Overseas Dilema
I'm new to this forum and looking for help/advice from fellow Step parents/parents.
I am a Step Mum to 3 beautiful girls. I have been in their life for over 4 years and built a wonderful relationship with them. They live with myself and my partner 50 percent of the time so have meaningful relationships with all parties involved.
One of our greatest wishes is to take the girls to Disneyland while they are still young enough to see the magic but old enough to remember it and enjoy most rides. They are currently 5,9,11. We would be looking at taking them in 1-2 years time.
Unfortunately this is the dilemma. We would need their mothers permission to get passports and enable us to go away. This is where we would encounter a problem. The relationship between my partner and his ex has been rocky to say the least. We've been through the mill with accusations, limited access, etc etc however things seem to have been smoothed out some what of late.
I feel just because the girls have separated parents they shouldn't miss out on the joys of family holidays that their peers enjoy just because they have separated parents.
Am I crazy in thinking/suggesting that she should be invited along? Obviously she would need to pay for her own flights and accommodation. We would pay for the girls flights and accommodation and then we could alternate taking the girls sightseeing/Disneyland etc? I feel crazy for even suggesting it given what she has never been able to put the girls needs over her own however I feel that it's not something she should miss out on. Is it crazy to put my own needs aside for what I think the girls would enjoy more? I feel it would teach the girls a valuable lesson and show them the adults do in fact get along and I also think it is a memory they would cherish forever and love the fact they were able to share it with all parties.
Or should I just put it in the top hard basket and pray that she would allow us to take them without a lengthy court process?
Am I crazy and this is all just a fairytale fantasy?
Please help!!
you are totally out of your
you are totally out of your mind inviting the ex wife along..... what are you thinking?
Then remember these are not your daughters, they have a mother and what ever she says will go, you have no say in it what so ever.
You plan this in 1-2 years time, if BM says NO then it will be NO, it's between her and your husband to resolve the issue, you have nothing to do with it. If you start interfering she will just be more NO,
I suggest you disengage from the BM, have no contact with her, and do not try and play mummy to her children, she will calm down then, but the more you think you can be mum the more damage you actually do.
You can go the evil way and start instigating the girl to get mouthy with her and ask their mother if they could go, if she says NO she's the bad guy, thus she might let them not to be the bad guy
Wow ok.. Thanks for you input
Wow ok.. Thanks for you input however you couldn't be more from the truth. For starters I'm not playing "mummy" as you suggest and I've never once tried to be their mother I've only ever tried to be a role model for them and that's all I will ever remain. Secondly I do not have contact with her and have not once suggested I have. My partner does all the communicating. Not really sure how any of your advice is helpful I would never involve the girls in a decision and made them ask their mother. Please if you don't have anything useful to say just just please don't.
Relax lady - your whole post
Relax lady - your whole post indicated that you are very involved with the girls... and there's nothing wrong with it,
not all skids are evil and misbehaving, but ever thought about how BM sees this?
BM might feel threatened and if you have nothing to do with her then good.
If you truly treat your girls like a Aunt would do and not a parent, then you are way better off then most woman here..
it's human, more female, instinct to have motherly feelings of any child you share a house with.... and this upsets the real mother, she's not over the fact that her Ex is having a good life with some one else, hence her attitude and behavior...
If it's 50/50 you can always visit Disney when you have them for the holiday, then never tell BM, keep it as a surprise and as soon as you have the kids inform her you are going to Disney.... but you can only do this if the CO indicates that DH can do on his holidays what ever, if the CO states he may not leave town while he has the kids then nothing will change this, maybe he should then start going back to court to change this
Inviting mom on your
Inviting mom on your vacation is a crazy idea. You're kidding yourself if you think she going to allow you to dictate how she spends her vacation. She may agree to your idea of having the girls spend time with each parent before hand, but that may go out the window when you get there.
She will either decide to hang out with you all the whole time or simply keep the girls away from you the whole time.
Kids do not HAVE to go to Disney. Kids do not have to do everything their peers are doing. Kids can have life long memories of family vacations without Disney.
I am a huge Disney fan. I never went to Disney World as a child. The first time I went I was an adult with a child of my own. I get why you want to take them, but it may not happen and that is perfectly fine.
God bless you for being able
God bless you for being able to want to ask a bm on vacation with u and your family!!! You seem like a very sweet lady with good intentions. From my perspective I would not be okay with having a bm invoked in a family vacation. do u think u could actually have an enjoyable vacation. With the ex wife around. And how could u??? Honestly I would love to hear your response as I am a believer and keeping bm out of my affairs in general and our bm is not even high conflict. It's a matter of having my own life with my SO. Having some privacy. And being a family unit without the bm. Please enlighten me on how u would be okay with bm with u on vacation. ???
I'm not being sarcastic here. I would love to hear your response as u are a better person than I am.
i almost feel like I should
i almost feel like I should never have posted this.
It's curious to me how people would rather pick apart a post than to offer helpful advice. I'm not sure how I once said that I associate taking children to Disneyland as them feeling loved. Nor did I imply it. I don't believe that about Disneyland for a second. I do however think that children of seperated parents should miss out on overseas holidays because of their family situation. More so a mother (or a father) not letting children go out of spite.
I'm unsure where the majority of users of this site come from. However in Australia there are certain rules to taking a child over seas and obtaining a passport for them.
I'm not saying I live in some fairy tale land however for all the flaws both myself and their mother have neither one of us is as spiteful to exclude the other. It amazes me that so many people have such negative strong opinions that they have concluded themselves with little to no information.
My partner and I are a team and it is not me doing the "organising and planning" it is the both of us. Something he would then take to the girls mother and try and come to an agreement.
I've never tried to be the parent or a mother. I do not need a label nor want one. However I am not a disposable in their life and they know that and I trust in the relationship I have built with them.
I think the girls need more credit as does their mother. No matter how much it pains me to say it. It would be nice if everyone could just be adults about it and put children's needs above their own.
Ah so you are not in
Ah so you are not in America.... you should've said so Hon..... we do not always read the bio before we reply
it's good to give a little update...
Now that changes everything for picking up and going and that's why we gave the advice we did.
If BM says NO... then way not just postpone the holiday till the girls are 21... or 18 depending on your laws,
over here in my country - 16 year old's can get passports without parental consent....
And Hon... you seem like a soft soul, toughen up a bit, we are trying to give you advice, if it's not applicable then do not use it....
And I do get what you want from blended life, but being in blended life almost 12 years, taught me.. what I want and dream of is far far from reality.. BM is the fly in the ointment
and this helps OP how..... yo
and this helps OP how..... yo attacking me.....
OP also asked for constructive advice not snotty comments like this
I sense more a 'bribe'
I sense more a 'bribe' attempt in inviting BM along, rather than a genuine desire to let BM share the joy of Disney with the kids... but even with that in mind I don't think you've really thought this through very well. Meh, whatever. Isn't going to work anyway, she's not going to pay for the 'privilege' of vacationing with you and her ex.
If your serious, you pay her flight and accommodations. However, once you arrive for this 'dream family vacation' all together, you'll regret and resent every second of it. Best use your cash for your chances in court.
This is a horrible
This is a horrible idea.
You've already stated that the BM is high conflict. Do you really think taking her on your vacation is going to be magical?
Your husband needs to start talking to her about getting the kids passports, or petition the courts, or whatever but this is a very bad precedent to set.
I live an hour and a half
I live an hour and a half from Disney World. We go a lot. Yes, it's magical. Yes it's fun. And I can't speak for California but it's so, so, so HOT and the lines are so very long and I just went and I have heat rash all over my legs and feet and they still ache from all the walking. And it's expensive and stressful. I broke up with DD's dad once in the parking lot of the Caribbean Beach resort here at Disney. We had a terrible fight on our vacation. So if you can at all avoid having BM come, I would. It can make a stressful vacation even worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't be nuckin futz. Yes,
Don't be nuckin futz. Yes, you are off of your rocker on this. If BM had a proven history of working reasonbly with you and your DH then I would advise differently but ... nope. Not worth the drama to even think about. Start working the passport thing now, if necessary drag her ass to court.
Good luck.
When you can make it happen... enjoy the happiest place on earth and the memories you will make with and for your family.