Apparently we screwed up...
If I step in...or over step..and get involved in a situation between DH and BM and the Skids then it's wrong. I have no rights to interfere, say, or other wise get involved with how DH deals or doesn't deal with problems or issues that arise. AND DH has no balls if I DO speak instead of him.
Even posting here were we should be getting support people get into a mad feeding frenzy trying to tear strips off of the poster because they don't agree with what was posted. I'm not saying that everyone should agree...but at least if a comment is made it should be positive..even if it is positive criticism.
I find it very hard to understand how many people can be married to a man..who has an ex wife and kids..and have them live two separate lives...one with the new wife..me..and one with the old, BM, and the kids...and heaven forbid if the two shall cross.
As in my last blog...we had a situation where WE, as a married couple, discussed a text from BM and decided to ignore it. BM involved SD and it went on from there. Yes I offered my opinion..and yes I did the speaking. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do.
But you know what? The skids and BM are a part of my life..even if I don't want BM to be. I'm not a person to sit idly by and say nothing when I see something wrong.
DH and I are doing our best for the skids...but no matter what we do BM will never be satisfied because she is not in control anymore.
The end.
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Comments
I don't think there's such a
I don't think there's such a thing as a positive criticism. A criticism is an expression of disapproval. That's what you got. I didn't really see where anyone was overly harsh. You made a judgement call, not everyone agreed with it, and some voiced their disapproval. Personally, I don't think you did anything horrible. I would have been tempted to do the same thing. The way I saw it, you were letting those women know that your husband keeps everything out in the open with you and there is no point in trying to get away with weaseling money out of him behind your back.
Do you really believe that
Do you really believe that the court will "have our asses" over one conversation I had with SD on her phone?
And I'm asking for real..not to be snotty.
What repercussions are we talking about?
Yeah I got that...thought
Yeah I got that...thought there may have been more to it. If it does go to court and that's what becomes of one text conversation from DH's phone..where I identified myself...ok. We can deal with that.
I'm assuming there would have to be measures in place to document the calls?
If DH is requesting
If DH is requesting text/email only (some parents use program Our Family Wizard), the example BM can counter with is that now she has no way of knowing if it is indeed Dad.
Dad might be better requesting all communication between BM and Dad are OFW. It leaves document records of ANY and All communication. Yes, it might really still be you behind the keyboard being sneaky (something I don't advise), but it shows any ridiculous, harassing and/or unnecessary communication.
That's a good idea. I'm not
That's a good idea. I'm not sure how the issue became I was trying to pretend to be DH. My very first text from the phone to SD was that it was me..NOT DH.
I'm not sure if DH will actually make it a formal request in the new agreement..or if BM will bring it up. Here in Canada it goes to Family Justice for mediation before it...if ever... sees a court room. Mediation is supposed to be in good faith..so if DH says that email will be his communication and he alone will use it she should for all intents and purposes have to take that as face value until proven otherwise.
However, if she pushes for verbal communications and wants to go to court for it, then that's fine too, as long as the conversations can be documented. But we want something that does eliminate any ridiculous, harassing and/or unnecessary communications.
Everybody has to do what
Everybody has to do what works in their situation, whether others agree or not.
What usually DOESN'T work, with high conflict BMs, is the current wife trying to communicate with said BM. If BM directly addresses you, fine, otherwise let DH handle his own communication.
Give all the input and support to your DH that you want, discuss it with him all you want, make decisions together, but let him deal with her. Otherwise, it usually just makes things worse. And like some pointed out, you have court coming up and BM may very well try to use that situation against your DH.
I don't believe in sitting on the sidelines. I got my points across to my husband but it was up to him to deal with his ex (unless she directly involved me).
If you feel that the communication went well and that it worked to your advantage, carry on.
I see nothing wrong with it
I see nothing wrong with it just be sure to identify who you are.
Here's the thing... You are a
Here's the thing... You are a non-entity to her. The more you try to inject yourself into their issues, the worse the issues are going to get. That's not to say that she has a right to inject herself into your household. You and your DH ARE a team. BUT.. the person you should be talking to is your DH. You really have no say in how the kids are raised. Sure, you can have house rules, at your house, but that is not transferable.
When I originally read your thread, all I could see is a woman who was trying to control a preconceived outcome. Telling the 20 year old that you were sorry she was in the middle was pretty passive aggressive. You were trying to do the very same thing you were accusing the BM of doing.
I know originally, you let SD know it was you, but when you started texting to her mother's phone, you were being deceptive.
Then I read on, and I was actually starting to like you. I was starting to give you the benefit of the doubt. You seemed open for suggestions on how to handle these types of situations.
Now, upon seeing this new thread, I believe my very first impression.
a good rule of thumb to follow is that unless it directly affects you, it is none of your business.
You're Totalybogus. I was
You're Totalybogus. I was trying to control an outcome and that was in my mind SD was aware she still had access to her father...BM should not have put her in the middle...and BM might just realize that the world, especially DH's, doesn't revolve around her.
My biggest mistake was assuming that BM would put two and two together and know it was me texting her from DH's phone. I didn't deliberately be deceptive..but I can see how it came across that way.
I should not have interfered..just offered my opinion when asked..but I did... and it can't be undone. Lesson learned I guess.
I read your first thread and
I read your first thread and thought the whole text conversation was a train wreck. If you were going to concoct a story about switching phones and act like you didn't know why SD was looking for her dad then why turn right around and make a comment about her being put in the middle of stuff? You completely gave yourself away.
Yes. If she had said DH
Yes. If she had said DH accidently forgot his phone and OP kept hearing it buzz and investigated in case it was an emergency...I could buy that. But who switches cell phones out of the blue. I'm sure BM thought you were trying to make a fool out of her by lying and No, she isn't going to trust that her EX doesn't just switch phones, then get a headache and go to bed anytime she is trying to reach him...whether BM is in the right or wrong.
In fact, you made a better case for BM.
Believe me, I tried the answering for DSO, tried to insert myself bc I know more than DSO and BM, seriously I do, but it just made things more of a mess.
There is absolutely no need
There is absolutely no need to communicate with her at all. Verbal or otherwise.
She can use my family wizard to scan a receipt, and then he pays 50 percent. It is complete bullshit to communicate anything about a shopping trip or about mediation. The date should just go on the shared calendar.
BM is high conflict. Unlike all the other women on this site, I personally do not deal with high conflict women. If it gets to the point where a high conflict bit** is interfering with your marriage and family, then you end that toxic contact. Period.
IMHO It was not a good idea for you too contact her, you should have done like the rest of us and told your husband to tell the bit** to stop. Trust me, he will realize it is easier to tell her off then to deal with his wife's wrath.