cold feet

yolo222's picture

I've been reading all of your posts for a while now and have decided to post here and get some advise/opinions regarding my situation. I'm living with and engaged to a wonderful man. We have been together for 4 years. He has two boys, age 5 and 9. We do not have a wedding date yet.

Lately I've been feeling very much like an outsider in my own home. I'm feeling jealous of the kids/ ex wife. How much they suck up my DH's (using DH for now even though we are only engaged) time, funds etc. I love him and the kids very much but there is a lot of me feeling like I don't belong there. Like there is no place for me. I'm just kind of watching this other family interact and I'm just there but I don't belong.

I have no decision making ability about when the kids come and go, discipline, (the ex and him determine rules etc..... for both homes) when we can take vacations, whats for dinner.... (oh the kids don't want this or that). He even mentioned bringing the kids on our honey moon. Which is not okay with me. He is a good Dad, but I'm so sick of hearing about how much he loves his kids over and over. He is still very upset that he can't see his kids every single day because of his divorce. (although they are going back and forth every day or two anyway.)

I'm feel like I'm being very petty here with my feelings and I love this man and the kids so much but these are not my kids and I feel like I will always be on the outskirts of this family. I have no control over what happens in my home and when.

Have I talked to him.. yes i have and he is very defensive when I bring up anything about these issues. He says I should not be telling him and his ex how to deal with their kids... He wants to keep discipline the same in our house and the exes house.. ok so i have zero control over anything in my own home as of now.

Advice on how to deal with this? How do all of you handle it.?

My other question is that I've been reading a lot on this website .. are there any step parents that are actually happy out there and who are GLAD they married their spouses...? Please tell me that there are and that things can be good and will get better...???!!!

Rags's picture

Is a man who puts his kids and X over his equity life partner, excludes his equity life partner from key decisions that effect her life and wants to pollute his honeymoon with his new bride with the presence of h is prior relationship spawn really all that wonderful?

You have some thinkin to do.

As equity life partners you and FDH prioritize each other and your relationship over everything and everyone else. Kids are the top marital responsibility but never do they or X's, work, etc... take priority over the spouse or the marriage. If Mr. Wonderful is pulling this crap now... what is the liklihood that he will step up and actually prioritize you in the future? I would say the odds are slim and none leaning heavility toward the none option. I am not convinced that he is all that wonderful.

I cringe every time someone gushes over how wonderful their FDH/DH or FDW/DW is then proceeds to tell of how the wonderful person marginalizes their life partner in preference to Xs and kids.

That is far fromn wonderful.

So, you have some thinkin to do. Do you want to marry Mr. Wonderful and eternally relegate yourself and your marriage to no better than second place behind his X and his prior relationship spawn?

Good luck.

yolo222's picture

Thank you for the comment. I know deep down you are right! These feelings I have I can't ignore. Do any of u step parents feel glad that u did get married etc. ??

CANYOUHELP's picture

The only women who are 100% happy, have fully supportive spouses who make them and their feelings #1 priority. The husband does treat them as an equal partner when making decisions.

Read the posts, not many of us can say we honestly have this..

If it is bad now, it will only get worse over time.

Rags's picture

I have no regret that I married my bride and raised my SS-24 as my own. We met when SS was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. He asked me to adopt him last year and we made that happen.

The success factors are not complex and others have already mentioned them. Prioritizing the relationship over all else. Supporting each other and having the backs of the Sparent in the mix. Discuss and set boundaries of acceptable behavior for all of the kids in your home.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Because we were for the most part aligned on parenting, etc... our blended family struggles were with keeping the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan under control and minimizing their adverse impact on our son and on our family. My bride and I made a very effective team in addressing SpermClan issues.

If your FDH will engage with you in an equity life partnership then together you have a chance to succeed as a blended famil married couple. If he won't engage then I would adivse you to find a partner who will.

Preferably one who does not have prior relationship baggage.

a better life's picture

Agreed,I am very happy overall with my spouse but he does put me first and the kids don't run the roost around here. Kids are greatly loved and cared for but neither they and certainly not x's are in charge.

yolo222's picture

Outlaw
Thank u for the reply. So your DH keeps you in the loop on all decisions and you all discuss? I assume you are one of the happy step parents. Lol

yolo222's picture

Outlaw
Thank u for the reply. So your DH keeps you in the loop on all decisions and you all discuss? I assume you are one of the happy step parents. Lol

notsobad's picture

This is how it will always be.
He is telling and showing you who he is and how he lives, believe him.

"oh the kids don't want this or that"
"He even mentioned bringing the kids on our honey moon."
"He is still very upset that he can't see his kids every single day"
"He says I should not be telling him and his ex how to deal with their kids."

And most importantly
"he is very defensive when I bring up anything about these issues"

You have to realize that none of this is going to change. He doesn't want to change, it's been 4 years if he wanted a change it would have happened.

You can talk to him, you can go to counselling, you can beg and plead and threaten but NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE. Just read through a few of these threads, you will see the exact same story told over and over ad nauseam.

You have to decide if this is the life you want for yourself.
There are lots of women on here who've said if they'd know what life held for them they never would have married their husbands. There is a reason most posts like this are answered with RUN, RUN NOW!

Yes, there are step parents who are very happily married but the person they married was open to change and communicated with their partner. They were willing to put their partner, not their kids or BM, first. They listened to their partner when there were problems and together they fixed them. They supported their partner, even if it upset the skids or BM or parents.

yolo222's picture

Thank you so much for the reply. I'm beginning to realize things will never change. I just wish he could see things through my eyes but he will not

notsobad's picture

"I just wish he could see things through my eyes"

I would bet that he wishes you could do the same. Everyone thinks that they are right, that if only the other person could see things the way I do they would understand and change.

The thing is he's never going to see things your way and you are never going to see things his way.

You have to decide if you can live with the way thing are. Imagine nothing changing, can you keep living like this?

a better life's picture

I'm very glad I married my spouse. I am not a full time custodial sp. There have been some issues with the skids but nothing huge or that causes me much trouble on a day to day basis. Pretty much if something bothers me I try not to give it much headspace.

notasm3's picture

My life with my DH is really great. But we are older. SS30 (extremely troubled) was an adult when I met DH. DH had evicted SS with police escort for being violent about a year before I met DH.

DH loves his son very much. And so hopes that "this time" things will be different whenever SS gets a new job or GF (who he sponges off of).

I am okay with being civil to SS when he is "acting right" - which is always temporary for him.

But what works for me is the absolute certainty that I have total control over my life. I could live without my DH. DH would pick me to maintain his quality of life in a second over his worthless POS son.

It's a totally different situation with small children. I could not have handled that.

Acratopotes's picture

Hon... this will never end, love is not the only thing that keeps a relationship together,
Your BF is upset cause he can't see his kids 24/7 - then he never should've divorced..... he wants his kids to go on honeymoon with you? That alone tells me you are not important to him, he doe snot want to be alone thus he strings you along...

Be honest with your self, when it's only the 2 off you every thing is peachy and as soon as the skids arrive you are on the back burner..... he does not love you the way you love him.... do yourself a favor and write down all the pro's and cons, but be honest, your con list will be very long compared to the pro's list... thus start thinking about exiting... and if you do not want to exit, post pone the marriage for at least 10 years....

uofarkchick's picture

I think I wuv you.... Where were you ten years ago? I wish someone had been smart enough to give me this advice.

MineAndYours's picture

I would seriously be concerned about him not putting you and your feelings first. As his future wife, the person he is to spend the rest of his life with...YOU should be first.

That is not saying that his kids aren't important and that he shouldn't make them a priority. It's all about balance.

If you are the kind of woman that wants to help him raise his kids and be there for them and him he should recognize that. There should be a game plan between the two of you on how to handle things and boundaries set into place regarding the BM. You need to have some sort of schedule that allows family time with the SKs and time for just you and him. BUT no matter what...you both have to be on the same page. IF not you will be in for a long rough ride....given the skids young age.

I think you need to do some thinking and find out what you want out of your relationship. What you can compromise on and what you can't. Write it down..it helps you keep things straight in your head and also helps you to explain why you feel this way. THEN go to your DH. If he acknowledges your feelings and works with you to make it all work then things should be better. IF NOT...well that's an answer it itself.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

Are you young and in the age bracket where you have a darn good chance of meeting someone without an ex wife and kids??? If you are, then yes I'd cut and run and find someone else!

yolo222's picture

noo.. I'm not young.. I'm 46. What is your advise now that you know my age. I feel like this is my last chance to have a life with someone.

notsobad's picture

So how old is he? His kids are 5 and 9, that is very young, you'll be dealing with children and teens into your 60's!

What happened to his marriage? He obviously left soon after the youngest was born, I'm not implying that you had anything to do with his marriage break up. Just that you've been with him for 4 years.
I'm curious if he's an older man who had children later in life and having children was more important that the woman he had them with.

There are lots of men out there who have adult children who are self sufficient and respectful, both the man and the children.
At 46 you are in a better position to meet a mans adult children early in the relationship and let it be known that while you respect his relationship with his kids, you are interested in a life partner who isn't at the beck and call of his children.

hereiam's picture

It sounds like he should just be concentrating on being a dad for now, since that seems to be what he wants to concentrate on. It's not fair to bring someone else (you) into his life, when his life revolves around his kids. There needs to be a balance if he wants a relationship that's going to work.

My husband has always loved his daughter (now 25), she was a daddy's girl and went everywhere with him when he was married to BM. When they split, he was realistic. He knew he wasn't going to see her everyday, he knew things were going to be different. He would have NEVER suggested his daughter accompany us on our honeymoon!

I have never felt like an outsider when it comes to my husband and his daughter and certainly not when it comes to his ex. I had just as much say what went on in our home concerning my SD as he did, BM had NO say what went on in our home.

He is a good Dad, but I'm so sick of hearing about how much he loves his kids over and over. He is still very upset that he can't see his kids every single day because of his divorce.
he is very defensive when I bring up anything about these issues.

Honestly, it sounds like he's not quite ready to move on.

uofarkchick's picture

I ask this in all seriousness.... What is your role in this household? You can't have an opinion about his kids. You can't have even an ounce of control over his kids. You can't interfere with his relationship with his ex wife. You can't even go on a honeymoon with your husband. So where do you fit in? It sounds like you are basically a maid, tenant, and a concubine. If you are feeling like any one of those three things, he doesn't deserve you. Women have intuition for a reason. Listen to your gut on this one.

yolo222's picture

Thanks for the comments. that's the problem. I don't have a place here. He won't let me have one. I have some serious thinking to do. It feels like he has not moved on from his past life. At my age though it would be impossible to find someone without children.

uofarkchick's picture

I'm sorry if this is intrusive but what age range are you in? I'm in my mid 30s so I understand that it's hard to find someone without kids. So I've kind of made up my mind that I'm not dating until I find a guy without kids or one that has a similar parenting style. If I end up alone for the next 18 years, then so be it. Better alone than unhappy. But what I can tell you is that there are so many men of every age out there with no children that would love to find a woman with no children.

yolo222's picture

Well your comment made me laugh at least! I'm taking all of your comments to heart. I'm having a really difficult time right now. Yes.. we live together, but I have my own money.

yolo222's picture

Thanks.. that's the thing I have talked to him about many things regarding the kids etc. But I'm told over and over that it's really not up to me what happens because the kids are their kids not our kids. I don't see it that way. If I were to marry him I would treat these kids as my own.. while they are in my home of course.

furkidsforme's picture

If you can't talk to him about:

How to be equal partners
What the rules of the house will be
Balancing your opinions on child rearing/discipline....

How much of a "relationship" do you REALLY think you have?

You Don't. If you can't talk to the man who is planning on being your life partner about this simple stuff, why are you planning on making him your life partner????