My unfriendly and undermedicated parents
I read a lot on here about "step grandparents" ... some of them being wonderful and essentially the same as "real" grandparents in the eyes of their skids. My parents... not so much
Last night I brought SD with me to do a load of laundry at my parents because our dryer was acting up. My parents barely look at her. She was well behaved... a little hyperactive but nothing out of the ordinary. My father side eyed her every time she got up off the chair. He is one of those people who cannot have anything out of place or he has a nervous breakdown. He truly needs medication, it makes me sad to see how obsessive and uptight he has gotten with age.
My mother gives her a painfully fake smile once in awhile but otherwise makes comments about how "she's cute but it's different when it is your own real grandchild." Not in front of her, but still. Or she will make a comment every time she sees SD like "you must really love DH to take this on."
It just pisses me off after awhile. I know I made an "unconventional" choice but I wish they would get the f*ck over it and stop treating me/us as if we are "less than." I am at the point where I feel like I need to seriously limit my time and conversation with them and that makes me sad. They are screwed up people but they are family.
Anyone else have this issue or any advice?
- AJanie's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
My parents are the same way,
My parents are the same way, and it hurts. I love my skids and view them as part of my family. My mom refuses to allow any of the kids to call her grandmom or any variation. My dad referred to himself once as "Grandpa Jerry" and my mom looked like she was going to throw up. They don't know skids very well since they live far away, which I can understand, but it makes me feel awkward when we visit. I just try to respect their feelings and put myself in their shoes.
My mom has made similar comments about the burden/baggage of skids. I get where she is coming from - she's been married to my dad 30+ years and has never had half of the craziness and drama that comes with step-life. If you're happy, that's all that matters.
My dad and his wife treated
My dad and his wife treated my SD okay but they did not see her much so really didn't treat her like a "grandchild". They were nice to her, interacted with her, bought her Christmas and birthday gifts if they knew they would be seeing her but to be honest, they really didn't know her that well. She's 25 now and they haven't seen her in many years.
Maybe your parents are just uncomfortable around her, for whatever reason.
My parents actually really
My parents actually really liked my skids, and really tried to get me to love them more. But their experiences were completely different then mine at the time. My mom has skids she raised and my dad has had to deal with wives as stepmothers.
If your family was intact, then I could see how this could be really hard for them. They don't have experience with this, and may not even like your step kid. They don't have a vested interest and didn't choose your husband or his baggage. So you really can't blame them.
My Dad has always treated
My Dad has always treated bio, step, and adopted grandkids exactly the same. How they came into the family does not matter to him. They are now family. Each gets the same amount of money at Christmas, for HS graduation, for a wedding.
Unfortunately, my one brother's FIL does not share this view. Brother and his wife have 1 bio and 2 adopted children. The FIL gushes over the bio, gives him money, talks about "MY grandson". But the 2 adopted? "They are not MY grandkids." All 3 of the kids are well-mannered, intelligent, well-behaved, fun, and interesting. I love them all. His FIL can go suck an egg. A rotten, fly-infested, shat upon egg.
I will look into the book.
I will look into the book. If I try to talk to them they will tell me to stop with the self pity, or I am crazy, or stop trying to cause problems. They are never to blame...
My dad also doesn't really
My dad also doesn't really accept my stepdaughters as "grandchildren. His first and only grandchild is my brother's 4 yo son.
I came into my stepkids' lives when they were 5 and 9. They are now 18 and 22. It's not that my dad doesn't like them or even that he doesn't ask about their well-being etc... But, he doesn't view them as his grand kids. He doesn't buy them christmas or birthday presents etc... He did give both of them nice checks when they graduated HS but that's it.
TBH, it irritates me a little bit that he doesn't consider my family a "real" one or at least that is how he acts. In fact, a worry of mine has been that he would favor my brother in his will since he has a child and I "don't". He actually sent a letter the other day that went over financially where things are standing right now with his estate and he mentioned what the value would be split in two, so hopefully that means that he is planning a 50-50 split for us.
I know he is entitled to do what he wants with his money. But, I would be a bit pissed if my brother got some larger share because he happened to have a bio kid. I mean, I am planning on hopefully staying with my DH for life and it would be nice if we were able to add my dad's estate to the pot of things we could leave the girls.
My dad wants us to be cautious though and protect our assets from our spouses so that if we split that they don't get it...lol.
A lot of step parents don't
A lot of step parents don't view their step kids as their "real" kids, so I don't really see the issue being any different for step grandparents, as long as they are not being rude or mean.
I will admit that I have NO emotional connection to my SD's kids. I rarely see them, because we rarely see her, and they just don't interest me.
Your parents sound like many
Your parents sound like many of the SMs here. They don't like or are no interested the kid. As long as they aren't mean to her, what they are doing is just fine.
If they were to treat your bio kids the way the way they treat your SD, that would be a problem.
Yes. I don't (yet... lol)
Yes. I don't (yet... lol) have reason to dislike my skids. They love me and never miss an opportunity to tell me. SD is bratty and spoiled but she isn't anything extreme or way out of the ordinary. She likes my parents and visiting their dog. It is insulting that the people I spend my life with aren't considered "real" to my parents. They are entitled to their opinion obviously, but it would be nice if they could fake it a little bit for our sake.
And I have to add that I
And I have to add that I never expect them to play a grandparent role. Just be nice. Fake interest for 5 minutes a month.
True, but there are those who
True, but there are those who have admitted that they dislike their SKS, but the kids haven't donew anything wrong. That is fine because the posters aren't doing anything other than keeping the kids at a distance.
Yeah, they are giving the kid the kid the side eye, but as long as the kid doesn't notice, it's no big deal. Don't want theme giving her the side eye, keep her out of their house.
They do not have to like the kid or interact with her.
Same here. I have very little
Same here. I have very little interest in the gskids. I don't like their mothers AT ALL. I don't see them very often. I am only 35- don't consider myself Grandma age. I don't have a connection to them.
There is a certain amount or
There is a certain amount or degree of this with all steps families - I believe anyway. My mom (dad has passed years ago) will at times seem to accept my skids as her own grand-kids - but then at other times she makes it clear that she only has 2 "true" grand-kids. And it places me in a very awkward position. I just try to make sure she treats them as fairly as I can and let the rest go. I would never want to hurt their feelings over such things but at the same token, I can see what my mom is saying too.
As far as my in-laws, they don't say anything to me - but I am sure they say things to my DH. My MIL says she treats all the grands the same - but I do notice that she seems to want to correct my child more than the others. She seems more willing to overlook her bio grands flaws much sooner than she will my daughter. My daughter also senses it and at times it is a struggle to get her to want to go over there for anything outside of family get-together where she knows it is required.
I have no advice other than to try to control the situation as far as what boundaries to set. If they are rude about something then talk to them about trying to raise the skid(s) as your own with DH and ask them to respect that. At their age and mind-set, you may never change their thinking.
Sadly enough my parents
Sadly enough my parents treated my SD (from prior marriage) as their own. They adored her and treated her like gold even after the divorce.
Then she turned on all of us and they felt hurt and betrayed.
That has tarnished their ability to open up to my SS's from my current marriage.
They are very kind to them and try to be open and accommodating but there is a wall.
However, in their defense, the SS's have not tried AT ALL to become a part of my family.
They are distant at best with my parents and the older two SS's barely glance in their direction when they are around.
Hell they barely look at my MIL (DH's Mom) when she is around either.
They are distant, cold and rude.
Despite their behavior, my parents are still kind and caring to them. They just don't consider them on the same level
as their Bio grandchildren.
That is really too bad on
That is really too bad on their part. My mom and dad have 5 bio grand children and 4 step grand kids. They treat all the kids pretty much the same and all the kids love thrm. My sister's teenage step sons invited my parents on what was probably the last family vacation as the oldest is 18 and graduated. My former skids still call my parents grandma and grandpa.
In my new marriage my mil treats my son like all her other grandkids. She Is Not A Warm Fuzzy Kind Woman But She Really Goes Our Of Her way. Her other grandkids live far away and my husband has no bio kids so she is all over this. Luckily my son likes her and refers to her a grandma too...although out of the three grandma''s in his life my mom and he are the closest, she is an amazing grandma.
Yes, get yourself a roll of
Yes, get yourself a roll of quarters and go to the laundrymat! If my parents treated my skids like this they would be seeing precious little of us. They sounds like a couple of real aholes.