Defiant 20sd
I am very new to this board...this is my first time posting. I think I should have found this forum a long time ago!
I have been battling with my defiant/stubborn sd for years now. It has only gotten worse since she hit 18. She now thinks that since she is an adult, she can do things her way. Yes I agree to a point. She is an adult, so she should be able to make her own decisions. But I am NOT allowed to tell her what to do AT ALL. She has not directly said this but she makes it very clear. She is currently living in my house with my DH while she attends school. I have asked her numerous times to clean up her room, clean the bathroom, do the dishes. She does nothing. DH told her when she moved back into our house that she needed to clean her room and bathroom every week. This stuck for a few weeks but nothing since. She does clean the bathroom once in a while but does a crappy job. I feel like I cant even talk to her anymore because if I even hint at her doing something, she has a rude comment back to me. She basically tells ME how it's going to be. I just dont know how to handle it anymore. DH only half deals with her. I think he is stressed by her being a lazy slob but won't do anything about it. I think he's also stressed about the way her and I butt heads but says it's up me to talk to her and get things figured out. This is something I cannot do. You cannot have a constructive conversation with her because she will argue back. I am just fed up.
No, she doesnt pay rent. Her
No, she doesnt pay rent. Her father made it very clear to her that he will support her while she is going to school. She has a full time job. She just bought herself a car, so she'll be making those car payments. But that is all she pays for. We pay everything else. I understand my house my rules but DH never enforced that growing up. I have been in her life since she was 4. I have never felt like I was a parent to her. DH wanted me to love her like a parent....but that's the only thing I was ever allowed to do...do the nice stuff. Not allowed to punish her, etc. He never directly said that, but any time she got in trouble, I always told him how I think she should be punished but he never punished her. I felt like he never backed me up on anything. So of course this follows through into adulthood. She's living in my house but knows that what I say doesnt go. What she says goes. Let's remember...she's an adult now!! She can make her own decisions and do what she wants (this is something she has also told him). My thought is that if she is such an adult then she needs to move out on her own. But daddy wont allow that if he's paying for her schooling.
Tell her and him both to
Tell her and him both to clean her crap up or they can both get out.
She's an adult now. Doesn't
She's an adult now. Doesn't matter if DH never enforced rules before. Its your house and you have a say. You shouldn't have to suffer in silence. Kick her out. If DH wants to support her, have him pay for her apartment or rent her a room somewhere else.
Rule #1 for life - NEVER live
Rule #1 for life - NEVER live with an adult ahole.
Welcome, I hope you find this
Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some good advice and perscpctive from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
Tell her once. "Clean". If she does not do it immediately, completely, and to YOUR standards do not say another word. The next time she leaves the house for class have a locksmith pre-scheduled to rekey the locks, put her stuff on the lawn, and post a note on the door that says.... "You were repeatedly told to clean. You chose not to. Please call your dad with your new address when you have one. I am sure he will want to know where you are and that you are okay. The next time you are given a reasonable task by an authority figure I suggest you do it, do it quickly, and do it well. You have until garbage day to remove your belongings from the lawn or they will be picked up with the trash. Good luck in school. Buh-bye."
Let DH know that she is not welcome in your home until she learns that even as an "adult" she has responsibilities and must comply with basic standards of behavior.
Tolerating this situation solves nothing. Take action.
Good luck.
^^^THIS!^^^ You are doing
^^^THIS!^^^ You are doing yourself a big disfavor by allowing her behavior to go on. Do not spend another penny on her care. Give DH the choice of giving her house rules or you giving house rules. Give her one warning and tell her it is the last. If she starts arguing with you tell her to leave - immediately. You deserve to be respected in your own home.
Typical teen behavior. 18 is
Typical teen behavior. 18 is still a teen. Choose your battles wisely. Close the door to her room and be at peace. She will be gone soon or in a few years.
Disengage, and then tell DH
Disengage, and then tell DH if he doe snot get his daughter to step up to the agreement they both can find alternative accommodation.
Either she starts pulling her weight and help around the house or she's out, take back control of your house...
if she tells you what to do, laugh like a witch and say... Little girl last time I checked my name was on the deed not yours, thus this is my house and not yours, my rules and I decide what to do not you... if you do not like it move... now get going and clean your dishes....
It's a tough call on what to
It's a tough call on what to do. And it all depends on how far you wish to take this..the end result is either DH and his kids leaving or you leaving.
If he refuses to back you up what are your choices?
It's your home...you deserve to be at peace...end of story. If she refuses to clean the bathroom, put a lock on the door. Or remove the toilet paper and whatever else you provide until it's clean. Anything belonging to her left in there goes in the garbage. Same for the kitchen...lock up or remove what you can. Throw out anything belonging to her.
Give her an inspection day for her room. Say every Saturday...whatever is left on the floor on inspection day goes in the garbage.
You need to get DH on board with you. If not then things will only get worse. Be prepared to stand up for yourself in the worse case scenario.
Good Luck!
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for everyone's responses. I would LOVE to go with everyone's suggestions of kicking her out. Trust me...I have thought about the idea every time she is rude to me. But that's not an option. Im sure she would love to leave but DH wouldn't allow it. I know, I know, very terrible of him to baby her. But he is terrified that she won't finish school if she is on her own. He is basically making her go to school. Funny how she claims she is an adult and does what she wants but allows her father to make her go to school. He is fed up with her laziness as well. But he does what I probably should do...close her bedroom door and forget about it. I did speak to him last night and he said to just quit talking to her. He said she is just like her mom. I said hows that. He said "mouthy and rude". I know that he needs to deal with it instead of letting her keep going on like this but I think he has partially disengaged. Probably the reason I have felt the need to be the one to tell her to clean her room, etc...because I know he wont. But as much as I'd LOVE to kick her out, it's just not an option. So I guess I will take his advice and quit talking to her (not completely...just about shit that'll piss me off) cause she has learned from her mother that you dont take shit from people and you are rude and mouthy back to them. I know I should feel comfortable in my own house, so I will try to disengage as much as I can. I cannot wait until the day she graduates and she gets the F out of my house!!!!
What stops you from kicking
What stops you from kicking them both out... if it's your house....
and if it's his house, you simply leave..
I guess knowing she'll be
I guess knowing she'll be gone once she graduates is keeping me from kicking her out. I'm too nice. That's the biggest hurdle that's keeping me from doing anything
I know right now she cant
I know right now she cant stand living there. She had her taste of living on her own for a couple of months and I knew she loved it. She is only living there because DH said he'll pay for her tuition only if she is living in our house. Sounds stupid but that's the logic I guess. If it were up to her, she wouldnt have gone to college at all and would have a mediocre job, probably knocked up by now. But DH wanted to make sure she had an education under her belt before she went off into the real world. So my fingers are crossed that she gets the F out of my house as soon as she graduates. But of course I have hopes for a lot of things (that she'd respect me as a parent, that she'd do as I've asked....none of which have happened....)
Even if you agreed to
Even if you agreed to this....
You know what the graduation date should be.... give her notice that she should be out of he house a week after that date, and then keep your word, if DH does not like it he can move with her
This will drive you crazy,
This will drive you crazy, but; I would completely ignore her. Let her live in her room like a pig. Go about your daily schedule as if she wasn't even in the house. Get a laundry basket, or some type of "attractive" container and put all the things she leaves laying around in it and set it at her bedroom door. Don't even look in her bedroom or bath.
Does SD20 cook? Don't cook or clean for her. Does she have her own bathroom? Don't clean it for her. If you have guests, direct them to your bathroom for use. Shut the door to SD's bathroom and bedroom. Stay completely out of her territory and go ahead and keep the dishes and area cleaned that you and DH live in.
Now comes the most difficult: Be civil and ignore the whole game she is playing. Let her be an adult and reap what she sews. Don't say anything to DH or SD20. SD is pushing your buttons and acting passive aggressive.
After SD has completed school and moved out, hire it painted and cleaned and hand the bill to your DH, without a word or fight.
I would keep busy and stay out of her space. If she comes into your space, or says anything to you, walk away very promptly; let her know through actions, you will not play these games.
How much longer before she's finished with school? Hope you can figure a way to get past this. I can't imagine having to put up with this; but it causes too much fight to let it get into your head.
}:)
I have been told to do this
I have been told to do this by a few people. My mother is the one I go to vent to most of the time and she has said over many years of me venting to just close her door. SO hard to do. Maybe it's partially a control thing with me. Who knows. Maybe I just for ONCE want to feel like she is listening to me and respecting that I am a parent figure in the house. She has no problem coming to me asking for things....buying her shampoo and things for lunch. Asking for advice. But when the tables are turned and Im asking her to do something, its' completely different. I have been told by many people that I am too nice. I am too nice to kick anyone out of the house. I am too nice to put my foot down.
She graduates in 2018. So I have about a year and a half of putting up with this. Luckily she really isnt there that often. She spends most of her free time with her boyfriend. The only issue I have is when she has the day off of school and the day off of work and lays in her room doing nothing.
OMG...she throws it in your
OMG...she throws it in your face that she's an adult and then comes to you asking for you to buy her shampoo and food? Ugh...
My now exH had this idea that
My now exH had this idea that his children did not have to have chores (i.e. clean up after themselves) while they were under 18 because they were still children. As the younger SD turned 18, I told him there are now 3 adults living in this house. She is expected to clean up after herself the same as the other adults in this house. I was abiding by the rules he put in place. Now of course his precious angel had no intention of cleaning up after herself. He asked what was going to be the result if she didn't abide by the rules. I said she has to get out.
He now goes around telling everyone who will listen to him I threw his daughter out. In therapy (when we were going), I called him out on it. His response: Well, you set up rules she would never follow, so you in affect kicked her out.
When SD moved back into our
When SD moved back into our house (she did live about 30 min away during her first quarter of school), I told her that since she is an adult, she is expected to help around the house without being asked. We had a huge headbutting incident earlier this year because I tried setting specific days when she would do the dishes and when my daughter (13) would do the dishes. I was just tired of constantly asking people to do the dishes, so I figured if I had a schedule it'd work out great. Nope. SD was too busy to do the dishes. Got into a huge texting war, saying how she has SO much on her plate and then she had the audacity to compare herself to her friggin sister. I said are you seriously going to compare yourself to your sister who is 6 years younger than you? I said you have absolutely no idea the chores I give your sister to do. I said all Im asking is that you do the dishes on a certain day so that I dont have to constantly be asking for them to get done. I said it takes 5 minutes....FIVE minutes!!! But her being defiant and stubborn, she came back and said that she doesnt have time. SMH