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Looking for opinions - Relatively new stepdad

NhDad's picture

Hi everyone. I was glad to find this forum dealing with the whole step parenting issue. I have struggled with a few things lately and it would be great to hear what others think.

My wife and I have been married for over a year but have been together for 3 years and lived together for 2. I have 3 kids from a previous marriage and she has 2. My ex has been a difficult person to deal with an always has when it comes to fostering a relationship for our kids but I have done my best to keep that drama away from my current wife the best I can. Not always successful but for the most part I keep her away from it.

My struggle comes with the way my wife has been handling things and at times I do feel crappy for thinking this way but I can't seem to help it lately. Sorry if I ramble a bit while I throw it all out there. She has 2 6 year old twins with her ex. When they got divorced they didnt want the kids to suffer so they agreed to Facetime each other every night so that they could say hi to the kids/goodnight to the kids. On the surface I can understand the benefits of this to the kids but it has gotten to the point where he is Facetiming during dinner or we are in the middle of something and she immediately answers because as she says she doesnt want to get him mad. On the other hand, when they are with him and she tries to call he doesn't answer half the time. She never says anything to him about that. I have asked that they schedule a time when they are with us to Facetime so it doesn't disrupt what is going on with us but she never really does that. I feel like a jerk sometimes for being irritated by that but it bothers me.

Another thing is that it their decree he is supposed to pay her $1200 a month in child support but he went to her and said that he didn't feel that he needed to do that because he has them half the time (he has them a day during the week and every other Friday and Saturday)and basically told her that he was only willing to give her $1200 every 3 months and she agreed! Again she said that she didnt want to get him mad because it would affect the kids. So I pay my ex the full monthly amount of CS and I'm also covering whatever isnt covered by my wife's ex for her kids. At least thats how I feel but it bothers me.

She also has a domineering mother that this past summer has basically decided what we were going to do with our summer vacation. I had plans for us to go away on a kid free weekend but her mother decided she wanted to take her kids camping and basically booked the trip without asking and my wife caved saying she didnt want to deal with her mother. So we went camping and the next week she planned something else on our time which was frustrating.

I don't want to paint a picture that it's all bad because there are alot of good things in our relationship but stuff like this bothers me. I feel like my opinion or our relationship doesn't matter at times and I dont like feeling that way. She has a habit of planning things without making me part of it and telling me after the fact so I look like a jerk if I say no. Advice would be appreciated. Am I being a jerk for feeling this way? If so please tell me. I'm just trying to sort through my feelings on all this stuff. There's more but the post is already long enough for now. Thanks for reading.

Acratopotes's picture

so many red flags...

1. what ever CS is decided between your wife and her Ex husband for their kids, has nothing to do with you, 50/50 to me say no CS, yet the guy still pays an amount over. Admirable of him. That CS is for their children not your house hold expenses, and Sir... n need for you to pay anything towards her children... stop funding them.

2. The amount of CS you pay your X and how you do it has nothing to do with DW, as long as she does not need to pick up the slack at your home, financially.

3. Your house hold expenses should be divided as follows, she pays 3/7 and you pay 4/7, it's fair.... and one person is not suppose to pay if the other person does not have the money.

You are not very clear who's the bread winner at your house, if your wife does not work she better get her CS back cause you are not going to pay for everything...

Then you are the man, not the mouse, simple say... Dinner time is 6-7 and we will not be answering any calls, is that clear, the person answering will be excused from the table without dinner... she can simply call back and tell her X - sorry we are having dinner between 6-7, and we do not like cold food.

NhDad's picture

I have never heard of this 3/7 4/7 thing? Where does that come from? We both work but I make more money so I cover the majority of the bills. I dont have a problem with that. And money is not the issue with her ex and CS. I don't want the money that's between them. It's the allowances she gives him. Basically lets him do whatever he wants. That's the part I dont like.

Acratopotes's picture

NhDad - you are 7 people in the house, 3/7 is for your DW and her 2 kids, 4/7 is for you and your 3 kids... thus 7/7

ratio division of people in the house.

You are picking up majority of the bills, for DW and her children and she decides to cancel her monthly CS... oh hell NO, you are not their bank, stop paying for her and her children, this way she can claim full CS again and support her and her children, you are not the ATM.

DW is still putting her Ex above you, by allowing him to do what ever he wants, she should get some balls and tell him, sorry ExH, this is CO and you can stay with it, I'm not going to change it. She should stop allowing her Ex to call the shots, they are not married anymore, she's married to you, thus you should come first.

And I'm not saying you want the money, all I'm saying - you should not be supporting her and her children and the ExH can do what ever he wants, You should worry about your children and their education one day

Redfisher's picture

Thats how I started with my kids and ex, facetime every night. Then I cut it down to 3 times a week and then 2 and now only once a week on the same day same time. We also do 50/50 7 days here 7 days at Ex's. Ask your wife if she could work on cutting it down like this. I find it works better as you have more to talk about with the kids rather then so little every night. Second she needs to stand firm on the money from the ex. He needs to pay what he has been ordered to...As for your issues with her you need to tell her what you told us and how such things make you feel. Good luck dude.

uofarkchick's picture

I find it interesting that she is worried about making him mad. What kind of repercussions does she face if she pisses him off? Did he ever abuse her? Does he threaten to take her back to court? Or does she still have feelings for him? I can understand not wanting to intentionally anger someone. I think most people don't wake up every morning and think, "Who can I piss off today? Woo hoo!" Asking someone to respect their family's dinnertime and to provide for their children is not being a jerk. So what is she scared of? That's the red flag to me.

NhDad's picture

I think I may have been confusing with the 50/50 thing. Her ex states that he has them 50/50 which is his reason for thinking that he doesn't need to pay CS. I agree though that if the court orders you to pay a certain amount it's not your place to argue with that. My ex makes 3 times more than me and I make good money. Guess what I still pay her child support and do it every month on time because the courts tell me I have to.

My wife doesn't like people being mad at her and that goes for her mother, ex and me as well. I guess on some level it makes sense to not want the people you love to be mad at you but I dont think this should extend to her ex any more. Especially since he uses it to his advantage. Maybe I'm wrong?

NhDad's picture

That's exactly how I feel and I have told her before but I think you're right about the bad habits as she listens to me but never really changes anything. I think someone else had asked why she is so afraid of her ex. There's really no reason. He's never hit her or anything like that and I have seen him mad before. He's more of the jump up and down type if he doesnt get his way. Nothing more.

Rags's picture

DANGER WILL ROBINSON.... DANGER!!!!! If you do not nip this crap in the bud immediately you are in for a married life of hell with this woman and her baggage and drama.

So, here is what I suggest as a solution....

1. Skype time is 8PM to 8:15. No other time. If BioDad does not answer... DW needs to inform him that he has to make the kids available at the same times she makes them available wihich is 8-815. YOU need to inforce this.

2. The NCP pays what he is ordered to pay in the Court Order... PERIOD!!!! DW immediately smacks him with a rolled up copy of the CO and nails him for failure to pay and for arrears.

3. DW needs clarity that she an do nothing to make her X mad. He chooses to be mad and she is no longer married to him and owes him shit for nothing. She needs to grow a set of lady balls and get assertive with this guy.

She needs to be ready to drag his ass back to court at a moments notice for any deviation from the CO.

Welcome by the way. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice and perspectives from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Damn girl, you're on fire.

OP, listen to this as it's a very good lesson in that you can give give give and the end result will still be the same. At least if you don't give give give, you'll have a bit more left for yourself when the inevitable end comes.

SugarSpice's picture

welcome to the forum.

this is a great place to ask, vent and learn.

being a step is one of the worst social situations you can find yourself in, but keep in mind everything has to do with your spouse and his/her treating you well and insisting his/her children do the same.

divorces occur because a parent will put their children ahead of their spouse. in a marriage, the spouse comes first whether that spouse is the natural parent of your children or not.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

So... she's a doormat that translated into a nice person--which was probably part of her charm at the beginning but now it's not so great when you have to bend to everyone around you because of her. You dislike the loss of control in your life and the fact that it seems she cares more about everyone else's feelings than yours.

The person she should be most worried about making mad is you, her husband, the person she actually lives with.

If she's an agreeable person, sit her down and talk to her about how you feel the need to establish some healthy boundaries, because as it is now, it's unhealthily affecting the way you feel about your marriage.

ldvilen's picture

Wow! This is so wrong in so many ways. Hate to say it, but what you are is married to someone else's wife.

This is your spouse. Would you put up with this from your spouse if she didn't have an ex-? Probably not. Most men I know of would not put up with another man calling their home at odd hours and his wife jumping up from the table to get the call. It doesn't matter if he is the children's father or not, or what agreement they made prior to you entering the picture. This whole thing is set up to make him look like husband #1 and you look like husband #2. Is that how you want to spend your life, being husband #2 and basically being a servant to your wife, her ex- and their children?

Bio-dad can have plenty of time with his children on his own turf. And, how dare your wife drag you into their mess. She and her ex- couldn't live together, split, and want to play games with their children that "nothing is wrong--see daddy and I are just fine--we will sing to you together every night until you are 80 years old." Meanwhile, what their kids are getting is that mommy and daddy are getting back together any day now, and that nasty servant-man that mommy hooked up with is all that is standing in the way. Your wife is setting you up big time. You are not alone, by any means. Many Many women have been set up by their husband and BM in the same way. Intentional or not, the affect is the same.

Time for a Coming to Jesus meeting with your wife. I had a somewhat similar situation happen with my DH just once (not going on multiple times), and MAN did I read him the riot act. Told him to his face I wasn't going put up with being married to someone else's husband. I saw a counselor too, a marriage counselor, and let my DH know about it, and let him know that if I couldn't sort through this, he was going to be attending sessions with me too. I managed to work things out with my DH, and am now somewhat disengaged from adult stepkids but feeling much better about this marriage being about my DH and me. Unless you are into polygamy, a marriage involves only two people.

peacemaker's picture

Sounds like she is living in a culture of emotional manipulation. "I don't want to make him mad"...and ( He knows it). (So does her mother by the way)...She needs to get some personal-growth counseling to learn the art of saying "no". If He gets mad...that is not hers to be concerned with. She is still catering to her ex husband. He knows what buttons to push. He will continue to manipulate her as long as she enables it. She is not strong enough right now to confront any of it on her own. So, trying to force her to stop caving in is not going to help matters.

She needs to discover her own self worth. She needs to individualize from her mother and her ex. She needs someone to help her with the empowerment needed to sustain her own personal respect level enough to stop letting everyone walk all over her. These issues you mentioned are just a symptom of something deeper inside of her that needs to be reconciled. If she continues to be a doormat for everyone "because she doesn't want to make anyone mad, Her children will catch on real quick when they become teens and this life pattern will continue.

This is her personal issue. First she needs to become aware that she has an issue, before she can begin the process of resolving it within. She needs to speak to an objective third party to get a good perspective. A life coach perhaps.

If you really care about this person (and it sounds like you do)...help her get set free from whatever is holding her hostage in thinking that other people are so much more important than her being respectful to her own personhood. Something inside of her is telling her she does not deserve consideration...that she is less than....Wherever that thought process came from...it needs to be exposed and she needs to learn the truth about her true identity...because if she knew who she really was, she would not buckle to someone else's anger issue as an excuse to surrender you marriage's quality of life. She would have healthy boundaries (which she does not)...and others would respect her (which they currently do not).

Now is an opportunity to "use the Pain" this is causing you both to initiate an effort to help her pursue freedom at her "core belief " level, that could have a profound effect on her becoming everything she was created to be. Be wise. If you come at her too harshly and try to "bully" her...she could perceive her life as being a damned if she does and damned if she does not situation. Approach her in love, with truth. Be assertive, but not too aggressive. Having a no tolerance for the fear that is holding your wife hostage is honorable, but "Putting the hammer down" and forcing her to have courage where she is lacking right now could backfire. She needs to get free from whatever is making her such a "people pleaser".... "It is God who conceals a matter, and for Kings to search it out....right now your wife needs you to be diligent in searching out what is the root cause that allows her to be emotionally bullied by people in her life.

When we love someone, sometimes we have to help them see the forest through the trees until they are comfortable walking through the woods on their own...Peace.

ldvilen's picture

Peacemaker, you give such wonderful advice, and usually I agree with you 100% on the advice you give. But, I think you are somewhat off on this. For one thing, what is DH to do while his wife takes the time to "find herself." This could take years. Is he supposed to just "suck it up and take it"?

Also, I'm not convinced that she goes running off to do her ex's bidding, simply because she doesn't want to make him mad. Clearly, like what has happened for so many of us, her spouse is at the bottom of the pile, after her ex- and mother, etc. I'm not saying this occurred intentionally. Usually it is not intentional that this occurs; but, the end result is the same--the spouse is expected to suck it up and take it, while everyone else's needs come first.

I'm speaking for myself here, but the reason why I was very confrontational with my DH on this issue (I was not going to be wife #2), was because I wanted to make it very clear to him that this needed to stop and needed to stop now. I did this because I loved him and didn't want our marriage to be at risk. I knew if I let it go and sucked it up and took it, I would begin to resent him more and more. And, my husband was a people-pleaser too. If I hadn't made it very clear to him where I stood, he would have just ignored it and let it go, because that would have been easier, and gone on with the same behavior--treating his ex- like wife #1 and me like #2.

But, I do agree counseling is a great idea, individually and/or together. I only wound up going to counseling myself, because I brought some of the information home to my DH that the counselor told me, and my DH was willing to hear what I had to say and work with me on this at home.

peacemaker's picture

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NhDad's picture

Hey everyone. I appreciate all of the responses and can relate to alot of things said in this thread especially the damned if I do damned if I don't idea when it comes to my wife. She actually uses this phrase when I bring up my feelings on how I feel she puts her ex and others before our marriage at times.

We actually got into a big argument this weekend that started as one thing and morphed into all of the stuff I have discussed here. Every other weekend we have all 5 of our kids with us and most of the time my wife finds that very stressful. She tends to get upset rather quickly when we are out with the younger kids and they are horsing around and not listening. She continues to get more upset when she yells and they just look at her and keep doing it. She then usually asks me to step in and say something when I'm usually driving the car so I tell them all to behave but I don't do it in a heightened yelling fashion like she does so she thinks Im not listening to her. Then she will say something directed at me that I feel is unfair and that gets the ball rolling Smile

Any way we ended up discussing how I have been more hands off with things lately and she is right I have. I think it's alot of frustration on how things are right now but I have founded it easier to check out of the things involving her ex and kids so I wont be judged for dealing or not dealing with it in the wrong way. At least that's how I feel. I'm considered the strict parent in our family and I think that it's needed. When the kids are doing something wrong and I say one more time and this will happen, etc. I mean it and follow through with it. She is more of the say it 20 times type and occasionally follow through.

Also, I have participated less in her kids extracurricular activities lately too. They are both learning to skate and she signed them up for it with her ex. I found out after everything was set up but fine I can understand that on some level. Now the whole family goes to these lessons every week including my wife even on days we don't have them. I don't and they have already started talking about it. What's wrong with him? What's going on? It can get aggravating.

2Tired4Drama's picture

Do you mean that your wife, her ex and their kids are now doing a "family" activity every week - and you are not included??? And this was set up without any consultation with you?

I think that's another, very blatant, example that you are as others have described: You are the back-burner boy in this threesome. And a threesome it is.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Oh, please. She's interfering with Dad's time. Let him take them skating on Dad's days, The End.

If she wanted to spend so much time with this man she had no business divorcing him. I would lose my mind over this. Believe me, Ex's new woman will get real sick of it real fast,, too.

The first full day we were married I had to make a very clear statement to my dh: "You do not have two wives. Pick now."

Some of these divorced parents have old patterns that they think the new person is just supposed to wedge themselves into sideways.

Uh unh. You are a full fledged human who is entitled to %100 of his humanity and spousaltude. You don't shrink down to %30 cuz she's reserved so much of herself for someone else. Furthermore, she's pulling the old trick that kids can't be without mom for 10 minutes and dad is not a "real" parent. She needs to back off for her kids sake as well as yours.

NhDad's picture

No they don't really do family things together. Her two kids are in skating lessons one day a week and both of them show up to the lessons. I have been asked to go but I usually have work or when I don't just dont want to be hanging out with the two of them in that setting.

ldvilen's picture

And, they are all acting like you are the one with the problem!? Also, if you are the tough discipliner with her children and she is expecting you to take on this role, in the future the step-kids will come to see you as A#$%@ step-dad and mom as the sweet suffering one. Wow! This woman sure is having her cake and your cake and eating it too. She's got two men toting along with her and is able to just love her children while someone else disciplines them.

I'm going to post something I found on a different website. “You know, the more research and blogs I go on regarding the topic of being a step-parent (to children of divorce), the more I think Dr. Laura was right. Dr. Laura said that divorced parents should not remarry (nor even really date) until their children are out of the home. Seems like two people can’t stand each other, get divorced, and the ones to pay the heaviest prices are their children and the people they go on to remarry. Very selfish of these divorced parents, in some ways I think.

Just seems to me that whomever the divorced parent remarries or gets involved with, winds up paying a high price for someone else’s divorce. When you marry someone, you are to be connected at the hip, so to speak. Sometimes this works where the step-children recognize dad or mom’s new spouse. But, usually the step-mom or -dad, winds up a) having much responsibility for these children with no recognized authority, and b) becoming the scapegoat simply because it is much easier to go after step-mom or -dad, a non-relative than going after a relative, blood.”

And, now I'm going to post something I found on a different forum here: “I ask this a lot: What are YOU getting out of the relationship? Can you see yourself living like this for another 10, 20 plus more years?”

You really need to think about all of this. AND, anyone in this type of situation really needs to think about this. Many, but not all, divorced parents really are selfish, whether they realize it or not, and it is not uncommon for some to think the people they go on to remarry are to put up with ALL of THEIR issues and suck it up and take it. This may not be intentional, but it doesn't matter--you are the one left paying the price for someone else's failed marriage or relationship. If you don’t LOOK OUT FOR YOURSELF in these kinds of situations, no one else will.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Lotta good advice here and different approaches. I would just add a couple ideas.

Yes, she definitely needs an object lesson in who's moods and affections she needs to be prioritizing.

You have already asked her to be respectful of the family she lives with, she hasn't done it. Next time Ex calls in the middle of dinner, family playing Candyland, Saturday at the Church garden, you gather up your kids and leave. It's ice cream and arcade time for your kids! Do NOT return for several hours.

If your kids are not there, gather up your own self and go bowling or hang out at the electronics store or whatever personal indulgence you would enjoy and make you happy. Do not return for several hours.

Whenever she interrupts the family schedule to dance to ex's tune, YOU disrupt HER view of how things are supposed to go. And make yourself/kids happy in the process. Then when you come home you'll be cheerful, relaxed. Let her be the one to be annoyed and tense. It's of her own doing. Not your problem any more.

Hopefully, she will figure things out. If not, you will still be happier than you are now.