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Step child is ruining my marriage..

mmf722's picture

Sad Help! My husband and I have been together 7 years and married last November. We have had a pretty happy relationship. He have visitation with his children during our whole relationship. Last spring one of his children came to live with us, with pretty much no warning, last spring. Since then, all we do is fight and I feel like our marriage is going down the tubes. I feel undermined and unsupported when dealing with his son and i feel pretty much alone in our marriage. He refuses to understand what i am going through dealing with this adjustment and the emotions I feel being a step parent. He thinks i am only projecting them onto myself and my own enemy. I am miserable. I cry all the time. I love my husband and when my step son isn't around we are great, but when he is around I feel like all we do is fight. I don't want to leave my husband but I find myself entertaining the idea more often lately. My step son isn't really a bad kid, but a lot of work and causing a huge strain on us. I just feel like I am the only one seeing and feeling it..or the only one that cares about it.

mmf722's picture

When I tell him I am going to step out of it and allow him to handle it all, he gets mad and says it is not fair that I am suddenly dropping all the responsibility that we once shared in his lap. When I do have a problem with something with the child he finds a way to blame me rather then support me and show the child we are a unified front.

mmf722's picture

we live several states away from the mother. She kicked him out one night for being 'disrespectful' but really he was just being 11.. She has her own mental issues and we dont communicate with her other than drop offs for visitation.

An example: Last night youtube was blocked on his computer because he only wants to watch videos instead of doing what he is told. today he argues for 20 mins that he NEEDS youtube to do school work. I gave him 5 solutions to get around using youtube and explained how he doesnt really need it. He continues to argue. I explain youtube was blocked because of his actions so now he needs to find a way to do his work without it, regardless if youtube would have made it easier or not. next thing i know, my husband tells him he will unblock youtube for 1 hour only for him to get his work done. So not only did i look like the bad guy yelling and disciplining him about youtube and his actions, but my husband undermines me and looks like the hero by unblocking it,, if even for an hour.. nd gave him the easy way out.

Miss T's picture

"I am suddenly dropping all the responsibility that we once shared in his lap ..."

Wrong. He suddenly dropped a heapin' helpin' of responsibility in your lap. You did not marry him with the understanding that his son would be coming to live with you. I call false advertising, at the very least. Disengage. Stop doing for his kid, and don't put up with any skid crap. (Refer to any post on this board for the meaning of that term.) If DH gives you a bad time about throwing it all back on him, remind him that you did not sign up for this. If in a fit of madness you agreed to it, remind him that you are entitled to change your mind. Remind yourself of that, too, and check out the locations of the exits.

And once again, disengage.

yolo222's picture

You and your hubs need to be on the same page as far as discipline. Come up with a plan u both agree on and stick to it no matter what.

KarrieC's picture

My DH gets upset when I need to back away from situation too and it sucks but it does work. Your husband created this issue by not holding his ground which is causing you to be the bad guy and thats not fair to ANYONE, especially not to you (his forever partner!).

We work really hard as a couple to get on the same page and I have to give my DH props for getting it together and putting our relationship first - even when he disagrees with me initially. He hates this but he fully acknowledges that my son is really well behaved because I am always consistent with him; his kids take total advantage of his fear of loosing them but not as much and it keeps getting better. His kids won't yell at me but they will scream at him until he gives in (drives me CRAZY) Not anymore though! Well, at least we are on the right path lol. He is bad cop with his kids and I am good cop. We can both easily parent my bio DS but if it takes a turn then I'm bad cop and he is good cop. It is helping us a ton! I also walk away from ugly situations a lot and go take a bath so I don't snap - I have snapped before and it's not pretty.

Find YOUR center and ask him to help his son develop into the man he hopes he'll be as an adult which takes song boundaries as a kid. Maybe ask him if he wants to need to rescue his adult son through his life because he really will need to if he does set strong bounties now. Plus hell be doing it alone because you won't be there once that boy is out of the house. My neighbors step son was like this and they ended up having him live with him mom to keep their relationship solid but they tried really hard for several years. You've got to have your kids back if you are happy with the behavior but not if you don't want it to continue forever LOL. Good luck!

mmf722's picture

just as an FYI... my ss DID NOT need you tube for homework. he was making up excuse as to why he needed it, so he could get it back, when in fact he only need to look up song lyrics. not LISTEN to the music.
Also, while my ss lives with us, my husband is away a lot due to work, so we need to share in the discipline since it is often just the 2 of us. I am hardly controlling, but in my home, I will not be disrespected, especially by a child.

Acratopotes's picture

hold on.... relax lady.... it was wrong taking a skid into the house with out discussing it first, but it happened and while you are newly weds.......

Disengage from the kid, you do not discipline and you do nothing for the kid, but this is only when skid does not respect you, if the skid is a decent one and does as asked, then whats the problem, You say it's a good skid, no major problems, thus it seems to me like you are just a wee bit jealous. You got married but it still does not mean you and DH are joined at the hip.

Find things to keep yourself busy with, you do not have to parent the skid, cause it's not yours to parent.
DH did what he wanted and moved his kid in permanently, you can do what you want and disengage, simply tell DH
we did not get married for me to become the free nanny, tutor, maid, bed warmer, it's your kid, it's between you and BM to parent him, it's not my responsibility.

mmf722's picture

1. who said anything about him moving the kid in without discussing it with ME first? Of course we discussed it.

2. How does any of this sound jealous? because I say my husband doesn't support me? Jealousy is the least of my worries.

3. no one said I need my husband attached to my hip. I really think you need to read my post again because I am not sure you are reading what i wrote correctly.

4. it is not between him and BM to parent. it is between he and I to raise him correctly as BM has already failed at that.

fedupandtired's picture

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. My husband and I are fine as long as his kids aren't around. The problem is the mother. She is such a hateful mean person. Of course the kids follow her lead. I too am considering leaving my husband. I can't stand his kids. They are good kids but their passive aggressive fake crap is getting to me. They use every opportunity to say awful things to me. I'm always upset and crying when they are around. At times, I wish I never met my husband. I never dated anyone with kids before him so this is a new experience for me. We have been together for 5 years and things never get better. I can honestly say that at this point I f*ing hate his kids and ex. I am sorry to all that deal with this bs. Why can't we be happy too. What is wrong with this hateful exes??!!

It's hard to disengage, especially when the snakes intentionally try to poke at you.

surfchica's picture

I totally know what you are going through. I tried disengaging and leaving my spouse to parent the SD12. But how can I truly disengage when the SD12 does not use soap, keeps her room filthy, smells of her stink around the house, forgets to flush the toilet, can't remember to do her ONE f'ing chore and my spouse looks the other way? Since we have moved in together I have been accused of not liking the girl when I dare bring up any of her bad habits. Honestly I think that I am the only one that really does care about her. Begged my spouse to finally have her evaluated. First round of testing done but spouse is moving out with SD12 so who knows if it will continue. After all, I am the problem and SD12 will be magically fine now. Hmm. Doubt it.