new to this world, what am i not thinking about that i should be.
hello everyone. i am new to the possibilities of being a stepdad down the road. i will give a brief overview then i was hoping for thoughts about what my gf and i are not thinking of that we should discuss if anything.
i am a male, 35yrs old. divorced. no children. i am in a serious relationship with a woman who has a 8yr old d. she has full custody. bio dad lives out of country and is basically not involved.
we have been dating for about 8 months now. i met her daughter at about the 6 month mark, after we mutually decided that our relationship had serious legs. i was nervous of course but has all been going well.
we are now in the routine of them spending most of the weekend with me. the 3 of us. including sleeping over at my house. the gf does not sleep with me at this point, easing into that scenario with regards to daughter. gf and i usually have a date night in the middle of the week just the two of us.
we communicate about things very well, we have almost daily discussions about rules, boundries, etc. its a big learning curve to me. gf is very good about discipline and boundries with her d. she is not spoiled and well behaved. i do not directly disipline. except for personel space.
we have talked about moving in together next spring provided everything is still going well. we have talked about items such as balance between the 3 of us. such as group time. her and daughter time and me and gf time. and how there needs to be a balance between all of them.
gf seems very aware of these things and very cognisent of the adjustment it is for me. she never says that her daughter always comes first, or puts her on a pedestial. personally i think she does a amazing job.
i guess my question is what are things that we need to think about moving forward that i have not thought about???
You need to think that at any
You need to think that at any time, the entire environment can change. The bio dad can decide to get more involved, which can change things. The girl may decide she doesn't like you at some point, and will test her mother's devotion - and who has it, you or her.
Your GF can also take offense if you begin to criticize any behaviors or try try to do any kind of boundary-setting if you are all living together full time. Right now is a honeymoon period where everyone is on their best behavior. It's another matter entirely when her daughter will be under the same roof as you, day after day. How will she handle it if her daughter gets into your belongings, or comes into your room unannounced? What about chores and responsibilities? What are the expectations?
You've already mentioned you have had a slight issue with "personal space." Not sure what that refers to, but if you live together you need to understand you will relinquish any "personal space" you currently have.
thanks for the comments. by
thanks for the comments. by personal space daughter was putting her hand/finger up in my face while goofing around. it was not a big deal. just letting her know that she should not do that. her mom got on her as well a bit. then all was well. it was just a example of my interaction.
as far as my stuff. daughter got into my workout equipment and gf sent her to bedroom to think about how she needs to respect other peoples property. like i said she is firm witb boundries with her daughter and how she wants to raise her. the daughter seems like a good kid. but she is a 8yr old kid. i dont expect her to always be perfect obviously.
The other point I wanted to
The other point I wanted to make about the bio-dad is that eventually the girl is going to come to full realization that her father wants nothing to do with her. You can either become the "dad figure" scape-goat that she lashes out against, or you could become the "dad she never had." That's a 50-50 crap shoot.
we could maintain seperate
we could maintain seperate households. but neither of us want to long term. we are at least 6 months away from that happening so alot could happen between now and then of course.
it was a mutual decision to not have children in my past marriage. i do not have a desire to have one of my own. my gf is not interested in having another as well. so we are on the same page there.
thank you for the reply
Oh boy, so your girlfriend
Oh boy, so your girlfriend told you bio dad is not involved. Ok so he lives in a different country.
But why is he not involved? Distance is just a flight away.
First it is important to say none of this dynamic is the child's fault. Poor thing and I mean that sincerely.
Back to bio dad, Does he pay child support? Where they married or is dad married to someone else and had a fling with your girlfriend. YOU must question this very deeply. So many times you will hear 'oh he is a deadbeat, he left me, he does not want to be in the childs life" often times NOT TRUE.
Since bio dad is 'not around', it is safe to say she is looking for someone to take over dads role in every way shape and form. Please be very careful I have heard of women, unmarried women filing child support orders on guys just like you because "HE IS the only dadddie she has ever really known and heeeee supported her, and HEEEEEEE blah blah blah" OR she may try to suggest that you adopt her child.
Dont shack up, and keep dating her until the child is out of the house at 18. Something must feel a little off or your wound not have come to Step talk.
FOLLOW YOUR GUT and listen to the voice that tells you,,,,,uhhhh maybe this relationship is not for me IF you heard it.
thank you again for all the
thank you again for all the comments. to reply to a couple of things. or clarifications.
we are in usa. the bio dad is remarried. he is a pilot. currently lives in middle east. they divorced 5yrs ago i believe. i dont know the man, i wont say that he is a dead beat dad or anything but he is fairly uninvolved. it has been over a yr since last time daughter has seen him. they talk on phone on occasion. he does pay child support. never late, never any issues of that sort. if something major comes up he kicks in money if needed. gf is very self reliant in that sense. gf obviously has her opinions of him, but never says anything bad about him to daughter. daughter knows tbat she has a dad that she rarely sees. she knows that he is remarried. she likes his new wife. she was at the wedding. she knows that i am not her dad. she has no thoughts of mom and dad being together and no real memories of that as she was too young to remember.
gf does not deny bio dad visitation. he chooses not to. in the past when he has decided to come she has always made daughter available, helped organize etc. i think gf feels bad that he does not choose to be more involved for her daughter. i know that bio dad is moving back to states at end of year. so maybe he will become more involved then.
frankly she is amazingly astute young girl. scary smart. she is excited about her mom dating me. at least at this time lol.
gf has not ever pushed "family" time on me. its has always. been my decision. she constantly tells me that all i need to do is say so if its too much or i need more me time or whatever.
luckily fod me i have been blessed with plenty of patience and a even temper.
the thoughts about the daughter not liking me or trying to force her mom to make a decisjon between is a interesting question. i dont know how to answer that one. not sure how you know what would happen until your in the position i guess. probably one of those roll the dice and see moments i guess.
at this point i really dont have any real red flags jumping out at me. gf is very firm on the thought that life does not revolve around her daughter. she does not let her daughter be out of control. does not oveely dote on her or things like that. she is loving to her but not over the top.
she wants her to become a strong independent woman.
i understand also though that as the relationship moves forward that i would become a father like figure to daughter. and i am ok with that so far. i accept that with no qualms knowing that it wont always be easy.
we have definitely talked about that.
Gosh, there are so many
Gosh, there are so many things to look out for. Things change when you become serious and move in together, and moreso when there are kids involved. The kids usually realize they are not the center of the universe anymore, the new parent is not what they wanted after all, how dare he/she tell me what to do, and your spouse will resent you for anything you say or do that they do not approve of in regards to their kid. The wrong tone, the wrong look, whatever, it all becomes huge.
You need to read through the boards and posts here, see what people are complaining about and why, how things just change in time and the step-parents are put in really shitty positions where they just can't win.
i have been reading here
i have been reading here alot. sad and scary both.
on the discipline type stuff and things of that nature. gf is handling it. and does it well. we talk about it alot in the evenings. what the rules are, how we are going to handle this, or that. this is one of the things i love about gf and i. we really communicate well together. she explains to me how she disciplines, why she does. what her goals are and what she is trying to accomplish.
rules are well set. if broken there are consequences, daughter does not get out of them. its a pretty tight ship in those regards. very tight compared to alot of stories i read here.
Run. Do not walk. As a man
Run. Do not walk.
As a man and "stepdad," you would have it less bad than a woman or "stepmom" would. Just the way women are built/socialized/whatever. But this is not your bio child. Humans are not a polyandrous species and consequently you WILL eventually come to resent being expected to pick up some other man's leavings.
Have fun with this woman while you can--I mean this sincerely, and would advise her to do the same--but do NOT get involved beyond fun and games. Get out while you can.
SD is 8.... oh boy... I get
SD is 8.... oh boy... I get that you do not want to live alone for another 10 years.
Thus far your GF sounds like a good mother, but man... it's been only 8 months, it's way to soon to move in together,
I will suggest... give it another year or so, reason being.... when GF and DD visits you do not even share a room with GF? Stop this before you move in together, now things are fine, you move in together and DD has a tantrum cause suddenly mum sleeps with you in the same room, DD will demand sleeping there as well, it's normal ...
Change this first, as from this week-end if GF and DD comes over, DD sleeps in her room and mum sleeps in your room, teach DD to knock before entering your room and she has to wait for confirmation, also DD is never allowed into the adult bed room, no cuddling, no sitting on the bed with mum nothing. She can only stand in the door.
Then if this stage goes well for a year, you can move in together with less problems.
Never try and be the father, cause you are not... just be the uncle and as long as DD respects you and listens to you there will be no problem,s. Also never pick up any financial slack... DD is not your child, it's not your responsibility but saying that... if DD treats you well and GF remains this wonderful mother who actually parents her daughter, then you can spend money on them,
Not all blended families are messed up, there's actually blended families that works.
It sounds to me that you and
It sounds to me that you and GF are in at least the same book and have a chance at a succesful equity life partnership in a blended family environment.
You communicate, discuss boundaries, etc.... that is all well and good. However, I suggest that the two of you simplify things significantly.
1. You are equity life partners and that makes each other and the relationship/marriage the sole top priority for both of you.
2. Kids are the top marital priority but never trump the relationship and each other as a priority.
3. As an equity live partner to your SO that also makes you both equity parents to any kids in your marital home regardless of kid biology.
KISS works far better than complexity in a relationship. So keep it simple.
This is the philosophy that my bride and I landed on as we launched our marital journey. In 22+ years of marriage we have raised a young man of character to viable self sufficient adulthood (our son recently turned 24. He asked me to adopt him last summer and we made that happen), completed 3 degrees between us, built two successful professional careers, have made a great life together, and are seeing the world.
I see no reason to indicate that you and this lady can't do the same while raising your SD-8 to be a viable young adult of character.
Good luck, stick to your principals, and communicate, communicate, communicate.
By the way... Welcome. I hope that you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful advice from others who are living the adventure of the blended family dream.
thanks for the comments
thanks for the comments everyone. i will try to address a few things mentioned.
maybe better way to put it is bio dad is not involved in day to day life. however, yes, that could change at any time. i suppose issues could come from that. but i cant see the future to know. but something to think about.
i will never claim to be her father. she has one. but if we are together long term i will be a large figure in her life.
i learned a few things from my previous marriage. one being i wont share finances. or co own property. so thats a non issue
yes, i understand that her childs needs have to come first. i would expect nothing else. its a balancing act obviously. gf thoughts go along the lines of us being the primary relationship while providing for her daughter.
the whole others persons spawn thing is not a issue for me. i dont think like that one way or the other. it just doesnt register in my mind.
and rags, yeah. we arent quite all the way to that point yet. but thata the general direction and basically the way we think also.
Accepting what I consider to
Accepting what I consider to be the erroneous position that "the partners kids always come first" is the first nail in the coffin of the relationship. Do not stick with that severely mistaken idea or you will be shortchanging your partner and yourself.
Kids (hers, yours, or joint), extended family, work, etc.... never come before the marriage, the partner, or the relationship. The marriage is the only top priority .. ever. Everything else is of lower priority.
However, the kids are the top marital responsibility and should be for both you and your partner regardless of kid biology.
If you have no children, I
If you have no children, I would advise you keep looking for a lady in similar position. You have no idea what is to come that you could have avoided; even in the best of situations there are many problems with skids and bio dads, finances, etc., involved. There are specific conflicts what you would not have to deal with, otherwise. And, yes, even in the best blended families, you can bet there are/were problems.
I believe you will eventually regret this move; I wish I had more positive advise for you.
Do not move in and start thinking about moving on to somebody you deserve who will concentrate energy and resources, just on YOU. You deserve that!
i figured that i would post a
i figured that i would post a little update. havent been on here much, been too busy with life.
gf and her daughter still spend the weekends at my house with me. her daughter now sleeps in the spare bedroom on her own with no issues. i allowed her to do a bit of decorating in there. gf and i in my room.
gf and i also still go out at least once a week on our own for a adult evening out.
really, things seem to be going well. we all enjoy our time the 3 of us. kiddo and her mom get plenty of the two of them time and gf and i get some alone time also.
gf handles all discipline, i back her up/support only. her daughter is well behaved so its not much of a issue.
we planning on moving in together this next year. i am getting ready to sign a lease on a new home shortly that wull be much closer. our plan is to kinda continue to slowly intregrate our lives that way.
we will be keeping our finances seperate. and have discussed how we are going to handle bills etc.
hopefully things will continue to progress in a positive direction for all of us.