Enmeshment via cell phone accounts, 24/7 open house, etc.
A quick update. I posted here a few weeks ago complaining about SS 25's sharing a cell phone account with DH (and letting DH, who doesn't use the thing, with the lion's share of the bill). I've also been going on about how our house is not a way station for SS on his trips to town to visit DH and BM, who does not have any place for her kid to stay. He's a big boy, he has money and a good job, his multiple-night visits are a massive inconvenience for us, and he needs to learn to book a motel room.
I was sitting next to DH this morning while he conversed by phone with SS about the cell phone account. DH rarely uses his and SS is a heavy user of text and data. Two months after discovering that he's been paying for SS's deluxe account, DH is still apologetically explaining why this can't continue and they're still negotiating about who pays for what out of whose bank account. I don't share an account with DH, thankfully. This is his business, and it took about half an hour for them to discuss it this morning--again, 2 months after DH realized he was paying for his kid's Snapchat and whatever. On to the next topic, DH's heart was clearing breaking (I mean this sincerely) while he reluctantly told SS that he'll have to find overnight accommodations elsewhere on his planned holiday trip home. This took another half hour and SS clearly was not getting the message. DH repeated himself over and over, not putting the blame on me (because he recognizes it as a gigantic PITA to himself as well) and at the end of the conversation DH said he'd probably have to go over the topic a couple of times more to ensure SS gets the message.
DH is a sweet man, tactful and diplomatic to a fault. I, in contrast, will just tell my kids what I think and expect and if they don't like it, well, too bad, I'll talk to them in 6 months when they cool down. It was just kind of shocking to me to realize that DH is still having trouble getting what I regard as basic messages across to his kid. Pay for your own cell phone. You can't crash in our corridor room.
Is that so Apparently so.
Just venting.
Yeah, that's true. Needless
Yeah, that's true. Needless to say this whole thing resulted in a long conversation between us about his and my relationship with SS.
I regard these step relationships as fundamentally doomed on the part of all parties. No doubt there are some step families out there that work beautifully, but from what I've observed >99% of them do not. Although there is plenty of blame to go around, it's not really anyone's fault. We are competing for resources, and that goes about as well as can be expected.
At the time, though, I had no idea. Like so many women, I started out hoping to welcome SS into what would be our family. I prepared for his first overnight here so carefully and happily. Overprepared, maybe, I don't know. But when he got here that night--I remember it well--it took about 5 seconds for reality to slap me in the face. I wasn't his mother, I wasn't about to be a surrogate for his mother, he would just about tolerate me or not as he chose, and if I didn't like it I could go f@ck myself.
Over the years, through her behavior, I have come to understand that the initial moves in this nasty little game came from BM. Everyone has done their part to keep it going, and I won't deny I've contributed to the problem. Nor will I bore you and myself by going back over the details. Suffice to say that for years BM had a proprietary air towards her ex--we must tolerate his little piece on the side, after all she's got money, but we know who's really in charge here, don't we? And so it went until she finally screwed up so royally that even my long-suffering DH blew up. I haven't heard a peep from her since, and I don't think DH has either. But we continue drinking from her poisoned well.
I didn't go back over any of this. I just let DH go on, talking about how unhappy he is that his son and I haven't blended or bonded or whatever the he!! he was after. Talking about how horrid it feels to tell his son to get a motel.
I'm sorry for him. I really am. But not so sorry that I'll put up with SS any more than I have to. Ugh.
I 'sort of' feel sorry for DH
I 'sort of' feel sorry for DH also - that his princess is not allowed in our home but until he can inform her she is to respect me as his wife she is not darkening the doorstep. I just refuse to put up with the B.S. that I endured for 20+ years.
Your DH and my DH may be unhappy that we and their spawn have not blended but I really think a good part of the reason for that can be placed on our DH. There is no guarantee that a skid is going to start respecting you when DH expects them to. On the other hand, if our DH's would make this expectation for the beginning of the marriage the skids night have thought twice about being disrespectful to us. It would have made things a lot easier. No pity for self-inflicted wounds.
Yeah, I have a good pre-nup
Yeah, I have a good pre-nup too. Every now and again I get a resentful comment from DH about being a rent boy. Haha, as if rent boys were a bad thing.
I just totally do not
I just totally do not understand supposedly adult 25+ year old people expecting "Mommy and Daddy and any other adult they can try to mooch off of" to financially subsidize them. Seriously it just boggles my mind.
My parents were desperately poor. I fortunately was able to get my degree by age 20 and get a fab job right away (yes even 50+ years ago as a woman). I was subsidizing them - not asking them for anything. Nor did they ever ask me for anything. What I chose to give to them I willingly gave with no prompting from them.
I just have zero empathy for moochers. I have way more money than my DH. But my DH never looks to live off of my funds. My SS30 would like nothing more for me to take him on as a dependent. He'd probably never speak to his bio mother again if I dangled some money in front of him. But that will never happen.
I know. And it boggles my
I know. And it boggles my mind that mommy and daddy are ever apologetic about telling these boobs to stop mooching.
SS obviously has a great deal of loyalty to his mother, and for that and other reasons there's no question of my buying her out, as it were. But SS appears to be having trouble understanding that I haven't spent my life accumulating resources for him to enjoy, especially after he's spent the past decade or so letting me know just how little he thinks of me.
I have no children so SS30
I have no children so SS30 has this idea that I am going to bond with the spawn that he and his GF have produced and will leave all my money to him. He's so mistaken.
He might see that as a
He might see that as a challenge to gain LOTS of weight to become a human whale. }:)
DH is stalling - he can
DH is stalling - he can simply tell SS, I'm removing you from my phone plan, you have 30 days.... and then do so. DH does not need to go into a long convo about it. He's the parent he can just say it.
SS visiting, I will remove all beds from my house, just one for me and DH, turn the spare bedroom into something else, blast it all over social media and make sure SS knows about it.... then if SS drops in to sleep, I will simply say - Sorry SS you will have to find a hotel from now on, we do not have space for guest... comes bed time, I will tell him to go.
You would think it would be
You would think it would be that easy, wouldn't you? But evidently telling a precious son NO requires a series of maneuvers far too complicated for our simple little minds.
It is simple for those of us
It is simple for those of us who raised our kids to understand that they are kids, not mini-spouses, and are expected to grow the f*#@ up and have their own lives.
My SD especially and SS drove their own mother away. And after a period of time,began trying to drive me away.
And this has been a common theme on this site. DHs who have consistently enabled disruptive, entitled behavior have created these relationship monsters. Then they try to balance these creatures with a new wife who just wants everyone to get along. Not gonna happen unless DH steps up, stops trying to balance a wife with a kid who wants the wife gone, and tells the kid to grow the f*#@ up and get their own life.
Ewwww. Every time I read the
Ewwww. Every time I read the term "mini-spouse" I cringe, thinking about how bad this would be if DH had a daughter. SS is not nearly as bad a skid a some of you are afflicted with; and unlike some of you, I have a DH who will listen to reason if it's combined with some arm-twisting. But if he had a daughter, someone to be a true mini-wife (rather than a mini-bro) ... I can't bear to imagine.
My DH left his 31 year old
My DH left his 31 year old married son as an authorized user of his American Express charge card. Over a year ago, SS called his Dad and my DH put him on speaker phone as he always does. SS wanted to give my DH a "heads up" that he used his Dad's charge to pay off his last tuition bill of $1,700. He claimed that the school didn't accept Discover so he had no choice. I looked at the school's web site and they do accept Discover.
He never asked first, he just helped himself to $1,700, telling my DH that he would pay him back over the next 3 months. My DH reminded him that the American Express bill is due each month and that he would pay it and SS could pay US back. He promised he would. My DH added that "you should probably get your own American Express". I suggested to DH that he take his son off of the charge, but I doubt that has happened.
Over the next 3 months, SS paid us back $1,000, but still owes $700. Since that time, he and his wife bought a new vehicle, built a deck on their house, and have taken numerous trips. My DH hasn't said a word and if I bring it up, it would cause a big fight between us. I have 3 adult children who wouldn't dream of taking money from us.
I just can't even imagine
I just can't even imagine doing that, so nice of your SS to give his dad a "heads up".
Then again, I wouldn't have any other adult besides my DH on my credit card, nor would I expect my dad to have me on his.
My DD used my credit card
My DD used my credit card without my permission exactly ONE time. It was for a small purchase, and one I would have allowed had she asked me first. But she didn't. And she got...get this...consequences.
Not only did you abuse this
Not only did you abuse this poor, innocent child by giving unnamed, probably psychologically and possibly physically disfiguring consequences; you actually seem proud of your sadistic, child-hating behavior. Publish your email address here immediately so that the hounds of hell can be released on you, after I call CSD.
Me neither, hereiam! The
Me neither, hereiam! The nerve to think he's entitled to use his Dad's credit card is appalling, and the fact that my husband probably hasn't taken him off irks me, but it's not worth a fight. He pays his own charge card bill.
Wow, sueu2, I think I have
Wow, sueu2, I think I have every right to judge the dynamic of my DH's relationship with his skids when they continuously take advantage of him. This is just one small example of the skids behavior. I realize that DH should put his foot down, but he doesn't. My DH put his son on his charge card back when he was in college for emergencies. His son doesn't use it on a regular basis, but took it upon himself to reactivate the card when he and his wife went to Europe a couple of years ago, "just in case". He again told my DH after the fact. My DH is afraid to take steps that will rock the boat as far as his kids are concerned and just finds it easier to let things slide. His 3 adult kids only bother with him when they want something. My DH was as shocked as I when SS called to give him the heads up that he used the charge and told his son it was about time he got his own charge. He also told SS he could pay US back, meaning it's my money as well as DH's, even though he pays the charge. I support more than my fair share of our household due to my DH's $25,000 yearly alimony payments, but that's another whole issue.
I thought this site was a place to vent about our step kid issues, not a place to be criticized.