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I am becoming THE EVIL STEPMOTHER

Blankey's picture

Submitted by Blankey on Wed, 10/12/2016 - 5:39am

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Blended Family Issues

My SS is 6.. I already had 3 children and we had a baby together.. but my SS thinks everything should revolve around him.. need constant attention will never play or watch tv by himself.. if other children stop playing with him to do something else he tells on them, tells them they are horrible and calls them names.. he steals , lies, sticks his fingers up. I've caught him hitting our baby with plastic hammer but hubby says he was just playing!
He wants everything he sees.. when my 8DD went to a friends party he declared unless we buy him loads of sweets he is going home!
He is obsessed by food.. what others have or are doing.. never rests just looking and listening.. then makes an excuse or reason or lie to go see what's happening..when people come over he demands centre stage if they attempt to talk to someone else he will physically get there face and turn it towards him.
I am the one who prepares his food gives him medicine if he's poorly and kisses him if he's hurt .. I do all the motherly type things for him but I also treat him the same as my 4 children.. everyone is an individual and treated according and fairly. We all use manners we all talk kindly and wait turns etc.. and as a result I'm sure he hates me. He won't sit near me if I ask him a question he just looks at me ignoring me. If I tell him he can't have a 4th breakfast just because someone else is eating something he doesn't have to.. he will bury himself under sofa cushions.. get sulky and very difficult..
this situation reducing me to tears... I do not want to feel this way but I have not got the materials inside me to cope with him.. it's been 4 years.. and getting harder not easier!
My husband is so understanding and I'm very honest with him but I know it must hurt him so much

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 10/12/2016 - 8:05am

You are no Evil SM by far.....if you want to know Evil SM - talk to me.

Hon the kid is 6 years old, you already have 4 kids to care about, I do not see you mentioning anything about your DH disciplining his hellion? I suggest you start getting onto DH's nerves that he can parent his kid.

If kid demands loads of this or that or he goes home, simply take his stuff put it in the car and take him home.. why allow him to call the shots? He's 6, believe me you will only drop him off twice and then he will stop. Currently he's manipulating you lot and you all are falling for it.

Blankey's picture

Submitted by Blankey on Wed, 10/12/2016 - 8:36am

Thank you .. I am soft I know I am.. I concentrate too much on how he's feeling instead of the fact his Actual parents created this and they do not see any wrong in the fact he's this way. It's me and my kids who then suffer.. DH works a lot so I get the brunt of it but.. last few weeks I have put my foot down.. and said when SS is here he need to be here.. DH does tell him off but I feel I tell tales then he does this lame watered down "why did u do that for.. that's not how we behave is it" in a sing along voice!
Where as if it was my DD8 he would sound much more assertive and wouldn't need me telling him he would of noticed!
Step parenting.. merged families... what a headache...
to sound even more awful... we have no other issues in our home other than SS .. we plod along happily for the week and bit we don't have him here..
I've accused my self of jealousy.. resentment and being immature.. then I get cross.. and start cursing about DH and his ex
Bottom line is.. I do not accept or tolerate his behaviour..
and by the way when he demanded sweets or to go home.. I took him home! Smile

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Thu, 10/13/2016 - 12:52am

Remember Hon, not all people have the same parenting styles, took me years to accept it and once I did life was easier,

Your broot is still very young and you and DH will have to teach SS that in your house it's your rules, at BM's house it's that rules(if there's any) and you will not tolerate him being a brat.

I truly hope your DH is 100% behind you and if BM calls him and complains he should be telling BM to stuff it, she has no say in your house. This is basically the only way you will get through the next 12 years, Never engage with BM, you have nothing to say to this woman out loud.... ignore her calls, if she has a problem she can talk to DH, also DH can not just agree to anything BM wants, he should simply tell her, I will talk to my wife about it and come back to you..

Work more on DH then on SS if you catch my drift Wink

breakingthroughtheinstincts's picture

Submitted by breakingthrough... on Wed, 10/12/2016 - 9:49am

Does DH support you 100%? There must be a root to SS's behaviour as it is different from your kids (or he would take the lead from them and knuckle down). Do you know if BM has got involved/is telling him you are not his Mum etc?

I think it is time for a chat with DH, see how he feels about you parenting SS and whether he is completely happy with it. From experience you can get into such deep water trying to parent a Skid unless your DH is backing you to the hilt at every turn. Ask how BM parents him and ask DH if he would prefer you weren't as strict, let SS get away with things (like he probably does at BM's house by the sound)?

Hopefully that with pull him closer to you to be more supportive of your parenting... or you are heading down a path to disengaging...

Blankey's picture

Submitted by Blankey on Wed, 10/12/2016 - 9:58am

I didn't think of it like that.. I guess I just saw the opportunity to send him back.. he had been to a theme park for the day with his mum been dropped off at ours that evening and it was in the morning he kicked off because my DD was going to a friends party! No one was upset he had had nice day out came to ours with new toys he had been brought.. my children just asked what his favourite ride was etc..
He comes every other weekend fri til Sunday night and during the week for tea ...

Maxwell09's picture

Submitted by Maxwell09 on Wed, 10/12/2016 - 10:05am

SS5 was getting annoyingly needy around 4.5-5 years. Me and DH would tell him to go play by himself in his room and if he couldn't do that then we'd make him sit in front of us and say "okay you want our attention, here it is..." we would just stare at him. He'd start squirming and tell us to stop or he didn't like it. So we tell him to go play and that he doesn't have to have an audience every time he does something. He's gotten better.

Blankey's picture

Submitted by Blankey on Wed, 10/12/2016 - 10:05am

DH is supporting he says I he couldn't ask for a better mother of his kids and yes I'm very different to his ex.. I feel without any evidence that SS is top dog at his house and gets what he wants and doted on by all.. lots of extended family who he visits and sleeps over..he has 2 younger brothers at his home but he is oldest I feel that's why he gets away with things..
I have bumped in to him with his BM in a shop with him full meltdown wanting sweets.. and she gave in..
where as at ours we have 4 others he's a middle child and I don't work like that.. that type of behaviour is not tolerated..
As much as DH supports me he is full of guilt he isn't a full time dad and he is to our 4 .
I have suggested I work weekends or he has him at his mums house but I can't help but feel it's him getting what he wants centre of attention.. but I can't have it both ways..

Blankey's picture

Submitted by Blankey on Wed, 10/12/2016 - 10:13am

He will never play by himself or do anything he can't put shoes on make a drink open crisps packet or wash.. I know he's 6 and maybe I hav advanced children but mine were all willingly independent..
And his greed is out of this world we brought few portions of chips to share before an activity the other week and they were really hot.. his face and even ears were bright red his eyes streaming an gagging because he was ramming them in his mouth and swallowing them with out chewing because he didn't like sharing.. I always put big pot of juice out when he's here and he will drink 4/5. Cups then if he sees someone else going to get one he runs back to it...
I have no understanding for this.. I stand there with my jaw hanging!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 10/13/2016 - 6:42pm

On the relative scale of evil Sparents .... you are not even on the same continent. You are tgrying to parent. DH isn't. DH is the evil parent in this picture. DH is an abject parental failure with this kid and if DH does not find his man sack and grow some parenting balls this kid will be a monster.

It is going to take some physical intervention to correct this crappy behavior from SS. When he gets in people faces and turns their faces towards him he needs to be immediately turned over a knee, have his ass lit up, and them be unceremoniously dragged to his room and dumped on his bed for the remainder of the day.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

If DH won't do it ... then you have to do it.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.