HELP- dating with kids and bioparents
I have been dating my boyfriend for about 8 months. He has three kids and I have two. Both of us have been divorced for 2 years and have our kids 50% of the time.
We introduced our kids to each other about three months ago and so far we all get along great. Luckily the ages and genders work out so that there is not much competition between my kids and his. My kids like him and his kids like me.
Everything was going well until my boyfriends exwife found out about me. Their kids told her how much they liked me and how much fun they have had around me and my kids. She (boyfriends exwife) told her kids how bad that made her feel that they would like and have fun with someone else and asked them why they didn't have that much fun with her. Of course the kids felt bad, but didn't say anything about it to their dad. A couple weeks later it was one of my boyfirends kids' bithday and we (boyfriend and me) made a video of the two of us signing a silly happy birthday song and sent it to the kids' phone while they were with her. She blew up on my boyfriend and said that I wasn't allowed in her house and him sending a video with me in it was forcing me into her house aganist her will and that I was causing a "dissconnection" between her and her kids.
My boyfirend then had a long talk with the kids about what had been happening over at their moms, and they said they have gotten in trouble multiple time for mentioning my name or my kids' name and that their mom told them that their dad was just using me to make her mad.
Their dad told them that they should feel free to feel however they would like to feel about me, and that he has real feelings about me and our relationship has nothing to do with their monther (who has a boyfriend of her own). Since then, the kids have been texting me even when they are at their mothers house. I do not initiate the texts, but i do not ignore them either. Am I wrong for doing this? I asked my boyfriend to set up a meeting so that she could meet me (my hope was that she would understand that I am a single mother too and and not trying to take over her role as her childrens mom). She refused to meet me.
My boyfriend did put the kids in counseling because of all of this.
What should I do? I do really feel like I am not doing anything wrong in connecting with the kids, so I would like an outside opinion. Am I overstepping by texting them back or should I ignore them? My boyrfriend says that he just wants me to be me, and ignore that their mother is having an issue with me.
Thanks in advance.
Thank you. This has been
Thank you. This has been eatting me up. I don't want to disrespect their mom and I don't want the kids to get into trouble, but I also see this as her issue and not something I have control over. Since this is the first time I have dated in 15 years, I find this all new and very upsetting.
I can see this point of view.
I can see this point of view. What is the situation where they text me...? I have tried asking them,"is this ok with your mom that you are texting me, I don't want anyone getting in trouble". They said it was fine... which I know it is not... should i just ignore them?
If she would meet with me, i feel like a lot of this would be cleared up.
The orginal singing of happy
The orginal singing of happy birthday video with me in it was from us. After that and since I knew that she was not ok with it, I have not orginated any contact on her time, but the children still do.
Although we have a very different way over at my house with my childrens father(very open communication and don't want the kids to feel as if they have to lead two different lives based on whos house they are at that week) I get that not everyone feels this way. I am considering just ignoring their texts on weeks they are not at my BFs house and just telling them that it has nothing to do with them, but that it just has to do with me trying to respect their mothers wishes. Thanks.
You know OP when your looking
You know OP when your looking for a person in your life, 'we' take the time to ask questions about their family, watch them in public, even see how they treat people in general.
Now that you are aware of the drama his ex is causing at this early stage of your relationship, imagine what life will look like in a year, two or three.
TAKE a big emotional step back. Do not day dream about the Brady Bunch and remember the children ARE boyfriends and his ex's children. FOCUS on raising your bio's and let boyfriend and his ex do everything that is required for their own children.
Again I say DO NOT put your own children's needs before boyfriends. Your kids need YOU and they need you to be there always, not hung up or hurt about his ex.
Good Luck to you and welcome to Step Talk.
Thank you for the response
Thank you for the response and reality check. That emotional step back is hard. I do not want this drama in my life, I have worked very hard in patching up the relationship with my ex and we co-parent very well. However, I do love this guy.
I am focused on my children and put them before everything. You have great advice, and it is hard to hear that I am hung up about his ex having an issue with me, but you are right. Not sure why I am giving her that much power.
Thanks
Sorry you went thought the
Sorry you went thought the same. Good to hear that it got better, but not sure I am willing to wait years and years before the kids grow up.
You have a keeper in the BF,
You have a keeper in the BF, but one little piece of advice....
do not meet BM, she's nothing to you, you will never be friends, ignore the woman do not even text or talk to her.
And yes this is life... BM's can go on with new men etc, but the divorced Dad may not, he should sit around waiting for the Ex wife to snap fingers and then jump.
Remember this woman is nothing to you, remain friends with the children, like a very cool Aunt and ignore the BM. Never say anything bad of her in front of the children, think it do not say it
Don't cater to this toxic
Don't cater to this toxic golden uterus BM.. Smack her liberally about the head and shoulders with a rolled up copy of the CO and partner with your SO to make sure that together that you are a unified front against BM's crap. Don't give her any status by meeting with her.... until you are 100% convinced that she will interface and work with you reasonably. Since she has proven herself a GUBM that won't happen so .... she can FO.
That DH is clear and open with his kids is a good start. They need to understand that BM is toxic and that her crap will not be tolerated. As for DH telling them they feel what they choose about you..... that is iffy and gives kids far too much consideration in your adult relationship IMHO. Kids need to understand that they get no choice in dad's life, and like you or not... they have no choice but to treat you with respect.
That they seek your presence and to communicate with you as positively as they do speaks very highly of you and how you are engaging with them. It also speaks highly of them that they are not capitulating to BM's manipulations. Just don't make the mistake if tolerting BM's crap or giving kids any more influence than they should have. They are kids, they are not part of the relationship between you and your SO. Kids are the top relationship responsibility in any life partnership but ... never, ever, ever should they take priority over the relationship or each partner.
All IMHO... Good luck.