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Gregrcoleman's picture

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years and I have a 5 year old daughter (from previous marriage). My daughter has known my fiancé since she was a baby and really has only memories with me and her not me and her mom. As a toddler she would flip a switch whenever I'd go get her from her grandma or the sitter and act like it was so bad but I knew she was smiling and playing just moments before. My fiancé and I have had to go through some really bad times when she pulls her stunts at our place. She breaks stuff and is hateful and mean and tells my fianc that she wishes she would die! Lately she just keeps slamming door and banging things down on counters and tables. My fiancé cries all the time because my daughter is so great with her when they are alone it turns her switch when I enter the picture. She acts nice when she's alone with me too. She doesn't start doing crazy stuff unless we are both there or she wants some sort of attention. It's driving us crazy and I wonder if this relationship is worth my daughter happiness. My fiancé is getting put in overload and can't seem to handle much more of my daughter going tantrum so I usually take my daughter and leave the house but fiancé doesn't like that either. I don't know what she expects me to do but if I have to choose then I choose her and maybe start looking at relationships later when my daughter is older. She obviously needs me and doesn't like my fiancé and never had. It's not my daughters fault that I chose to be in a relationship and she shouldnt have to be around someone she doesn't like or a person that is always frustrated with my daughter. How do I get my fiance to understand that we will probably not work out unless my daughter can get onboard too? Aren't our kids the top priority? I don't want to see my fiancé hurting all the time because I love her and I don't want to be with anyone else but if my daughter doesn't make her happy then why would she want to stay with me anyway?

Peridwen's picture

Note : You've now posted three different forum posts with the same thing, because you don't like the answers you are getting. I guarantee they will not change. Below is a link to my comment on your other post. I stand by it.

https://www.steptalk.org/node/232348#comment-1885138

And to add: If you give a child adult authority in your home you will actually be destabilizing her worldview and causing her psychological damage. Children push boundaries because they have a fundamental NEED to know those boundaries exist. Search the psychology journals for the evidence if you don't believe me.

Gregrcoleman's picture

She doesn't stop she will fight this for the rest of life. She doesn't want another woman around. What am I suppose to do? Stop parenting, send her away? Not have a relationship with my daughter because of another person. She is made from me we are blood and bonded. I have to sacrifice that for someone that is not bonded by blood? Is that how it works on? Never mind that you are my baby, I have to do what someone else says. If my fiancé leaves my daughter will still be around she will never leave

BethAnne's picture

No you certainly do not sacrifice your daughter for your lover but you can teach and show your daughter that your happiness is not her sadness. That you have plenty of love to go around. That your love for her is never ending, even when you are also showing affection to your fiancée. That she has clear and consistent boundaries and rules. That she deserves respect and that she must be respectful. You need to step up your parenting game not give in. If you do not know where to start with gaining new parenting skills then you could try a class or some books.

Gregrcoleman's picture

She's five years old. Her feeling are not toddler range they are more developed than the whiny toddler phase that I went through. No I don't bribe her with toys or food I bribe her with time and attention. That should have been better since she needs it anyway she doesn't need junk and toys

IslandGal's picture

Sounds to me like you dont want help or support. You want justification for being a guilty daddy. Your poor fiancee..she must be feeling like absolute shit. I wonder..in future, when your daughter grows up and decides to marry. What if you despise her fiancee..should she kick his ass to the kerb to keep you happy? If not...why not? Its what youre teaching her now..that you and her relationship tops all..it tops your own relationship now.

Realise the fact that youre raising an adult..preparing your child to be a productive, decent adult who doesn't believd the world revolves around them. Raise her to be accepting and respectful of your relationship. Show her that your love is big enough for them both..but shown in different ways. Help her realise that love is not and should never be selfish or conditional.

Dont turn your daughter into an obsession and focus purely on her happiness..thats the cruelest thing you could do. I know of a man who put his daughter first from 5 years old. 40 years later..she is still single and lives with him.They attend all social functions together..and many have mistaken them for a couple. People shy away from them and think they are freaks. This could be your future if you keep it up.

Do the right thing..either step up and be a Dad and put your fiancee where she belongs..by your side...or let her go and find someone who knows how to treat her the way she deserves to be..with love and respect.

Peridwen's picture

He did drop the fiancee, lucky woman, according to his posts on the other forums. His daughter's "need" for his undivided attention trumped his "love" for the fiancee. He decided to be single until his daughter was grown up. I'm just hoping he keeps that promise. No woman deserves the hell she'll fall into with this dude.

Hennypenny's picture

If he sticks to his word then all single women in his vicinity just dodged a major bullet. So I will now reserve my sympathies for the poor fellow who gets duped into marrying daddy's girl in 20 years.

yolo222's picture

I may be a bit late with my reply but your significant other should come first. You are not ready for a serious relationship