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Dh ended us?

Ram's picture

I will admit I am not seeing things clearly. It's like I am in a fog right now. I need some help understanding what happened at switch off last night. SS had tutoring so dh came and got him afterwards. I told him I was sorry and I wanted us to be a family again. I didn't want a divorce and that we can work this through i just need some time to figure out my depression issues. He responded by saying take all the time you need, I will always be here if you need me as a friend. I was surprised and said just as a friend huh? He said that is what we are now, friends. Is that his way of letting me know it is over? Did he break up with me?

Comments

a better life's picture

Yes, he doesn't sound like he has the guts to come out and say it but I would view "be there as a friend" and "we are now friends" very much as the marriage is over. Sorry. You'll be okay.

uofarkchick's picture

Basically he was saying, "I don't love you anymore but I also don't want to hurt you." Honey, you are going to make it through this. Stay in therapy and keep your friends close. I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Ram's picture

I am mad now. He should be standing by me and helping me through my depression not moving out and dumping me! SO what if his kids feel hurt and dislike me? Dh and I made vows and he turned his back on me. He was supposed to be my ride or die, my best friend, my only. I just feel so lost and sad and angry. He couldn't even wait for my ppd to pass. I told him how awful it was with my son and we took steps to make try and help/be aware if it occurred again. Why did he just cut and run? Why doesn't he love me as much as I loved him?

twoviewpoints's picture

Call your therapist and see if she/he can fit you in this afternoon. Perhaps only as phone session in between other clients if necessary.

redneck69's picture

each woman may go through depression differently and say things that they don't mean. the spouse should help her along to bring her out of ppd, not make her feel worse. Some women go through depression when they are menopausal also, does that mean that the men get to leave then also? what happened to taking care of each other? Are people only in marriages when it good or when couple agree on everything?

redneck69's picture

most of us are married to men that were married before and no one should stay in a relationship where there was abuse whether it be physical or emotional or cheating. All I am gathering though is that she is going through ppd. yes the ss fed the kittens to the snakes, but at the same time you have look to when the ss is out of the house.

twoviewpoints's picture

None of that matters right now today. I suggested she call/see her therapist this afternoon because she is struggling and upset. She has a classroom to teach and a baby to hold it together for.

She doesn't need any of us bickering and debating over advice and opinions.

I don't think is the appropriate place for her to be right now. She's confused and not thinking clear. Today is not the day to point fingers or race to a lawyer. Priority must be to assure is ok, will be ok. Tomorrow is another day. There's plenty of time for the rest that needs handling soon enough.

DaizyDuke's picture

Disagree. DH split up with BM2 (they were not married) when SS was 5 or 6 months old. All they did was fight, he couldn't take it anymore. Isn't it better for a child to come FROM a broken home than to live IN a broken home??

Snowflake's picture

Statistics show that most marriages and relationships end during a woman's pregnancy or within the first three years following the birth. No matter how long or short the relationship. The only constant is that it is within the first three years.

Which is why it blows my mind why some women think that it is a good ideas to have a baby they don't have a solid relationship with.

DaizyDuke's picture

I went back and read her blogs and it sounded like she broke up with him in the last one, so I'm a bit confused too.

redneck69's picture

Ram, you need to sit down and ask him those questions, if you had ppd with your bs, and he was prepared for it again then he has no excuses. when you got married and said those vows did he not mean what he said, is he only going to be with you when your healthy? maybe he isn't strong enough to help someone through sickness. don't jump to conclusions, but sit down and make him spell it out. it will hurt but then you aren't jumping through hoops, make plans to take care of you and learn a lesson from who you can count on when times are tough. ppd is difficult, but it isn't like you are trying to hurt them on purpose.

Elizamen's picture

I'm sorry but please do not do what this poster is suggesting. Perhaps in time after you have had a chance to heal but not now. I am heading into court tomorrow to finalize my divorce (hopefully). I spent the past weekend going 10 rounds with my STBexH trying to understand what happened. At the end of it, my marriage is ending and I have to move on - just like you do. Pick yourself up and look to the future, not the past. Find ways to build yourself up and strengthen your life. Please don't look to him for answers. Look to yourself surrounded by friends and family for strength.

redneck69's picture

she's asking us if we think her marriage is over, we aren't in the marriage and all we know is what she has posted. Why shouldn't she go the guy and talk and get the answers from him? yes it's difficult, but so is life, why assume that he is saying that he wants out, maybe he needs time just like she needs it too. no, they wont get anywhere except divorced living in separate places.

Snowflake's picture

I am so sorry, but it sounds like it is over.

You really need to go no contact. You drop off and pick up baby in a neutral place. You know you are not going to move on this way. He has given no indication that he wants to be with you as a family or as a couple.

It is not the tutor or any other woman. He is probably having an intimate relationship with someone. It doesnt matter who, because who knows what he is telling them. That you are depressed, you hate his kids, etc etc.

I am not trying to be harsh, but you need to pick yourself back up. Not for him, but for you and the baby. Accept that it is over. He may be a coward for not coming out and just ending it. But you need to finish it by getting a divorce, custody arrangement, and child support order. You need to finish it by moving on with your life.

Totalybogus's picture

I see this a bit differently. I think you are in the moment right now and cannot see the forest from the trees. You banned his son from your home. You made him choose and he chose to have two happy homes instead of one miserable one. He was willing to work on it through counseling and because you didn't get what you wanted when you wanted it, you told him YOU thought the marriage was over. You have him and everyone else around you on a merry-go-round.

He just told you he loved you. He loves you. He told you he would meet with ss and the tutor in a public place and apologized to you for making you feel the way you feel. It sounds to me like he is honestly trying. It is not going to happen overnight.

You have made it very difficult for him to live with you and keep his children in his life. I have to respect a man that doesn't give up on his kids because his new wife says so.

Right now you are going through ppd. You need to take care of yourself before you can even think of trying to get him back into the house. Give it a little bit of time and then, if you still feel the way you do about wanting to try to make it work, ask him to continue to go to counseling. You need to work towards reunification. Things are still raw right now for both of you.

SugarSpice's picture

i respect a man who takes care of his children.

i do not, however, respect a man to make his second wife take a back seat to them.

hereiam's picture

How is he a bottom feeder?

OP told him at the last counseling session that the marriage was over. Then she got up and left and would not answer his calls.

He's giving her what she wanted.

MollyBrown's picture

You are the one complaining about bullies in your signature, yet posting the crap above. You seem to love being the board political ce. You need to take a good look in the mirror.

So_Annoyed's picture

If you want straight answers, you will have to ask him bluntly what he wants and what he means.

I really dislike vague answers, so I'd be very exact in asking him wtf he is talking about.

Sorry to be so blunt with you, just aggravated by such spineless men right now.

Willow2010's picture

Any “man” that would leave a woman in the throes of PPD is a piece of shit in my book. Skid was a little rough with her weeks old baby…and damn…the skid fed KITTENS to a snake. I don’t care what anyone says…that was creepy ass wrong and illegal. You can’t feed kittens to pitbulls so I am sure it is also illegal for them to be fed to snakes. GAG.

Anywho…the man is a shit. His kid is a creep and she has PPD. He is a worm for doing this to her. She is not blameless but he is a loser that runs as soon as it gets hard.

Totalybogus's picture

Being a spouse is not synonymous with being a parent. He's taking the kid 50% of the time. He is honoring his responsibilities.

Willow2010's picture

It IS ILLEGAL. I don’t care who you think you talked to but you cannot just feed kittens to other animals. It is totally against the law. Can’t believe you are still trying to push the idea it is legal.

She is struggling with PPD so yes…she is irrational and doing stupid things at the moment. So glad your PPD was soooooo easy on you. It is not that way for everyone. Which leads me to believe you did not really have PPD. If you did you would not make such an asinine statement about how you did not do the things OP did while you had PPD, so SHE must be wrong. SMH.

twoviewpoints's picture

Agree.

a better life's picture

and how about she give some focus to her 14 year old child! I'm sure it is not easy for him to see his Mom going through all of that. It is odd how that child is hardly ever even mentioned.

Icansorelate's picture

Ram, please, please, please make an appointment with your OB/Gyn and a psychiatrist. PPD is serious and you are very ill.

The folks on this site are not able to help you. I am appalled at how mean some have been to you.

Your SS is a horror- there is no way to justify what he did to those poor kittens. Do NOT go to the therapist who thought that was OK.

Get yourself well. Then go see an attorney. You should be getting way more than 100 a week in CS. You probably should be getting alimony once divorced and at this time, temporary alimony (meaning he pays all of the household bills for you).

Good luck to you- you have been dealt a raw hand right now. It will get better and someday you will be glad to be rid of both DH and especially SS. For now, focus on you and your baby and get an awesome attorney and get what you deserve financially.

ESMOD's picture

Best advice I ever heard was given to a girl I worked with. She was having trouble in her marriage and was complaining to a friend. They told her that the biggest mistake a lot of women make is not getting what they deserve in a divorce. That women so often don't want the conflict and just want the relationship and the mess behind them. As a result, they will give away most anything. (yeah, I know a lot of people will disagree.. but I know I did haha).

She said "go find a lawyer and get everything you are entitled to. If you feel like you got "too much" you can always give some back".

ESMOD's picture

Or agree quickly to a "first offer" to avoid all the unpleasantness. That's what I did. My EX got probably 100K more in assets than he should have since I was the better earner and my parents had given us nice wedding gifts (that he then wanted to keep). He even got my mom's china..lol. I just wanted out.

a better life's picture

Was there financial info posted on one of OP's posts that I missed? On what basis have you decided he is shirking his financial responsibilities and needs to pay her more child support and alimony?? Maybe she will owe him palimony and child support. It seems they have 50/50.

a better life's picture

and he has the kid 50% of the time and 2 other kids to claim while she just has 1, it is just odd that the minute a marriage goes sour it is ASSUMED that the woman needs to soak the man because he is underpaying when NOTHING is known about either of their financial stats

notasm3's picture

Some men are just aholes. My BFF married a divorced man who slept with all of his friends' wives. Such integrity. :sick: She was young and had never had a real boyfriend before.

They had a 5 year old and a 6 month old when she came home one day and discovered that he had moved out - no warning whatsoever. It turns out he'd had a girlfriend before, during and after his marriage (of course the wife of one of his "friends")