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I think I'm just done with the whole thing

Gregrcoleman's picture

I have been with my fiancé for 4 years and I have a 5 year old daughter (from previous marriage). My daughter has known my fiancé since she was a baby and really has only memories with me and her not me and her mom. As a toddler she would flip a switch whenever I'd go get her from her grandma or the sitter and act like it was so bad but I knew she was smiling and playing just moments before. My fiancé and I have had to go through some really bad times when she pulls her stunts at our place. She breaks stuff and is hateful and mean and tells my fianc that she wishes she would die! Lately she just keeps slamming door and banging things down on counters and tables. My fiancé cries all the time because my daughter is so great with her when they are alone it turns her switch when I enter the picture. She acts nice when she's alone with me too. She doesn't start doing crazy stuff unless we are both there or she wants some sort of attention. It's driving us crazy and I wonder if this relationship is worth my daughter happiness. My fiancé is getting put in overload and can't seem to handle much more of my daughter going tantrum so I usually take my daughter and leave the house but fiancé doesn't like that either. I don't know what she expects me to do but if I have to choose then I choose her and maybe start looking at relationships later when my daughter is older. She obviously needs me and doesn't like my fiancé and never had. It's not my daughters fault that I chose to be in a relationship and she shouldnt have to be around someone she doesn't like or a person that is always frustrated with my daughter. How do I get my fiance to understand that we will probably not work out unless my daughter can get onboard too? Aren't our kids the top priority? I don't want to see my fiancé hurting all the time because I love her and I don't want to be with anyone else but if my daughter doesn't make her happy then why would she want to stay with me anyway?

uofarkchick's picture

If you truly love this woman, please send her here and pack up your child and leave. Your girlfriend deserves better than this. Please do her a favor and hit the road.

mymantra's picture

Get your daughter into counseling. The sooner you start the better. The longer you wait the more easily that little girl will learn how to not only manipulate you, but others around her.

oneoffour's picture

Are you for real?
OK assuming you are .... read my lips ... MAN-I-PUL-ATION.

Your daughter has no problem being there with you or being there with your long-term fiancee. In fact your daughter has no recollection of her parents being together, just you and your fiancee. So she is acting up because she gets EXACTLY what she wants. Your undivided attention.

Multiply this behaviour by 3 and you will get her behaviour when she is 15. And do you SERIOUSLY think any woman will put up with your daughter pouting and throwing tantrums and demanding she ONLY sit next to you because, well, after all, she IS your daughter.

The only way to stop this is the next time your 5 yr old daughter is hateful and mean and starts a scene you pick her up and say "STOP! You are not allowed to do this. It is extremely naughty so you are going to your room for the rest of the morning/night. No arguements. Now stay in your room until I tell you you may come out." Take her to her room. Shut the door and walk away. She will scream. Ignore. She will come out. Ignore and put her back there immediately. No speaking to her. Basically you are shunning her for a few hours. Then hug your fiancee and tell her this behavious is stopping tonight/ this morning.

See, you are letting a 5 yr old rule your life. Of course your daughter is a priority. But would you let her tantrums disrupt your worklife? would you tell your boss you cannot come into work because your 5 yr old is demanding you stay at home? Of course not. Our job as parents is to raise respectful, well behaved law abiding citizens. That is IT. And to allow your daughter to call the shots and destroy a 4 yr relationship ... well you are a pussy. Just that. When she throws a fit you leave the house WITH her and she gets exactly what she wants ... Daddy AAALLLLLL to herself }:)

And as your daughter is happy with your fiancee means this is all about attention seeking. She needs to learn the expectation is good behaviour most of the time. When a child is sick or tired of course they will be crabby and cry. But no rewarding. No cuddles for the poor snookums. It stops today. Because no woman who is worth sharing your life with will put up with that kind of crap for very long.

Gregrcoleman's picture

See that's the problem. I DO put her in her room until she acts rights. Then it's only a matter of minutes before she's at it again then back to the room. So I get to see her for 5 minutes while I walk her back and forth across the house to her room all day. She doesn't stop and I don't want to keep having visits that are all discipline. I get her every other Friday Saturday and Sunday. She will spend that whole time in her room if I take your advice or I have to get her out of the house or get my fiancé to leave the house. If she gets mad about the behavior I do t see why she s mad when I take my daughter out. I'm just giving my fiancé a break but she insists that I'm wrong again.

Aeron's picture

And what do you do when your daughter behaves so badly? Is she corrected or is she coddled? Cause if she knows being hateful is going to cause a fight and distance between you and your fiancé, well, then you're being played. If she's just fine with your fiancé when they're alone I doubt it's that she doesn't like and never has - it's that she knows she can cause upset and have power over the adults and run the house and run you.

You said it yourself, she does it when she wants attention. So snuff that and everyone's lives would probably be more pleasant. It's manipulation, not actual dislike.

Gregrcoleman's picture

It depends. If she is physical with someone then she gets spanked but if she is breaking stuff then she goes to her room. Same if she's just being angry and loud. What benefit does causing upset give her? Yes I take her out but she gets yelled at and sent to her room often.

Gregrcoleman's picture

I am asking for help! I understand what my fiancé wants me to do but I need her to understand that it's not easy. She doesn't have any kids and now she doesn't want to consider us having a child. I am done justifying myself I want to know how to make my fiancé understand that I will not yield when I comes to my daughter anymore and she doesn't need to take my relationship with my daughter so personal.

uofarkchick's picture

Dude, you have a wife already. Your fiancée is just the one you sleep with. You don't want help. You just want validation for your choices. You will truly be sparing this poor woman years of heartache by leaving. Do the kind thing and break it off

Gregrcoleman's picture

We had that talk already and she gets upset. She doesn't want to break up she wants me to change but I'm done trying to "fix my kid". Tell me why she wants to stay when she really just seems to want me and not my kid. How could anyone respect someone like that or want to change for someone who doesn't want their kid?

uofarkchick's picture

Oh gracious... Are you doing that guy thing where you won't break it off because you don't want to feel guilty? If you truly think your daughter will suffer irreversible harm because you have a partner, then just go already. I think you should grow a pair. You are leaving this woman in limbo until you finally piss her off enough to go. If you truly think that your poor snowflake is suffering, why not get back together with her mom? Then you don't have to feel guilty for her being a child divorce. You are throwing away happiness with what sounds like a sensible woman so why not just go all the way into hell and get back with the ex? Think of it like penance for daring to love and cherish another human being besides your daughter.

twoviewpoints's picture

You've got three forums rolling now. Proven whatever point you felt you must come by and try to make yet?

You're getting stale and going to run out of material soon. Could you just speed it up and cut more direct? These 'point making' drive buys get old real fast.

twoviewpoints's picture

Your daughter doesn't hate your fiancé, nor does she truly wish the fiancé dead. If your daughter honestly felt that way they wouldn't get along just fine when you were the absent person.

Your daughter is working you and you're going belly right up.

Prepare yourself for a long lonely next fifteen to twenty years if you let this child continue on as is. Time to pull on your big boy briefs and learn to parent. You managed to find your way here, I'm sure your capable of finding parenting resources also.

marriageplus2's picture

What is your daughter being told by her BM about you and your fiance? Is someone feeding ideas into her head that she is supposed to behave poorly while at your house?

Gregrcoleman's picture

I am convinced she is. We don't really speak unless we have to but she is a typical jealous b$&(? But my daughter won't say anything about it so I can't prove anything or say anything because there's no proof

Gregrcoleman's picture

Then I spend 99% of my time with my daughter chastising her and when do I get to have a relationship with her. She's been doing this almost the entire time I've been with my fiancé. When do I get to be a dad that plays and laughs if I have to always get on her about her comments and actions.

BethAnne's picture

You get to have the fun part of parenting after you have done the hard part of teaching your kid to respect adults and how to behave. Then you will have a child who had proper boundaries and feels comfortable and safe enough to not need to resort to naughty behavior to get your attention. Then you can have fun with a respectful and confident child who does not need reprimanding so often.