to read books and now when I ask her if she wants to she just gives me mean looks and goes to the play room. I have a feeling it has something to do with her bio mom since she came back with this horrible attitude and distance that got worse after each weekend and this wouldn't be the first time her BM has tried something like that. I just don't know how to deal with this. It hurts a little because I love this little girl as if she were mine. I don't want to force bonding time but I worry whatever her mom might be saying to her is putting a wall up between us. I just need some advice.
He does care for her and does
He does care for her and does great with her. I just plan on being around and being a part of her life. I definitely don't want to push the issue and she will definitely take the lead. I just don't want her to look back and think I never tried.
She left when she was 2 and
She left when she was 2 and told DH that she gave up 2 years of her life to be a mom and wouldn't be giving up doing things she loved to be a mom anymore. So he's had her ever since and we are now going through court to get it all in paper.
SD is not your kid, it's a
SD is not your kid, it's a fact, so I agree with Superjew - let her dictate the relationship,
If she's nice to you, be nice back, if she pulls away ignore it and focus on your child....
If DH is not around do not even attempt taking SD out, simply because she refuse holding your hand crossing a street..
there's nothing you can do, not about SD's behavior and not about what's happening at BM's.
I suggest you talk to DH and he should keep strictly to the CO visitation schedule, sorry BM you can not have her 3 week ends in a row. SD hitting your boy - send her to cool off corner, over and done with.
You can be sure that
You can be sure that mommykins is saying stuff to her like "SM and DS are NOT your REAL family, only your dad and I are...blah blah."
And so it begins. Exact same thing happened to me. You may have been told that if kids are very young then they will bond with you. Baloney! Only if its the Brady Bunch where both exes have assumed room temperature.
Most likely the BM is telling her to act up as well so that the BM can gain back custody, and, most importantly to any CP BM, CHILD SUPPORT$$$$
As soon as the child starts to comprehend language, the brainwashing begins. Now you have to try and undo what mommykins has done on her visits.
Having custody gives you the upperhand though
DH needs to confront the PASing BM and at the very least, let her know that he's on to her trying to drive a wedge by using SD as a crowbar.
Make sure you find a counselor who is or has been, preferably, a stepMOM. Nothing against men counselors, but being a stepDAD, on the whole, is far, far easier with much fewer expectations imposed than a SM.
Success depends on whether DH will stand up to the BM and start to LIMIT her exposure to SD rather than increase it. You two had good intensions, but, as proven time and again, no good deed goes unpunished, particularly in stepHELL. Get the book "Step Monster" and also look up Dr. Childress and Parental Alienation on youtube.