Getting SO hard to keep my mouth shut...
None of this is new to anyone but... BM is back at it. I just really need to vent about it.
There was a few week lapse in child support because there was a screw up with DH's checks. (They are issued from an out of state bank, long story).
He told BM what was going on. He told her that when he got his checks, her money would be sent. During this time he still purchased his son his football gear on a credit card, as it was agreed he would take care of that. She *seemed* understanding at first.
Well, yesterday she called OUR lawyer and babbled on about how we take the skids out to eat (a cheap diner last weekend because I didn't have anything in the house), how we have another dog (none of her business and I pay for my dog) and various other complaints trying to build a case against us that we are stiffing her for money. The lawyer called us and is helping us file a motion to have support lowered until after DH has surgery and is back on full duty. Fingers crossed that it works out.
Anyway, the thing that continued to blow my mind is: I watched my best friend raise her child as a SINGLE MOTHER. She never kept the child from her deadbeat dad when we would come around. She busted her ass for that child. BM likes to pretend she is the same way... Miss Independent. It is becoming harder and harder for me to ignore, take the high road, when I just want to INFORM this woman what she really is--- a SCUMBAG who places money over her children.
SUPPORTING FACTS: BM works a couple shifts per week serving chicken wings. The skids are in school all day while she shops or sits on her ass. She gets state medical. She has never had to pay for childcare. DH has paid her precious child support, always been readily available for any extra time with skids that she would allow, helped out with extras, allowed her to claim them every year on taxes, etc. He has been an involved father since day 1... as much as she would "let" him. Was he perfect in his younger years, no. But for YEARS he has tried to do everything he can. If he breathes the wrong way she takes him back to court.
He would be glad to take them school shopping, help her out if she was short on money one week, pay for sports. She drags him through the court system anyway. What is it about some women? Does she enjoy wasting hours in court? How is that fun? Does she not see that she doesn't have it THAT BAD??? Does she need someone to inform her? I really want to lay into this bitch. I want to say every cruel thing that crosses my mind, and then some.
Why always the high road? Someone remind me?
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We stay on the high road
We stay on the high road because if we didn't, we would feel guilty about it. Or so my therapist tells me.
cause the have the right to
cause the have the right to be that way, DH slept with her and thus he will pay for the rest of his life, and if he should go first. she will get everything... not the second wife and not the children.
Hope that clarifies it for you
DH should get his CS lowered by court and then stick with it, no more extra's to that woman.. if the kids needs something he can smile and say, ask mum I already paid her...
just because he can }:)
To me, taking the high road
To me, taking the high road means storing the ammunition that you might need later. If I want to smack someone down in a spectacular fashion; I keep my mouth shut, put a smile on my face, and start building my plan of attack. It doesn't mean being some holier than thou martyr. It means you're smart enough to play it close to the vest and to have a long game.
I guess, that in the end, the
I guess, that in the end, the easiest thing to do is for him to pay his CO support payments in a timely manner. Now, if there is a legit reason to request support to be lowered, he should file that. I honestly don't know if it costs him to do that or not. If it does and his circumstance change is only temporary, he will have to decide whether the cost to make changes will outweigh the likely reduction.
Again, sticking to the CO payments even if there are issues with out of state checks etc.. is pretty important. If he doesn't, he is just asking for grief and extra court expense and head ache.
I helped my DH pay his support payments occasionally because the alternative of his EX not getting the payments and trying to haul him back to court would have been more expensive and a bigger hassle to us in the long run. He would repay me when his funds were straight.
If there is any way you could have "loaned" him the money to make payments, even partial payments, his EX wouldn't be in a tizzy.
Think about it this way. Just like you count on your paycheck, she relies on those CO payments from him. I know that it sucks for the new wife to see money leave the household for the EX, but it helps to just accept it because lord knows we can't change it.
I really REALLY liked the way
I really REALLY liked the way you put this. I honestly had not thought of it that way. Thanks for the perspective.
I can't find it in me to care
I can't find it in me to care if she built her life around her child support checks. I personally find that incredibly pathetic. She chooses to work a few shifts per week, she can work more, this is not a woman who is taking care of infants... they are in school. This is a woman who manipulates court order and rips the kids from DH whenever she feels like it because she knows we don't have the money to keep taking her to court. Yes, I document everything, but she continues to mess with his visitation (you can catch up on bills but can you get time back?) Child support is supposed to supplement income isn't it? Or is it a career option?
And, like you posted above
And, like you posted above Heaven, it may be worth their while to make sure the payments are made because the alternative is messy and costly court stuff.
I helped my DH pay his support on occasion. It was worth it to me to not have our family go through the costly and aggravating court mess. My DH's EX also was intermittently employed and that can piss you off too when you are busting your tail to earn a living.
The bottom line though is it makes it better to just accept the fact that he has a child and has a legal and moral obligation to support said child.
If your child needed food and you didn't have money, I am sure you would borrow to buy some. This is basically the same thing with CS.
You can't control your DH EX's work ethic or even what she spends money on. He owes the money.. and that's the bottom line. If he doesn't pay it there are financial and other implications. I always felt it was better to just "pay the Btch" and not hear from her.
Wait what? DH was late for 3
Wait what? DH was late for 3 weeks and she is calling your lawyer. Wow. Here it would take 3-6 months to even get a court date on late or non payment of CS.
First off, tell your layer to NEVER take a call from her again. And if he bills you for these emails, tell him to bill BM. I would have a fit over this.
Second, she sounds like a loser who will not work and relies TOO heavy on CS. Yes, I get that the man is 3 WEEKS late but it is a situation beyond his control but it is not that late. Sorry but I have no respect for anyone that works part time and will crash and burn if they do not get CS on the exact day it is due. If she relies that heavy on CS, she needs a full time job.
Third, DO NOT PAY HER CASH!!! Someone suggested pulling cash from a credit card. NO NO NO!! Worst idea ever. It will not be counted as CS so she could just double dip. This is not a DH issue.
Forth, this sucks and it is hard to not tell her to F off. But you will feel better, later down the road that you did take the high road.
EDIT TO ADD..I replied to AJ but it came up way down here.
Pull cash from the credit
Pull cash from the credit card, buy a cashier's check or money order. Never pay in cash.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
No...even if he pays check, or money order it is considered a gift. So when the state/bank catches up, she will still get full payment and be able to keep the money from the EXTRA money that DH gave her. Double dipping.
I think you are also wrong about the lawyer having to talk to her. But not sure on that one. Does not seem right though.
I guess I can't wrap my mind
I guess I can't wrap my mind around an able bodied young woman sitting around DEPENDING on child support to pay her bills.
Yes and he also needs to keep
Yes and he also needs to keep a roof over his head and help feed his "other" family who the lack of checks was also effecting. And I couldn't care less if BM has to wait a few weeks, which is why I didn't offer to send her payments from my own money. I do not make enough to step in and take care of it.
I am enraged that our lawyer
I am enraged that our lawyer took this call and will now bill us for it. BM recently got rid of her lawyer and now seems to think she can use ours?
I wasn't aware of that. I
I wasn't aware of that. I thought she could and would bill us. She certainly will bill us fr the emails back and forth about the call. It is outrageous.
"I get that OP can't pay it.
"I get that OP can't pay it. She's not obligated to help"
You are right.. I wasn't obligated to help my DH either but I figured our lives would be a lot easier if she were just paid and we figured out the finance issues on our own.
He owes the money and should have paid on time somehow to avoid this mess.
Exactly. He wasn't refusing
Exactly. He wasn't refusing to pay... there was a 3 week debacle with him not receiving his pay. Her money has always been garnished. It is not garnished at this moment because he is a few weeks out from surgery and on comp until after surgery is over. The checks come from out of state. My anger is because she can't ever be understanding.
So, just to clarify, the CS
So, just to clarify, the CS was being taken directly from these checks by the issuer?
I am not talking about he gets his check then sends her a check... I am talking about the entity that is writing those checks is sending her the support pmt directly (or through the state).
It was always garnished and
It was always garnished and sent to her through the state. That was to stop as he was now to be issued checks through another entity until he has a surgery and resumes work, so temporarily we were to issue her child support ourselves by personal check (still mailed through the state). We were under the impression the checks would be issued regularly but we went 21+ days without receiving anything. Obviously he contacted his company multiple times who told him they contacted the worker's comp agency, etc.
I know it isn't helpful but
I know it isn't helpful but the fact that the entity paying YOU was late shouldn't be her problem.
Your DH was supposed to be sending checks directly to the state because this "new" entity did not withhold for him. (I am assuming this is for disability pmts... that usually require a 2 week non-pay period before coverage kicks in).
The fact that this entity did not send checks to him does not absolve him of his obligation to send the required support to the state in a timely manner. The problem is really that without those payments from that entity, he personally did not have the money to send. Still, that shouldn't become her problem. It was still his obligation to pay the court ordered support unless it had been officially court ordered to be modified. "check delayed in the mail" is not a legal excuse.
This is where the concept of he is obligated to try to figure out how to pay her even if a check is delayed. Cash advance from his credit card, borrow it from you or someone else. He was supposed to pay that money and he didn't and THAT is why the lawyer was called. When he told her he was financially in a bind but she saw other money being spent, you can see how she might have thought she was being strung along.
Bottom line, this is why I lent my DH money for his support occasionally. He was legally obligated to pay it whether his clients paid their bills on time or not. If he didn't pay it our household income would have ultimately suffered due to extra expense and aggravation dealing with court.
I took the high road in the
I took the high road in the beginning and everyone believed the stories coming out of BM's mouth. I got tired of it and started enlightening everyone on just how much of a trainwreck she puts us through on a weekly basis and guess what happened? No one cared. People who don't have to deal with a crazy ex, terrible stepchildren or both simply don't understand what we go through. People can't relate to situations they've never been in before and that's probably what makes step life so lonely. I used to tell my friend to not date anyone with kids because even though I would love for her to relatet what I'm going through, I'd never want her to go through all of this. I don't feel guilty for taking the lower road as one of the poster's therapist suggested but more tired. Now I see it as wasteful energy. There's no point in responding to BM or trying to convince someone you're not the evil villains. You need to let BM react however she wants, call whoever she wants and let it go because nothing coming from you will ever change her perspective on you or your life with SO
I appreciate this insight. BM
I appreciate this insight. BM yaps around town about what a piece of trash I am and how because of me HER KIDS go without. In her mind I am wealthy or something and I hoard DH's money instead of showering her with it. I BUST MY ASS. I actually AM independent, something she would know NOTHING about. I go above and beyond for her kids, as does my husband, and after awhile hearing her slander my name gets real old.
Isn't it INSANE? I would be
Isn't it INSANE? I would be ashamed to look at myself in the mirror. When one party just wants a reasonable visitation schedule and is willing to support the kids to the best of his ability... and BM insists on making it an all out war instead. It is nearly impossible to ignore it sometimes.
He *should* have more money
He *should* have more money put aside for these unforeseeable circumstances but he doesn't. She also, in a perfect world, *should* be understanding that shit happens... but she is hell bent on milking him for all he is worth, plus some.
He called her the second he
He called her the second he realized the check wasn't coming... that very first Friday after checking the mail all week. Of course he notified her.
She is "fine" with it until
She is "fine" with it until she hears the kids went to a diner and ate grilled cheese. Then suddenly we are "going out to eat." Always a pissing match with her. Not sure if she preferred the kids to graze on the grass outside? I mean they had to eat. She is petty in that way and that is why I am angry and think she is horrible. That is the reason for the rant.
I understand how you feel.
I understand how you feel. My DH's EX was hell on wheels if he didn't pay on the first or before (he paid her directly).
He had his own business and was at the mercy of various clients paying him.. they didn't pay, he didn't have the money to pay HER.
I made enough money that he and I could still do things like go out to eat or whatever, even if his money was late.
Of course, I had no obligation to pay his child support but as you can see, not paying DOES impact you so if you had the ability to help him out and loan him the money for a few weeks until his checks were straight, it would have avoided a LOT of headache.
It's about the optics for her, she saw money being spent (even if it was minor) and thought he was just handing her a line. Obviously they don't have a great, trusting relationship.
Yeah, it would be nice if she would have been more understanding, but she wasn't. He was obligated to pay and didn't.. I'm sure that put her in some bind financially and when she saw money being spent that could have paid her, she got pissed and called the lawyer costing him MORE money and aggravation.
That's why I would have helped in your situation if it were possible.
I do understand. I just feel
I do understand. I just feel better, today, complaining. Some days I can meditate on it, clear my head enough to find acceptance... some days I want to just scream and throw in the towel. I have never seen someone with such bad intentions always come out on top.
Believe me, I feel your pain.
Believe me, I feel your pain. It's frustrating knowing your DH isn't intentionally trying to cheat her and all. But, this is why I did help my DH on occasion, with his EX it was just easier to not poke the pig.
Believe me, in the future, a time will come when you can sit back and be happy that you are living a better life.
When the younger SD aged out and he stopped paying child support, his EX definitely felt it. In fact, she called and threatened court again. Said she was gonna take him back to court for spousal support because it was "reserved" in their divorce decree. Keep in mind they had been married less than 10 years and this was almost 15 years since their separation. So... no honey, you are no longer entitled to any level of spousal support. Especially when you have been living with your farmer boyfriend for 10 years. You are not eligable on so many levels BM!
I mean, even this past weekend, the OSD got married and she actually said that her BF should be in a picture with OSD because he had been in her life as long as her dad. WTF? Um no he hasn't. I had no problem with him taking a pic with her, it was just the way she said it.
But, I took the higher road at the wedding. I even loudly suggested that OSD have a picture with both her father and her Bio Mom... I looked so gracious.
Living well is the best revenge. At some point, the constant money grubbing from the BM will stop (if your DH puts his foot down). Then you and he will enjoy a lovely BM free life.
I hate to rush away life but
I hate to rush away life but sometimes I simply cannot wait until they age out. We have sooo long to go. Good for you for suggesting a picture with mom and dad. That is very classy and kind.
Living well sure is the best revenge. I think right now I am so upset because we are having a real hard time. Certainly aren't living well. DH is so kind to BM's loser boyfriend, so gracious... and I am always the recipient of her hatred and lies. I will remind myself that one day, somehow, there will be light for us at the end of this tunnel.
There is.. I have lived it.
There is.. I have lived it. It was immensely satisfying to have the ladies on the grooms side of the family tell me how hard BM is to get along with.
I feel your pain and
I feel your pain and frustration. I've been there. Some BM's really are vindictive and mean. There is nothing you can do except take care of you!
You said she always come out on top. It only appears that way right now. Once the child support stops due to the child(ren) ageing out, I surmise her life will drastically take a turn for the worse.
DH made his last CS payment this summer. DH was giving BM $1,100+ (2 kids) per month for 13 years and then $900+ per month for 2 years once the youngest of the two aged out. DH gently told BM well over a year ago she needs to prepare for the day when CS ended. She didn't. Now the oldest is telling DH that BM's life is spinning out of control. She has no food in her house even though she works full(?) time. She's also married and has been for 7 years -- to a drunk. Now she's looking for HER kids to save her. Neither of them have the desire. In fact, once the oldest graduates college (next year) she's moving far away from BM.
Being mean and vindictive has a way of catching up to you. BM is not so special that life won't catch up to her too. It's sad if you ask me. Really sad.
He still got SS his football
He still got SS his football cleats, mouthguard and gloves on our nearly maxed out credit card. We still fed the skids, clothed them and entertained them to the best of our ability. I really do not understand how one party can manipulate the visitation order and justify that while the other party truly is doing their best and can't seem to catch a break. I personally feel the justice system has completely and utterly failed us. Maybe all stepmoms feel similarly. who knows anymore. I would love to punch this woman in her face but instead I am here.
Thank you, Ladyface. It'll be
Thank you, Ladyface.
It'll be a cold day in hell before I blame my husband and "see things from BM's perspective." She has done nothing but suckle off the system and sabotage his chances at being a father since day 1.
Even a broken clock is right
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
In this case, she is right, she should have been paid her support payment.
Now, it would be "nice" if she would do better. It would be nice when she would consider all the things your DH does that he probably doesn't have to. It would be nice if she could understand that you guys are going through a tough time and that there was a delay in him getting some money.
She may be wrong in so many other situations but in this case, she was in the right.
Believe me, I understand your frustrations. My DH's EX was a complete POS. She would get jobs and then be fired regularly. Or she would quit. She always was a dependent. She would shriek to high heaven for any small delay of payment to HER and yet would not pay her half of medical expenses and would make it difficult on my SO to exercise his visitation rights. She would make decisions with the girls that he did not agree with. Even if it effected him, he had no say. (like signing up the kids for activities which would prevent him from having visitation due to the distance).
So, I understand.. she should be more understanding etc... BUT, we can't control other people and in this case she was in the right. He owed the money and should have found a way to pay for it. It would have prevented a LOT of hassle that you are now enduring. Yeah, she could have not been a btch, but would you expect any different from her?
In this case, your DH had two options. 1. pay her CS on time 2. Suffer the consequences. He can't control her or her actions, those were his only two choices.
So, the situation with court now is his fault because he could have prevented it by paying on time.
Again, I am on your side in the frustration with the POS BM who couldn't be patient and wait until his checks came in. But, she does rely on that money and from her point of view she shouldn't have to wait just because your DH didn't get a check. Especially when from her POV he appeared to be spending money.
so temporarily we were to
so temporarily we were to issue her child support ourselves by personal check
Technically, he has no valid reason to be late, as the issue is not CSE, since the auto deduction was stopped.